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Title: Illegal Aliens Summary: The Bounty Hunter is paid an unexpected visit... Dedication: To the lady who runs the Brian Thompson fan page, who gave me the idea for the Bounty Hunter's "real name". The Bounty Hunter sat in front of the TV, his feet propped up on a stool, as he wiped a green-stained stiletto with a rag. He let out a deep sigh, glad that the day was finally over. No one knew his real name, no one came to visit, and we was getting lonely. "I hate this job," he thought. "At least Cancerman gave me the weekend off." Suddenly, there was a soft tap at his door. "Who the hell?" he muttered. "I specifically said I didn't want to be bothered for the next two days!" He gripped the stiletto tightly and walked cautiously to the door. "Who is there?" he demanded, gruffly. "Is that you, hon?" the voice answered. "Mom????" the Hunter exclaimed, throwing open the door. "What brings you here?" "Well, we were in your galaxy and thought we'd drop by." "We?" he questioned. "Your father and sister," his mother replied. "And your niece." "I have a niece?" he asked. "Where's Antasia's husband?" "Oh," his mom said. "Best not to mention Armand at the moment. It was...well...let's say a messy divorce." "She made a real mess of him," another voice piped up. "Dad!" The Hunter smiled. "Come in you guys." "This is Amelia," Antasia said, pointing to the little girl that clung to her leg. "Amelia, my love, this is your Uncle Chippy." "Please, don't call me that," the Hunter begged. "Chip, Chipper, Chipmeister, anything but," he shuddered deeply. "Chippy." "Okay Uncle Chippy," Amelia laughed. "Cute kid, sis," he said. "How old is she?" "192," Antasia replied. "She looks just like her father did before his 'accident'." "I see," the Hunter answered. "Hey, what's that?" Amelia questioned, catching sight of the weapon her uncle still held in his hand. "Can I try it?" "Oh, this is for work," he replied. "It's not a toy." "Cool," she said, wide-eyed. "It's an ice-pick, isn't it?" his father asked. "No. A stiletto." "Ice pick," Amelia corrected. "Stiletto," the Hunter insisted. "Ice pick!" Amelia shouted and grabbed it from him, stabbing him in the ankle. "Ow! Shit!" he cursed. "Now don't talk like that in front of her!" his mother scolded. "She's only young." The Hunter muttered something under his breath and yanked the weapon from his leg. "So," his mother began, sitting down on the couch. "When is the little lady going to be home?" "What little lady?" The Bounty Hunter asked. "Why your wife of course!" his mother exclaimed. "Along with Chippy Jr." "Oh, I'm not married," he laughed nervously. "And it's Chip, not Chippy." "A girlfriend then?" she inquired. "Mom!" Antasia cried. "Don't pressure him! Look what happened when you talked me into marrying Armand!" "You could say I'm married to my job," the Bounty Hunter said. "Ah, that's m'boy," his father intervened. "Military, right?" "Yep," he replied. "So what do you do?" his father continued. "Fly FK17 Hover Vessels or Intergalactic Fighter Fleets?" "No, dad, I test fly earth ships," he replied. "Crashed one into the Arctic once, actually. I also round up spies...dispose of them." "What kind of sissy-ass, pansy job is that?" his father spat. "When I was your age, I was top commander of my Hover Craft. Shot down seven hundred and twenty-four Rectilian fleets, I did. I bet they go soft on you here, boy." "Dad," the Bounty Hunter replied. "The war against Saturn ended 3000 years ago." "Don't talk to me like that!" his father boomed. "Do we have to talk about the war again, Henry?" his mother blurted. "Especially in front of a youngster?" "Amelia is fine, Wanda," theelder man sighed. "See, she's right over there..." "Eating my wallpaper!" The Bounty Hunter finished. "Hey stop that you!" "Have to catch me first!" she said, sticking out her tongue. "Chippy." "That's UNCLE Chippy to you!" he called out to her. "Get back here you little hooligan!" She darted into his room. "Get outta there!" he demanded, as she dug through his desk. "What's this Uncle Chippy?" she asked holding up a piece of paper. "Uncle CHIP," he corrected. "And it's an important document about cloning. It has to be handed into my superiors Monday morning." He didn't have time to stop her as she crumpled the paper in her hand and stuffed it in her mouth. "AHHHHHHHHH!" The Bounty Hunter screamed, and grabbed Amelia. "Cough it up! Cough it up!" "What are you doing?" Antasia yelled, pulling her daughter away from him. "She's only young! She just has the 'terrible 200s"." "She at my report!" her brother answered. "My boss needs it in two days! I have to retype it!" "Stupid