Title: Perdere Il Vostro Sogno
Author: little Starbuck*
Written: April 2001
Rating: PG-13
Category: MSR, pregnancy
Disclaimer: Not Mine (yeah, I wish)
Spoilers: Anything leading up to this very moment (possibly end of season). Distribution: I would be happy to share, please keep my name on it. (I would really love to see this up at the haven:)

Summary: Scully experiences problems with the pregnancy. Mulder POV.

Title translation: "Perdere Il Vostro Sogno" translates literally to "To Lose Your Dream," this phrase being the theme of my fic. The language is Italian.

7:46 PM
Memorial Hospital ER

I'm retracing my steps... trying to remember how we got here. Thinking about how it happened so quickly. That scream will always be in my head. Even if only in the deepest abyss of my memory, I'll always hear it... everyday. And, the image of you falling to the floor. You.. lying there holding your stomach... I'm so afraid, Scully.

What can I do? What should I do to help? I'm sorry I left the room. I just couldn't stand to hear you scream. They won't let me back in now.

You cry out! My heart leaps inside my chest. Tears that once were only held secret in my heart now appear on my face. The only other time these same tears have seen the world was when I lost Samantha. God, Scully, I don't want to loose you. I hear a doctor yelling now. What's he saying? What's wrong?!? I pace up and down the dark hallway. I glance at the ceiling, at the floor... why did this have to happen? Why am I so afraid?

Minutes pass... more screaming, pain, agony. I can't just stand here and hope for the best! I need to talk to someone... why won't they tell me what's wrong? A doctor opens the door. I attempt to get back inside but he holds me back, he's taller, stronger. I don't give up, though.

"What happened to her?" I stare at the door. There is no more screaming.

"Sir, you can't go in yet!" He holds me still with his large hands. He looks into my worried eyes, something is wrong. Something went terribly wrong.

"What happened." I say slowly as if trying to talk to a young child.

"Sir, I know you are-" I interrupt harshly, yelling at the man.

"Is she okay?!?" I shake free of his strong grip.

"She will be, in time. What I mean is, this will take time to recover from. Sir... she's lost the baby." His words are so clear, so true. My heart stops. I cannot breath. I stagger backwards a bit. No. No.

9:19 PM
Memorial Hospital

I step quietly inside the room. Standing next to you... sleeping. I am so sorry. I sit down and take your hand. Your eyes flicker and slowly open. They are red and on the brink of tears. Mine are as well.

"Mulder?" you say weakly.

"Yeah. I'm here, Scully. How do you feel?" I ask, my voice bordering a whisper.

"Numb. I- I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel." You sigh as your hand shakes. I don't care if you cry in front of me. You should cry. You've lost your dream, your hope.

"Scully, I'm so... so sorry." Warm tears tickle my cheeks as they fall from my face.

"It was a girl... they said it would have been a girl. I would have named it Melissa or... Samantha." You the hide sorrow present on your face with your free hand.

"It's okay... she would have been so lucky... to have you for her mother." I brush my other hand through your hair. I can almost feel your pain just by touching you.

"I thought those names would be good... because our sisters were robbed of their lives, this child wouldn't have to worry about that. I would have protected her..." You tremble. You are crying so much now, you cannot talk. I lean over and hug you. You sit up and return my sympathetic embrace. Your voice is muffled in my shoulder but I can hear you...

"What did I do wrong... to deserve this? I needed that baby, Mulder. You know?" You ask. I truly have no answer. If there is a God, why would he do this to you?

"You didn't do anything wrong, Scully. Believe me, you did everything perfectly. Something in your fate got messed up, because you are the last person on earth that deserves this!" I pull back and look into your glossy eyes. How can you smile through all of your tears, through all that has happened?

"At least I had her for awhile, right?" I cup your face with my hands as you speak.

"You still do... you still have the idea, the spirit. Scully, you won't loose that. You were meant to be a mother. Nothing, not even loosing this child, can change that." I wipe away your never-ending tears with my thumbs.

You lay back down on the bed and scoot your self to the other half allowing room for me. I lay beside your robbed body, facing you. You close your eyes. I wait a moment and soon do the same.

