Title: Letting Go
Author: Jessica
Written: 2002
Rating: PG
Category: MSR Spoiler: Emily
Archive: Wherever...Just let me know where
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX and they are not mine.

Summary: The last hours Scully spent with Emily

Note: The three last lines of this story is from a poem by a English writer. The name I can't remember. English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistake may occur.

I know it's time for me to let go now. I know it's the right thing to do. But still I want to cling to her. Time is slipping away from me. I wish I could take her away from this horrible place. I wish I could take her outside and let her see the stars in the sky. There is so much I want to tell her. There is so much I want to show her. I know that this was never meant to be. But still I cling to this moment. They say she's of my flesh and bone. They say that I'm her mother. They must be right because I love her like a mother.

When I was younger I used to imagine what would it be like having children. To feel it grow below your heart and experience the joy of motherhood. I think that's one of the reasons I became a doctor; to work with children. But call it faith pushed me in another direction. I never gave up on that dream. I just put aside with all of my other dreams. My life has been a long line of scares or at least that what it seems to me sometimes. I'm not one of those who let misery get the upper hand but now I feel so low. My mother use to tell me that God has a reason with everything he does. I used to believe that. But now I don't know? Why give her to me just to take her away a minute later? What's the lesson to learn?

I wish I could understand why. She's my daughter. I never expected to give my heart. I have stopped believing in miracles a long time ago. But now I don't know. Emily, is my miracle.

Now I was going to lose that miracle. I love her.

I'm standing outside her door afraid to go in. Mulder has just left my side. He's worried about me. He wanted to stay with me but I said I needed to be alone. And I do.

I have seen the x-rays and I know the truth. She's dying. My angel is dying and there's is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. I'm not sure if I want to. It would be selfish to cause her more pain just to keep her on this earth. No, I wouldn't do that to her. It wouldn't be right. Some might say that I should stand up and fight for her. But what is there to fight for? She's slipping away from me. She's just a little girl. She should be out playing in the park these days, riding her bike and playing with her friends. But faith gave her this instead. I want to scream out that this isn't right. But I know I have to accept this. I have to believe that there's some reason for all of this and I hope I will get my answer soon.

My hands tremble as I enter her room. She's in a coma now and she has been for a couple of hours. I know she can wake up at any time but I also know that she might never wake up. That's a curse with being a doctor; you know these things. The first thing that meets me when I enter her room is the smell of death. I have smelled it before. I know it by heart. I stand at the doorway a little afraid to enter. Death is the room, lurking in the corner. But the love for her wins over my fear and I move to the bed. I stand by her bedside for a moment watching her, taking in every part of her. I want to etch her face into my memory so I'll never forget her. But I don't think that is possible. I love her and she has my heart.

I have vowed not to cry but I can't help myself as I reach out my hand and brushes her cheek. She's so beautiful. This little miracle of mine. I know I should be praying for her and believe me I have. But I can't. I won't. I have actually started to doubt if there's someone actually listening. Sp I have stopped talking to him. We're no longer speaking. I lay down beside her and take her in my arms. She's so small. I fear that I'm going to break her if I hold her to tight.

But I don't care anymore. These arms need to hold her. As I lay there holding my child I wonder about a line I heard in a song once. "Is this heaven I'm holding in my arms?" I know Emily is my heaven. I know, we have had so little time together. But I do love her. She's a part of me and I have accepted that. Now it's time to let her go. My angel is returning to heaven. My tears mark my face as I rock her in my arms.

The moon sends its hallo by shining in through the window. I can feel death move closer to the bed. It's like a cold wind through the room. I pull her closer while I whisper: - I won't let you take her.

I know it's no use trying and I know I should be stronger. But I can't. I know I said I wouldn't cry but I do. I said a lot of things that I didn't keep. My heart is shattered with the sound of her heart monitor going blank. Her time is up. I have to let her go now. I pull her closer to my heart and whisper my goodbye to my child. I lay there rocking her while the moon keeps me company. My arms won't let go of her and my heart still longs for her. How can I let go of her? I lay there weeping for Emily, for my love, for my heart, for this cruel world.

The stars are not needed anymore, put them all out.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
For now nothing ever can be good again.

The End

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