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Title: Memories Summary: A pregnant Scully rethinks about the last 7 years. Author's notes: I wanted to write down my theories about their relationship. So, this came out. There are very few memories on their first years and lots of it on the last two years. I'm sure I forgot several important moments. Feedback: please send me feedback, anything. Flames, critics, compliments, small talk, anything. I'm sitting in my old rock chair. My mom's old rock chair. She used to nurse us here. Bill, Charlie, Melissa and me. All I remember is when I was 4and mom asked me to help her to take it to the attic. She asked the Gunmen to bring it to my apartment. I never imagined. I told her last month. She opened this huge smile. The she stared at my neck, at my missing cross and she started to cry. She is talking constantly with the Gunmen and Skinner. She thinks I don't know, but I do. She is checking on me. She used to do it with Melissa. She used to call Missy's boyfriends' mothers and ask them if Melissa was there, if she was ok.. But she never did it with me. Not until now. She can't fool me. She never could. And I can't fool her either. We're so close that we can see in each other's eyes. That's why when I have a problem and I have no idea how to solve it, I don't tell her. Not until I have some kind of solution. I am rocking in this chair. Alone. Only me and my baby. The baby is growing inside me. Mulder's baby. Mulder would love to see Frohike's face when he asked if Mulder was the father. He started to babble. He couldn't speak. I felt sorry for him. Sometimes he can seem like a 4-year-old. I put my hand over my abdomen. I'm starting to show. My clothes are starting to need little adjustments. My favorite pant is now used unbuttoned. I don't care. I button the jacket and nobody notices it. I want... no, I crave for Mulder's return. I need it. I need him. I can't take much longer. I tap lightly my stomach. "You'll be ok. You'll be ok," I whisper as a mantra. The first trimester is over. He or she is ok. Perfect. My last week amniocentesis revealed a perfect 3 and a half months baby. I didn't want to know the sex. I'm being kept on the high-risk classification only because of the exceptional circumstances of the conceiving Not 'the' conceiving, that was great, I talk about my infertility. My alleged infertility caused me so much pain. So much suffering because of the thought of my incapability of giving birth. I'm a doctor. I know how hard is for people who are classified as infertile or almost infertile. How hard they try for a small chance. For the smallest possibility. And I got pregnant by accident. A simple accident. The thought of a consortium plan passed trough my mind, but I know this is Mulder's child. If they manipulated his or hers conceiving I don't know, but this mine and Mulder's DNA. This is a Ubbermulder or a Ubberscully. I know it. I don't know how to explain it, but I know it. Has it been 7 years since I entered that basement? Since my life begun? Since I had the first equal to equal argument, with someone who maybe didn't agree, but listened? I close my eyes and I can see the picture. I am wearing an awful suit. The colors were horrible. Now I find them terrible, but in that time I used it to impress Blevins. I enter the office and Mulder looks at me. I imagine how smart he was. And how stupid he could become. I look at those glasses. He initiates the conversation. When I know it, we are arguing about science and extraterrestrial life. I think about finishing it for a second, after all he was the head of section.. But I never give up a fight. I don't care if it's the United States president. He just says that we're heading to Oregon. The thought of Oregon gives me Goosebumps, but I keep with my thought. The memory of Mulder s too good. I look at him, sleeping in the airplane. I thought Then we talked in the car and I saw what he did to earn his nickname. Painting a X in a road was a spooky thing. Definitely. Then we kept debating about many things. I saw he would treat me as a partner, not as a simple obstacle and a occasional back up. Or maybe some fresh meat from Academy. I admit I was pretty innocent in that time.. But I was maturer than most people were, I could handle more than most people do too. But not more than Mulder. And he made sure I was aware of that. I came that night frightened to ask him to check my backs. I was so relieved to know that it was only mosquito bites. I was completely frightened about the whole case. I though for a moment about changing my beliefs.. But I didn't. I couldn't. It was too much for me. Two believers don't work well together. Look at Mulder and Diana. It ends sometime. Our different belief was a way to keep going. To argue all the time was a new experience. We learn from it and we grow up with it. We finished that case and several others came. We allowed ourselves to call each other only as Mulder and Scully and forget the agent thing. Many FBI teams, after years working together, still call each other as agent. It was a forward step. We learnt how to trust each other. We learnt how to work well together. When to ask for the other's help. Ok, the last one took a little longer, but it was mostly my fault. We started to solve case after case, our solving rates went sky raising. And then, they shuttled down the X- Files and they separated us.. But we didn't give up. We couldn't. It was already part of our lives. So we found a way to work together. And also to see each other constantly. Each other's presence meant a lot. We had already slept together once. It was after a FBI ball and we were drunk. Both of us started dancing really together and we left the party together. Unfortunately, I don't have many memories of that night. My mind was drowning in alcohol.. But I remember the feeling of him entering me. The sensation of fulfillment. We didn't even kiss. We just had sex. Simple and plain sex. When I woke up he had left. I was alone in my couch, the dress ruined, my legs were aching and my head was about to explode.. But I felt good. A strange feeling, but a good feeling. We never mentioned it again. And the touches begin to become more constants. I am terrified of relationships. Not like other people. I have a real phobia. I can't think of seriously committing myself with someone. I feel the horror rising in front of me if I think about it. So, mindless sex seemed the solution. I would keep two separated relationships with Mulder. But before we could be together again I was taken. And then it was too much painful. Because I didn't want to destroy the most important relationship with Mulder. The real relationship, not the one that was an escape. Things finally returned to normal. As normal as they could be for us.. But after