Summary: title pretty much says it all.

Something woke her. The dream shattered and the fragments scattered in the wind before Scully's waking mind had a chance to get more than a fleeting glace at the remains. It had been a nice dream. She turned over, hugged her pillow and closed her eyes again, trying to restore that peaceful feeling, to finish the dream that was quickly fading from her memory. A feeling of security and happiness had survived upon wakening and settled over her like a warm blanket. The remaining faint wisps of the dream floated through her mind and Scully tugged impatiently on the covers.

<Something about my bedroom... Not this bedroom but a different one... In the dream I had woken up feeling warm and secure. A man's arms were around me. My man. I felt so safe. He was stroking my back tenderly and dropping kisses on my face... I was so happy nestled in his arms... Then the door crept open and a little girl had appeared. My little girl. About three years old with red hair and her favorite doll dangling in the crook of her arm. I pushed back the blankets and she crawled up between us happily... I pulled the blankets up around the three of us and was drifting off again when I heard a baby crying... A crib was in the next room next to a rocking chair... I walked over and there in the crib was a tiny screaming baby with red curls... I picked her up and rocked gently in the chair as I nursed her. Her big dark blue eyes focused on mine and five tiny fingers curled around my thumb... >

Scully closed her eyes firmly as the warmth and security she had felt became tinted with sorrow. The emptiness in her arms made her heart ache and she pulled the blankets closer around her to keep out the cold. Sleep would be a long way off tonight. More so than usual. She reached for her watch off her bedside table and focused sleepily on its face. He eyes perceivably widened and her breath rushed out of her. Next to the hands which she recognized as portraying the early hours of the morning, was a small box with the date in it. A date she didn't want to think about. Mothers day.

Scully sat up and impatiently rearranged her pillows. She didn't want to think about Mother's Day. She didn't want to think about Emily. She didn't want to think about the fact that she couldn't have children. How she would never rock her child to sleep. There would be no red-haired little girl cuddling up to her at night. No tiny warm fingers to curl around hers or sweet little smiles shining up at her with unconditional love...

The face of a little girl rose to the surface of her mind. A little girl she had known so briefly but had loved more than she thought possible. Emily's huge eyes reflected the little girl's pain and unquestioning hope and had touched something in Scully's heart.

She remembered the way her big blue eyes had lit up when she saw Scully's cross. Scully's own eyes had contained that look of wonder the first time the necklace was placed around her own neck.

She remembered how tiny and fragile Emily looked on the big hospital bed near the end. Her heart had ached with the instinctive urge to protect that little girl and take care of her. To make her smile again. To love her. But they took her away. She didn't even get to say goodbye properly. They wouldn't let her say goodbye to her own daughter.

Scully bit her lip and pressed her face into her pillow. She was painfully aware of how silent her apartment was, how lonely it was. There were no little footsteps running around or the confident stride of a man or even the patter of a dog on the floors.

For one of the first times she wished she had a man to come home to. A man who would cuddle up to her at night and keep her warm. To greet her when she walked in the door and comfort her when she cried. But she was scared. So scared to let anyone in. Scully's eyes welled up as she realized that she couldn't even let Mulder, her best friend, in and show him how much she cared. The fear of letting her protective wall down, of exposing her soul and showing him her heart, kept her frozen, distanced, from the one person she cared about the most.

A tear traced the curve of her cheekbone and dampened her pillow. Scully wished she'd let herself love him. Let *him* love *her*. So scared. She wasn't like Mulder, who wore his heart on his sleeve more often than not. It was hard for her to let go and show him that she loved him, that she needed him.

In the duration of their partnership, Mulder had kissed her more times than she could remember. It was so easy for him to drop a casual kiss on her cheek or forehead or hand... But Scully could only remember one time she'd kissed him. One time. It was a simple kiss placed on his forehead after he'd told her he couldn't continue without her and that she made him whole. At that moment the walls had come down. It was only for a moment but it was enough to show Scully just how much she meant to Mulder, and him to her.

Mulder. Scully smiled softly at the thought of him. She wished he was there with her. What would he do if he was? He'd probably use his key to slip in silently and watch her sleep with that little smile on his face. He'd brush a strand of hair off her forehead. She'd open her eyes and he'd give her a little grin. And it would be enough. She'd be happy. If it was after a particularly bad case and his eyes were troubled, she might shuffle over and pat the mattress next to her. He'd slip in silently and, after a moment, curl his arm around her. She'd rest her head on his shoulder and welcome the comfort and security his arms offered. However, the cold bed was a long way from the warmth of Mulder's arms. Her tears silently soaking her pillow were miles from a happy sigh.

Scully closed her eyes, bit her lip and crawled out of bed. She exchanged her flannelette pajamas for a pair of well worn jeans and a cotton sweater and grabbed her keys on her way out the door. She drove over to Mulder's apartment, not sure why she was going there or what she was going to do. She just knew that she had to break down that wall somehow. She had to find a way to let him in, to let herself out. She had to see him, to make sure he was still there. Somehow, Scully knew that just by seeing him, by watching him breathe, she would be able to close some of that distance between them and make herself whole as she had made him.

Scully used her key and silently entered Mulder's dark apartment. She pushed the door shut with a small click and surveyed the room. Her eyes rested on the empty couch for only a moment before an object on the coffee table caught her eye. She moved towards the coffee table and saw it was a gift-wrapped parcel. There was a tag on top with her name written carefully across the front.

Scully carefully picked up the package, walked to the entrance of Mulder's bedroom, and looked in. A smile danced around her lips when she saw him curled up in his waterbed, a peaceful look settled over his features. She retreated to the lounge room, sat on the arm of the couch and turned her attention back to the package. She ran her fingers over the surface of the paper, feeling the softness of the light blue satin ribbon enfolding the rectangular package. She untied the bow and pushed it aside, focussing on how to unwrap the paper without tearing it. She peeled back the tape, unfolded the paper and felt her breath catch in her throat.

Tears blurred her vision and her fingers gently traced the gift. It was a picture frame with a hinge in the middle that enabled it to fold out like a book. On one side there were two photos, separated by a small divider the same pattern as the frame. On one side of the divider was a picture of Scully that she recognized as having been taken by her mother a few months ago. It had captured a rare moment, when Scully had been relaxed, a small smile on her lips and in her eyes. The other picture was of Emily. The little girl had the same smile in her big blue eyes, and the resemblance between mother and daughter was breathtaking. A tear fell down Scully's cheek and her eyes traced across the hinge to where a poem was written.

In a baby castle just beyond my eye
My baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy.
Who am I to wish her back into this world of strife?
No, play on my baby, you have eternal life.

At night when all is silent
And sleep forsakes my eyes
I'll hear her tiny footsteps come running to my side.
Her little hands caress me, so tenderly and sweet
I'll breathe a prayer and close my eyes and embrace her in my sleep.

Now I have a treasure that I rate above all other,
I have known true glory - I am still her mother.

Scully became aware of the tears flowing freely down her cheeks at the same time she realized a warm hand was resting on her back. She set the photo frame down carefully and rose from her position on the arm of the couch. Mulder was considering her with a soft smile.

"You like it?"

Scully felt her throat tighten, amazed that he had to ask. She opened her mouth but no words were forthcoming so she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her partner's waist. He cradled her against his chest and rocked her slightly as he kissed her hair. He dropped his mouth to her ear and whispered to her tenderly.

"Happy Mother's Day, Scully."

~end~

All of my fanfic is available at my site:

Tell me what you think

In The Name of X http://tatooine.fortunecity.com/delany/356/