Earth gadgets," he heard his father mutter. "Why, in my day we didn't rely on such stupid machines to get the work done..." "Oh, Shut up, Henry!" his wife snapped. "Can't you see Chippy is happy with his job here on Earth." "So how long do you plan on staying?" the Bounty Hunter asked. "Oh, just a few years or so," his mother replied. "Uh, well, the thing is that I got to be back at work on Monday...." he began. "Oh, you're so funny, Chippy," his mother laughed. "We haven't seen you in so long! You make such jokes about not wanting to see us...you DO want to see us don't you?" "Of course," he lied. "You can visit for as long as you want." "I'm hungry!" Amelia screamed, kicking the Bounty Hunter in the shin. "I want something to eat!" "There's cereal in the cupboard," he said. "Help yourself." "I want cookies!" she shouted. "Give me cookies!" "I don't have ANY," the Bounty Hunter said. "I've got non-fat, low-sodium crackers..." "COOKIES!!!!!" Amelia yelled. "Maybe someone should run out and get her some," his mom suggested. "I'd go, but you know my bad back and all..." They all looked at the Hunter. "Oh alright," he grumbled. He took a step outside and it started raining. "Of course," he mumbled to himself. "Chippy!" his mother called out. "Amelia wants to come too!" "I want those," Amelia stated, pointing to a large bag of Oreos. "Alright," the Bounty Hunter said, throwing them into his cart. "That way easy." "Uncle Chippy," she asked. "Push me in the cart!" "No..." he said. "We're going now." "Push me!" Amelia stamped her foot, the promise of a temper-tantrum glowing in her eyes. "Okay," he said, picking her up and placing her in the shopping cart. "Now run really fast!" she ordered. "I can't do that!" he said. "It's too crowded." And that's when the waterworks started. "Shhh," the Hunter tried to calm her. "I'll get you some more cookies if you stop crying." She kept on wailing like a fire engine. "You're mean!" she yelled. "I want my mommy!" "We're going to see her now," he insisted. "Just stop crying." Amelia continued bawling, causing the other customers to turn their heads and stare. "Come one," he urged. "People are looking." The tears kept going. "Look here's a bag of "Chunk's Ahoy"! Just shut up now, would you!!!!!" "What kind of father are you?" a voice snapped. "You can't tell your daughter to shut up!" "She's not my daughter," the Bounty Hunter shot back. "She's my niece!" "That still doesn't give you the right to yell at her!" another woman joined in. "It's men like you that give us single fathers a bad name!" "Child-abuse!" "Look, she's my sister's kid," the Bounty Hunter said, backing away from the angry crowd that was gathering. "Did you get the cookies alright?" Antasia asked, as her brother limped inside the house with Amelia in toe. "Yes," he said, dumping a grocery bad on the table. "You got twenty-six bags!" his mother exclaimed. "Don't you think you're spoiling her?" "Yes," the Bounty Hunter grumbled, searching through his freezer for an ice bag. "What happened to you?" his father laughed, noticing the black eye and bloody lip his son had. "Some women at the supermarket and I had some creative differences about child discipline," he moaned, flopping down in his favorite chair. "AHHHHHHH!" he screamed, looking around. "What did you do??!" "Do you like it?" his mom asked. "I thought pink was a more soothing color than dark green. Besides, it'll be nice when you do finally settle down and raise a family." "I'm never having kids," he said, looking at Amelia. "Oh," his mother smiled sweetly. "I took the liberty of dulling those ice-picks." "What?" The Bounty Hunter said, sitting up. "Don't get mad, Chippy," she replied. "You could have poked an eye out with one of those things." "Number one, mom," he retorted. "My name is Chip. Not Chippy. Chip. Second of all, it's a stiletto not an ice-pick and third of all they're supposed to be sharp! That's the point!" "There's no need to yell," his father interrupted. "Your mother was just being helpful." "Let me make it up to you," she apologized. "I bet you haven't had a woman's home-cooked meal in ages." "Yeah, alright," he gave in. "I don't like this, mommy!" Amelia grumbled, jabbing a fork into her meat and vegetables. "Now, gramma worked hard to make this," Antasia said. "Try it." "No!" Amelia shrieked, throwing the bowl. It launched right into the Bounty Hunter's face, sending food everywhere. "That's it!" he shouted, gravy dripping down his cheek. "You all are leaving first thing Monday morning!" "Don't be so harsh!" his sister exclaimed. "She didn't mean it." "Look, I'm sorry about the ice-picks," his mom added. "STILETTOS!" he