Pfaster I was feeling too bad. I needed something to feel better. After a week I went to his apartment. I have clear memories of that time. The feeling of his leather couch on my backs as he pushed into me. I kept asking him to push harder, faster. His mouth closing over my nipple. The pain caused by the bite he gave to my shoulder as he emptied himself in the condom inside me. Until then I had no idea I couldn't get pregnant. I remember the feeling of the carpet against my hands and knees and he pumped against me, one hand caressing me where we were joined. We spent more than 8 hours having sex. He finally fell exhausted in his couch. I gathered my clothes and left while he was asleep. We hadn't kissed. He came 3 times and we hadn't even kissed. Then there was New Mexico. Missy's death and his father's. He was supposed to be dead too.. But I knew he wasn't. And I realized I couldn't live without him.. But instead of bringing us together as a couple, in a sexual way, it only sent us to opposite sides. I knew I couldn't live without him, so I simply preserved our primer relationship, and I ignored the other. My jealous got to the extreme. I was never a jealousy person. In college, my boyfriends used to talk to girls and I wouldn't care. Ok, my three boyfriends. And there was Daniel. He was already married, so I couldn't feel jealous. I thought about spending my life with him. About living with him and waking up by his side.. But I couldn't. I could never see myself as one of these women that get married before they reach their goals and they simply give up on them. I couldn't. He tried to convince me, but I couldn't. I can't feel like I'm not in control. I only like to lose control in bed... But Mulder can't know that. He would love to know that. I stop the memories. I have tears forming in my eyes. I close my eyes and let them roll sown my cheek, over the corner of my mouth and on my stomach. It's too much.. But thinking of Mulder is what is keeping me going. It's what makes me get out of bed and go to the J. Edgar Hoover and face everyone just to expect some lead. Is what makes me take my prenatal vitamins and keep them in my stomach. Morning sickness is over, but my fear isn't. And I fear for him. Sometimes the fear is so much that I throw up. I can't eat. I can't leave my bed. All I do is think of what he would say. How he would look at me. And my strength returns. I almost feel his arms wrapping around me. I close my eyes and I doze off for a second. When I wake up I find the strength to go to the bathroom and keep going. I continue with my memories. I was thinking about my jealousy. I remember Dr. Bambi and Det. White. I was craving for his touch.. But I wouldn't give up. Then there was Modell. And I got afraid.. But I didn't know what I feared. I didn't know if I wanted him to die without telling me he loved me, or if I wanted him to say it. If he didn't, I'd die in the inside. Not having the memory of the words leaving his lips and reaching my eardrums.. But if he did, I was afraid of the consequences. I was terrified. After my abduction we still had found out so little about the whole conspiracy. I started to feel frustrated. I thought about giving up.. But I couldn't bring myself to it. My other relationship with Mulder, the primer one, was ok. A little shaken, but ok. He needed me. Not sexually, at least not mainly, but he needed me. He needed a partner, a friend. Then Queequeg died. Mulder kept making jokes, but I was really sad. in the next weekend he appeared at my door apologizing. We went to a cafe near my place to talk. I told him that I was hurt. He apologized and he tried to remain quiet about Queequeg and he'd stop with the jokes. We started talking about futile things. Small talk. About old puppies and pets, about his constant renewed fishes, about everything and nothing. When we were returning to my place, it started to rain. It was heavy rain and his car wouldn't start. I invited him to my place and I went to the bathroom to take a shower. When I saw, Mulder was in the box with me, spreading liquid shower over my skin. I got on my knees and I took his hard cock in my mouth. I did a good job, because he couldn't stop moaning. He stopped me suddenly and lifted me. I put my legs around him and he entered me. I sank my teeth on his shoulder. My scream muffled by his skin. I came hard with the tiles against my back. I felt him filling me. The panic hit me. We hadn't used a condom. I remembered that we had just received our blood test results. I opened his tests myself, along with mine.. But I was afraid I could have gotten pregnant. My periods since abduction were crazy. I needed constantly of hormones.. But they changed me too much. I stopped taking them and my period wouldn't visit me for three months. Or I spent three weeks, with bad cramps. I hadn't gotten pregnant, but years later I would come to wish I had. I lost myself in my thoughts while I cleaned myself and when I left the shower, Mulder was gone. Our job kept going. We never let it interfere with it. His mother suffered the stroke, we kept moving. Nothing different happened. I was afraid again of the commitment after the Ephesian case. I was in pain that he had found a woman who was important for him in the past.. But I was mostly afraid of things changing. Then he went to Russia and I felt like New Mexico. I couldn't live without him. I would sacrifice myself for him. I would die for him. I let our primer relationship take a step forward. I enjoyed the feel of his arms around me.. But then, I denied our sexual relationship again. And we got to the point that the tension was too much. He was a SOB when he sent e to Philadelphia. I really wanted to shoot him. I tried to move on with my life. Even though I didn't have a free-Mulder life, I tried it.. But I couldn't. There is no life without Mulder. I got my tattoo. I went to Jerse's apartment. I got naked and so did him. And then, I couldn't. He noticed something wrong and tried to talk to me. I couldn't tell him I wouldn't sleep with him because the person I wanted to sleep with was in a spiritual journey. So he slept on the couch and I slept on the bed. I cursed Mulder so much that night. I return to the present and I see that I'm smiling. The thought of me cursing Mulder, at least something normal. I freeze the memories in my mind. I don't know if it's because I remember him, or if it's because the next memories are too sad. I brush my hand in the back of my neck. Then I brush it on my stomach. I hope it doesn't affect the baby. This rocking chair is really comfortable. I just keep feeling the rocking motion and it's relaxing. I imagine myself nursing our child here.. But I'm afraid. What if they do something to he or she? I redirect my mind to the past. Because the past is painful, but it's a