Title: All I Want for Christmas Is You
Rating: PG
Relationship: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Published: 2006-10-08 Words: 787

Summary: Title borrowed from Mariah Carey's song. Scully muses during winter of Mulder's disappearance, 2001

December 23, 2001

I wonder, Mulder, as I sit here gazing out my window, if you ever pause and just take a look around you. I wonder if one day everything can go back to normal, whatever normal may be. I suppose not, Mulder. We know too much, don't we? We searched and searched for the truth and we still haven't found it, but it scares me. I can't even begin to tell you how frightened I am without you by my side. I though I could handle it – I really did – but now that I have little William to think of as well…. I just don't know. I know I can never look at the stars the same way, that much is certain. They no longer hold any mystery for me like they did when I was a child. I guess ignorance truly is bliss.

It's almost Christmastime, Mulder. Can you believe it? I can't. The days just seem to fly by, but then I'm told that's what it's like when you have a child. Every day seems to blend in with the next and then it's the end of the week, the end of the month, and next thing I know, we're sitting around the Thanksgiving table, but I can't think of anything to give thanks for, not when you're so far away from your son and from me. I think he misses you, Mulder. You would laugh to hear me of all people say that, but I really think it is true. I think he knows you are not here to take care of his mama like you should, even when I say I can take care of myself. I need you, as much as I hate to admit it. Skinner's been so kind to me, and Monica and Dogget are truly wonderful people, but… God, Mulder, I need you so badly it hurts. You are almost literally my other half, and without you I feel so naked, exposed.

I'm sorry, Mulder; I keep trying to think about the positive side of things, but it gets so hard sometimes. The night sky just seems to remind me of you so much. But anyway, where was I? Christmas. The decorations are beautiful, and I just know we're going to have a wonderful time, for all that you're not here. It's chilly here by the window, but I don't mind; it's kind of refreshing. We have our tree all set up, and I have William's "Baby's First Christmas" ornament placed directly in the front so that everyone who comes in sees it, not to mention the picture with Santa. Oh, you should see all the presents stuffed under the tree! And that's not even counting what will come from "Santa" either. But it seems everyone has to buy the baby something for his First Christmas, I suppose. My mom went overboard, of course; she must have gotten William at least half a dozen presents and a few for me besides. Poor boy, I think he's going to grow up spoiled rotten if I let Mom too close to him too often. But Mulder, you just wouldn't believe this if I told you: Skinner showed up this afternoon with a box at least half my size, all wrapped up, for William, and an envelope for me as well. I'm just dyig to see what that man could possibly have gotten. It's so hard to believe we ever thought him untrustworthy, isn't it? I don't know where I'd be today without him.

The Gunmen came over the other day, too. Bearing gifts, of course, like everyone else who has come into my house lately. I made some joke about them being the three wise men. Langley corrected my, claiming they were the three wise-ass men, and they had only brought a rattle, a bib, and a stuffed dog, not gold, incense, and myrrh. And an offer to take me out for dinner from Frohike, of course. Whatever my first impression of them Mulder, I take it all back. I'd be lost without them and their predictability. No matter what happens, I can count on Langley to be sarcastic, on Frohike to be so good to me, and on Byers to be that glorious voice of reason. I pray that nothing ever happens to them.

Well, my love, it is starting to get very cold here, and my eyes feel so very heavy. William keeps me awake half the night, so every minute of sleep is precious to me. Wherever you are, if you're even still alive, I hope you are taking care of yourself and are thinking of me. Return to me soon, darling. I love you.

The End

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