|
Title: Never Coming Back/Never Going to Go Away Summary: Mulder returns to Scully after 17 months of absence. Scully is struggling with raising a baby and keeping her sanity. Park bench, 2:30 pm "You're beautiful, Katie," I whisper to my daughter, sitting on the park bench where Mulder and I used to sit. As if sitting here would bring him back to me. Someone taps me on the shoulder. I do not look up. "I love you, munchkin," I murmur, picking her out of the stroller and into my arms. I hold her. As if holding her brings me closer to him. She's his daughter, not him. 'But she reminds you of him,' I tell myself. I ignore that voice. I do not want to hear it. Someone taps me on the shoulder agian. I still ignore it. I do not want to talk to anyone except my perfect daughter. The only thing I have left in the world. I have quit the FBI, it's work and lies a tedious cycle which I no longer crave, but dread. Entering that basement office day after day would only cause to bring me pain, a pain I knew would never go away. The man with whom I'd worked for seven years, the only reason I remained a part of the Bureau, was gone, and I would probably never see him again. I sigh. "What's your baby's name?" someone asks me. A male voice. Oddly familiar, but I can't place it, having not heard it in a long time. Time. Time can change perception. Look at what seven years of Mulder has done to my beliefs. Time. Time is only a slow killer which eats at all of us. Time. "What's your baby's name?" the voice asks me again. I sigh again. I answer only because it would be rude not to. I don't look up. "Katharine Renee," I answer softly, barely audible. "That's a beautiful name," the man says. I smile inwardly. Outwardly, however, I remain expressionless. I know what my face looks like now. It has looked the same for almost five months. Blank. Pale. Devoid of expression. I have lost myself over time. That word again. Time. "How old is she?" Why does this person insist on bothering me? I answer again, just to be polite. "Eight months tomorrow." "She's beautiful, Scully," the man replies. How does he know me? I look up at him for the first time, and there he is. "Mulder?" I whisper. I hold Katie to my chest. It's not *really* Mulder, I tell myself. It just looks like him. Mulder's never coming back. Mulder's never coming back. A litany. I would tell myself this every day. Trying to make myself accept it. Trying to end my pain. He is gone forever. He is not returning. Mulder's never coming back. And I'd begun to accept it. "Mulder?" I ask again. "Is it really you?" It can't be him. "It's me, Scully. The one and only," he answers, smiling. I need only see the dimple in his cheek to know it really *is* him. Mulder came back. He wasn't supposed to. I'd gotten used to not seeing him, to not hearing his voice. I put Katie back in her stroller, and slowly draw myself to a standing position. Why is he here now? "Why?" I croak. The only word my lips will speak. I can not accept him back into my life now. Now that I had given up on him. He is gone. Mulder is gone. Mulder's never coming back. He doesn't answer. 'Why' is a question that will never be answered, for either of us. He moves to embrace me. I draw away. I do not want to touch him. I don't want him to be real. He is not supposed to be here. It's not him. Mulder's gone. Mulder's never coming back. "Scully," he says, like he's hurt. I hear the questioning in his voice, asking me why I am pushing him away. "No," I say. Like a child. "Get away." I can tell I have hurt him, and it feels good. Not really good, since nothing really feels good anymore, but good. He looks at me, questioning; confused. "Mulder, you are not here," I say to him. His brow furrows. "You are gone. You are not coming back. Mulder is never coming back. Mulder is never coming back." "Scully," he says, reaching for me, to comfort me. "Mulder, no!" Katie wakes up, and begins to cry. I reach for her, but Mulder already has scooped her up in his arms. "Mulder, no. Give her to me. Mulder..." I trail off only when I realize that Mulder is good with her. She has stopped crying without the use of a bottle or her pacifier. I am speechless. "Scully," he starts, then stops. He pats my, *our* daughter lightly on the back a couple of times, then hands her back to me. She looks at her with her big hazel eyes. The eyes she got from him. Those eyes. They tell me something I should have known. "Scully," he begins again, "She needs her daddy." I look at him then, into his eyes. He knows. How? How does he know all of this? "No," I say. Denying. I don't want Mulder to be back. He can't be real. This is a dream, and I'm going to wake up crying and wishing he would come back for real. This is not happening. Mulder's not here. Mulder's never coming back. "Scully, If I'm her father, then I have a right to see her, you know," he says gently. "See?" I ask. Childish. I can't help it. I can't let him get close to her. Or to me. Again. He's not really here to stay. He's going to leave again and never come back. Mulder's never coming back. "I'm not leaving again," he says. As if he's reading my thoughts. He always could. "I don't trust you," I answer. The look on his face changes to that of utter dismay, horror, and pain. I have stabbed him, hard, in the heart. "Scully," he whispers, hoarsely. He looks at me with the pain so evident in those eyes, as if they had flooded him. I still do not show him emotion. I am like stone. He looks at me. I do not move. He turns to leave. This time, I fear, for good. (He was never here, to begin with. It was all in your head.) He begins to walk away. (He was just a hologram, anyway. Not real. Not real not real not real.) He continues to walk. Further. My feet start to move toward him, on their own. (STOP! STOP STOP STOP! IT'S NOT REALLY HIM? WHAT ARE YOU D0ING?") I feel my mind pulling me back, but my feet running forward. I