Title: Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
Author: Dramaphile
Author's Page: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/13825/
Category: X-Files
Genre: Humor/Parody
Written: 05/20/2001
Words: 1198
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Reyes, Doggett, Scully, Mulder, and Skinner are not mine. The baby is mine for the sole fact that at this exact hour(3:09 pm PST), the X Baby has not been born in the X files universe. I own the Innkeeper, the Hookers, the Sheep farmers, Cow the Dog, the Truck Guy, and anyone else you've don't recognize.
Spoilers: Major spoilers for Essence. If you haven't seen it , you'll be much confused. This comes directly after that episode.

Summary: a Slightly biblical version of the events surrounding the X baby's birth. Crackfic

Author's Notes: CC has been waay too Biblical with 8th season what with Resurrections and Virgin Conceptions (if I know CC, that's what he'll claim it was...) and the Child who will save the world (gee, wonder who that is?) This is my prediction of how the birth will go. Don't take this seriously and don't take it as a satirical commentary on Christianity or something because it so isn't! This is a Parody, that's it. Oh, BTW, there is actually a town called Bethlehem in Pennsylvania... trippy, ain't it?

Agent Reyes was hardly paying attention to the road as she drove at breakneck speeds down the dark highway. She'd been driving for over 5 hours now and had no intention of stopping anytime soon.

"Agent Reyes?"

Scully rubbed her distended belly nervously.

"Yes, Agent Scully?"

"We're going to need to stop soon."


"I'm going to have this baby."

"No freakin Way!!"

Scully rolled her eyes and flinched as she felt another contraction coming on.

"I've been in labor for a good 4 hours and my contractions are 5 minutes apart and getting closer."

Reyes tightened her grip on the steering wheel and sped even faster down the road, hoping to find someplace to stop soon.

Suddenly on the horizon, a star appeared, shining brightly.

Well, it didn't really shine per say, more like glow and flicker in a sickly neon yellow. Underneath the star were the words "Bethlehem Star Inn."

She sped towards the star as Scully put to use her Lamaze training to use. As soon as the car was parked, Monica sprinted into the Hotel's Lobby and stopped at the front desk.

"I-need-a-room-quick!" she said between breaths.

The innkeeper looked up from his computer annoyedly.

"The sign says 'no vacancies'"

Reyes wasn't about to take an attitude like that.

"Look, I'm an FBI agent and there's a woman in my car about to give birth. We can't take her to a hospital due to top secret government reasons so I *need* a room!"

The man wasn't impressed with her badge.

"Sorry lady, but there's no room in this inn."

"Please sir-"

"Look, it's the annual Bethlehem sheep festival and my inn is full of sheep farmers. I've got nothing for you."

A man in his pajamas happened to be downstairs looking for the ice machine and couldn't help overhearing.

"You wanna use my truck bed? You'd have to share it with my dog and a couple bales of hay, but-"

"We'll take it!"

Reyes and the Man helped Scully into the truck bed.

A large Dalmatian peeked out of the truck cab, watching Scully and Reyes carefully.

"That's my Dog, Cow. He's harmless, don't worry about him."

It wasn't too long before the wails of a healthy baby boy were heard in the parking lot.

A couple of professional escorts from the Heavenly Hosting Service heard the crying and went to see the baby. After several minutes of cooing and generalized baby gawking, they introduced themselves as Angel and Seraphim.

"What a sweet little baby! We've got to tell the shepherds abiding their flocks in the fields."

"There are shepherds?"

Nobody had told Scully about the sheep festival.


"Oh yeah, they're just across the road in that field watching the flocks by night."
Mike Untouya was on sheep watch that night and he watched the two Heavenly Hosts approach the field, the neon lights of the star glinting off their vinyl dresses, creating a blinding halo around them.

"Hey Untouya," Angel shouted.


"Untouya, a child's been born!"

"No freakin way!"

Out of the truck bed came Monica Reyes' voice.

"Hey, that's my line!!"


She shepherds deserted their flocks for a moment to ooh and ah over the uber-Scully.

Mulder, Doggett and Skinner arrived from the east in Skinner's gigantic Ford Expedition. They had seen the Star and Mulder took it for a sign.

It was a sign, one that said "Bethlehem Star Inn." But Mulder imagined it meant something more that just that, something more than just an Inn.

They parked their SUV and went into the front office.

The innkeeper was annoyed to be awoken at such a late hour.

"Don't you people read the sign? It says 'No Vacancies'!"

Doggett flashed his Badge, as did Skinner. Mulder felt left out, so he flashed his 24 Hour Fitness membership card.

"Have you seen a very pregnant redheaded woman come through here?"


"How about a frantic looking brunette, says 'no freakin way' an awful lot?"

"oh, the rude one! I sent her to the parking lot."

"The parking lot?"

"Look, there's no room in this inn!! Get out of here, all of you!!"

Mulder, Doggett and Skinner sulked out of the office and searched the parking lot.

Meanwhile, Cow the dog was lowing-er-howling and the baby awoke, but little uber-Scully no crying did he make.

The three men followed the howling and found the baby and Scully.

After a brief reunion and some baby gawking, Mulder spoke to skinner.

"Go out to the car and get Gary, Frank and Ed."

"Gary, Frank and Ed?" Asked Scully, slightly confused.

"Gary Gold is a friend of Doggett's and a Doctor. We brought him to check you and the baby out to make sure you're okay. Frank Incense is an expert with Computer hacking. He can get us in and out of any system and off of any surveillance tapes. Ed Murray is a bodyguard, he goes by Murr. I hired him to protect you and the baby in case something happened to me or Doggett until we can get you someplace safe."

"Dr. Gold, Frank Incense, and Murr. Well, if you trust them I guess I will."

"Mulder stroked his small son's head and smiled warmly.

"What are you going to call him?"


Cow's Barking interrupted her. More shepherds and Heavenly Hosts had arrived to see the new baby. She marveled at her situation, giving birth in the back of a truck amongst hay bales, a dog named Cow, shepherds and a couple of hookers and Smiled at her newborn son, wrapped in an old flannel shirt.

"I shall call him Jeremy."


My god, that was cheesy! Hope you found it slightly amusing!

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