defeated enemy. And the future it's an unknown enemy. I prefer the defeated one. I remember calling Mulder. "There is got to be something, some treatment," he was desperate. As much as I was. He had no idea how to feel, what to do. Me neither. He had hope. And he shared it with me. Then, a hope became dust. Dr. Scanlon was one of Them. I felt myself dying already. And he held me in a hospital hallway and refilled my hopes and expectations. He tried to act natural from then on. He tried to be a good boy. He even remembered my birthday. We didn't have any sexual contact. Not one. And I didn't miss it. Of course I liked sex with Mulder. It's just that we shared such an intimacy on our primer relationship that I simply didn't miss it. We called each other in the middle of the night to talk about nothing. Sometimes we talked about our lives. About my cancer even.. But usually it was small talk. Something to do when I couldn't sleep. Then the Eddie Vanbloundht came to my apartment. I thought it was Mulder. I was a little afraid, but I tried not to show it. He was so intimate. I couldn't define which relationship he was acting on. I thought about kissing him. It would be our first kiss. We had had sex, but we had never shared the contact of our lips. When the real Mulder entered my apartment I was confused. Then afraid. Then angry. We just kept with the primer relationship. Forgot the other. My cancer was eating me alive and we couldn't bring ourselves to it. Then it came the worst. My deathbed. He was so careful. He suffered too. He showed me his love. Not his desire, his love. Small touches. Little words. Attention. And he saved me. He found the cure. He said he would do it and he did. He showed me how important I was for him. So I got better. I came back to him. We worked together. Really together. We became intimate. Not sexually, personally. We packed each other's bag. We started to keep toothbrushes in the other apartment. I just felt like I had a friend. A special friend who had proved he would do anything for me. The sexual relationship was abandoned. Completely. The intimate touches became a new game. The looks became weapons. We started to see each other as friends outside the Bureau. Not like a date, but like settling a day and hour to jog together. Helping each other in home improvement. I even talked about my cancer in Florida when we were in that forest. Ok, it wasn't a huge revelation, but it meant a lot to us. Then came Emily. I confused him. I called him close and pushed him away. I wasn't ready. I couldn't deal with him as a friend, I couldn't deal with him as just a partner. I couldn't decide. He understood. Well, he tried. Modell returned. He wanted to talk and I backed away. I was passing though too much. My mind was so confused. I took some time off.. But we couldn't be apart. He mockingly asked me to marry him. I had fun hanging up on him. I wanted some time off of him, but I realized that all I wanted was to call him and listen his voice. But then I started a fight with myself. I was divided. Part of me wanted him to give me some personal space, but the other part wanted him as close as possible. Fights and arguing brought a sense of normalcy between us. The vampire case, even though they certainly weren't vampires, was a manifestation of this. He was jealous, anyone could see.. But he didn't admitted. He pushed me to the sheriff and then he looked at me with those eyes. Cassandra came. Everything changed again. We were attracted and pushed away form each other. We came close to the truth, but we were pushed several steps backwards. In consequence, we stayed apart for awhile. Not phone calls, not Saturday evenings jogs, nothing. Just work. I saw a case related to my religion, we solved a blind woman case. We were so apart I didn't notice when he was called for an uncover assignment. If we were as before, talking, he would have never hid it from me. He wouldn't be able.. But I went to his apartment. We talked. And it helped. I took care of his finger and we let the unspoken words float until the other heard.. But things weren't as before. Not even close. But I believed him. I believed us. And he told me I was his one in five billion. Six billion now. Things seemed to start to get back on track. Our relationship was going forward. The sexual relationship forgotten. Then Diana came in the picture. And I saw my world falling apart. I saw the Consortium try to kill a young life. A special life. Gibson. I will never forget him. Everything was over. They shut down The X-Files. Summer came. Diana wasn't mentioned, but she wasn't forgotten. The memory of Gibson makes me return to present. The fear for my child. The fear that he or she has something special and they will want to take him or her away from me. I rub my stomach. Suddenly my nausea is back. I keep rubbing it and rocking in the chair. The room is completely dark. A car passing on the street lights up the walls for a second and it's gone. I check on my watch. 3:02 am. When I sat here was afternoon. I resent myself for spending a few hours without looking for Mulder. I could have been looking at some newspapers and trying to find some clues, some leads. But I can't leave the comfort of this chair. The fear is gone along with the nausea. I keep rocking. Forward, backward, forward, backward. I am tired.. But Mulder's face appears in my mind and I forget about sleep. They wanted to separate us. We saw more than we should. They tried to blame us for their dirty work. For their cover up that could have killed hundreds of kids in that building in Dallas. If Mulder hadn't discovered that bomb, it would be Hell. Several deaths, orphans and parents without their children. So many lives were saved.. But they didn't care. They just wanted someone to blame. Someone to take the guilt for the deaths they caused. They tried to split us up. Tried to send me to Utah.. But I wouldn't go. And Mulder was going to make sure that I wouldn't leave him. I remember his words. "You made me a whole person. I owe everything, you owe me nothing." I remember the feeling of his hands on my neck. Of my lips on his forehead. I remember the peace and the anxiousness inside me. We had the brief touch of our lips, his breath on my face. Then everything went dark. I couldn't feel anything but pain. He held me. He tried to stay with me.. But then, I can't remember anything but waking up in Antarctic, wearing only slacks, I was cold, he carried me. He helped me to walk. He supported me. He took us out of that 'thing', whatever you want to call it. We managed to leave that Hell. If you asked me then I would say that Hell was freezing. We were walking in the way that would bring us together.. But Diana came back in the picture. He hurt me so much for trusting her. For ditching me to go with her. They