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Title: Recollections Summary: Mulder's return from his abduction stirs up new emotions and old memories Scully "Mulder," I whispered, not trusting my own voice, "is it really you?" He nodded, also choosing not to speak. Instead he pulled my head up with his chin, and kissed me, right in front of everyone. It was so soft, gentle, and I no longer had any difficulty believing that this was my FBI partner of seven years. Knowing that, I put my arms around him and sobbed silently, for the five months he missed of my pregnancy, for the pain he must have gone through on the ship, for my own abduction, which almost killed our child, and everything that we have been through for the last eight years, both apart and together. Finally noting my appearance, Mulder pushes me away gently and looks at my swollen abdomen. "Scully," He says, voice wobbly, "how, you're, you're pregnant, oh my God, a baby, you're gonna be a mother." I take both of his hands in mine, and give a weak smile through my tears. "And you're going to be a father." He hugs me tight, holding me as if he'll never let go, and he is crying, uninhibited, never trying to hide his tears. "I thought you were dead, that I would never see you again, I would be alone..." I started to babble, not believing he was really there, that he was alive. "I thought I would die, and, and... we'll talk about it later, ok?" he said quietly, and I nodded. He and I finally noticed the other people in the room, trying not to be seen snooping in the dark hospital room. I saw Skinner, the Lone Gunmen, and my mother, with flowers in hand, at the door. So I wiped my eyes and composed myself. "Hello..." I said, blushing. "We didn't want to interrupt," my mother said, stepping in. She always knows how to say the right thing. "It's ok, come on in..." Mulder said confidently. We still sat together on the bed, holding hands, but after so many months apart, that didn't seem to matter. "How are you feeling Mulder?" Skinner said, shocked that we are sitting so close, holding hands, right in front of everyone. "I've been better, but all thing considered, I'm doing pretty good." He looks at me, but I can't look back, I'm still crying. "Have you heard the news Mulder?" Frohike asks slyly. Everyone looks at me, implying that he was talking about my pregnancy, so I place a hand on my stomach protectively. Mulder grins. "Yeah, the subject came up pretty quickly." "So tell us Agent Scully, who is the father? Mulder's here now, we all need- want, to know." Everyone looks at me expectantly, Mulder curiously, and I laugh. Unfortunately, no one else gets the joke, and I was forced to answer the question. "It's Mulder's! I can't believe any of you would believe otherwise!" "So it wasn't a immaculate conception or anything like that?" Langley jokes. "Nope, it was conceived!" Mulder blurts out. I blush and so does Mulder as he realizes what he's said as everybody laughs. "Well at least we know he doesn't have amnesia!" Skinner joked. "O.k, we know it's bad when Skinner can riff on us Mulder!" I said nudging him playfully. And by now everyone was howling with laughter, when my mom- the woman who I just said always knows how to say the right thing- said the wrong thing. "And are you two going to raise the baby together?" Everyone went silent. "Mother, Mulder's only know for five minutes, tops, he doesn't have to make a decision right away." "Scully," Mulder whispered in my ear, "You know I'll do the right thing, don't you, I won't ever leave you." "I know Mulder, we'll talk about it later," I murmured. Mulder So about an hour later, Scully and I were left alone again in the hospital room. I missed her so much, all I could think about for that whole hour was hugging her, kissing her, and talking to her. I wanted to know everything about our unborn child, about how she's managed to keep this miracle, everything I'd missed. As soon as everyone left I kissed her, softly, lingering, as if this one kiss can rectify EVERYTHING that's ever gone wrong with us. Then she looks at me and we don't say anything. We don't really ever have to say anything, by-bystander think it's because we're the strong and silent type, but that's not it at all. We just listen to the surroundings, and we don't need to say things, we understand each other. There's so much that we know, that no one else knows. And it's worth all the lies, and secretiveness, it's almost worth cutting off everyone around us. So what if no one knows all the times we've made-out in the FBI hallways, or held hands under the desks, or held each other on park benches near the Potomac. No one needs to