Title: Dependant Arising
Author: Ellethom
Written: July 2009
Feedback:too_spooky_4u@yahoo.com
Spoilers: Up through season 6, small Htgsc, Cookies to the catcher
Disclaimer: Not mine
Category:MSR, MS, AU (really am I capable of anything else)
Archiving: Anywhere as long as you ask first, but I seriously doubt anyone will want this thing.

Summary: Losses and Gains, Births and Deaths. Rebirth and Redemption.

Author's Ramblings: Have you ever had a story just crawl into your head and not let you out until you beg for mercy? I swear I was driving to work one morning and this thing just would not let me be. I went to work, I thought about it, I bought groceries, I watched Law and Order. It would not go away. I have no idea where it came from, but I could not get any peace until I wrote it down. More notes at the end.

Warning: Without a whole lot of detail, this story may have a squick level that may or may not lead to increased rage as well as a driving need to flame the author. Please be advised, I am a teacher as well as a student, I feel no fear of internet flames, nothing is scarier to face than thirty five high school students who have absolutely no interest in learning Algebra. The story took over I have had absolutely no control over this thing since I started typing. Flames and Praise will all be answered with the most sincerest of gratitude.

West Lawn Cemetery
December 2000

I stood on the edge of the hole, peering down into the grave of the man I had known for nine years. His coffin seemed cold and empty, devoid of the emotions that made up the complex man inside. Dana stood next to me, so stoic and sullen. It was in these instances that she made me miss Bill. I could see him in her with every frozen mist puffed from her rosy cheeks.

Did I love him? There was no way to quantify the feelings that I had for Fox Mulder. I was never a true part of his life, not in the way that most women could say He was a man that needed so much, and yet asked for so little.

I knew Fox Mulder as much as I could, as much as Fox Mulder would allow himself to be known.

Any good story should start at the beginning, and I guess the begin is where I should go. Perhaps in reading my tale there will be some hope left in the bottom of the box.

We met in a way that people should never meet, under extreme duress. He was standing outside looking at me with such loss and sadness. I'd suffered loss that night, but Fox had lost the other half of himself. Even if he did not know it, the emotions were so strong in his eyes, on his face. He loved my daughter and I respected the hell out of him for that. Yet with his pain and anger, he tried to comfort me. I had just lost my daughter to forces I was unaware of. Sirens and strangers filled the hall of her Georgetown apartment. I remember worrying if she was warm; that night was supposed to dip below freezing, and I shiver ran down my spine imagining how cold she may be.

I remembered how cold it had been that night. November was usually the start of the winter chill for the east I had never met him before, but I knew him the minute he emerged from her apartment; Dana had always said he was dark, morose. There seemed to be a murky tangible cloud surrounding him. Now before you say I am channeling the spirit of Melissa, a dark soul is a dark soul. There is a wayward gene that is carried upon the second x chromosome. It tends to bestow curvy hips, the ability to color coordinate, and is directly responsible for the female need to save those men that seem to dwell in shadows.

He apologized to me, as if the loss of my daughter was his fault. I could tell he was in love with her; it was as obvious as the rather large nose on his confusingly handsome face. We ended up in a hole in the wall diner sobbing over coffee and bad pie. He told me his sob story and I listened. The loss of his sister was still as fresh as my recent loss of my husband. Neither one of us could cope with the amount of loss, but in some odd sort of way, a nexus was formed between the two of us.

"I will find her Mrs. Scully," he vowed for the hundredth time that first night. "I will bring her home to you-"

"-to us, Fox" I corrected grabbing his trembling hand from across the table.

"To us" he nodded. His eyes darted around the diner as if he had already begun his search. I knew from the haunted words like a chant that he was going to torture himself until he made good on his threat. Fox would breathe life into the words he pled to me that night. There was no way he would fail, he would hang himself first.

"Fox" I began trying to get his attention. "I know." It was as if small portion of the weight he carried shifted ever so minutely until it only bore on one side of him. His eyes seemed to need this reassurance of faith/ a man who needed no approval of a God, needed my approval.

Month 1

The first week she was gone had been the hardest week of my life. Looking back as a mother who has actually watched a child die, I can honestly attest to the fact that the knowing truly is better. Not knowing where Dana was, nor what was being done to her, left a hole in my very beliefs that Catholicism failed to fill. I used to wonder at those who managed to lose their faith in the face of adversity, I foolishly thought them weak and easily led astray. Now, well now I know that a woman crying in a wooden cubicle trying to beg advice on the loss of a child from someone that has never had children may carry some flawed logic.

Having sought for solace within the church, and finding the shoulders of my remaining children as empty as the sacramental chalice, I did what I could and sought out the only other person I figured would understand. He had sought for a sister for twenty years, I knew he would not offer platitudes of past tense happinesses. Mulder dealt in the possible, and what I needed was a strong dose of maybe.