gave our life work to Diana and Spender and Mulder believed she would help us. Of course she wouldn't, any blind could se that.. But not Mulder. I could have give up on the ridiculous task FBI had give us and go to medicine. Ask a transfer to Quantico.. But I stayed with him. I knew he needed me. We investigated some cases. Some X-Files that shouldn't be investigated by us, but by the person Mulder wanted to trust. And why didn't she investigate them? They were X-Files. I walked beside him, but with a distance. Afraid that he would hurt me even more.. But he ditched me for a ship hunting in Bermuda Triangle. I wanted to find him. To save him. And then kill him for being so stupid. But you can't shoot someone after they say the words 'I love you', can you? My plans to kill him after he recovered were forgotten.. But I couldn't take for serious a drugged Mulder declaration. All I could do was walk away and expect for it to happen again. He helped me to install my new stereo, he called me for a brunch in a cafe near his place. Then he convinced me to go to New Mexico. Area 51. I couldn't deny it to him. I couldn't deny it to myself. I missed The X-Files. I missed using my science for some purpose. That was a strange trip. It was strange even for Mulder. We looked at each other awkwardly the week after. I don't know if it was because I had accepted to go with him to the site or if it was because something else changed. The phone calls continued. He ditched me to look at some case about a miscarriage and demons.. But he didn't do it like before. It was different. When we returned we called each other every night. Then there was that awful case about the weatherman. Part of me just wanted to die. The other part wanted to solve the case and know what Mulder was telling Holman. And there was the third part that was plainly happy. How can we do that? How can we talk about our feelings, discuss them and nothing changes? The same happened in that haunted house.. But something changed. I gave up getting early to the family gathering, choosing to get there in the morning when they would be opening the gifts, all just to spend some extra hours with Mulder. Ok, I didn't have any option. Listen to Bill criticize me or spend some hours with my... whatever he was. Partner, friend, my one in five billion too. I faced death. And he cared for me. Not that I ever doubted that, but it's always good to see it. Unfortunately, I had to almost die to see his concern. Again, at night, alone in the motel I called him about the case, about my partner, we were in the phone for two and a half hours. My cell phone bill was difficult to pay that month. He helped me in my healing. He made sure I was following the doctor's prescriptions. I couldn't take his proximity for much longer. Then we had to help Skinner. We didn't call each other for a week. He was never in the work. If I needed to talk to him, I would only find him in the basketball court. Cassandra returned and we tried to help her. We were together but at the same time we were million light years apart. Diana came back. She put us in Quarantine to take us off her way and he didn't trust me. He ignored all my scientific knowledge about quarantines and CDC and left without me. He didn't believe the facts I showed him about Diana. They weren't concrete, but he would have killed another person if I showed him the same evidences. We had to face the threats of the Consortium again, we had to fight again. I think he notice that together we were stronger, but I wasn't sure. I was sure he realized that in the Florida case. The water being case. When Arthur dales told him that I was important for Mulder, that Mulder should see this. But the friendship was inert. We didn't move an inch. We regained The X-Files, we came back to our work.. But we didn't call each other, we didn't talk on the long hour drives and airplane trips. Posing as a couple gave Mulder every chance to throw innuendoes at me, to tease me. We hadn't had sex for at least three years. All I wanted was to throw myself on top of him and really be a couple, enjoy a honeymoon.. But somehow we... actually I managed to behave. I ignored him. At least I tried to. It wasn't easy. We closed the case and returned to D.C. We restarted the jogs, also sometimes we just walked together by the park, watching the river, or we sat on a bench eating ice cream or hot dogs and said nothing. Nothing needed to be said. There was that 'thing' on the bank. I can't define it. It was a strange feeling. All I know is that it didn't changed much. At least I don't think so. All I know is that since then I started to look all around a bank and keep my gun at my reach. What changed something. Was that dogs/wolves case. So, I wasn't the only person Mulder used to talk. Actually what bothered me was that I wasn't the only woman Mulder talked. Because I know he talks with the Gunmen and I don't care. I didn't know much, all I knew was that I was jealous. Really. Not as much as Diana or Phoebe, but I was jealous. After we came back, he was sad for a couple days. We stayed till late one Friday night to fill up the paperwork and he gave me a lift because my car was on the shop. He went to my place to help me... I don't even remember the excuse, all I know is that we entered and soon he was over me. He put his arms around me from the back and he kissed my neck. His hands worked unbuttoning my jacket and blouse. His arms left me and soon we were both naked. He sat me on my kitchen counter and entered me. He kept thrusting in and out. We came together, and I held in the counter to not scream as I came. He came inside me, but this time I didn't even care about the condom. He took us to the bedroom and for my surprise he laid there with me. We both fell asleep and when I woke up at 4:06 am we were cuddling. His arms were around me, his right arms around my waist and his left arm had found its way under my neck and my hand was locked with his, our fingers intertwined. When I woke up in Saturday, there was a note beside my bed. He wasn't there. I looked around the room and picked up the note. 