Title: Never Meant To Be
Author: Lisa
Classification: MSR
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me. They are the
property of Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and 20th
Century Fox.  No infringement intended.

Summary: This is a post-episode story to "Emily."  Their conversation on the couch was not enough for me.  This issue had to be explored further. Since trust is the foundation of their relationship, why did Scully just accept his explanation of I wanted to protect you and not question him any further. Well, this is what would happen if she didn't. If she need more.


Part 1: Anger

Scully closed her hand around her necklace.  She felt the tears welling up in her eyes again.  For the daughter she would never know.  For the daughter that was never meant to be. 

Mulder closed the lid of the small white coffin. He placed his hand on her shoulder.  "Do you need more time?"

"No.  We can leave now."

Scully held the cross tightly as he led her out of the church.

**     

During the drive back to her brother's house they said nothing to each other.  Scully was just looking at her necklace, like it was a rare and precious jewel.  She would occasionally glance out of the window if there was a noise.  However, she was absorbed in her own thoughts of the past couple weeks. 

Mulder couldn't think of anything to say to her.  What could he say to help her? Nothing.  He had no answers to her questions. If he could find them he would.  He would do anything to make these people pay for what they did to Emily and Scully. They arrived at Bill's house.  Scully got out of the car and started walking to the door.  She turned and saw Mulder leaning against the car.  "Are you coming?"

"I think you should be with your family now, besides if your brother gives me one more of his icy stares .."  Mulder started to tell her.

Scully walked over to him.  "I guess you're right."  

"I have some paperwork to finish before going home in the morning."

"You're leaving tomorrow?" she asked.  So soon.

"Yes. Take all the time you need.  Stay with your family longer."  Mulder said searching   her eyes for her to say something, anything.

"No, I'll probably leave tomorrow, too."    

"I'll be at the hotel if you need anything." He said, squeezing her hand.

"OK.  I'll see you back home then."

Scully walked up to the house and her mother was there to let her in.  Mulder waved at her before both women disappeared into the house.


Scully wasn't hungry.  She was sitting at the dinner table trying to muster the energy of eating the sandwich her mom prepared for all of them.  Bill was eating, but only because his wife asked him too.  He wanted to get back to her and his newborn son. 

"Honey, do you want me to make you something else?" Mrs. Scully asked.

"What, no I'm just not in the mood to eat now."

Bill finished and went upstairs.  It was just the two of them.  Her mother pulled out the chair and sat down next to her.

"Dana, is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No." She didn't want to get into this.

"Why didn't you tell me you couldn't have children?"

"I don't know."

"Are you sure?  Sometimes doctors can be wrong."

"Yes, mom I'm sure.  It's not going to happen. Ever."

"Look at what happened with your cancer.  It's gone."

"Mom, this is different.  What they did to me was for some agenda.  I wish I knew why.  Besides, with all the radiation and treatment I've had it wouldn't be a good idea."

"I'm sorry, honey.  For everything that you've been through."

Scully couldn't take this conversation any longer.  She couldn't talk about this now.  "I think I'm going to go up to bed.  I'm tired."

"Ok.  Good night."

"'Night, mom."


Scully just laid there in bed awake.  Thinking about everything that happened the to her since she came to San Diego.  Before she was a mother.  Was she really?  Only for two weeks.

However, she helped and protected Emily.  Isn't that what a mother did for her child?  She should be happy that she knew her daughter existed before she was gone.  In some ways this has felt like a dream with a bad ending.  The hearing was too real.

She remembered all too well Mulder sitting there telling the judge that she can't have children.  Why didn't he say anything before?  She began to cry.  She didn't want to think about this anymore.  She had no more strength left in her.  She used all of it up fighting the cancer and this battle for Emily's continued care.  Sleep finally came along with horrible nightmares:

Don't take my child.  No.  Somebody help me.  Please. 

She's not your daughter.  She doesn't belong to you. 

But I'm her mother.  I have to take care of her.  I will protect her.  Always.

Mulder, please help me.  They took her away.

You can't have children, Scully.  Don't you remember the hearing. 

Yes.  But, she's my child.  Please help me. 

I don't have any answers for you, Scully.  You have to accept it.

No, I don't.  Help me, please.  Mulder don't leave me. Don't leave.  Don't go.  Stay here with me.  Don't go.  Don't go.

Scully awoke with a start.  She was sweating.  She heard a child crying.  It's Emily, she thought.  She rushed downstairs only to find Tara rocking little Matthew in front of the Christmas tree.  She felt the tears run down her cheeks.  No, it wasn't fair.  She has a beautiful new baby and my child just died. No. No. She had to get out of this house now.  She couldn't take it anymore.  Everyone was happy and didn't understand what happened to her.  Mulder.  He knew.  He was hiding something from her just like he already did.  He probably knew the whole story.  She grabbed her coat and slipped her shoes on.  Fishing for the keys in her pocket she saw the address of the hotel Mulder had written down yesterday.  If you need anything.  She needed the truth.