"Mrs. Scully" He smiled as I sat across from him in the diner. "Is everything ok?" He was the one doing the bad impression of a skeleton, and he is asking me if I am ok.

"Everyone's so lost Fox, no one seems to want to hold on to hope. Its only been a week, and my son Billy has been referring to her in the past tense already."

I watch as a brief flash crosses his face, if asked he would deny the sudden anger at a man he has never met, but I knew if William Scully III had been in the vicinity of Fox Mulder, there would need to be a dentist and a priest called to the scene. "She is stil alive Mrs. Scully, I know it, as sure as I know my own name," he dramatically clutches his chest, loud enough to make the other diner relics move their shaggy heads to glare at him.

"I am counting on it Fox," I murmur to his drooped head. But I could not help but wonder if he would stay alive long enough to see her again.

He smiled at my confidence in him, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Thank you for your faith in me," he spoke to the plate of food.

It was the third week of Dana's impromptu vacation that I had begun sneaking over to Fox's apartment to do a little midday nurturing. Fox didn't talk about his family much; at first I thought it was because of Dana's disappearance, not wanting to color my sad existence regaling me with tales of a happy well off Martha's Vineyard family. When I realized the truth of his family was much later, after I had become intertwined into the madness. I had a small inkling that he didn't get much nurturing from anyone other than Dana, and with her being gone, I felt it was my duty to fill in. That damn X chromosome malfunction again.

I would clean and dust and feed fish. I doubt if he even realized that the apartment was being cleaned on a fairly regular basis. At least not that first week. He had given me a key the night we spent in the diner, I don't know if he had planned on me using it, or if he just felt better with a Scully having access to his home. Either, way, it granted me access to mother him in the only way I was allowed. I knew he was in bad shape; hollow eye socket, Sagging clothes, I knew he was falling apart before my very eyes. I was afraid of failing Dana, that I could not keep Fox alive for her. In some odd way, I had begun to equate Fox's health and continued well being as a connection to the return of my youngest daughter. Fox was her best chance at being returned, his love for her burned a light bright enough to be a beacon for her.

I even began to fill his fridge, and like some twisted nurse, I would measure how he was eating by what I had to replace. Even his personal items, razors, toothpaste, deodorant and toilet paper, things I knew he would think very little of, but were vital for his continued health, and his continued search. I was on a mission, to keep Fox Mulder alive long enough to find my daughter.

Month 2: 1994

"I don't understand why you feel it necessary to go over there and do these things for the man that got Dana killed." Billy, of course. I love my son dearly as any mother would but I think Bully got the worst of the constant absence of his father over the years. He is a great man, strong, sure of himself, and a Navy officer just like his father. But he has control issues that would make Joan Crawford cringe.

"I do it because I am a grown woman fully capable of making my own decisions in life William Scully. " Funny, I can remember saying those exact words to his father in answer to a surprise pregnancy. I married at fifteen, and with no time to spare. Bill was already a commissioned officer who had shown up on my family's doorstep one day on the auspices of driving the Admiral to a meeting. I fell in love with his dress whites first, then the red hair. By the time I had snuck out to go on my first date with him, it was too late. He could talk me into anything and I would have gone along completely willingly. Billy dips his head as if in shame, and shuffled his toe against the linoleum. "I miss her mom," he whispers.

Of course he does. Dana had always been his favorite sibling. She was an extension of himself. The anima to his animus. He taught her how to fish, shoot and fight. She was more him than either of them would care to admit. Dana was as much Billy as Billy was Dana. If someone even looked at his small sister in the wrong way I was rearranging my schedule and making nice nice with the school principal.

"She is still alive Billy, please stop making assumptions/" I continued washing dishes as he stood in the doorway of the kitchen. Housework kept me sane. All those years of William at sea and you could eat off of my bathroom floors.

"I don't trust him Mom, he got her into this-"

I guffawed so loud that Billy jumped. "That's right Billy," I snickered in a memory of Dana having three older boys backed up against the house. "Your sister is so weak and malleable that anyone could talk her into anything."

The smile had traveled to his voice as he came to the same memory. "Yeah" he snickered. "I just wish she would realize that her actions affect us Mom. I, I feel so broken without her here." I moved to take his head in my hands, and there, standing in the sunlit kitchen with the water running, we cried.

By the second month of Dana's disappearance, Fox had taken up drinking. I would find bottles littered all over the apartment when I came over. Seems he preferred Tanqueray gin and I shuddered at his choice in sauce. I tried not to think of the implications of his move to alcohol. Was it out of his sense of loss, hopelessness? Or was he finally giving up on Dana? I dumped out all of his gin, fed the fish and scrubbed the toilet. When I went to get him groceries, I picked up a toilet paper, fresh apples, a cantaloupe, and a bottle of single malt whiskey.