's. We're not ready yet. Soon. M.' And I waited. First I cried. I imagine how could we have sex, sleep cuddling and not kiss. I kissed him everywhere, except where I most wanted. I continued my Saturday as usual.. But he didn't call me. I knew we needed some time alone. He didn't call Sunday either. We took some time off of ourselves. We had that prisoner case. Nothing changed. We came back and everything seemed still. I wanted him to call or find the courage to call him myself, but I couldn't. the fear was too much. What if it didn't work? Then everything seemed to happen in such a short space of time. His neighbor and all I can remember are his arms around me as I cried. I vaguely remember Vegas.. But I remember he started to call me. Small talk, work, anything. I went to his apartment when he got a new computer. We talked at night in the Internet. Any kind of contact was good. It felt normal to be together on our time off. Not all the time and not as before, but we were relaxed. My next coherent memory is the memory of us playing baseball. The feel of his hands around my hip. His erection pressing against my bottom. The blood in my brain was lacking. The fun. I perfectly remember the night. We made lo... no we didn't, we again didn't kiss. We had sex in his car. Or mine, I don't remember, they both have backseats. We looked like teenagers. Then we went to our apartments. Separately. I can't remember if that fungus case was before or after, but that made a huge mess with my thoughts and they are still messed up. The phone calls stopped again.. But we didn't have time to restore them again. He got sick and I went to Africa to try to find a way to save him. To save his mind. I left him here, alone.. But I couldn't stay here. It was too much, I couldn't stand here, watching him fall apart and not be able to do anything to help. I found out so much.. But I just wanted a cure. I just wanted to help him. How the life started on earth, the answer science searches so much, meant nothing close to a cure for him. I came back. And they took him away from me. They showed him a normal life. He told me everything. They brought back Samantha. They gave him children and a wife. They gave him a house and Deep Throat. They definitely didn't give him me. They made sure I wasn't in the picture. In his perfect life. I was desperate trying to save him and they were opening his head and leaving him to death. But I found him. I found him and everything was ok again. He was ok, he was alive. I went to his apartment to tell him about Diana's death. And we almost kissed. Almost. I wanted to, but I don't think he was ready. I left his apartment in the speed of light to not regret later. He wasn't ready. And for the first time I wasn't afraid. Not a tiny doubt. So we gave ourselves some time apart. I called him every night to check on him. He sounded ok and we talked about nothing. Sometimes I just listened until his breath became regular and the phone hit the floor. He liked to fall asleep knowing I was there. He said that pushed the nightmares away. We went to California to deal with that disgusting case. Thinking about someone eating brains was gross. Even for a pathologist. So we just dealt with it and came back. The phone calls were constant and sometimes we even called each other twice a day. Mostly on Sundays. I escaped my family's gathering to find a spare bedroom and call Mulder. Bill spent a month here and every Sunday I had lunch with him and mom. He went back to San Diego with mom for Christmas and I had to go along. I spent the holidays calling Mulder. My cell phone bill again. We never mentioned the holidays, we just made it like any day. We didn't even wish each other a Merry Christmas. We just talked about old cases, how his one- thousandth fish had died. On Christmas Eve he talked about Samantha, on Christmas night I talked about Melissa. One night Bill caught me on the attic, sitting on a child chair, laughing at some joke Mulder made. I finished the call and got downstairs. He tried to reprehend me, but I stopped him. I said it was my life and he had nothing to do with it. "But Dana, how many times have you almost died to protect him, because of him, because of your work?" "Bill, it's more than work. It's always been more than that, more than you can understand," he tried to speak again, but I left him alone and went to look at some Melissa's photos. I remembered Emily and I got my cell phone and called Mulder in front of Bill. We started to talk about Emily and soon Bill left me alone. As soon as I returned to DC I went to meet Mulder on the millennium group case. The entire world was crazy about the end of the world and the beginning if the new millennium. Even though it isn't the new millennium yet. Mulder talked to me closer, he would bent his head and I would feel his breath against mine while we discussed something, or I would see his ear almost touch my lips when he was only listening. Then I had to save Mulder's ass again. He managed to break his arm on New Year's Eve. We watched the countdown together. I felt my stomach turn like it had butterflies. And suddenly his lips were on mine. The brief touch sending signals to my head, column, heart and of course, my center. And then it was over. The world hadn't ended. No, it had only begun. And I felt the tiniest fear returning to me. I let him hold me close, but tried to walk away. When we got to the car he gave up and said nothing. We got to the motel and each one went to one room, quiet. I couldn't sleep. I paced around the room. I tried to change my line of thought. I tried to think about everything but the feel of his lips against mine.. But I couldn't. It was too powerful. So, I went to his room. It was 4 am. I knew he wasn't sleeping because I could hear the pacing on his room too. He opened the adjoining door wearing his boxers and a worried look. I took two steps until I was directly in front of him. I stood up in my toes and kissed him. Like he did, lightly, the touch of the lips and nothing else. Then his hands came to my waist to hold me in place as he deepened the kiss. He pulled my lower lip between his and ran his tongue over it. I moaned on his mouth. I slid my tongue inside his mouth and he captured it with his own. I felt the root of his mouth, his teeth and his tongue. His lips, the inside of his cheeks, everything thoroughly like the scientist I am. We ended up in the bed, the top sheets and comforter on the floor, my nightgown flew and landed on the door of the bathroom, my panties and his boxer were after found behind the TV set. We weren't fast or slow. We made up our own rhythm. It wasn't the first time we had Sex, it was the first time we made love. Kissing and exploring. He tasted me and I came in his mouth, the feeling of his cock inside me mixed with the feeling of his tongue inside my mouth. We came together and watched the sky fall apart on our heads. The world stopped existing for ten seconds. We slept in each other's arms and I woke up to find him tickling my feet. We took a shower together and kissed under the hot water. The drive back to DC was pleasurable. We stopped once close to a beach. It was on a cliff and you could see the water splashing on the rock beneath us. We made out on the grass, then we made love on the car hood. We teased each other and we laughed. We defined some rules back at my apartment, on my bed. Rule #1: Never do it on Bureau time. No motel, no J. Edgar Hoover, nothing. Rule #2: Never do it on weeknights. No Mondays, no