Title: Doggett's Babysitting Evening
Author: doggettandscully
Author's Page: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/130658/
Category: X-Files
Genre: Humor/Parody
Written: 11/28/2001
Words: 3787
Rating: G

Summary: Doggett offers to babysit William whilst Scully goes out, what could go wrong???

Chapter 1: Doggett's Babysitting Evening

Doggett parked his car outside Scully's apartment block, he waited for the song playing on the radio to finish before exiting the car, it was "Give a little respect" by Wheatus, he tapped his hand on the dashboard to the beat supplied by the new car stereo speakers he had purchased the previous day.

He hated Saturdays, especially when he had promised to meet William, Scully's baby. Mulder had departed two weeks ago, to start a new life in Rhode Island where he used to have a summer house as a kid.

He suddenly went back to a childhood memory when he had accidently broke his arm whilst trying to impress his friends. He was climbing a tree when his little foot at somehow entwined with a bundle of branches, he remembered hanging by his foot and screaming for help, instead his supposed friends had stood there giggling at him, he suddenly began to feel depressed as he reminded himself all through his child hood he was the little dweeb in the corner, bullied in every single school he had attended and even at the FBI he remembered an incident which occurred several weeks ago when himself and Mulder had been picked on by some agents, it ocurred to him Wheatus had finished and instead the radio was playing his least favourite song, When The Going Gets Tough by Billy Ocean.

He sighed and bushed the power button ending the dreaded 80's beat song, in a quick flash he was at Scully's door, knocking silently in case he woke William. He had thumping about and a groan before the door opened to reveal a depressed Scully, her hair in a mess, her make-up smeared across her face. Her clothes had seen better days and he was certain he could smell shit, he didn't know quite how to approach her so he decided on the cool approach.

"Hey there," he said suddenly remembering he forgot to bring a baby gift from the car "Rough night?"

"Are you saying I look rough?" she asked in anger.

"No, no I assumed you might have, new baby and all," he said making a witty excuse.

Scully gave him a dirty look and stormed back inside leaving the door open for Doggett to enter.

Inside he was greeted with a view of dirty diapers, dirty linen and a putrid smell. "Scully, where's Will?"

"William," she snapped in correction, alarmed he had shortened William's name. "He's asleep, finally."

"How are you coping?" he asked noting she was flustered trying to clean up the mess that surrounded her apartment.

"As well as to be expected," she said trying to sound proud.

"Did Mulder leave a return address?" Doggett suddenly asked, he was really trying to dish some more dirt on the fact Mulder had suddenly decided to leave.

"No" she lied. "Why?"

"Just wondered, I thought I'd send him a letter."

"Well he didn't," she snapped. "Will you take the trash out?" she asked handing him a black bag filled with dirty diapers.

"Ok," he said taking it from her grasp he smiled before exiting the apartment, he walked down the hall until he came to the garbage disposal shoot, he turfed the bag inside and headed back.

When he walked back in her saw Scully emerge from her bedroom clutching a bundle of sheets, he reached out to grab them, he held onto part and roughly tugged at it, he thought he would help out after all he knew how to load and start a washing machine after all, suddenly her hand reached up and whipped his face, the speed resembled a whippet.

"Owww," he bellowed placing his hand over his sore cheek.

"If you wanted to hold him you could ask," she said with fury, it was then he realised the bundle of sheets in her hands was a baby wrapped in cotton blankets.

"Oh er, sorry I thought it was some dirty sheets," he explained hoping she would understand but instead another un-friendly spank intruded his other cheek.

"How dare you say my baby looks like dirty sheets!" she said a few tears sliding down her cheek.

Doggett didn't literally mean the baby he meant the material surrounding the baby but how could he put it into words without offending her further. "Oh Scully he is such a beautiful little baby," he suddenly said changing the subject, "He looks like you."

"Oh why thanks" Scully said excited at his compliment.

"You really need to take some photos. If you like I'll pop to the shop and buy a disposable camera. William is the talk of the FBI I'm sure everybody would love to see a photo," he said.

"Really?" she asked, maybe Willmore was talking about William. Maybe Willmore wanted to be a subsitute dad.

"Yes especially between Reyes and Chopstix," he added "I won't be long, okay?"


