Title: Greatness
Author: Jewlz!
Writen: June 2001
Archive: Anywhere as long as my name is on it.
Category: Noromoic with shippy undertones
Classification: Short fic, Mulder POV/ Scully POV
Feedback: jewlz@vnet.net
Rated: PG-13, One bad word placed strategically for impact purposes only
Spoilers: This takes place right after Existence

Summary: To achieve greatness one must not forget the past.

My life is divided into three parts.

Before my abduction.
During my abduction.
After my abduction.

Before my abduction is when everything in my world was *right*. It was comfortable, familiar. I had closure with my sister. My career was quite interesting and even to the point of being entertaining. My lovelife was 'eh for the most part, but *she* saved me out of my misery. She gave me desire and hope for our future. She was my touchstone, afterall.

Then there were times when she wasn't around me, when I was alone. Times I sensed that I was destined for something greater. Something just out of reach. That if only I tried hard enough I could attain it. That feeling of greatness. No, not a feeling of being a king or god, but more like something I would experience and never forget. It would excite every cell in my body. It would overwhelm my senses so that I didn't know if I were coming or going. It would take complete control of my mind and body and soul. It would know me and it would drive me over the edge. It would become my saviour and my death.

But that's what I never wanted her to see inside of me. If she saw it, she would find a way to talk me out of it. She would throw some farfetched medical theory at me and ask me to believe in it. But I couldn't. Not this time.

I stand here packing my things knowing her gaze is on my back. She is crying softly at the door in her silk bath robe. I ignore her. I continue to gather my things. She wants me to stay. She says we can work it out. She comes closer to me. I know she is there without even hearing her. Now she clings to my back and I feel her tears soaking my t-shirt. But it's not enough. Not this time.

I flashback to my abduction. I can almost feel the needles poking in my arms. I can almost feel the drill in my chest. I can almost feel myself drifting towards the white light only to be dragged back into the darkness again.... and again..... and again....

I slam the suitcase down and lock the clips. I didn't mean to startle her. She grabs my arm and pulls me around. She makes me meet her eyes. Her beautiful eyes. Now look what I have done. Her mascara was sliding down her cheeks. I was such a bastard.

She yells that I can't leave. She says that William needs me. That he needs a father. Maybe she's right. Her yells gradually become whimpers. She breathes that she needs me too. But it doesn't matter. Not this time.

I close my eyes. She says many things but all I can hear in my heart is 'I love you. I love you. I love you.' She buries her face in my chest. I bend down to smell her hair. God, I will miss her smell. I touch her face. I kiss her lips. I taste her tears. I whisper to her, willing her to believe that it won't be for long. But I know that she knows that I'm not coming back.

I quickly turn away from her. To stay longer and I will miss my chance at greatness, for the calling is getting stronger. I leave her in the bedroom and make my way to the door. I stop. I suddenly remembered yesterday. I had went to the bank and transferred all my funds to her account. I had to leave her the deposit slips so she will know what I did. She will know she will never have to worry about money. I also leave the keys to my parents summer house. Maybe she will take William there for vacations when he grows older.

The doorbell rings. Now what?

I open it to see Agent Doggett. I let the jealousy flow in and out of me. I thought I was over it, but somtimes I wondered just how close he had gotten to her when I was gone. No time for that now.

I invite him in just as she comes out of the bedroom. She cries to Doggett in broken desperation to make me stay. Doggett looks back and forth with uneasiness. He explains softly he only came by to drop off a casefile.

Yes Agent Doggett, we are having a fight. Wait, we *were* having one.

I reach down, grab my suitcase, and head for the door. She doesn't try to stop me. Probably because *he* was there.

In no time I hail a cab. The elderly cabbie asks me where I'm going. I tell him, as far as I could go on $200. I tell him everything during the ride. I even attempt to explain 'the greatness'. He only laughs and chides that I should have never left her. I believe him. I truly do. But it doesn't matter. The greatness is near.

Now I stand at the edge of eternity. I look down at the deep ravine. Uh oh, looks spooky. But will that stop me? I have to reach greatness. I strip down and open the briefcase. I dump everything out on the side of the road except for her necklace. She had been so upset she didn't notice my magic fingers. I put the cross around my neck and climb over the rail. Some call it Lover's Leap, others call it Devil's Pitchfork. Either name is fine with me. Maybe one day they will call it Mulder's Madness.

I take a step and brace for my greatness. One gazillion images pounded into my head. So many memories, so little time. I feel my feet slip and suddenly I am flying in the air. Ohhhhhhh the greatness! I had never felt so powerful as I did that instant. I was all-powerful, all-knowledgably, awesome. I knew every answer to every question ever asked.

I also knew that I would finish this jump with one of two theories. I was either going to die or I was going to live. There would be no grey areas. It was either this or that. No in betweens.

But then again, I was wrong. So wrong. So very wrong. I was so caught up in my quest for greatness that I never considered the consequences. I went forward with intention to never look back. But here I was, still sailing downward to certain death and I was still looking back. I thought I could run away from the pain, the misery, my choices, the impact of my choices on others, and every other event that I had taken a part in life. I had told myself it didn't matter. But I was wrong. And it was too late to go back and do it all over again.

Three days later....

I wish he would stop staring at me. He asks me every five minutes if I want coffee, tea, or if I'm hungry. He knows I'm hurting inside but he doesn't realize that being back on a case makes me feel strong again. I can put my back against the wall and stand straight. I can think and flex my mind on mutant fire ants instead of the *still* missing Mulder.

I re-read the casefile on Mulder's disappearance. I understood in some small way why he had to leave. Yet, on the other hand, I simply couldn't accept it either. Even since he returned from his abduction he had acted peculiar. I had noticed little hints every now and then but never as strong as when he kissed me. On the lips. Gently at first, then with such a fire I never knew existed until then. Even if I hadn't been in love with him before, then I surely was then!

Now was not the time for those memories. I had to stay focused and not start crying again just in case Doggett saw me and decided I needed to go home. Like that would make the pain go away. Never. Not until he returned to me.

Doggett had once again told me that he was going to find him. I nearly melted when he said that. I need him so much more than he knew. I draw my strength from him. The strength to keep searching. I pray earnestly every night that God would never take him from me. If something were to ever happen to Doggett ......

I shook myself and forced my eyes to read the casefile again. The sherriff had found Mulder's clothes and her *necklace* on the edge of a Virginia road next to a ravine. The sherriff and countless others searched miles to find his body. Strangely, it was never found. No blood, no animal tracks, not even a broken limb indicating that something big had fallen off the cliff. Nothing. Once again, Mulder had become an X-File.

I knew the truth deep inside. I knew that he was alive. I could feel him even if he were thousands of miles away. I may never see him again, but I know that he is out there. I know that one day he will return to me. One day.

The End