know, it's our little secret. For four years it was purely physical. We would be out in the field, and run from the depressing prisons and morgues, from all the death and sadness, and we would neck in the car, and kiss before going to our prospective rooms. It was like we were in a 50's sitcom, we were like an old married couple, but we never went past first base. Except for once, I got to second. Afterwards I was grinning for a week. It was simple, fun, like we were two different people when we kissed, and then the minute we entered an office, we were stone-faced professionals. But then I started to love her. I always had in a way, but it got so much more intense. I couldn't keep going back and forth, I couldn't kiss her, then not feel or show anything later on. I thought about her all the time, and she became the only person I could ever imagine myself with. I was in love. As I said, our 'physical, fancy-free' relationship lasted four years, more or less. But then one day she stopped at my door-step, and said that she was leaving me. I wondered how she could not know that she was my everything. But obviously she didn't know so I told her. I blurted out everything, how she couldn't leave, that she meant everything to me, and I was nothing without her. She was stunned I suppose, she had no idea, which is still a wonder to me. She was stung by a bee then, and I had to rescue her. It was a pretty hard time for me, but I would do it over a thousand times over for her. After all the problems with Gibson Praise, and Diana Fowley, things just weren't the same. She wouldn't look at me the same. I kept on thinking she had lost respect for me, and for a year I would wake up every morning thinking "this will be the day that she leaves me. But a year passed and she was still there. We were still together, even if we didn't have the X- files. And I still loved her. And looking back on it now, she still loved me in a way. But it was just too hard at that time to do anything about it. It took a big-ass spaceship and Diana Fowley's death to bring us together again. She stopped at my apartment one day, telling me that my ex-wife was dead, and she comforted me. We were on much better terms after that, smiling more often, joking more. Once again, tragedy had brought us closer. Our first kiss in two years was on New Years Eve of 2000. As kisses go, it wasn't a ten on the Richter scale, but I was overjoyed- yes, I, Fox Mulder has used the rarely uttered vocabulary word 'overjoyed'- that things could be all right with us again. If it was possible, I loved her more that night then I ever had before. This is what I like to remember the most about our relationship. The first time we made love, yes, I suppose I could call it that... was after the case of the Amazing Maleeni. She did a magic trick that for some reason turned me on so much.. I followed her out the door, pushed her against a brick wall- no I couldn't even wait to get to the car- and I kissed her, I suppose, like people kiss in movies. I kissed her once, twice, ah hell, I don't know how many times, and she didn't object at all. We used our 'stone faced communication' and both got in the car and drove to the hotel. Skinner got mad us in the morning because we wouldn't pick up our phones- cell or regular- till the morning. We were busy. Once again, we had a physical relationship, only it was far more physical then the last. However we kept completely quiet about everything, NO ONE knew for a fact that we were anything but completely platonic partners. Still, everyone in the Hoover building had bets going about us- were we sleeping together or not? One guy even bet $500.00 that we were sleeping together. No one was willing to bet more than $25 dollars that we weren't! Everything would have been perfect, only I was having the same problem as last time. I was completely, head-first crazy in love with her. But I kept quiet until one night when we rented movies, after I had gotten three wishes from a genie. We talked all night long, about everything that had happened since the day we had met. And I learned, straight from her own lips, that she loved me, and I felt like a dolt for not knowing that. We both realized how much time we had wasted, with pride and bad communication, and fear. It was a relief to finally know everything, to no longer fear that she was going to leave me. When we went back to Oregon, I pretty much suffered a mental breakdown. Knowing Scully was at risk just about killed me. So soon after clearing things up with her, I led her astray again, telling her to leave me as soon as possible. But she knew me too well for that, and stayed by the whole