reach him. My body ignores my mind and does the right thing. My hand pulls him by the shoulder. Turns him around. He looks at me. He is crying. "Mulder, I'm sorry," I hear myself say. (No, you're not.) "I didn't mean it." (Yes, you did.) "I want you to be here for her." "Do you?" he asks then. (No.) "Yes." What am I saying? Why are my lips ignoring me? Has some demon invaded my body? I do not want this false hope. That he has come back. Mulder hasn't come back. Mulder's never coming back. He hugs me and Katie. Kisses Katie on the forehead. (No, no! Stop it! Don't do that! What do you think you're doing?) "Scully," he says. Content. "Let's go." One Week Later Mulder is back. (He's never coming back) Mulder and I are living together in my apartment, with our (my) daughter Katie. He is happy. I am not. I love him. I really do. But I can't accept in my heart that he's really here. I can't believe he's not going to go away again. (Mulder's never coming back.) I still don't trust him. This is what he doesn't see. Mulder sees Dana Katharine Scully, happy woman with child and boyfriend, or whatever, living in her contemporary D.C. apartment. Mulder sees marriage potential. Mulder sees nothing but happy sunshine. But it is too late for me. My sunshine days are gone. That Same Day The door opens, and in he walks. I smile blankly. Let him think I'm happy to see him. I'm not. He's not real. I'm just protecting myself from losing him again. This is a fairy tale. I'll be better off not getting attached when he leaves again. He's never coming back. He and I will never be together again. Not for real. He went away. And he never came back. Not really. He may have come back in body, but he is not really back. Not the way he was. We are not as we were. Mulder's never coming back. Not that way. It will never be how we wanted it to be. We are not the same Mulder and Scully. "Hi, Scully," he says, and leans down to kiss me on the cheek. When he turns around, I wipe my cheek with the back of my hand. "Heya, Katie!" he says, and tickles Katie's toes. Katie. I love her so much. Mulder. I loved him once. The old Mulder. The Mulder that didn't desert me for almost two years. The Mulder that didn't leave me pregnant to fare for myself. The Mulder that didn't drive me insane. It's too late for my happiness. "Mulder," I begin, and he turns around. He is smiling. He loves me. He loves Katie. I share only the love of our Katie. (She's more mine than his, anyway. He wasn't there for you when she was born, he missed eight months of her life. She's not really his.) I am standing in the kitchen, by the silverware drawer. "Mulder, I know you're going to argue with me," I continue. He stares at me. I open the drawer. "But I have to be honest with you-" I fiddle around with my left hand. "-I'm not happy." He jumps a little, like I'd scared him. I find what I'm looking for. "I can't accept what's happened anymore." He starts to cry, and a small tear runs down his face. I lift it out of the drawer. "Katie is my life." He wipes the tear. I place it by my side. I don't think he sees. "You've taken over my life." He starts to move closer to me. I motion with my right hand for him to stay put. "I told myself for almost two years that you were not coming back to me. 'Mulder's never coming back.' I told myself that every day. I told Katie, too, though I doubt she'd understand. I began to believe it, Mulder, and I knew that even if you did come back I would never be able to accept it and be happy." He starts to move again. I motion to him not to move. "I spent almost two years of my life without you. Too long. It's too late for me I pause "I thought a lot about time. What time does to us. Time. Such a funny concept, is time. They say it heals. It didn't. Time. It ruined me. All that time we weren't together, time killed. Time is a slow killer of us all, but faster for some than others. Time killed my spirit, Mulder. Time killed my happiness. My drive. My ambition. My heart." I pause again, and draw up the knife to my throat. Mulder gasps. "I loved you, Mulder. I really did." "Scully," he begins, but I don't listen. "Time ruined everything I ever had." "I love you, Scully," he pleads. "I know, Mulder. But I don't love you anymore. I can't love anymore. I can't. Time...time killed that." "Scully...please," he begs. "Mulder, no," I answer. I begin to cry. The first tears since he'd left me almost two years ago. "Scully, we can get through this, please...I can't live without you, you *know* that," he entreats. "Mulder, no. I don't love you anymore." "Scully...please, don't do it-" "Scully..." he croaks. "Time killed my heart..." The knife is still at my throat. I look at it in my hand. (Do it) I take it down. (What are you doing? DO IT!) I put it away. Mulder runs toward me. The sounds of the world rush back to me now. Katie is beginning to whimper. He embraces me. I hold him tightly, never wanting to let him go. "Why didn't you just tell me, Scully?" he asks. "I couldn't," I state, and it's just right. "I couldn't." "I love you, Scully. You don't know how much." "I know, Mulder. I...I'm confused. I don't know what I feel anymore." "Okay, Scully." "Mulder?" I ask. "Yeah?" He pulls away, and looks at me. "Promise me you'll never leave? Please?" (Mulder's never coming back.) "Scully, I am never, ever, EVER going to go away," he answers emphatically. I cry. I didn't know I could cry anymore. Yet I have cried twice today. Maybe time really didn't kill my heart. (Yes it did) Time didn't kill my heart. I killed it myself. Epilogue It's been a while. Months. Mulder is still here. (Mulder's never going to go away.) He's never going to go away. The End okay, it was a happy ending.....I didn't really want it to be, but that's just how it ended up. I just couldn't help it, really....but it's not like life is perfectly hunkey-dorey for them.....maybe I'll write a sequel....
|