Title: Something Tangible
Seven months. And each day that she doesn't find him - or proof that he is alive and well somewhere else, she dies inside a little more. She likes to believe that she is strong and that she will survive this because she has always overcome whatever has been forced upon her. But I know the truth. She is breaking. She has lost her strength. No. She hasn't lost it, it was taken from her. I fear that she will loose her will to fight without him. I want to believe that I am wrong, but something tells me that I am not. She is my daughter and I know her. She is not an enigma to me. A mother knows her child. She knows what lives in the hearts of the souls she bore. And Dana will soon discover this truth on her own. Just six weeks left, and the life inside her will show her how deep and strong a mother's love is. I jump from my seat when I hear the pounding on the door. It's frantic and incessant. As I open the door, I feel the blood drain from my face.
The door swung open abruptly and I stood facing Maggie Scully. I heard her gasp and my name slipped through her lips. "Is she here? I've been looking all over for her, Mrs. Scully. Do you know where she is?" I stop when I realize that I'm yelling. "Fox. OhmyGod! Come in. Come in. Yes, Dana is here. She's resting. Are you okay? Where have you been?" I know that she wants answers. I've been away since May. But I can't answer her questions now. I just have to see her. My Scully. It's been so long and she was sick the last time I saw her. I want to believe that she is well and whole; that in loving her, I gave her something tangible to hold onto in my absence. She's the reason I fought so hard to come back. It wasn't easy. But I'm here now and all I want is to see her, to hold her. I miss the smell of her hair. The feel of her skin - so soft and warm. I've been so cold without her for the past forever. Each new day was met with longing and heartache. If I can just look into her eyes, I'll know that everything is right with the world once again. I'll be able to fight once again. Or maybe it's time to stop. Maybe it's time to just hold each other close and let ourselves go with the feelings we had just started to allow ourselves to experience. Then her words hit me. Resting? Why? It's the middle of the day. "Is she sick? Where is she? I have to see her." "She's upstairs in bed Fox. She's been waiting for you." I hardly hear her last words as I take the stairs two at a time. All I think about is holding her close. Feeling her breath on my cheek. I long to have her soft body close to mine. I reach the top of the staircase and slowly walk towards the spare bedroom. The door is already slightly ajar, so I quietly ease it open the rest of the way. I see her then, lying on the bed beneath the blankets, hugging a pillow. I slowly walk towards her, careful not to make a sound. She looks so peaceful and I'm starting to feel better just knowing that I can see her. As I reach the side of the bed, I kneel to the floor so that my face is level with hers. It is then that I see dried trails of tears running down the length of her face. Oh Scully, I'm so sorry. I didn't know that I was the one they wanted. I never would have left you if I had known. Sensing my presence, she stirs and opens her eyes.
Oh no. Not this dream again. Not the one where he looks so real. Where it seems that I can just reach out and touch him. I've been without him for so long now. My Mulder. There are so many things I have to tell you. I want to believe that you will return and we can embark on this new road together. You've already missed so much. The first sonogram...The first heartbeat...The first kick. How many other firsts will you miss? Will you still be gone when our child takes its first breath? Cries the first cry in this cold and unjust world? How will I ever shield our baby from the evil? This was a journey meant to be taken by us both and now I am alone. The tears start anew. I thought I had cried myself dry. As they fall hot from my eyes, you reach toward me to wipe them away and I can almost believe that I am feeling your touch. It has been so long since I felt you, since I heard your voice. It's getting more and more difficult each day to conjure your image in my mind. Oh God this hurts! I just want to sleep the nondreaming sleep. To slip into the oblivion where the pain subsides for a few brief hours. "Oh Mulder. I've prayed for you to return to me. And you always do, but only in my dreams. I've learned to be more specific when asking The Heavens for my only desire." "And someone finally listened. I'm here Scully. It's me. Feel my hand caress your face. Feel my breath whisper against your skin. Does this feel like a dream?" "You're really here?" I hear myself ask. And then I see the talisman. My cross hangs from his neck. It's something I've never seen in my dreams. It's the proof of his presence here before me, something tangible to hold onto, and I finally let myself believe.
I begin crying in earnest now. Not out of heartache, but out of joy. Mulder has been returned to me and even though he is inches from my face, we are still too far away. I reach for him and wrap my arms around his neck, bringing his lips to mine. Our first kiss in many months is tender and sweet, but soon grows in passion. Before I realize what is happening, I feel Mulder's hands all over me. As his fingers sweep across my swollen belly he draws back in shock. "I guess there are some things I've got to tell you." I look up to see Mulder staring at me in total amazement. "I don't even care how this happened. I never thought it would be possible after...but you're, I mean we're gonna have a baby??" "I know, Mulder. It seems so contrived after all that we have learned, but it's true, and it's real, and it's you and me. This is what has kept me going. Knowing that part of you has been growing in me. Feeling this baby, our baby, move has given me purpose and my life substance while you've been gone." I look into the depth of his hazel eyes and seeing the love and wonder there, I pull him up close to me so that we lay spooning on the bed trying to reconnect and find each other.
I know that I shouldn't have, but I did. I'm not ashamed of myself as I slowly back away from the door and head back down the stairs to give them the privacy they deserve. Of course I'm happy that Dana's heart will begin to heal now that Fox has been restored to her. It makes me smile knowing he will be there to hold her hand when she experiences the pain and wonder of childbirth. I am pleased that they will be a complete family that will continue to depend upon each other and shelter each other from the dangers of the world beyond these walls. So of course I'm happy, but I'm also worried. She was taken once before and even more recently, Fox disappeared for a few months. I can only hope that they will not have to live through another separation, but even more so, I hope the child will be spared. My prayer for these souls is that they may now live out the remainder of their days in a manner of normalcy that they have yet to experience. So I kneel before the fire in the hearth and clutch my Rosary close to my heart. As I begin to chant the mantra, I can't help but feel that my prayers fall upon deaf ears.
I hold her tight. It feels so good to have my arms wrapped around her once again. I'm going to have to get used to holding more of Scully. This dream is one that I never allowed myself to ponder. I never thought it possible for the two of us to be parents. But then again, at one time I never thought it possible for the two of us to be in a position to become parents. I nose my way through her hair until I feel my lips brush up against the skin of her neck. As I softly drop little kisses along her tender skin, I can't help but be thankful to whatever powers allowed me to return so that I may be a part of this most wonderful experience. We have so much to do to prepare for the arrival of this little innocent, but right now, I just don't want to move. "Scully?" "Yeah?" "When is the baby due?" "Six weeks. You made it back just in time." I start to run my fingers up and down her arm - trying to convey the depth of my love through my touch. Parents. I can't believe that we're going to be responsible for the life of another human being. Every decision we make will ultimately affect this child. "Scully?" "Yeah?" "I'm going to be a daddy." "It's a great feeling, isn't it, Mulder?" Even though she can't see me, I smile in answer to her question.
It took everything in my power to convince them that returning him would be in everyone's best interest. I had to explain countless times that he was not the answer. The truth they sought was still unobtainable, but will be arriving in just a few short weeks. I'll give them enough time so that they feel comfortable and safe, and when they least expect it, I'll make my move once again shattering their world and all the illusions they will once again come to trust as truth. I'll show them just how intangible one's world can be. End
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