Title: Sarah 13. Dear Melissa
Author: Eleanore
Series: Sarah series
Rating: General
Warning... Borderline Scully/Mulder romance
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the television program "The X Files" are the creations and property of Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting, and Ten-Thirteen Productions, and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended.

X-PHILES: You are welcome to re-post or otherwise distribute this story among other X-Philes, as long as you do so for free, and my name and e-mail address go with it as author.

Summary: Scully's attachment to Sarah is growing stronger. She writes to her sister about the best of days and the worst of days.


Dear Melissa,
It's been a while since I've written. So much has happened in the last few months. I've become a mother. Yes... that's what I said... a mother.

I told you before Christmas about Mulder's daughter, Sarah. I'm afraid I was feeling very resentful at the time, and I was mostly complaining about how much attention Mulder was giving her, and not giving me. I'm ashamed to read it over now, but childish and selfish as they were, they were my true feelings at the time.

Since then, Sarah has become an important part of my life. I wish that you could see her, Missy. She's going to be a tall beauty... a brown eyed brunette like her mother. She's sweet and generous of heart, bright and musical. Mulder is fiercely proud of her, and rightly so.

We spent Christmas together. It was a little strange, as we weren't yet quite comfortable with our patched together family group. Since then we have spent a lot of time together, sometimes the three of us, sometimes just Sarah and I, and now I can't imagine life without her hugs and smiles and chatter. I now love her as if she were my own.

Remember how we talked once about adoption? It was during the time that Charles and Nina were trying to get pregnant. You said that you could love any baby, and I said that I didn't think that I could truly love someone else's child. Oh, Missy, how wrong I was. Of course, it helps that she is Mulder's child, but I think that I would have come to love her even if I didn't see Mulder in her. She lifts my spirits after a difficult day's work. Makes me see the world through innocent eyes again. When she throws her arms about me, I know why it is that we plod on.

There have been bad days, too. Yesterday was one. At the same time it was one of the most wonderful days of my life.

Mulder was out of town on a case. He has given the school and the babysitter my name and number as one of the people to contact in case of emergency. I was still at the office, just tidying up a few loose ends before I went to fetch Sarah from the sitter's. I was to take her to her piano lesson, and then sleep over at Mulder's with her. I spend an awful lot of time sleeping at Mulder's. And, no, not in that way. Take that smug look off your face, big sister. This "relationship" is still unconsummated.

The sitter, Mrs. Flansburg, called me. She was so upset that she could hardly talk coherently. Sarah had been injured while playing in the park. All I could get out of her was that it was an injury to the face. The woman was nearly hysterical with apologies and guilt. When she finally gave me the name of the hospital that she was at, I hung up on her and tore out of the office. Sarah's beautiful little face! I was sick with fear. The adrenalin was flowing pure in my veins... I don't remember that drive at all. When I came out of the hospital much later, my car was neatly parked in the parking lot, but I have no memory of doing so.

Emergency was busy. I pulled rank, intimidated the nurse at the receiving desk with my badge and barged into the treatment area. I could hear her. I knew it was her and not any other child; I knew it was my child, Missy. She was calling out for her mother, and it broke my heart, both that she was calling in vain, and that she wasn't calling for me.

They were trying to wrap her in restraints, and she was fighting them. There was a lot of blood. I couldn't tell how much actual damage there was, I was just glad that Mulder wasn't there. The blood would have scared him to death. If they had only told Sarah what they wanted to do and why, she might have stayed calm... she's very mature and wise for her age. They were trying to wrap her in a sheet so that she couldn't move. They do that with small children so that the surgeon can stitch them. She was fighting them and calling out desperately for her mother... it was awful. Just as I got to them, I heard the doctor coldly order the nurse to give her a shot of sedative. Like many children, Sarah fears needles. She went berserk... and so did I.

You know those stories you read in the papers about women who lift cars off their trapped children? Truly, Missy, I could have picked up a truck and tossed it like a beach ball. I have never felt like that before. I was just thrumming with power, and I would have done anything to protect my child.

I told that doctor that he was NOT going to give Sarah an unnecessary shot, a shot that she wouldn't have needed if they had approached her with more sensitivity. A sedative can be given orally... they have a syrup just for children... but it would have taken time to act, and this guy subscribed to the whole "doctor as demi-god" image... his time was more precious than the patient's peace of mind. I hope, if I ever go into private practice, that I will not fall prey to the same arrogant blindness. (Please send down a small lightning bolt to remind me if I ever need it.)

Sarah was reaching for me and still calling out "Mommy, I want my mommy." The doctor got all pompous and irritable and threatened to have me thrown out. I told the bastard that I was the child's caretaker and I would bloody well stay, and if he didn't like it I would take the child somewhere else for treatment. By this time I had Sarah safe in my arms. While the old walrus was puffing and blowing, I was able to calm her down and talk to her. Her nose was split open. It needed very careful and delicate stitching. So I explained to her that it was important that she lie still so that the doctor could do a good job.

She was amazing, Missy. So brave. I told her that they would simply have to put needles in and that the first ones would hurt, but after that her nose wouldn't be able to feel very much. And I told her that I would stay right beside her and hold her hand, and she could squeeze my hand as hard as she wanted when it hurt, but that she must stay still.

By this time, old Sawbones had left, and a young resident was preparing to do the sutures. He warned me that he wasn't qualified as a plastic surgeon yet, but that he would do his very best. He kept calling me Mrs. Mulder. Certainly not the first time that someone has made that mistake, but it was the first time that I haven't bothered to set them straight.

With Sarah's permission, we wrapped her legs to help her stay still and also put a wrap around her upper arms, but left her hands free. The nurse held her head, I held one hand and a nurse's aide held her other hand. Poor sweetie. She was scared, but the resident suggested that she closed her eyes, and that I sing to her softly to distract her and reassure her.