Doggett was glad to finally be out of her apartment. He felt sorry for Scully, she had spent the past two weeks alone without a break from William. He didn't have much experience with babies but he decided he would ask if she wanted a night out while he stayed in and babysat for her. He could always ring his trusting mom up for advice if need be....


Doggett returned to see Scully giving William a bottle, he smiled as the pair looked so perfect together. Scully had turned back to her original figure strangely in a matter of two weeks.

"I got a camera," he said openeing the box, he began taking photo's of them together "That should be enough for now," he said placing the camera on the coffee table. He took a seat beside Scully on the sofa and peered over the blankets at William. He smiled and sighed like a woman.

"You can hold him if you like," she said, Doggett reached out and took William into his arms "So how's the FBI?" she asked.

"Same as always," he grumbled "Although since Reyes and Chopstix have been dating-"

"Dating?" she said in shock "They're dating?"

"Oh yeah, I thought you knew," he said with raised eyebrows. "Word on the street, Reyes hit on him at a party when she got drunk."

"Anything else I should know about?" Scully asked with depression, she was really missing her co-workers and resented the fact Skinner wouldn't let her back at work until William was three months old. She hated to leave William but she already had a nanny to care for him during the day. Sometimes she would call the nanny over just while she grabbed some sleep or surfed the Internet. She had still managed to maintain her on-line social life, all of her on-line friends had been glad that she had, had William.

"Willmore and--"

"Who?" Scully asked cutting him off, was he about to reveal that Willmore and another agent were dating? Was her life about to end.

"Chow," he responded "They were caught playing chess, it was so funny," Doggett said laughing. He looked down at William and smiled, suddenly embarrassed at the silence. He noted Scully was staring at him waiting for him to speak to the baby but he felt stupid, what could he say?

"Willmore hasn't phoned," she said aloud. "Er he told me he would."

"Well Willmore has important things going on. He is undercover at the moment trying to break a drugs ring."

"I knew it would be something like that," she said with a dreamy face and tone.

"Listen Scully," he began. "I was thinking if maybe you wanted to go out sometime. I'm always available to you know take care of William," he offered.

Scully suddenly became happy when she realised Doggett was offering her the chance to go out and have fun, she jumped up. "Really?" she asked looking at her watch, it read 5:43pm. "Thanks Doggett, I appreciate it," she said dashing off into her bedroom. Doggett smiled at William again.

"Hello little baby, helloo schnucks," he said pulling a weird face, he puffed out his cheeks and made a strange noise with his mouth "My names uncle John," he said with a smile.

"Thanks again," Scully said grabbing her bag, Doggett couldn't believe she was ready. She had only been in her bedroom a few minutes, he couldn't quite believe she was so desperate to go out either "There are bottles in the fridge, do you know how to warm them?"

"Pan of hot water, put the bottle in and test it before," he said matter-of-factly.

"Diapers are on the changing table in my room," she said pulling a piece of paper from the memo pad beside the phone, she began to jot down some numbers "Wet wipes are beside the diapers and there is some diaper rash lotion in the kitchen cuboard above the sink," she informed.

"Okay I got that," he said going over her last sentence again.

"Here are some numbers in case you need me or advice or anything," she said. Doggett was alarmed to see the amount of numbers she had written down, her mobile, her mom's number, the nanny's number, Skinner's number. Doggett wondered why she had given him Skinner's number.

"Thanks," he said placing the piece of paper on the coffee table.

"I'll be in about ten, can you bathe a baby?" she asked,

"No," he replied flatly.

"Oh never mind I will bathe him in the morning. He already had a bath earlier, I just like to bathe him twice. He has clean clothes in my room, get him to sleep around 6:30. He likes to be rocked in his cradle," she said walking over and planted a big kiss on William's forehead.

"Go on Scully," he ordered "I have every piece of information I need and if I forget something I have plenty of phone numbers," he said with a smile. Scully smiled back and left the apartment.

It was then Doggett noticed a stinky smell in the air, it came to him it was William. He looked down at the little baby and wondered how such a small thing could create such a big smell, he stood up and looked around for somewhere to place the baby while he popped into Scully's room to retrieve the much needed items for the changing of William's diaper.