"Thank you for feeding me Mrs. Scully" He smiled over his plate of homemade mac and cheese. "Fox, please, there is no reason to thank me, and I wish you would just call me Maggie." I pushed the broccoli toward him, the universal non verbal gesture to eat your veggies.

He grabbed a large spoonful and made a show of cramming as much into his mouth as possible. "You don't have to take care of me Mrs. -Maggie."

"Sure I do Fox," I smiled and sucked a long drag of java. "I need you in one piece to find my daughter." I instantly regretted the words as Fox slumped lower into my dining room chair. "I am sorry Fox, I didn't mean-"

He rose quickly and began to pace, "I know she is still alive, but. Maggie, there is not a lot to go on. I he=ave not lost faith, I know I will find her, but."

"Fox, I didn't mean to pressure you I realize this is hard." I placed my hand on his, "If you don't find her Fox, I-I have already began the process of grief..."

His physical flinch did not hurt as much as the sharp intake of air into his lungs. There were words that hovered around his mouth that he obviously struggled with not saying. He withdrew his hand sharply as if to retrieve it from a fire. "No, Maggie, no," he shook his head violently and I half expected him to throw his hands over his ears and chant.

"Fox, I need your help with something." He looked at me with that hooded disbelief, disgust oozing over his face. "Missy and Billy want to-We have had so much loss already this year Fox. They want to go pick out a headstone."

He fell apart then; a keening began in his throat but never reached the audio of his lips. His hummed refusal did not stop me from what needed to be done. "I have not lost faith in you Fox. This is not about Dana, this is a form of closure that the present need."

"I would like if you would come with us to pick one out. You knew Dana better than any of us recently."

"How can you just give up? She's your daughter for fuck's sake?" He slammed his hand into my wall. A heart sized hole that I never filled.

He looked at his bleeding hand as if it were someone else's appendage. He never looked me in the eyes again. In his way to the door he tripped over the ottoman, and for a moment I wanted to laugh, laugh at this odd recall of a stupid television show where no one got lost, no one cried over anything harsher than a toes stuch in the bathtub faucet. Fox would never have that carefree existence, he just wasn't built that way.

That was the last time I saw Fox Mulder until that night.

Month 3:1994

I was a mother in need of someone to mother. That was the only reason that I continued to clean and care for Fox Mulder in absentia. He made sure to not be around when I came over, and he would not return my calls or answer the notes I left on his fridge. He was avoiding me, I had hurt him inadvertently and his answer was to redouble his efforts to find Dana.

By the middle of that third month, I knew what I had to do. I waited for Fox, I sat in that apartment, parked my ass on his sofa, and waited for him to show. It took two days for me to realize that he wasn't coming there either.

I had no inclination of going home, Being surrounded by all of those happy family pictures only served to remind me of what I had lost. I drove around for a few hours, just trying to get my head together.

There were friends I could have gone to visit, shown up at their house at thus ungodly hour and received sympathy and reheated coffee, but that was not what I wanted. I wanted to grieve, I wanted to feel the end of the world in my veins. I wanted to hold my daughter. I wanted to believe.

By four in the morning I was bone tired and circling Georgetown. Dana's apartment was only lit by a few street lamps, the darkness so pervasive became more than enough cover s I made my way up the stairs to Dana's now deserted apartment. Her bed was still made from the last time I had come over and cleaned up after the police invasion through her place. I crawled under her covers and rode the wave of sleep that overtook me.

2001
West Lawn Cemetery
North Carolina

I stand next to my daughter who is constant proof of Fox's unshakeable faith and unfailing abilities. I always believed that Dana would return to us. I knew that she would come home to me. "Mom," Scully began as we walked to the limo. "Thank you for being here this is so difficult" She rubs her middle as if I don't know who the father of this kid is. I hug her without asking the questions she does not want to answer. I know full well about unrequited questions, I have a few of my own by now. "Come on Dana, let me take you home, Jude will be fine with the sitter for a few hours."

"Jeanine is a great help to you, I'm sorry I haven't been around as much as you needed over the last eight years." Her attempt at comforting me puts me to mind of the day she went missing so long ago. She hugs me around the waist and tucks her head into my shoulder for strength.

I open my mouth to again voice my regret at having left Jude at home, but the stranger approaching our pity party made me stay silent. "Dana, who is that?"

A short older man in a long trench coat and bankers glasses approaches us before we make it to the car. "Miss Scully, Mrs. Scully," he begins nervously.

"Yes," We answer like some bizarre Doublemint commercial.

"I'm Lawrence Goldman, attorney for Fox Mulder. I need to see both of you in my offices at your earliest convenience. I am so sorry for your loss. Fox. I have known his family for more years than I can count. They were all dear freinds" He handed each of us a copy of his card. "There are papers and documents that need to be dealt with that require immediate attention."

"Yes," Dana nods, "I will be in touch within the next couple of days," she assured him.