time, until I was abducted... "Mulder?" Scully murmurs, bringing me from my thoughts. "You're back now, so stay on earth, quit zoning out." I love it when Scully gives a weak attempt at humor, especially when it's semi- funny. "Sorry.." I reply. Scully I couldn't say anything to him at first. For so long, I'd be talking to him, and realize I was just talking to a wall, literally. I have to hold his hand to realize he's really there. I looked at him, and I couldn't look away. He was spacing out, he does that a lot, it's actually part of his charm. It makes him so transparent, you look at his face when he zoning out, and you know what he's thinking. Some people can't discern the looks on his face, but I can. And I knew for a long time that he loved me. I just didn't want to believe that someone I loved and thought about so much loved me too. Because I couldn't take it if I was wrong. I remember the first time was slept together too. Mulder doesn't like to remember it, he says it doesn't count because things were so traumatic, and we were just try to forget about our problems for a little while. I guess in a way, he was right, but that doesn't mean we should forget about it. Nevertheless, I think he's pushed it out of his mind, and I just can't forget. Me and Mulder had had a slightly physical relationship, with kissing, hugging, innocent things like that. Then one day, someone put pictures on my desk of him, with another woman, from when I was abducted and gone. It shouldn't have bothered me, but it wouldn't leave me, it just seethed and got worse and worse. I couldn't look at him the same, I couldn't talk to him anymore. And so late one Friday night, I drove to his apartment, and entered his living room without knocking or giving any sign that I was there. Mulder was in a tee shirt and sweatpants, watching some stupid Jim Carrey movie, Cable Guy, I think. He looked up, slightly surprised, waiting for me to say something. I walked in front of the tv, leaned down so we were face to face, and asked in an uneven voice, "Was Kristen Kilar good in bed?" And there, I'd said it. Mulder turned off the tv, and rubbed his temples. He was completely calm. "Scully, what is this all about?" He asked, ignoring the question. "Mulder, I want to know." He sighed at my reply. "Under the circumstances, considering what was happening, she was ok." I didn't reply. "Why? Are you mad or something? Scully, it just happened, I missed you so much, I wasn't thinking straight the whole time you were gone!" "Mulder, I'm not mad..." "Then why are you here?" I grimaced, and hoped his rudeness was caused by lack of sleep. "I just want to know how you could sleep with her, but you don't want to sleep with me?" It was silent for a minute or two. "Is this what this is all about? Are you saying you want to sleep with me?" "I don't know... I don't know what I want." Mulder looked confused and sympathetic at the same time. "Scully, it just happened. I was there, and you were gone, and I needed something to get my mind off of... off of everything." I sat and thought about what he has said. "Then I need something to get my mind off this," I held up the pictures. "Go clear off your bed." "Scully..." "Mulder," I interrupted, "if you don't find me attractive that way, then I'll go find someone else, but this is your chance. Either way, I'm having sex tonight." "Ok, Scully, fine lets go..." "Do you have a condom?" He nodded. I lean over and kiss him up and down his neck, then kiss his mouth, slipping my tongue in his mouth. I feel his erection press against me. "Well, I see you're ready," I teased. "Scully," He gasped, "are you sure about this?" "Oh yes. Treat me like you treated Kristen Kilar." "I can't, you mean too much to me for that. Kristen didn't mean anything to me. And you do." I just looked at him, and he sighed, discouraged. So we went to the bedroom, where we discarded our clothes, and did the usual, wild foreplay, and I was feeling fine, great, when I realized, 'he's not seeing me, he's thinking of Kristen, this is what he did with Kristen..' He had finally entered me, and was kissing my neck, when I cried out "NO!" and pushed him away. "What, Scully.. Scully what is it?" He sat up and scrambled for the blanket, as I lay pressed against him and crying worse then I ever had in front of him. He put his arms around me, holding me as I cried, not knowing what to say. "I know, I know that you've slept with women since you've known me Mulder, but when I SAW the photos, I couldn't take it Mulder, I couldn't..." "I know..." "No, you don't know Mulder. It made me feel like I was inferior, that we could never be like that... and I was only someone