Title: A Mother's Thoughts
Author: Sheryl N
Author's Page: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/3284/
Category: X-Files
Written: 04/19/1999
Words: 535
Rating: G
Please Archive... grin...
Disclaimer: All Characters copyright of TenThirteen Productions and Chris Carter. No infringement intended on any part... go ahead, take me to court...I'm using the insanity defence... heh, heh, heh...
Spoilers: Emily, Christmas Carol, All Souls...
A Mother's Thoughts G, Vignette..

Summary: A Scully thinks about Emily...

Note: This is a kinda religous-based piece; and since I'm a ELC (extremely lapsed Catholic) I'll beg forgiveness in advance for any blunders in that area - but it'll probably be the least of my sins... chuckle...


I sit in the darkness and try to understand.

But I don't know if I can. Or if I want to.

I have lost so much - and I still don't know why.

Why Melissa, why my husband Bill... and why almost Dana, not once but twice.

And Emily.

Whatever the mystery behind her existence, she was still my grandchild - maybe the one I'll miss the most.

But no matter how much I talk to the priest; how many candles I light and prayers I say for all of them, I still don't understand why.

Specifically, why me. Why Dana. Why Fox.

I see Dana coping with Emily's loss and for perhaps one of the first times in our lives we understand each other. Only a mother can understand the tearing, the aching of burying a child before you yourself has passed away. The questioning and the fear that somehow you'll be held accountable to God for betraying His trust in letting the child die. That somehow, somewhere you didn't do something you should have. That ominous guilt.

It hurts.

God, it hurts.

Dana tells me that she's dealing with it; that she's fine. But I see it in her eyes, and I see it in Fox's as well.

The pain. The sense of failure; that something could have or should have been done and wasn't.

I see the hurt and the fear in his eyes, the thought that this could have been his child; that in a way it was because he believes himself responsible for Dana's abduction.

So they mourn in their own way; both of them. As do I for their lost innocence; their shared pain without any of the pleasure. Together but apart but ever together, the two of them.

But she was a child of God, and that's what gives me strength. I think the same of Melissa, and pray that Dana and Fox think the same way.

But I doubt it.

Fox isn't much of a believer. And Dana, so newly returned to her faith still feels the confusion of the loss and how her God could do this to her. To them. To those around them who love them and feel their pain and share their confusion at the way God works.

Faith.

Sometimes you think it's not enough. Sometimes you hope it is.

Sometimes you just try not to think about it at all.

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