Title: Scully's Letter: Dear Emily
Author: Kennedy
Written: May 1999
Rating: PG
Category: V, A
Disclaimer: Not mine. Really.

Summary: A reflection on loss.

Authors notes: A little more angst from my life using my beloved Scully to help purge my soul.

Scully sat in the darkened living room of her apartment holding the tattered picture in her hand. It was her only picture of Emily. Today was the little girl's birthday; she'd have been four years old. Scully laughed bitterly at the idea of it being the girl's birthday.

Like so many things about the girl, that too was a mystery. Birthdays constituted being there when your child was born. Even in adoption, at least the biological parent was there. Experienced the birth. Sometimes even the adoptive parents were there. Scully had had neither. It was one of the many things she resented about Emily's life.

Feeling the weight of a thousand elephants upon her chest she went to her computer. Opening up her journal, she began typing her letter to Emily.

Dear Emily,
Today is your birthday. The day you came into the world. The day your hell began. Mulder said you were never meant to be; maybe. But the fact remains that you were here. You lived and loved. And hopefully you were loved. I know I loved you.

That I found you was a miracle. That I loved you preordained. That I let you go unfathomable. But necessary. As usual, I made a decision for the good of the whole instead of the good of my heart and soul. I let you go. Mulder said it was for the best. Maybe.

Emily, you flitted across the landscape of my life like a butterfly. A little glimpse of heaven. I was loved. Then you were gone. And I lost it. Something that money can't replace and no memory can erase. No other that may come along will compare.

Emily, you were cast down from the heavens for the sole purpose of being returned too early. Like Eve in the garden, you were a delicious fruit I could not resist. My taste of heaven turned out to be a dream.

Nothing is free Emily, and my love for you cost me dearly. The day you died I lost a piece of myself forever. At times I wish I had been selfish. I wish I had held onto you. In my head I know my decision was right. But sometimes I find myself listening with my heart. I never take that which doesn't belong to me. That includes you Emily. You were never mine to have. You were not meant for this world.

And so I let you go. There are days I want to follow you to wherever you are. But I won't. To leave this world would mean letting them win. So, as hard as it is, I will stay. For you.

Happy Birthday Emily. You are loved.

Mommy

Scully wiped at the tears falling from her eyes and re-read the letter. Hitting the power button she looked skyward and wondered what here beloved was doing.

The computer prompted her to save the document before shutting the computer down. Without hesitation she clicked no. The letter was meant for no one else but Emily. And in Scully's mind, Emily was with her always and had already read the letter.

She returned to the safety of her couch. Composing herself, she reached for the telephone and called Mulder. "Mulder, it's me. Let's go to a movie."

And life went on.

The End