"Dana.  I'm sorry, did Matthew wake you?"  Tara asked.

Scully just looked at her and shut the door.

Tears blurred her vision as she drove to the hotel to get answers.


Part 2: Pain and Pleasure

Mulder awoke to the sound of knocking at his door.  Rapid, constant knocking.  He switched on the light and walked over to the door.  Who would it be at this time of night?  Scully.  It had to be her.  He opened the door and the first thing he saw was the tears that had dried on her face.  Her hair was damp from the light rain that had been falling all day.  She walked in without saying anything and stood in the middle of the room.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Scully asked, trying to maintain her composure.

"I told you - I didn't think this would happen." Mulder said softly.  He came closer to her reaching out to touch her shoulder.

Scully backed away from him. "That's an excuse, Mulder not a reason."

"I don't have any answers for you."

"No, don't say that - anything but that.  I thought our relationship was based on trust and you just violated that by not telling me.  How could you do that to me? Why?" she said, her control slipping with each word that came out.

"Scully, I found out when you were first diagnosed with cancer. I couldn't lay that on you then.  You were going through too much.  I wanted to protect you.  Anyway, you wouldn't have believed me."

"Are we back to this again?  I thought after all we have been through our relationship would have changed.  I'm not the same person who writes field reports for her superiors when I was first assigned to The X Files."

"I know, believe me I'm the last person you have to convince of that statement."

Scully looked at him painfully aware of what he meant by that. "I need to tell you something.  Sit down."

She was hesitant at first, afraid of what he would say to her. However, she needed to know the truth.  She took off her coat not realizing what she was wearing.  "I had to get out of that house."

Mulder wished she would tell him what happened tonight to make her come over here in the middle of the night in her pajamas, no less.

Scully sat on side of the bed.  Mulder sat in front of her searching for a way to say this without upsetting her any further.

"When I was at the nursing home, trying to find out more about Anna Fugazzi and the other residents.  I found a room with the women undergoing their "beauty sleep." That was the name of the procedure that made these women ready for the fetus to be implanted inside them. In that room there was a refrigerator that housed a large container.  I opened it and saw a fetus growing in a jar filled with green liquid.  It moved its legs.

The name on the paperwork matched that of an elderly women who I saw lying on a table undergoing her "treatments."  The paperwork consisted of bloodwork ups and other tests that I didn't understand.  Also, there was another name at the bottom of the page.  It was your name."

Scully was taken back by this. But, she wanted to know more. She needed to know. "What else did the paper say? What kinds of tests did they do on me?  Were these women  having my children?" "I don't know.  I didn't understand what they were doing. However, I am almost positive that that was your child in the container." he said softly.

Scully got off the bed and stood in front of the mirror. She saw a woman whose life had been forever changed on the inside. However, on the outside she looked the same.  "Why would they do this to me? Those bastards.  It was bad enough that I had cancer. At least, I could fight back then.  Now I can't do anything.  I have to live with not knowing the answers.  How am I supposed to accept that?"  How? How?"  She couldn't stop the tears.  She felt sick. She would never get through this.

Mulder came over to her and wrapped his arms around her.  She buried her face in his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist. She felt the tears roll down her cheeks and stain his shirt.  He said something to her, but she didn't hear it.  He started moving with her towards the bed.  She should sit down. Maybe that would make her feel better. She felt the bed behind her legs and sat down. She felt Mulder release her from his arms.  No. No. He was going to leave her.  She clutched at the back of his shirt and tried to pull him closer to her.  Mulder felt her arms around him, pulling him onto the bed with her.  He didn't resist her.  He couldn't.

Scully moved to the middle of the bed making room for him. Mulder kneeled down on the bed and moved closer to her.  She put her arms around his neck because now it was within her reach. She felt him lightly stroking her back.  The tears were still fresh on her cheeks and she heard herself repeating why into his neck.

Mulder pressed his lips against her forehead.  He had never seen her like this before and it scared him.  He moved his lips down to her hairline and before he knew it he was kissing her. He tasted her tears.  His mouth moved to her neck and he felt her shudder beneath his lips.

Scully eased herself down on the bed and pulled him with her. She laced her fingers through his hair needing to touch him.  To feel him this close to her.  She felt her tears dry up and the pain was being replaced by pleasure.  She felt his soft kisses on her cheeks. His mouth on her necklace. She whispered his name.  She told him not to stop. It felt so good.

Mulder knew this couldn't continue. When he heard her breathe his name, he moved off of her.  That was the signal that this was getting out of hand. He would do anything to take her pain away.  But not this.  She was too emotionally fragile now. He sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.   Scully felt him move away from her.  She didn't want him to feel guilty for what he did. "Mulder, it's alright."

"I'm sorry, Scully. I don't know what happened." He stared down at the floor.

"Don't do this to yourself. You were comforting me."

"It was becoming more than that, Scully." Mulder looked at her and saw her face was still flush from his kisses.  He got up off the bed and walked away from her.