"Both of you,: he emphasized, "there were only three people named in his will and you two are the only non minors listed." He looked at us as if we had grown second heads. "Please, as soon as possible, there is a sizable estate here that needs to be handled discreetly and in a timely manner."

That's when it hits me, the lawyer knew, which means, all this time, Fox knew too. Lawyers are privy to more family secrets than a deviant afternoon talk show host. All this time I had assumed that what transpired was my secret, my business. Now I am beginning to believe that Fox....

Of course he would have known. An eidetic memory doesn't turn on and off. Even if it took him a while to remember, he would have eventually remembered and strung two plus two together to have gotten 1200. The only thing that surprised me was that he never told Dana.

"Mom, I think it's nice that Mulder would have named you and Jude in his will. He adored him so much," she spoke from her couch, lounged across it with her hand on her head. "Those two really connected. I always knew he would make a great father someday. Now...now we'll never really know for sure." Her voice broke down as she tucked herself around her middle. Dana was giving everything to protect this small life she carried inside.

I had lived with this for over eight years, I knew it was time to tell, time to clear the air and allow my conscience to finally be clear. It seems that loss and birth were forever to be etched on the sasme page for us. I lost Melissa around the arrival of Jude. Dana had lost this huge chunk of her soul, only to find it growing again right under her heart.

I was well acquainted with loss. It dwelled in the shadows of my home, and in the photos on the mantle. Hope was the only thing that could counteract loss. Lose hope, and loss can overwhelm a soul. I could tell Dana, now, and she would have to deal with this terrible thing that I have done. "Dana," I shuddered as I spoke "Back in 1994 when you were missing, Fox and I became close," I began.

"I know Mom. Mulder told me how well you took care of him. I never have thanked you for that." She sat up and looked at me as I stared out of the window.

"I know you think that I am an old woman who tried to recapture her youth by adopting a child at 48, but that's not exactly the truth.' I turned to face her inquisition as I continued.

"Mom, I don't think that. In fact I thought it was so noble the way you stepped in to care for someone you didn't know. He was a baby that needed a mother, and you didn't hesitate to offer the child a home." She stood up and moved to my side to place her arm around "my shoulder. "Even Mulder was impressed with your altruism." She laid her head upon my shoulder and sighed. "I miss him." I squeezed back and smiled. It wasn't the right time to tell, but I knew I had to tell her soon. Maybe Mulder's will wouldn't give anything away, but she had a right to know now. "Dana, I need to tell you some things," I insisted.

"Mom, you're scaring me." I could feel her already tense body stiffen. Perhaps now wasn't the ideal time to let lose family secrets. Perhaps I should wait til her already risky pregnancy had ended.

I of all people should respect the idea of a risky pregnancy.

1994: November

I lay in the bed of my missing daughter, I had never been a heavy sleeper so when the door opened and the smell of alcohol permeated the room.

"Scully?" Fox slurred as he made his way to the bed. "Scully, you're home?" he fumbled into the bed.

I knew I should have gotten the hell outta there, ran and never looked back. I knew that Fox was drunker than I think he had ever been in his life. The fact was, I couldn't move, couldn't speak. I was terrified to break whatever happiness he was gleaning from believing that I was his Scully. Fox began to ramble "I knew you would be back Scully. I knew you would." He held me so tight I could barely breathe. "I made a promise Scully, that when you came back I would show you how I feel, Scully let me show you."

I was afraid to say anything. In the condition he was in I wasn't sure if anything I said would be affective. Was I afraid of him at that point? Maybe for a fraction of a second/ Fox wouldn't hurt me, but he would have been devastated if he realized what he was doing. I had to assess the situation in a matter of seconds. He kissed every inch of my body. I had only ever been with one man my entire life. Never would I have imagined my body responding to this random display of drunken emotion.

He poured his heart out to his Scully that night. Every touch was accompanied by a declaration of undying adoration. By the time he had entered me, I was so on fire that the rationale of the situation was completely out the window. I placed my hands on his back and girded him on with his thrusts. This may have started out an accidental pairing, and turned into a mutual usuary session, but somewhere, for a moment albeit fleeting, there was a moment of love that ascended all of the trauma, and pain and loss we both felt.

Fox needed the physical contact to replenish his drive for Dana, as much as I needed to heal from the recent loss of my husband, but what we both fought against that night was the loss of hope. he came in a rage, screaming and ranting against life. I lay under him waiting for some uncomfortable moments, but he seemed to pass out. I waited until I was sure he had fallen into a deep sleep.

I began to slowly scoot from beneath him, but he was still, 'in' I guess the movement awoke him, as I felt him grow hard again. This time was slower, he never raised his head from my shoulder, I don't think he was even awake for it.

By the time I managed to wrestle myself from the bed, Fox was snoring loudly. It took an hour to get free, every time I tried to get out, Mulder would clench my breast as tight as possible.

God love him, I am sure it is the first thing all men think to grab, William was the same way, they can't help themselves, it's a trait carried on the y chromosome.

