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Title: Nothing Real Happened Today Summary: Just the ramblings of a children's nurse on sick leave, partly inspired by the end scene of existence but equally by spoilers for season nine. As a medical student and junior doctor daylight had always seemed to bring relief. Relief that the longest part of the night was over. It brought with it the sudden rejuvenating energy that accompanies that first blush of daylight through the windows. It seemed that the light shared the joy of its observers at its own arrival as it enthusiastically spilled through the windows, over the floor and illuminated all the places where monsters may lurk in the darkness. It brought also the relief that that sickest patients were there to see another day, their conditions stabilized by the light, which lifts away the uncertainty of the darkest night-time hours. This dawning though brought with it no relief. It brought only more light to shed on the problems they had faced the day before, and the day before that. It brought fatigue. It brought the certainty that there were many longer days, and nights, ahead. She held the sweet smelling newborn close to her as he protested at his early awakening. The gesture was more for her comfort than his, she needed to feel the gentle warmth which emanated from his tiny body, a miracle in her living room. She shushed him gently as his protests intensified. She did not want to disturb the sleeping form who lay in her bed, she knew that his awakening would bring revelations she was not ready to face. He had returned and she was sure she was going to lose him again, but this was by his own action and decision which made the loss harder to take. During his abduction she could rage at the injustice of him being taken away, but whom could she rage at this time? Herself, for being too stubborn to leave with him? Mulder himself, for wishing to protect her and their son? Lost in her thoughts she did not hear his approach and was startled to find him regarding her from the sofa. "Uh... sorry, I, uh, didn't ... I was trying not to disturb you." The words floundered out of her, she suddenly felt awkward. She rested her head against the baby's already weary of the argument they were about to have, and had been having for the last few days. He raised his eyebrows at her, "Looks like this young man has other ideas, he obviously takes after his mother for being energetic in the mornings." She blushed at the memory he was alluding to, but was immediately irritated with him for attempting to make light of their situation when there was so much they had to decide. She sighed, "Mulder..." He reached out and took the baby from her arms, "Scully," he addressed her seriously, "how many more times are we going to discuss this?" She turned away from him, she couldn't face him and admit that she may never see him again, "I can't believe you really want to turn your back on everything." "Not everything, not us. We can't have a life here, we can't live like this." He tentatively reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. She lent into it but refused to turn back toward him, "You said you wanted to find out who did this to you, so you could prevent it happening to someone else." "I was wrong, we'll never find out, all we can do is distance ourselves from all of this. You said it yourself, you can't live like the subject of some unending X-File, that's what it will be like if we stay. Is that what you want?" "We have spent so long and lost so much, to give up now would just be wasting all that. If what we've found so far is true we wouldn't be safe anywhere, how can you just live with that, accept whatever these men have planned?" She continued t o fix her stare on the counter in front of her, wishing she could face him to lend some conviction to her words. She meant them, but knew she was unable to follow through the intention if that meant he would leave. He sighed and she felt him move a step closer to her, "Don't you see, despite all time we've given and everything we've both sacrificed we are no further forward and we never will be. I told you when William was born a waned to make sure you were both safe and I couldn't do that here, that's still true. So long as either of us are working on the X-Files he'll never be safe." She angrily stepped away from him, "How dare you! Don't you dare try to use our son against me, our son who you refused to acknowledge until you actually held him in your arms. That's how much faith you had." In anger she found the courage to turn and face him, but the heat of her argument evaporated at the sight of him cradling William. "I'm sorry," he adjusted the position of the squirming infant in his arms and lowered his voice a tone, "I don't want to leave you but I can't stay." "I can't leave, I can't live with the uncertainty of never knowing when they might be coming, never truly knowing what we've been sacrificing for all these years." With all her anger evaporated she felt she was begging, her tone was softer as if trying to coax him down from a delusional height. She knew though there was no delusion this time, he was perfectly sane, they had reached an empass, they were both too stubborn and there could be no halfway. "You can't know where I go." His words weighted her down and she sat down heavily. "When you first came back you wanted to go to the ends of the earth to find out who was behind it, what's changed?" He eased himself down beside her and gently ran his hand over the head of the sleeping infant he held in his lap, "Everything. The X-Files, the FBI, this unending quest, it's not a life, it's just existence. I want to live and not wonder what's falling from the sky, or where the next bullet if coming from. I'm tired of all this." Silence fell upon them and they let it rest there long enough to become discomforting, "Aren't you? Aren't you tired of all this? This wasn't even your 'quest' to begin with." She shook her head, "But it's become mine," she reached over and took William from his arms, "maybe more than yours, you have the answers you wanted, about your sister, your father and I helped you find them. Can't you do the same for me?" She'd never asked him for anything, yet somehow she knew this first and final request was one that was not destined to be granted. He shook his head, "Before my disappearance you were ready to listen to me and let this go. I can't stay and watch you loose more and more when we both know there can be nothing real in return." She stood to return the sleeping form of their child into the crib at the bottom of their, her, bed. What she saw there made her stop in her tracks. He had already packed his bags, anticipating that he would be going alone. He had never been willing to give her a chance to convince him to stay. With the baby tucked in safely she felt unwilling to return to the sofa, knowing that it would bring the beginning of his leaving. That choice though was taken from her as she heard his soft footfall behind her. "I have to leave, today," he said softly. He placed a hand gently on her back, but she shrugged it away. Not in anger but in pain. Her chest ached just at the thought of loosing him again, she felt that if he left she would be engulfed by it for certain this time, as it had threatened so many times before. She sat staring into the middle distance, faintly listening to the sounds of him changing and readying himself to leave. She was suddenly aware that her apartment was silent, save for the gentle breathing of the baby whom still lay sleeping in the bassinet. She was unsure if he had gently kissed her good bye or if her mind had fabricated the final sweet kiss she seemed to remember. She rose and walked to the door to see her tiny son. Looking around there was no evidence that anyone besides her had ever been here. She felt she had dreamt that morning with Mulder. Perhaps it was the kind delusion of a tortured mind, still awaiting her lover's return. Was it too hopeful to believe that nothing that was real had happened today?
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