"Er," he muttered as he found there was nowhere, instead he took the baby with him and found a diaper changing table, how practicle he thought. Then it dawned on him, Scully said there were diapers in here but there aren't he told himself. He grew stressed as he searched every aspect of the room for a diaper, in a panic he dived into the living room and began searching there.

Then he heard William crying, he was flustered as he dashed back in to find William had been sick all over himself "Oh no!" he screeched as he gently undressed the baby and placed the dirty linen into a laundry basket located by the door.

He knew he needed to get some diapers, William stank and he couldn't sit there all night in a soiled diaper. How could he possibly get some diapers? How would he take William in the car. There didn't appear to be a car seat in sight, a panicky state filled his body. Due to such mass panic and stress he stumbled over a large fluffy elephant, he dived onto the floor allowing a random fart to depart his ass leaving a rumbling sound in the room. He had no time to stop and laugh at the fart, he picked up the phone and dialed Reye's number.

"Reyes," she said.

"Reyes, please I need your help," Doggett begged.

"Why, what's going on?" Reyes asked, William began to cry again "Do I hear a baby?"

"Yes it's Scully's. I offered to babysit and well I am out of diapers, William was sick, I fell over an elephant, farted an--" it was then he realised he had accidently let out too many details.

Or made had given too many. "Farted?" she asked laughing.

"No I said floated to the floor. Look can you just come over to Scully's," he ordered, panicking to get back to William who was crying loudly.

"Sure," Reyes said ending the call.

Doggett dashed back in and swiped William up from the diaper changing mat. He cuddled him in his arms but nothing seemed to sooth him, he tried rocking him from side to side in his arms, he cried more. He sat down on the sofa and began to have another stress fit,

"I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby," he began to sing as gently as possible "Listening to Iron Maiden.." but his efforts were in vain as the little baby who was now red faced and covered in tears cried louder.

"Oh come on William," he begged "Please, please just sshh." But William cried still. He debated on whether to ring his own mom, or perhaps Scully? But then he realised she was supposed to be out having fun, he couldn't ruin her much needed break. Suddenly the phone rang, he quickly leant forward and retrieved the receiver


"Agent Doggett?" Skinner asked in surprise.


"Is Agent Scully there? I wish to speak with her," Skinner interrogated him.

"No sir she's out," Doggett informed him.

"Are you alone with that baby?" Skinner asked.

"Yes," Doggett replied, Skinner heard the sounds of William crying and guessed by the cacky tone in Doggett's voice that he was having difficulty in looking after the baby.

"I'll be right over Agent Doggett," Skinner said firmly, placing the phone down.

Doggett grew angry, how dare Skinner invite himself over without permission. How dare he interfere with his babysitting?

It seemed like ages had passed when he finally heard the much awaited knock at the door, he walked over and opened it. On the doorstep was Reyes .

"Pew, what's that smell?" Reye's asked, she noticed Doggett was rough and tired, he was red and flat-like. "Hey let me take William," she said admiring the little baby. As soon as she scooped him into her arms, William stopped crying. Great Doggett thought, even a two-week-old baby doesn't like me. "Doggett, did you get the diapers?"

"I couldn't," he snapped. "Now you're here so I think I'll go now," he said rushing out like a shot. He needed to get away, as he walked down the stair case he saw Skinner's bald head walking up.

"Agent Doggett?" Skinner questioned. "Is Agent Scully back yet?"

"No" Doggett replied.

"You mean you've left a baby alone?" he asked, angered.

"No, Reyes is looking after it-"

"Him," Skinner corrected with anger, Doggett noted Skinner seemed to be wearing fairly normal clothes instead of the outrageous outfits he had been wearing during his mid-life crisis. He shrugged the thought off and headed for the car....


Inside the grocery shop he headed for the baby isle, he looked at all the diapers. He didn't know what size to get, what brand Scully used. Again a surge of panic filled his body. He found himself pacing up and down the isle, desperatly searching.

"May I help?" a woman asked with a smile.

"I need some diapers," Doggett said, glad somebody had come to his rescue.

"What kind sir?" she asked.

"The kind for a baby," he snapped, thinking she was stupid.

"What size baby and what brand?" the woman asked.

"A little baby, two weeks old. Pampers I suppose" he blurted out.