Whatever the outcome, something must have helped because a week later, Dana was returned to us. Three weeks later she was out of the hospital.

2000

"Mommy!" the little boy ran across the snowy lawn to leap into my arms. Seven years old and I almost can't handle his weight thrown at me. I had known when I found out I was pregnant that I was treading upon a dangerous endeavor. Jude would be raised by a woman nearing elderly status. By the time he left for college, I would be ready to collect Social Security.

"Honey, were you good for Miss Jeanine?" I asked my son as he held tight to my legs. It has always mostly been just us. While they were more than just surprised at my decision to adopt a waif, my older children were relieved that I didn't require any of them to do anything to help. My children are all independent and I take this as a testament to how well they were raised. I did not want this pregnancy to be a burden on any of my children, and more importantly, I did not need them to know that their very Catholic, very unmarried, widowed mother was expecting a baby one year after the death of their father.

"Yes Mom, can we go home now?" I helped my son into the car and waved my thanks to the woman standing in the doorway of the house. She had been a great help as Dana had said, and one of my truest friends since we moved here to Baltimore. But even she had no idea of where Jude came from.

Back then I thought I was going through the change. When my periods stopped it never dawned on me that I was expecting a change of life baby. I'd even gone so far as to go to the doctor's to begin HRT, something I knew I wanted to start to stave off heart disease.

Dr. Leary was a thorough physician; it was why I trusted him with my body for so long. He was the one who pushed me a script for Birth Control pills after Charlie was born. "There is no shame in knowing when to say when" He smiled. "The Pope proposes, but it is man who disposes."

I'd stopped taking them after William died, never thinking I would need them again. Dr. Leary also insisted upon my having a pregnancy test before writing a script, despite my insistence that it only happened once.

Thank God he did.

I left the Doctor's office with a script for pre natals and a referral for an OB-GYN.

Jude sits next to me in the car, flying his toy airplane in large loping swirls. "You went to a funeral today?" he asked me between swoops.

"Yes Jude, that's why you had to stay with Miss Jeanine."

"Mr. Mulder's funeral right?" he had stopped flying his plane and was looking at me with that same scary intensity.

"Yes Jude," I nodded "Mr. Mulder passed away, remember I told you about it?" I had made the decision to not have Jude attend his Fox's funeral. Jude and Fox were close, but Jude was only six years old and I didn't want his only memory of Fox to be in that wooden box.

"What's it like to be dead?" he asked as if he were asking what was for dinner. Funny thing about my youngest son, he was a curious little guy, and asked more questions than what was good for him. Drove his teachers up the wall, but made me prouder than I could have imagined.

I sat silent for a while as the scenery passed by. It was this time of year that made me the most serene. They say that everything begins to die in the fall, and that winter strips us of our immortality. I find that hard to believe. I was given Jude in the winter, a night where the temperature had dipped so low that the thin spread on Dana's bed barely kept me warm. "Well, that is hard to say Jude, I have never been dead so I don't know. I would imagine that it's a lot like falling asleep."

He nodded as if to ascertain this was sound knowledge. I was always a little scared of his intellect. He made it through school without a problem, even seemed mostly bored with second grade work he had to study. His mahogany colored hair and eyes showed me the Jewish heritage from his father's side. I don't think even Dana knows that Fox lightens his hair, but I have proof in Jude. "Do you think Mr. Mulder went to heaven like the Captain?" he had an idea that my deceased husband was the father he lacked.

"Absolutely he did." I nodded and ruffled his thick hair. Jude was a good boy, more than what I would have expected. He was the light in my day. He loved odd things, reading, and computers. He was a bona fide piano prodigy. I knew that Fox played the piano. There were a few family gatherings that he would play for us. Jude must have inherited his abilities. In fact, it was Fox who discovered them.

Christmas, 1999
Home of Mrs. Maggie Scully

I had a full house. Whether it was out of guilt over the still festering death of Melissa, or continued curiosity about Jude, that year all of my surviving children came together that Christmas. Billy had brought Tara and a one-year-old Matthew; Jude hovered somewhere between three and forty five. Dana had finally convinced Fox to come for the holiday. They didn't show up until long after roll call that day, some cock and bull story about a haunted house.

Guess that's what the kids are calling it these days. Either way, they seemed really happy and playful when I greeted them at the door.

I was in the kitchen cooking, as usual. Dana had actually pulled herself away from her partner long enough to join the rest of the women in the kitchen. Billy and Charlie could not be pulled away from whatever game was on the television. Periodically errant curses would spill from the family room, causing a chorus of female voices to shout about the swear jar. Tara and Jennifer made a shushing sound suddenly. I thought it was to hear the latest foul offerings from my oldest sons. Nope. Someone was playing the piano. Now, you may wonder why we even have a piano. Back in prehistoric times, everyone had a piano. I had acquired it from my mother when she died twenty years ago. Actually it became mine when I finally moved out of her house to follow William to Okinawa after Vietnam ended. Unfortunately not a single one of my children would play it. William threatened to sell it if we had to pay to move it again, but as with most of his rumblings, they were only hot air and bluff. That damn piano went everywhere we did. And if there was no room for it, then it was placed in storage until we moved. I myself had begun to hate the white elephant until we bought this house here in Maryland.