Suddenly, Scully felt out of place. She felt like he didn't want her with him and it hurt. He wouldn't even look at her right now. "I should go." Scully grabbed her coat and went for the door. She heard the storm for the first time. It didn't matter, it matched her mood.  She stopped at the sound of his voice.

"Wait.  I don't want you driving in this.  Why don't you stay here and get some rest."  He knew as he was saying those words that it was risky. "I'm going to finish some work up and you can have the bed."

Scully looked at him but couldn't tell what he was feeling. She wanted to believe he was asking her to stay because he wanted her close tonight.  Not out of guilt because of the kisses they shared.  "I am tired and don't really feel like driving." She went over to the bed and crawled in.  It was still warm.  She closed her eyes.

Mulder looked at her lying in the bed. He had to move away before he crawled in there next to her.  He went over to the desk, put his glasses on and opened the file.


Part 3: Resolutions

An hour passed and Mulder found himself listening for her breathing every few minutes.  It was labored, as if sleep was hard for her to come by.  It hurt him to see her this upset and afraid.  She had lost control of her emotions tonight, something that didn't happen often.  No, they both lost control and that was dangerous.  He remembered the way she softly said his name as he kissed her.  No, he shouldn't think about that.  He turned his attention back to the task at hand.

Meanwhile, Scully's nightmares continued:

The room was full of huge jars with fetuses in them.  They were submerged in green fluid. They all read Dana Scully. No. No. Why did they do this?? They were moving in the containers. No one cared. They would die in there without help.  She had to do something. What?

She heard crying.  She ran towards the sound.  It was Emily. She picked the child up and tried to comfort her.  It wasn't working.  Was she in pain? She cradled the child in her arms, holding her tightly.  The crying stopped.  She sat her down on the ground.  Emily curled up and faded away into nothing but ashes.

Scully opened her eyes. It was another nightmare. She began to cry softly and then she remembered where she was. Mulder's hotel room.  She didn't want to wake him up. He was asleep at the desk.  She buried her face in the pillow to muffle her sobs.

It was too late.  Mulder heard her crying and wondered if he should go over there. However, considering what happened tonight he wasn't sure if that would be a good idea. She sounded so distraught.  But, he couldn't let her suffer like this.

Scully felt him sit next to her.  She felt him take her hand and squeeze it gently almost like a caress.  She looked up and could barely make out his features in the early morning light. She didn't need to see him, only needed to feel him close to her.  That was enough to get her through this night. "It was a nightmare about the jars of fetuses you told me about.  They all had my name on them." she explained.  "I wish I had an answer, anything to shed some light on what they could possibly be doing with the children that are created.   However, I'm beginning to realize that I'll never know exactly what happened to me."

"Maybe I should have tried harder to find answers in the nursing home.  Open more drawers or take the paperwork so you could have tried to make some sense of it."

"No.  I don't want you risking your life for me.  Besides, even if we knew it still wouldn't change the fact that I can't have children."

Mulder thought she sounded very calm for someone who fell apart just a few hours ago.  He hoped she really believed those words. They could offer her a place to start healing.

"Mulder, would you come over and lie next to me?"

"Scully, I don't think that ..."

"I just want to feel you close to me."

He couldn't deny her this not after everything that has happened in the past couple of weeks.  He wanted to be close to her as well, but still wasn't sure if he could trust himself and his feelings for her.  Mulder walked over to the other side of the bed and stretched out on top of the covers.  She moved next to him and reached for his hand, squeezing it lightly.  Neither of them spoke for awhile.  They were absorbed in their own thoughts of the past few days.  Finally, Scully broke the silence.

"Tell me you don't feel guilty about what happened tonight."

 "Scully, you were vulnerable and I took advantage of that.  I don't want you to think that I would.. ."

She cut him off.  "Mulder, I don't think that you were taking advantage of me, besides, I wasn't exactly fighting you off.  I liked it."

"Where are we going with this?"

"I don't know.  But, I need to know how you feel about what happened.  Your reasons for kissing me.  Please tell me it was more than just comfort, Mulder."  Her voice was shaky as she uttered those words.

Mulder could almost see the tears in her eyes, despite the dim light in the room.  He didn't want to cause her any unnecessary pain.  He couldn't describe in words what he felt for her. Their relationship had no boundaries.  The personal and professional aspect of it was beginning to intertwine.  He wasn't opposed to it at all.

Mulder sat up and took her hands in his.  "It was more than comfort, Scully.  But, I stopped because I didn't want to do something that you would regret.  I don't want to hurt you. Ever."  He caressed her cheek softly and pressed his lips against her forehead.

"Mulder, you could never hurt me." she whispered.  "You're right.  We need to take this slow and not rush into anything."

Scully moved closer to him and Mulder wrapped his arms around her.  He held her until morning came.  They still had much to talk about but now they admitted to each other how they felt.

It was a start. 

END

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