shouted, storming off. "S-T-I-L-E-T-T-O-S!!!" "Could you sleep on the couch tonight," his mother called after him. "Your father and I have already unpacked in your room and Antasia and Amelia will stay in the spare." "The spare?" he questioned. "I don't have a...oh no! Not my study!" "Come on, Chippy," his father patted him on the back. "They won't do anything to it." "It's Chip," the Bounty Hunter corrected. He lay awake on the couch, staring at the pink ceiling and listening to the snoring that filled the house. "Now I remember why I ran away from home in the first place," he thought. "AAAHHHHH!" a loud scream woke him up. "AAAHHHHH!" "What is it?" he asked, falling off the couch and hitting the floor with a thud. "That damned contraption!" Antasia yelled back. "It shoots fire!" "Whaaa?" he groaned, stumbling to his feet. "I tried to dry the dishes and that THING burnt me!" "That's the oven," the Bounty Hunter sighed. "I don't own a dishwasher. You just broke my only set of dishes." "It could have killed me!" Antasia said. "And I had a problem with the television." "I'm afraid to ask," he said, putting his head in his hands. "MY COMPUTER!" The Hunter yelled. "Now how am I going to retype my report!" "Y'know," his father started, coming out of his room. "My friends and I beat any man who dared talk to women the way you're talking to your sister at the moment." "Well, this isn't the war, dad," he growled. "It's my house." "Ingrate," his dad grumbled. "You were an accident anyways." "And in conclusion, the bees carrying the smallpox..." "Watcha writing Uncle Chippy?" Amelia peered over his shoulder. "A copy of the document you ate," he answered. "Can I have a cookie?" she asked. "Go bother your mother," the Bounty Hunter ordered. "She's helping Gramma fix your study," the girl replied. "What's wrong with my study?" he asked coldly. "I had an accident last night. All over the rug." "My $2000 Oriental!" he groaned, snapping the pen he held in his hand. The ink splashed on the paper, ruining the report. "Chippy," Antasia asked, tapping his shoulder. "What is it?" he snarled, turning around. "Could you look after Amelia for a while. Take her somewhere. Mom, dad and I are going sightseeing." "Take her with you," the Bounty Hunter replied. "Please," his sister begged. "She needs a good male role-model ever since her father..." He rolled his eyes, but grabbed his car keys. "If it will shut them up," he thought. "Uncle Chippy, can we see the giraffes?" Amelia asked. "Yes," he panted, trying to keep up with her. "And it's Chip!" 12 hours, 18 animal bites, and $300 later... "It's 8:55, Amelia," the Hunter yawned. "The zoo closes in 5 minutes." "I wanna stay!" she whined. "It's closing," he pleaded. "I've bought you souvenirs, paid $80 for lunch and walked 6 miles with you just to see the freakin' giraffes, what more do you want! Now come on, we're going!" He dragged her kicking and screaming to the car. She bit his hand hard and he dropped her. Amelia grabbed the keys from him and raced into the car, locking the doors, just as the rain started up again. "Let me in!" he ordered. "Now!" She shook her head, rolled over and went to sleep. The Next Morning... "Where were you guys?" his mother exclaimed, as he stepped into the house, a sleeping Amelia in one hand and a stiletto lodged in his back. "This monster locked me out of the car," he growled.. "Why didn't you call the police?" his mother asked. "I did," he replied. "They just let me go now. After eight hours of questioning. They thought I kidnapped her." He tossed Amelia into Antasia's open arms. "What about the ice-pick, Chippy?" his father questioned. "She found it in the glove compartment of the car and stabbed me with it," he replied. "And it's a stiletto. And my name isn't Chippy or Chipmeister or Chip. It's The Bounty Hunter and I want you out of my house now!!!!!!!!" There was a knock at the front door. "MIB!" a voice yelled. "We know you're in there." "Open up!" The knob turned and in stepped three agents. "These four are illegal aliens," one said. "We're sorry, Hunter, we know they're your family and all, but rules are rules." "We have to deport them," the other joined in. "Send 'em back to their home planet." "Take them!" he exclaimed. "And make sure you muzzle the brat!" "Wow!" the third agent gasped. "He cut his family visit short, just like that!" "He's one of Cancerman's boys," the other replied. "They're well disciplined. Tough as nails. They never break under pressure." The Bounty Hunter glanced around the house. Somehow the thought of another Monday morning at work didn't sound so bad after all. The End "Everything Dies"-The Mighty Morphin' Bounty Hunter |