Title: Letting Go Summary: The last hours Scully spent with Emily Note: The three last lines of this story is from a poem by a English writer. The name I can't remember. English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistake may occur. I know it's time for me to let go now. I know it's the right thing to do. But still I want to cling to her. Time is slipping away from me. I wish I could take her away from this horrible place. I wish I could take her outside and let her see the stars in the sky. There is so much I want to tell her. There is so much I want to show her. I know that this was never meant to be. But still I cling to this moment. They say she's of my flesh and bone. They say that I'm her mother. They must be right because I love her like a mother. When I was younger I used to imagine what would it be like having children. To feel it grow below your heart and experience the joy of motherhood. I think that's one of the reasons I became a doctor; to work with children. But call it faith pushed me in another direction. I never gave up on that dream. I just put aside with all of my other dreams. My life has been a long line of scares or at least that what it seems to me sometimes. I'm not one of those who let misery get the upper hand but now I feel so low. My mother use to tell me that God has a reason with everything he does. I used to believe that. But now I don't know? Why give her to me just to take her away a minute later? What's the lesson to learn? I wish I could understand why. She's my daughter. I never expected to give my heart. I have stopped believing in miracles a long time ago. But now I don't know. Emily, is my miracle. Now I was going to lose that miracle. I love her. I'm standing outside her door afraid to go in. Mulder has just left my side. He's worried about me. He wanted to stay with me but I said I needed to be alone. And I do. I have seen the x-rays and I know the truth. She's dying. My angel is dying and there's is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. I'm not sure if I want to. It would be selfish to cause her more pain just to keep her on this earth. No, I wouldn't do that to her. It wouldn't be right. Some might say that I should stand up and fight for her. But what is there to fight for? She's slipping away from me. She's just a little girl. She should be out playing in the park these days, riding her bike and playing with her friends. But faith gave her this instead. I want to scream out that this isn't right. But I know I have to accept this. I have to believe that there's some reason for all of this and I hope I will get my answer soon. My hands tremble as I enter her room. She's in a coma now and she has been for a couple of hours. I know she can wake up at any time but I also know that she might never wake up. That's a curse with being a doctor; you know these things. The first thing that meets me when I enter her room is the smell of death. I have smelled it before. I know it by heart. I stand at the doorway a little afraid to enter. Death is the room, lurking in the corner. But the love for her wins over my fear and I move to the bed. I stand by her bedside for a moment watching her, taking in every part of her. I want to etch her face into my memory so I'll never forget her. But I don't think that is possible. I love her and she has my heart. I have vowed not to cry but I can't help myself as I reach out my hand and brushes her cheek. She's so beautiful. This little miracle of mine. I know I should be praying for her and believe me I have. But I can't. I won't. I have actually started to doubt if there's someone actually listening. Sp I have stopped talking to him. We're no longer speaking. I lay down beside her and take her in my arms. She's so small. I fear that I'm going to break her if I hold her to tight. But I don't care anymore. These arms need to hold her. As I lay there holding my child I wonder about a line I heard in a song once. "Is this heaven I'm holding in my arms?" I know Emily is my heaven. I know, we have had so little time together. But I do love her. She's a part of me and I have accepted that. Now it's time to let her go. My angel is returning to heaven. My tears mark my face as I rock her in my arms. The moon sends its hallo by shining in through the window. I can feel death move closer to the bed. It's like a cold wind through the room. I pull her closer while I whisper: - I won't let you take her. I know it's no use trying and I know I should be stronger. But I can't. I know I said I wouldn't cry but I do. I said a lot of things that I didn't keep. My heart is shattered with the sound of her heart monitor going blank. Her time is up. I have to let her go now. I pull her closer to my heart and whisper my goodbye to my child. I lay there rocking her while the moon keeps me company. My arms won't let go of her and my heart still longs for her. How can I let go of her? I lay there weeping for Emily, for my love, for my heart, for this cruel world. The stars are not needed anymore, put them all out. The End
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