"Then you need newborn," she said swiping a package of the shelf. "Anything else?"

"No that'll do, unless your still doing that doughnut offer, two for the price of one," he said.

"That offer ended last week sir," she informed with an annoying smile, she took the diapers to the checkout and swiped them "$6.99" she said waiting for him to pay.

"$6.99?" he asked.


"Oh er here," he said handing her the required amount.

"Thanks for shopping sir," she said, handing Doggett the diapers. He dashed from the shop and ran into the parking lot.


Doggett dashed in and suddenly became aware William was nowhere in sight, Skinner sat lounging on the sofa watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, was he seeing things?

"I got the diapers," he said.

"Agent Reyes found a whole pack inside an elephant diaper storage bag," Skinner replied still wrapped up in the television.

"I went out for nothing, then." Doggett sulked.

"Well you be quiet Agent Doggett, Agent Reyes is just getting William to sleep," Skinner snapped.

Doggett looked up at Scully's madonna clock and noticed the time was 6:30, the exact time Scully had asked Doggett to get William to sleep. "You are lucky myself and Agent Reyes came over tonight, I don't think you're fit to look after a goldfish."

"Huh?" Doggett asked with saddended surprise, did Skinner just tell him he was basically useless? Did he insult him in such a rude manner.

"Are you deaf as well as stupid, Agent Doggett?"

"What makes you think you are good with babies, you are just sitting there," Doggett said suddenly regretting it.

"Agent Doggett I have looked after William three times, boy. I know everything to know, I even know what time he has his bottles. How dare you offer to look after a baby when you cannot even look after yourself."

"Sshh" Reyes suddenly said emerging from Scully's room "I have just got him to sleep," she said giving Doggett a supportive smile "I found the diapers" she said. "That elephant you fell over was a storage place," Reyes said with a giggle.

"Your lucky your didn't fall over and hurt yourself, Agent Dogget,t" Skinner said, Doggett was glad Skinner cared so much for his well-being.

"Thanks," Doggett said deciding he would put the recent argument between them behind him.

"I don't think William would have been able to fend for himself if you were injured on the floor," Skinner added, turning the television over the the weakest link. A swirling range filled his body, he was prepared to run over and punch Skinner right on the chin. Reyes caught onto his anger.

"I'll make tea," she said motioning Doggett into the kitchen with her eyes, he began to calm down by counting to three in his head before following her. "Don't let him get to you."

"How dare he say such things. He said I couldn't look after myself or a goldfish," Doggett said, Reyes noted he sounded hurt.

"Oh ignore him, I was speaking to Agent Sherbartdab and he said Skinner is undergoing therapy for his mid-life crisis, that's why he is dressed so smartly and he has also grown lazy too."

"Oh," Doggett said, Reyes seemed to know all the gossip. He concluded it was because she was now dating Chopstix, the gossip master of the bureau.

"Did Scully say when she'll be back?" Reyes asked filling the kettle with fresh water.

"Ten," he answered noticing a package of doughnuts on the dining table, he licked his lips and reached out to pick up the bag, suddenly they were gone right from under his nose. He was gobsmacked, had he imagined them being there?

"I don't think so Agent Doggett," Skinner said opening the bag and pulling out a doughnut. "These are mine."

"Oh erm sorry," Doggett said embarrassed.

"How long will the tea be, Agent Reyes?" Skinner demanded to know.

"Not long," she replied.

"Agent Reyes why don't you join me in the viewing of a movie, it's starting soon-"

"If it's all the same I'd rather--"

"Titanic." Skinner said, this instantly changed her mind, Doggett grew excited. Titanic was his favourite movie, he crossed the kitchen and walked into the living room in the hope of getting the perfect spot. He was just about to seat his little arse down when he found himself being pulled up by his sleeve, he looked to see Skinner eyeing him with complete rage.

"Agent Doggett, that was my seat," Skinner snapped pushing Doggett, Doggett stumbled back.

"Erm..." Reyes didn't know quite how to react.

"Sit down!" Skinner ordered, Reyes obliged and sat beside him. "You have done enough already, Agent Doggett can make the tea. You know how I like mine, don't you Agent Doggett?" Skinner asked, Doggett nodded and sadly wandered off into the kitchen.


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