Title: Never Meant to Be
Author: Starbuck
Genre: General
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Why should I even bother? Its not like Chris Carter is going to sue me.

Summary: Scully's final moments with Emily. The heartbreaking scene I'm glad they didn't include in the episode.

The monotonous beeping of the numerous monitors surrounding your bed has become a comfort to me. Though I know that sometime soon they will cease their tireless noise forever, they console me in a way. I know that as long as they sound, my daughter is still alive. I know that they haven't taken you forever.

Emily, I know you have no idea what death is yet, do you? You've heard of it, I'm sure. Death is only a part of life. In order for one being to live, another must die. I'm trying to come to terms with your impending death, but it's hard. God never meant for three-year-olds to die.

That's right. God never meant for you to die. They did. Emily, you're dying and there's nothing I can do but hope that one day these men will be punished for the suffering they have inflicted upon so many.

When you go, Emily, you'll see a bright light. Go to it. It's heaven, and God will greet you with open arms. While on earth you were never meant to be, in Heaven everyone has a purpose and every person's life has as much significance as the next.

Why must you die here? I hate hospitals, and I suppose that I most likely passed that gene on to you. The walls are white, the beds are white, the clothes are white, and the floors are white. It always seemed a little ironic to me that the color of purity masks every wall of these dreadful places. I guess it also symbolizes hope. Others can have hope for their dying loved ones, but I know there is no use in me trying to have hope for mine. The time for hoping has passed. The time for praying has come, along with the time for acceptance.

I accept that you are my daughter. I accept that you never once called me Mommy. I accept that you never were loved the way every child is supposed to be loved. And I also accept that you are slowly slipping away from me. I know you'll be in a better place, but its not the same.

I had so many dreams for us, Emily. You were going to live with me at my apartment. Your grandmother was going to help raise you, and my partner was to be your father figure. Children need father figures in their lives. One day, I was going to watch you graduate from college. You were the answer to all of my prayers. You were the miracle I had dreamed of for so long. So what have I done to deserve this?

There's a hand on my shoulder and I turn to stare into the eyes of my partner. He is silent, reverent of the significance of these final moments, wondering if he is intruding on our last moments together. I nod, asking him to stay. For once, I want someone by my side as I accept defeat. I've dealt with pain independently before, but I need him with me now. He's the only one that understands.

I'm the first to break the silence.

"What did she do to deserve this? What did she do to anyone that would make her deserve to die?" I ask quietly, not expecting an answer and not receiving one. Mulder knows when I need time to think aloud. He remains silent and takes a step toward me. "Why would someone create something only to destroy it? And why a child? Why a little girl named Emily that I was supposed to love and that was supposed to love me?"

The injustice of it all has reached its boiling point deep within my soil and has begun to erupt. I take out my frustration on the closest thing in reach, which happens to be Mulder. Pounding my fists into his chest, I let the tears fall and slide down my face as I scream.

"Why? Why? Why?" My sobs are like a chant. Mulder takes each blow with an understanding countenance. He accepts the pain with an understanding unique to him. Mulder is my stronghold, my lighthouse, and my safety net. He accepts his responsibility as bearer of my pain.

"I know why, Scully. I think you do, too," he cries over my shouts, grasping me by the shoulders. "Emily is dying here, right now, because she was meant to die. She was never meant to be loved. But you, Scully, her mother, loved her for the innocent child that she was. Its time to accept that this is the best way for her to go. With her mother by her side to comfort her as she moves on. She was meant to die here because she was meant to be loved by you."

My hands slowly relax and I am in his arms now, soaking his shirt with my tears. I know he doesn't mind though. It's a wonderful feeling to be held by him. Just they way I fit into the little curves of his body makes me feel as if I can forget all of my problems and let him protect me from the evil that surrounds us. He gently kisses my forehead and whispers, "Its time to say goodbye," into my hair. I know he's right, but I can't bear to leave you just yet. So he turns to you and bends over your sleeping body. "I would have loved you, too," he says before gently kissing your forehead as well. And then he is gone and I'm left with you.

There are no tears. I have none left to cry. Before you go, please know I love you. And please know that I would have done anything I could have done to save your life. Its time for you to go now, Emily. Don't forget to follow the light. I'll see you again someday. Remember I love you.


Read More Like This Write One Like This
The Empty Cradle
"Emily" missing scenes
The End of Emily Challenge
TNF & Erin Blair's Emily Is Alive Challenge
Return to The Nursery Files home