Two Weeks Later
5:24 PM, Scully's Apartment

I knock lightly on the door. I can hear your footsteps as you approach and get on your tip-toes to peak trough the peep hole. I lean towards it and smile. I know you're smiling back. You unlock and open the door.

"Hey Mulder!" You say.

"Buona sera!" I try my hand at Italian in reference to your incredible cooking.

"You wanna eat something?" You giggle and let me in.

"Sure smells good, Scully." I step in and take off my coat.

I sit down at the table as you fix me a plate of spaghetti. I inhale the sweet aroma and try to forget about what I came here to tell you.

"Why'd you come?" You ask while chewing your food.

"Um... no reason really." I continue with my dinner.

"Oh. C'mon Mulder, you think I can't see through that?" You put your fork down and look straight into my face. You know me all to well, Scully.

"I was kind of hoping to tell you later." I twirl a loose strand of pasta around my fork while trying to avoid your persuasive glare.

"Tell me now." You sit back in your chair as if threatening not to eat until I talk.

"Scully, I don't think you want to hear this right now." I, too, put down my fork.

"What? Is it bad?" You ask.

"I know you'll have trouble realizing it and you don't want to hear it now but... Scully, that baby wasn't meant to be born." I say gently.

"No, you said that before to make me feel better. I'm fine now... I hadn't even thought of it yet today." You go on eating.

"Scully, I just got the medical tests back. That baby was.. perfect." I tell you.

"No, see, you said that two weeks ago, too. What are you doing Mulder? Trying to bring up bad feelings or what?" You drop your fork again.

"No, Scully. Not one thing was found wrong with the baby. Nothing. Not even a crooked tooth. The doctors said they had never seen anything like it." You won't look at me. Your face is hidden with your beautiful red hair.

"Why are you telling me this?" You bring your face up... covered with tears.

"I... your child would have been too perfect. Do you see what I'm saying, Scully? There is no such thing as the perfect human... that's why this baby wasn't born." I stand up and join you on your side of the table, kneeling down next to you.

"And you expect me to accept that as the reason I can't have children?" Your tone is an angry one. I don't mean to hurt you.

"No. Scully, what I'm saying is, this isn't your fault. Not in the slightest. Like I said, you are meant to be a mother... but, this child wasn't meant to be!" I place my hand over yours but you pull away. You stand up and leave the room shouting to me as you exit...

"That same thing was said about Emily! Why don't you go away?!?" I can hear you sob from the next room.

"It had alien DNA, Scully. This baby had a substantial amount of alien DNA found everywhere in it's body!" I follow you into your bed room. I find you face down on the couch.

"Oh, SHUT UP! I don't want to hear this shit from you anymore. You can't know how I feel! And, you can't make me feel any different." You turn to face me. I can now see the affliction in your eyes, the pain the I am causing.

"I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel like this is your fault. I was just trying to make it easier." I sit beside your shivering body. I put my arm around you, gently, and affectionately.

"I guess I haven't let it all out yet. I guess I still don't understand it." You manage through gasps.

"Maybe you don't really want to. You can't just let it go like you say you have. It's not something that just goes away." My words seem to help, but not heal. You lean into me, your tears soaking through my gray tee-shirt. I hold you close. I hope you understand it wasn't your fault. That doctor was right, this will take time.

"I know." You whisper. I'll stay with you here as long as it takes. I promise.

I hope maybe someday you'll try again. I know that dreams are countless and you've only lost one. You can't give up on a miracle, I've said that before, just as you can't lose all of your dreams. And someday, one will come true.


Author's Notes: I'm not sure why I wanted to write such a discouraging and morbid story but I hope all of you dark, passionate readers liked it. Feedback, weather it be positive or (gulp) negative, will be very much appreciated. Thank you for reading.

If you liked this story, try some of my others (@ Ephemeral):

Part Of The Dream
My Heaven
Darling, If I Die...
For Dreams To Come True

Read More Like This Write One Like This
The Empty Cradle
Pregnant Scully
The Empty Cradle
Pregnancy/Baby/Kidfic plot Generator
Return to The Nursery Files home