And even then it was a pain in the ass. I had toyed with the idea of passing it along to either Bill or Charlie; maybe try to convince them that one of their kids might want to play. It had become a lot for me to care for, especially since the arrival of my late in life gift, but I needed it to stay in the family.

Fox was seated on the bench playing as if he were the only one in the world. We watched from the dining room in silent awe as his long tapered fingers transverse the keys effortlessly. 'Fur Elise' had never sounded so soulful.

"I didn't know Fox could play the piano Dana," I stated, to which she shook her head and shrugged. There was a lot that most people didn't know about the man, he unfolded in little pieces like some ancient tediously built origami intricate.

Halfway through his rendition of the piece, Jude made his way over to the piano seemingly mesmerized by the sound of the keys. The other children were unimpressed by the music, but for my Jude, it was as if someone had turned on a beacon just for him. "Hey Buddy," Fox smiled down to the small child as he climbed onto the bench next to him. "You like the piano?"

Jude merely nodded his head as Fox changed to "The Itsy bitsy Spider" eliciting a smile from my son.

"You wanna learn how to play?" Jude nodded so hard I thought his head would fall off. Fox commenced to teaching the rudiments of playing. All that afternoon while we put together Christmas dinner and watched sports, Fox and Jude sat at the piano. By the end of the day Jude could play bits of tines. His small but long fingers could pluck the notes out from those keys in just the precise meter.

Jude was hooked, and from then on he and Fox were piano buddies.

I was a little nervous that he would take one look at my dark haired son and everything would come flooding back to him. As they sat side by side over the next three years, I realized that their similarities were becoming more and more evident. Little things that only an astute mother would notice; for one, Jude had an odd way of cocking his head to one side when he was trying to really learn something.

I first noticed it when he was trying hard to learn a piece by Mozart. It was the hardest piece he had come across so far. He was not so big on reading music, so he would memorize the piece as it was played and try to emulate the sounds. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, he wanted to show Fox when he came over next. Jude sought for Fox's approval in a way I knew I would have to curb at some point. Fox has the same habit, I had noticed it years before in California, a Christmas marked by both birth and death.

When Dana would give information he needed to remember, Fox's head would begin to list like the Titanic. It was the first time I had seen them work together. He stayed up late looking at reams of files he had brought with him. He was relentless, yet another trait he shared with my son. Jude held an intensity that I often chalked up to his status as an only child. Jude could hold himself fixated on a task without losing concentration. In a way it scared me.

I watched my six-year-old son sit at that piano for four hours straight, his head tilted so far to the left I was amazed he didn't fall off the bench. They even held their hands at the keys in the same way. Watching them from the outside, I tried to reassure myself in this relationship they formed. I knew this was something that Jude needed, but I think Fox needed it in a way too. They were good for each other. Who was I to break it up?

Fox has the same habit, I had noticed it years before in California, a Christmas marked by both birth and death. He stayed up late looking at reams of files he had brought with him. He was relentless.

I sent him to play in the yard while I started our dinner. The phone jarred me out of my pity. " Mrs. Scully," the voice assured. "This is Lawrence Goldman, we met earlier today at the cemetery."

"Yes," I was not in the mood for what was assuredly more of the past being shoved in my face.

"Mrs. Scully, it is essential that you come to the office as soon as possible-"

"Mr. Goldman, I have a young child, now I promised that I would contact you as soon as I could-"

"I can assure you this matter directly affects your son, Jude his name is right?" Goldman paused for affect. My first instinct was to hang up on the squirrelly voiced man "How..."

"Mr. Mulder was adamant that his will be altered to insure that Jude would be cared for if anything happened to him."

"I'll be in tomorrow at twelve, but one more thing Mr. Goldman."

"Don't worry Mrs. Scully, Dana won't be in until Friday."

New Year's Eve
1994

"What do you mean you are going away for a while? I just got back Mom." My youngest daughter is a wonderful person, but she possessed her father's need to have me available per her scheduling.

"Dana, really you will be fine, and that orphanage in Argentina is in need of a nurse. I don't think six months will make a difference in your healing. You are almost back to full capacity now, you return to work in less than a week. Besides, Fox will help you." I nodded toward the sulking man in the corner of her bed. He nodded back as if agreeing to do something he would have done without being asked. Like breathing. "Sure will." He smiled.

Dana wasn't easily put aside, and at the same time, she was not about to admit that she needed me in any capacity. "But mom, its dangerous. Are you sure this is something I really want to do?"