for you to kiss goodnight. And then to know that THIS is the kind of person you turn to when you're.. I couldn't deal with that." Mulder didn't look me in the eye, but I knew he was listening to what I was saying, so I kept going. "But when we were together just now, I knew that this wasn't right either. That was a lie. And now, I'm just not sure, what to do now, where we stand." "Scully, you are, you're everything to me, you are my best friend, you're MORE than my best friend Scully. But we work together, we're partners, and though I find you incredibly attractive, are we really, really ready for this?" I couldn't say anything. I felt immature and foolish. "You're right. I have to go, I'll see you tomorrow Mulder.." I dressed quickly and rushed out the door before he could say good bye. The next day, he went on vacation, and I went to Philadelphia, where I had a quick fling with Edward Jerse. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. It was a while before things went back to normal. And I never tried something like that again. So I'm glad Mulder's forgotten about that, but I can't. Me and Mulder had such a weird relationship for a long time, but we finally had something going right, we finally understood each other.. but when we went to Oregon, and Mulder was taken, our relationship was odd again. Now, he's back though, everything will be ok again. It has to be. Skinner I've known Mulder and Scully a long time now. I've watched them together many times, but nothing puts me in awe like this. I've been spying on them for the last five minutes, and I know that's not right, but as their boss, I'll justify it somehow. They're sitting across from each other, holding hands. They haven't said anything for awhile now, Mulder's looking away, lost in thought. Scully's nonchalantly staring at him, also thinking about something, not saying a word. Suddenly, Mulder looks over at her, and their eyes lock. I see slight tears in his eyes. Scully senses this, and gently lays a hand on his cheek. "Everything's going to be ok now Mulder, I promise." He nods. "What happened to you?" She asks. He shakes his head. "I don't remember. I just remember getting lifted onto the ship, thinking 'I'm not coming back'. And I would hear strange voices, and feel dull pain, it was awful, and then I was dropped, along with the others. And here I am." "And you're back." She whispers. "What happened while I was gone?" "Everything," She smiles ironically. Mulder looks puzzled. "I was taken Mulder.." "WHAT?" He gets angry, she looks grim. "I fell asleep at your apartment one night, while you were gone, when I was kidnapped. Taken to another railroad car where no one could find me, I was tested on, for almost two months." Mulder puts his arms around her and rocks her gently as she finishes the story. "When they found out I was pregnant, they decided to do tests on me. Those bastards knew I was barren, so they thought the baby was alien, or something." "Is it?" "No, it's yours. And when they found that out, the experimenters got angry. They tried to kill the baby. But they didn't succeed, they just beat me up really bad." "Scully... I'm sorry, I should have been there for you. Can I?" He places a hand gently on her abdomen. She nods. "Of course." He lets go of her, so he can place both hands on her stomach. She places her hands over his. "Our baby," he says in awe, when the baby moves. "Our baby," she echoes. "This is what you've wanted Scully, the life you've been waiting for." She nods. "And we'll be together," she replies. He looks apprehensive. "Right?" She looks scared. "If you want me," he murmurs in response. Once again, they sit, just holding hands, looking away and thinking. Finally, Mulder grabs her, pulls her close, and kisses the top of her head, sniffing her hair. "Scully, I love you, I love you so much." Scully sighs. "Yeah, I know. I love you too." "Marry me?" "Of course." He pushes her head up and kisses her forehead gently, then her nose, and she latches her lips to his as they share a sweet silent kiss. Then she places her head against his shoulder, and looks content. He looks down at his arms, which are around her once again. It's such a beautiful scene. "Skinner, do you mind?" Scully says, surprising me. Mulder gives me a look like he's going to kill me if I don't get out of there soon. So I turn around and as I leave, I close the door behind me. They have a lot of problems to get through, but obviously, they're going to get through it alone, as they always have. Carrying everything for themselves. But at least they have each other, and their unborn child.
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