Tuesdays, no Wednesdays and no Thursdays. We knew ourselves and we'd never be able to look decent for work if we had sex every single night. Rule #3: extreme secret. If anyone found out there would be an OPR to decide if they were capable of the job and it would only be another excuse to divide us. When I saw, he had clothes all over my apartment, there was a m razor on my bathroom sink near my own, I was keeping two towels on the bathroom and there were two bathrobes in the hook on the back of my bathroom door. My refrigerator met sunflower seeds, which Mulder vehemently refused to explain why he kept them on a refrigerator. His apartment became lighter, cleaner. I kept a suit or two with pantyhose and shoes on his closet. I slept on his shirts at his apartment and he only wore boxer at my place, when he wore them. I wasn't afraid and I couldn't believe we hadn't allowed ourselves this for such a long time with the fear that it would be bad.. But it was the best decision we could have made. We were making it work. The next cases turned out to be easy, the luck guy and the teenagers. Mulder managed to flirt with me on every opportunity while I changed the subject and tried not to blush. I confess that the luck guy made me remember Emily for a second.. But our lives were as normal as they could be. Not other people normal, our normal. Then Pfaster ran away. And I pushed myself away from him. I took 30 steps backwards in my life and in our relationship. I saw myself alone and unable to ask for help. I felt the rage inside me. When I shot Pfaster I wanted to kill him, the others like him, the Consortium, everything that tried to control my life and me. I don't remember shooting, but I remember thinking that the bullets wouldn't be enough for the number of enemies. Mulder tried to give me some space. He called the police for me, he talked to them and explained the situation, and he even managed to delay my statement and schedule it for the next day. I finally could tell him what I thought. He was silent on the drive to his place. I just laid exhausted on bed and he laid there with me. We spooned and I fell asleep. It was day, but I hadn't slept during the night. I had a nightmare. I saw all the people that had already tried to kill us come back to catch us. Tooms, Modell, Linda Bowman, Pfaster, Cigarette-Smoking Man, Krycek, eveyone ran after us and we ended up in nowhere, we couldn't run and we couldn't even walk to each other. We screamed each other's names, but we couldn't move. I woke up to find Mulder kissing my hair and trying to calm me down. I returned to sleep on his embrace and I woke up to find pie smell on the house. Apple pie. Mulder hadn't cook, but he had bought it. It was wonderful and he brought it on the bed for me on a tray. He made us tea and we stayed there. He had called us off in the morning after I fell asleep. He had been up all the time just watching me sleep. He knew a place that delivered homemade pies and ordered one because he thought it would make me better. I had no idea there was such a place. I stayed in his apartment until the next day and agent Koset gave us a suspicious look when we got to the J. Edgar Hoover together. I didn't give a damn. Screw the rest of the world. I didn't care. I wouldn't have stayed the last night alone just so that we would get there on different moments. Nor go in different cars. I was glad it was Friday and after work Mulder went to my apartment. He stayed there and we got to J. Edgar together on Monday too. But no one gave us looks or anything. I couldn't understand what was wrong, but again I didn't care. I had spent Saturday afternoon in the couch with Mulder making out like we were 16 and spent the night making love on the living room floor. We spent the Sunday at my mom, but we didn't tell her. She thought Mulder was just comforting me after the rough week. She almost caught us kissing in the backyard while she went get more lemonade for us. There was the California case, the magician one. It was fun at least. To see the look on Mulder's face when I twisted my arm. Then there was that creepy case on the snakes. Everything seemed so dark, the way those snakes moved. I saved Mulder's ass. Again. He took a little while to recover. I played my best doctor/friend role. He was too weak for sex, so we just laid together on bed and talked about anything, we just made each other laugh and smile a lot. When he got better, thank God it took only three days, we made love on his bathtub. It was small like mine, but we fitted in together. Everything seemed to start to walk forward and we had to stop. His mother died, he found the Truth. Samantha's truth. After his mother died I comforted him. He was afraid. Afraid to never get the answers. He was in pain. His mother knew that. I held him and comforted him. We laid together on his couch and he cried on my chest, curled over me. I woke up first and adjusted my clothes, I put on my shoes and I was getting ready to go to the bakery in the corner and buy us some bagels for breakfast when Skinner got there. I wanted to kill him for waking Mulder up. I tried to be silent, but Mulder woke up. So, we headed to California. I have mixed feelings about Skinner. Sometimes I'm angry because he cooperated with the Consortium, sometimes I feel sorry for him because he had to do it. I don't know, it's strange, he is our boss, but it looks like he doesn't know what to do either. But I sure wanted to have jumped in the backseat and put Mulder's head on my lap and let him cry. I remembered the road number, which was the same Amber Lynn spirit or whatever had said to her mother. I saw the sign and I remember that once, during a vacation, Ahab took us somewhere and we drove though that road. So, we found Santa and arrested him. We discovered the bodies of 24 children. And I swear, I had to control myself so that I wouldn't shoot the man right there. How could a man kill these lives, these young lives? But I controlled myself, I had to be strong for Mulder. We didn't know if Samantha was one of those bodies or not. Who built the walls this time was Mulder. He didn't talk, he only thought about Samantha. It was hard for me. It was hard that he wouldn't let me get close. I understood how he felt like in the times I did this. I returned to Washington and I consulted a psychiatrist about Mulder's hypnosis. I tried to convince him to come back to DC. I found the documents regarding Samantha's search and CGB Spender. But in the end we were together. He found her journal and we read it together. I felt the pain within me when he said the words. I thought about my own abduction. If it was hard for me in a period of three months imagine for a little girl for years. The tears came, we allowed ourselves a touch in a public place. I went to bed and cried