I thought that she would break my fingers, she crushed them so when the first needles with the local went in. They do hurt terribly. I sang every song that Mother ever taught us. Every nursery rhyme, every Sesame Street, every lullaby. All the folk songs that you play on your guitar. A few sailor's ditties of questionable taste. Young Doctor Kildare asked for an encore on those. Then the nurses started to ask for old favorites, and soon we were all singing quietly, except for Sarah and the doctor. She was so still that I would have thought she was unconscious, except that when I squeezed her hand, she always squeezed back.

When the doctor finally told her that she could move, she opened her eyes and smiled the most wonderful smile, and I burst into tears. I know that's hard for you to believe. Dana... the strong one... always cool and controlled. There's something about children that softens your heart, Missy, makes you feel... reorganizes your priorities, and leaves you very vulnerable. As soon as Sarah was free of the sheets she put her arms around me and she was comforting me. "Don't cry, Dana, it's all over. I'm okay."

The doctor looked at her in surprise. "You called her Dana. Isn't she your mother?" he asked Sarah.

And she replied, "Yes, she's my mother. I called my first mother Mommy, but I call my new mother Dana."

Oh, Missy. I'm crying all over your letter. So stupid to be so sentimental about a mere word, but it is a magic word... "mother". Its power ranks right up there with "I love you." It made me so happy. I'm so grateful that I've been given the opportunity to love her, and to have her love me back. I only wish that you could have had the chance to feel the love of a child of your own.


She's asleep on the couch now. We slept there together last night, because it is Mulder's place and we both felt comforted to be in his place. I haven't told Mulder yet. He called last night for his usual bedtime chat with Sarah, and I said that Sarah was already asleep, which she was. I will tell him when he calls tonight. Sarah and I are both feeling stronger and calmer, and Mulder will be coming home tomorrow anyway.

Sarah is rather proud of her war wound. Tomorrow she will be back at school and I know that all the other kids will be very impressed by the neat row of tiny black stitches down her nose. Young Doctor Kildare... I think his name was Krajewski... did an excellent job; the edges at the nostril are almost exactly aligned. The scar should be only a very fine line, that will fade with time, and she can have that removed when she is older. It could have been much worse. She fell from the top of the climbing apparatus, face down on an unopened can. One of those little fruit cup cans that another child had had in his lunch. Thank goodness it hadn't been opened. Thank God she didn't break her neck.

Mulder will be heart broken when he sees her poor little nose all swollen and disfigured. And he will probably feel guilty because he wasn't here for her, but the truth is that Sarah has come to accept the fact that he must go away for his work. She knows now that he will come back, and she knows that she is loved and cared for in his absence. When he goes alone, I look after Sarah. When we must both go, Mom looks after her. Sarah calls her Auntie Margaret, and Mom just loves it.

As we were getting ready for bed last night, I mentioned how much she must have wanted her mother... that I had heard her calling out for her Mommy, and I was sorry that her mother wasn't able to come to her.

"I wasn't calling for Mommy. She can't come back, you know, Dana. Once you die you can't come back. Mrs. Flansburg went to phone you and I knew that you would come. I was calling for you to hurry. I just forgot that I'm supposed to call you Dana. That's okay isn't it?"

"Oh, sweetie, of course it's okay. I'm very proud to be your new mother, because you are a wonderful, brave girl and I love you very much."

We fell asleep cuddled up together, there on Mulder's couch. I don't think that I've ever been so happy, Missy. I've been living alone for so long that I had nearly forgotten how wonderful it is to be a part of a family. We are a family in every way... except that Mulder and I don't sleep together, and I plan to correct that very soon.

He has been so wrapped up in Sarah that we haven't been very close lately. She has needed a lot of time and attention to help her get over her mother's death, and to adjust to her new life with Mulder, but I see signs of a change coming. He has started touching me again, and it feels so good. I had really begun to fear that he no longer cared for me in that way. I missed you so, Melissa. No one better than a big sister to discuss your boy troubles with. I talked it over with Mom, but it just wasn't the same.

You're probably wondering what happened to all my doubts about becoming intimately involved with my partner. My fears of appearing unprofessional... of damaging my career. Somewhere in the last half year they evaporated. Sarah's arrival did two things. It made me jealous. So much so that I could no longer even pretend that I didn't love Mulder and want to be with him always. And it also gave me a reason for wanting to keep this little family together. Sarah needs stability and deserves a full time mother. She has such wonderful potential. She is so bright... and intuitive like Mulder. I would not want to see her stunted by emotional handicaps. I want to be there to help her grow up strong and intact.

Perhaps it is just my biological clock that has seduced me into loving this child. It is my time for childbearing and nurturing. So be it. I am a willing victim to nature's plan. I find myself wondering what it would have been like to hold Sarah as an infant, and I know that I want my own babies soon.

I still want my work, too... I have not stopped wanting a career... but for the first time I can see that it might have to go on to the back burner for a while. These other needs take precedence for the time being. I will have time to go back and pick up the threads of my professional life after my children are older.

Goodness... I'm talking like they were already here, and they are not yet even a twinkle in Mulder's eye. I hope he won't have any objections. I'm sure he won't. Sarah will be thrilled to be a big sister, and you, Missy, will be an auntie yet again.

I love you and I miss you. I'm sorry that my children will never know you, but I will make sure that they know of you. I will keep your memory alive and warm... just as we keep the memory of Sarah's first mother alive for her. I've taped a copy of Sarah's school picture here for you to see.

I'll write again when I know when the wedding will be. Wish me luck. I'm about to set a Mulder trap.

Love, always,
your sister, Dana

The End

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