I love when my children treat me as if I have just come out of the bubblewrap. "Dana, I did graduate from college with an RN, while pregnant with you, and caring for Missy and Bill Jr." I folded my arms hoping that she got the message. "I want to do this to help others as you were helped. This orphanage is in need of a nurse while Sister Rosa cares for her mother." The lies were coming easily now. "I need to do this Dana, and I will do it. You will be able to reach me through Father Mchugh." I had perfected the death glare long before she was even born, and she didn't have the balls to try it on me.

"I think it's a great idea Mom, you need to get out and see more tof the world. God knows you didn't see much of it out of our kitchen window. " Melissa labored under the delusion that I did little else but raise the four of them. They all had short memories. I did go back to school right after I gave birth to Bill and Melissa, my one shot family. Thanks to living at home with my parents while my new husband sailed the seven seas.

I even worked up until a month before I had Dana.

Dana cast her usual disapproving stare at Missy, who was not as impervious as I had been. While Missy held power over Dana for years as they grew up with she being the elder sister. After Dana's career move to professional gun-toter, something changed. It wasn't the firepower, or the training that placed Dana as the lead alpha female of the sibling pack. Dana had gained a confidence with her employment at the Bureau, an unmistakable aura of self endurance and self efficacy.

Melissa briefly shriveled from Dana's reproach, and I could imagine a future final battle between these two someday. "I just think she has a right to see the world from the other side for a while. Who are we to say what she can or should do? It's her life Dana.

Her sigh was acquiescence, as if I would have not gone without her consent. "Please be careful Mom."

I spent six months in a hospital in Seattle, extreme bed rest for my very high risk twin pregnancy. I used phone cards to keep in touch with my kids. God bless Father Mchugh's eternally self righteous heart. When I told him of my situation, he automatically assumed I was looking for a church sanctioned 'out.' He helped me find this hospital and continued to be my constant secret keeper. Looking back, I think he was just happy I didn't opt for an abortion.

Jude and his twin were born two months early. June 17th my water broke, only one sac for identical twins. They were both tiny, but Jude happened to have had a better spot in utero, Christopher's cord was smashed by his brother's head. Christopher was stillborn, but Jude was pink, healthy and strong. I held my son and cried. I was there all alone, no one knew where I was. I had gone off to have my baby like some remorseful teen after losing her virginity at prom. His name was befitting, St. Jude Thaddius, the patron saint of lost causes. If anyone had thought about it long enough, that name should have given my secret away almost as much as if I would have named him Fox Jr.

My return home was a triumphant one. I called each one of my children to inform them that I was not returning home alone. I had found this child who seemed to tug at my heart. This child that I did not planned for, had stolen my heart. I think they all blamed my impulsiveness upon the loss of William, they were hesitant to give an opinion about Jude that defied anything other than a positive life change. Dana was the only one to mildly question any of my actions. She was also the only one to question the adoption itself. Even going so far as to ask to see the documents of adoption, a request that was summarily refused.

It was Mulder who came to my rescue, Mulder of all people, the one who I had truly wronged in all of this by keeping my secret. I think he still held a sense of loyalty to me after Dana's disappearance. Dana's phone rang right as she launched into a diatribe regarding the dangers of faulty international adoptions. Fox, of course, requesting her help regarding some case.

She disappeared for a week that time, and when she came back it was in time to watch her sister die.

Funny how the joy in the birth of one child can be doused in the absolute sorrow at the loss of another. Melissa's death came mere days after my return to Maryland.

It was the first time I left Jude with Jeanine Hurston. She was the first person to figure out my secret.

1995

"Thank you Jeanine for keeping him for me. I know its been a while since you have had to look over one so small." I smiled as she brought Jude's tiny bundled body to me. I was determined to not let him detect any negative feelings.

My next thought that I sounded just like Melissa sent those ideals out of the window.

"Maggs, I am so sorry about your loss." Jeanine fidgeted as if unsure what to say. No one feels more discomfort than a parent faced with the loss of child by another parent. It places you in limbo. Jeanine was so uncomfortable because she could not help but have a waking nightmare of losing one of her children. "Thanks Jeanine." I sniffed.

"Oh, there was breast milk left over, I had a hard time getting him to take the bottle. He may be pretty hungry by now." She handed me the bottles with a grim smile.

"But, he's not breastfed Jeanine," I insisted, frightened out of my mind.

"Maggs, look I have six children, I know a breastfed baby when I see one. Not only would he not take to a bottle, but just look at his cheeks!" she ran a finger over Jude's protruding jowls. "I know you said he was adopted; it must be pretty bad if you had to lie to everyone about where he came from." She didn't ask for a story, and I felt no need to explain.

"It's complicated Jeanine," I offered clenching Jude a little closer as I shamelessly undid my blouse to feed him.

She nodded. "I'm sure it is." I think she assumed it was a rape. I felt awful letting her believe that, but it was still better than the truth.