for a couple hours. Then I got up and looked at county records. I thought I had found something and I went to search. I woke Mulder up and we went to look in the hospital records. Everything was hard. I imagined how Mulder was feeling. I understood and I tried to diminish the pain. I talked to the nurse. I felt the hairs on my neck lift when she mentioned the cigarette. When I looked back, Mulder wasn't there. She could be alive, couldn't she? We needed to find her. Then Mulder appeared and said she was dead. He had seen her. I wanted to comfort him, but he didn't need comfort. Then I did.. But everything worked out fine. I slept on his house the rest of the weeks, since gave us a few days off. He was happy. I can't explain, just plain happy. We had a minor fight, I don't even remember the reason and that damn camera kept following us. I wanted to discuss with him the case properly and I couldn't with that camera around us. When the case was over and that camera wasn't following us, in the return, we did it in a plane for the first time. It was like the old times, but this time we allowed ourselves to kiss, actually we couldn't allow ourselves a lot I that tiny space. Then guess: I saved Mulder's ass. Again. If he paid me for every time I saved his butt, I could buy a new house.. But it was fun at least. After, when his huge ego was threatened, let him regain control. In bed. I loved it. Of, course, I couldn't show, or I would affect his universe size ego. Things seemed to get going forward again. Then I accepted to go with CGB, CSM, whatever, whoever. Things seemed strange after that. All I know is that in the following weekend he didn't came to my apartment. He just called. We spent hours talking about paperwork, our early years. We jogged together on Sunday evening for 3 hours, we were exhausted, but it was good. He came to my apartment. We didn't have sex, we just spooned. I think it was his way to see that things hadn't changed. That he could still trust me.. But things were still strange. There were some cases, like when he sent me in that awful strip club stake out. But after he came back things were great. He said something about me being a significant other. He was just like a hurricane. He entered my apartment on Friday night and he only left it Monday morning with me, leaving a mess in my apartment. I spent the Monday night gathering my shattered glass after he managed to break three glasses dishwashing. And one in a special thing. Then on the next Friday night he asked me to perform an autopsy. I almost killed him. In consequence, I didn't go to England. I had spent the whole Night performing an autopsy on a man, finished at 2:30 am, I hadn't eaten all night since he would bring food and he didn't. My feet were aching and I was pissed. So, he went there alone. Part of me wanted him to say: "Forget it, I prefer to be here with you.." But then he would be giving up his work. His essence is work and if he changed I would not love him the way I do. And I saw things. I saw a Truth of mine. My past relationship started great and then I lost my interest and I left them. If it was fear of commitment, if the thrill after some time was gone, I don't know.. But I realized I needed to change my path. I needed to forget the rules, I needed to be with Mulder all the time. If he gave up the crop circles because of us, because of our personal relationship I wouldn't like, but to listen that he couldn't stand stay there, I knew it wasn't just because our personal relationship, it was because our work partnership our friendship, it was like Heaven for me. He left me on the couch remembering my rule. I woke up later, I don't know which time was it. I went to his bed and woke him up. He looked confused, but he got the idea when I unbuttoned my jacket and started to lift my blouse and took off the rest of my clothes. He left me slide under the covers, he moved himself so that I was on my back and he was half on top of me and half on the mattress. He looked at me like an astonished but pleased child. He had this grin on his face. He didn't move, just looked at me. Finally I asked if he was going to stay there, still, for the rest of the night or he would make some movement soon. He moved to kiss me. Not open mouthed kisses, uncontrolled frenetic kisses, a soft kiss that made my heart melt. He softly planted kisses along my jawbone, my ear, my neck, my breasts. He kissed my belly button, then he made his way up and planted kisses on my eyebrows, the tip of my nose, he gave me an Eskimo kiss, and he kissed my fully on the mouth. Carefully he ran his tongue over my lip, the tips of our tongues met, sending jolts all over my body. He put his hand on the side of my hip and he moved to be completely on top of me. His tongue and mine playing inside our mouths One was chasing the other, intertwining. The other hand of his came behind my back caressing the whole way to my neck and supported my head so that we could deepen even more the kiss. His forehead touched mine and it felt so good. So warm. One of my hands went to his arm, the one over my hip, to squeeze assuring him. He entered me slowly. I almost pulled out of our kiss but he didn't let me. I gasped inside his mouth. Pleasure overtaking me. The hand that was on his arm descended to his buttocks to settle the pace. I felt him moving in and out of me and every time I moaned inside his mouth. Finally we broke apart from the kiss when we came because we needed all the air our lungs could take. I felt the orgasm take me as he emptied himself inside me. I felt him kissing my hairline. His fingers tracing my cheekbones. And I felt alive. Free. He managed to roll out and lay beside me, his arms around my waist. His breath reached a slow pace and he fell asleep. I looked at him for several minutes, his head resting on my shoulder. I saw his calm expression, his peaceful look. I ran my head through his hair. The rain outside was almost stopping. I left his embrace and gathered all my clothes I could find. I ran a washcloth over my body and dried on his towel, his smell on it. I put my clothes on. My fingers tried to settle my messed hair. I washed my face and left the bathroom. I picked up my jacket. He had moved since I left the bed. He still had a peaceful look. I left his apartment and I swore that soon I would be sleeping every night with him. He got sick with those larvae things, I saved him though medicine, but this time I was really worried. He tried to push me away in a Mulderish way. I slept on my place alone a few nights. After he told me about the cigarettes I slept on his place for a couple weeks, saying it was only to make sure he wasn't smoking. He was completely better when we heard about that premiere. I almost didn't go, but Mulder insisted it would be fun. I agreed. Thank God Skinner didn't say anything about neither of us getting dates. Mulder was really pissed after the premiere. The way they showed our relationship. All we had to get through to get to this point and they pictured it completely wrong. I told him to ignore Hollywood motion pictures and return to real life. Return to the hotel room with me. The real me, not a disfigured Hollywood cheap imitation. We took the Bureau card and ordered a special dinner for us in the hotel room. White wine, duck a l'orange, with french fries. Do I need to mention the fries were Mulder's idea? I think Skinner suspected something. Why did he give us one single Bureau card instead of two? Maybe he heard about the days that we got to work together. Or he noticed our insistence on getting rooms with adjoining doors. And when we didn't get them, maybe he hear my footsteps at 2 am in direction to Mulder room wearing a bathrobe and nothing under. We didn't care and we spent the whole night at my room. We drank the whole wine and eat everything. We ordered sundaes for dessert. The hotel crew probably thought there were children in the room. First the fries and then sundaes.. But Mulder used his sundae on me on a definitely adult way. We didn't left the room on the next day and I swear I heard Skinner laughing outside our door. On the next day we headed back to DC. I could never imagine it would be hard to sit next to Mulder on an airplane, usually I hated when we didn't sit next on an airplane. Except that our boss was on my other side and we couldn't even look at each other. I wanted to squeeze Mulder's arm when he whispered on my ear. And all I did was punch him fully on the ribs with my elbow. Then we had to investigate that Betty and Lulu case. The partners like us. That was awful. I hate when we get cases like that. Then there was the other case. Perform an autopsy on an invisible guy. I almost shot Mulder again. Not on his shoulder, lower. And that woman following him everywhere. I really thought about getting my gun and shooting both.. But if I shot him the damage would be mine. So I controlled myself and I was rewarded with a movie session. I felt like a teenager again, making out on the Movie Theater. Except we were on his couch, on his apartment and we were grown-ups. Ok, I was grown up, I couldn't believe when Mulder faked a yawn to put his arms around my shoulders. I laughed out loud. Or he descending his hand carefully to my breast. I laughed again.. But I entered his game and did exactly what I would do if I were 15, I took his hand and put it back on my shoulder. He mumbled something and went quiet. His other hand ended up on my thigh. I took it and put it on my knee. This time he laughed. Finally he gave up on the guy flick and kissed me. We didn't do anything but kiss in the next half-hour. When we finished my lips were cracked and I looked flushed. He had this stupid grin on his face. We made love on that couch and then on his bed. It was a weekday and he looked surprise when I was dozing off on his bed with him. From that day on we practically lived together. In my place or his. He said my place was better and bigger, so usually after work we went to my place. On the Friday night we went to his place so he could get more things, like clothes and book or whatever. We usually spent the night there and we went jog on the afternoon and we went to my place to take a shower or a bath together. Life couldn't be better.. But then we had to go to Oregon. We had to go back to Bellefleur. I started to have the dizzy spells, the fainting.. But I didn't do like in the past. Like when I felt bad and I didn't tell Mulder. I did like in our first case, I was afraid there was something wrong and I went to him. I told him. We laid on that bed. I was startled when he joined me.. But we had already disrespected one rule, there was no problem in disrespect another. We were living together. He quietly whispered on my ear, like he knows I like. He held me and the chilly feeling disappeared. He slid under the covers and made love to me to comfort me. He loved me. And he said the words. "I love you, Scully. " And my heart melted. And I let him take care of me. "I love you too, Mulder." The words for the first time leaving my mouth, but not the first time passing through my brain and heart. Then everything happened in such a short space of time. Our goodbye on the J. Edgar Hoover hallway, the feel of his skin under my hands when I put my necklace around his neck, my other fainting, the tests, the news that he was gone, the news I was pregnant. Skinner being the first person to know was definitely not on my plans.. But I needed to tell someone. Everything was so confuse. I had what I always wished for, but I couldn't have what I always loved, the one I always loved, beside me. I could almost imagine Mulder's mouth dropping to the floor. The look on his eyes. The smile he would unconsciously give me. But he wasn't there. I didn't know where he was, only that he wasn't there. I wanted to jump of happiness and cry to death at the same time. I wanted to leave that hospital and look for him. I stop the memories. I have tears on my eyes. I remember the last months quickly, so that I don't have to face the bad times for a long time. i left the hospital and headed to my apartment. A week later I went to Oregon. I searched some abduction files. I went to an OB appointment. I went to his apartment, but there wasn't almost anything there. Most of his clothes were on my apartment. His large collection of videos and magazines were at Lone gunmen. His old psychology books were partly on my place and partly he had taken to his family old house. There was an empty fish tank, a TV set, no food, no bed linens, no smell of him. He hadn't lived there for a month and everything was missing. Everything he had was with me: our child, his love, his work, his clothes, his everything. I sent the rest of the things to his old family house and I headed back to my apartment. I found his smell, our smell, his clothes, his books, even his pictures were there. There was a picture of him and Sam. I looked at it. He needed to come back. I don't want to spend 26 years of our son or daughter's life looking for him. He needed to come back. I told my mom. She was happy and sad too. Everyone I tell is happy and sad. I am happy and sad. Is almost morning. I think about what I'm going to do with the day. I'll probably sleep now. I don't leave the rocking chair. It's too comfortable. I wish Mulder was here.. But he isn't. And I'll find him. I'll wake up today and look for him. And if I don't find him, I'll wake up the tomorrow and do the same. And the day after that. And how long it takes me to find him.. But I'll find him. I'll bring him back to me. To us.
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