Offices of Goldman and Stein, Attorneys at Law
Boston, MA
December 2000

The little man sat behind a large mahogany desk. "The estate of Fox Mulder has been set up into a trust for a Jude Murphy Scully. There is a sizable amount left for a Dana Scully, and Mr. Mulder has named you executer if his estate."

"I don't understand why he would do that. He has been in a long term relationship with my-With Dana Scully. They are expecting their own son in the next few months. Give it to them, Jude and I are fine."

Goldman looked as if I had just set fire to his favorite sweater, but he nodded and continues on. "Mr. Mulder thought you would turn it down. There is one thing though. The trust fund can't be turned down, its iron clad in your son's name."

I nodded, of course Fox would do something like this. It was his way to give all that he could.

"Mrs. Scully, let me be completely blunt here." Goldman inched forward in his squinching leather seat. "Before his disappearance a while back, I had been trying to get in touch with him. Mr. Mulder is a very busy man. " I wasn't sure where he was going with this, but I knew I would not like the end of the journey. "He had questions regarding the sudden appearance of Jude Scully. See, he had no idea, he just wanted to make sure Jude wasn't sick like another child that had 'turned up' in the family. Both of them were around the same age, correct?"

My blood began to run cold, ice could not have melted anywhere near me. "I'm sorry; I don't see how this is relevant to my son..."

He smiled that leathery lawyer smile and went on. "I was merely following a directive by one of my most important clients. Mr. Mulder's intentions were to keep you and your family, especially Dana Scully, safe," he slid a photo across his desk.

"Why do you have a photo of my son?" I asked at first glance of the photo.

"This," Goldman explained as he slid another photo onto his desk. "Is a photo of Jude Thaddius Scully," he slid the two photos right next to each other. "See anything odd Mrs. Scully?"

It was almost as if someone had removed the ground out from under me. I had nothing to say. I rose quickly intending to run home and never set foot in this office again.

"Sit down Mrs. Scully, I have absolutely no intention of outing you, nor am I interested in knowing any sordid tale of lust and betrayal," he leaned down into his desk to dig through a drawer. "It was my intention on informing Mr. Mulder of the 'inaccuracies,' that I had discovered, but he never returned my calls. Imagine my surprise when I found out about his disappearance and subsequent death."

I was getting bored with his talkative Sam Spade act. "Mr. Goldman I don't have long, I promised my son I would pick him up in time for dinner. So if you have a point I suggest you get to it quick." Goldman waved away my protests as he again spoke. "The point is Mrs. Scully; I never got a chance to tell Fox that he was a father. Never got a chance to demand a DNA test," He stared at me over his glasses. "Not that one is necessary since there is virtually no one else to contest the will, except Dana Scully. " He looked pointedly in my eyes. "Fox Mulder was the only person I was obligated to tell Mrs. Scully, given the present circumstances of your daughter, I can understand your need for-

"Fox and his family have always been well off Mrs. Scully. This is a family of old, old money. Both his parents. Jude, and the possible subsequent unborn fetus belonging to Miss Scully, deserve to benefit from the inheritance. There is no one else left of the Mulders."He had risen from his seat also, hands spread out in front of him. "Please, reconsider this Mrs. Scully. If Fox had known, don't you think this is what he would have wanted?

I ran home as fast as American Airlines would take me.

We moved through time, each finding our own way in the grief that Fox's death left. Jude missed his friend. Sometimes he would just sit at the piano playing Eine Klein Nachtmusik, the first piece that had led Jude to the piano. The first piece he had heard Fox play. Mozart's most famous piece was played until I could not take it anymore. I realized I had underestimated Fox's importance in Jude's life. Dana wallowed in a sort of haze that I wasn't sure she would come out of. Death and birth, birth and death. The two extremes played back and forth. After Melissa's death, I had begun to question my reasoning in keeping Jude's parentage a secret. After Emily I really started to feel responsible for an unknown loss in Fox's life. Did I even have a right to keep him from knowing his son? Was I hurting Jude by not allowing him to know where he came from? And truthfully, I had come to understand that this was going to come out one way or another. I had no right to allow Jude to believe that he was adopted. He had a mother and a father. Nothing stays buried forever.

I knew what I needed to do, I had to tell Dana. I was sparing her adult feelings in lieu of protecting my six-year-old son. I could not choose one over the other, but Fox was gone, and I knew I had to make this whole fucked up thing right.

I hated talking to answering machines.

"Dana Honey its Mom, listen I need to talk to you about something. It's pretty important. Can you call me back? We would love to have you over for dinner. We could, we need to talk Dana-

"Dana, honey what is it? Is everything ok? Is there something wrong with the baby?" my heart was racing. Birth, death, birth, death.

She laughed, actually laughed. "no Mom, it's Mulder. They dug him up. On a whim, can you believe it. They dug him up! He's alive Mom. Mulder's alive."

End