Title: Bearing Crosses
Author: SueBee
Written: October 2000
Classification: V, A, RST
Spoilers: Through season 7 and "Requiem"
Archive: Yes to Spooky's and Gossamer, and anyone who might want it. If possible, drop me a line and let me know where it is going.
Disclaimer: Not mine

Summary: There is a thin line between joy and pain. Sometimes, both are felt at the same time.

Author's Notes: Thanks to Cal for her beta services. Thanks, as always, to my shipper friends at the Haven. This one is a bit different from my other stories so I hope you enjoy it.


Tears of joy. Tears of grief. Tears of confusion. She had cried for each of these reasons at one time or another but today was different. Today she had shed tear after tear for all of these reasons. Her joy and grief battled for her attention until confusion, and finally, acceptance, overtook her.

Scully's head thudded in the aftermath of too much crying and not enough rest. Though her limbs felt heavy, her swollen eyes refused to give in and close the rest of the way. Her shaky fingers traced the base of her neck where her cross used to reside.

She sank her head deeper into the pillow as she willed her body to succumb to the incredible fatigue she felt. Her mind wandered to thoughts left unguarded in the alluring twilight that precedes sleep.

I hardly had a chance to love you before you were taken from me. How do I deal with this new life growing inside of me when I couldn't keep you safe? Placing my cross around your neck was a symbol of my faith, my love, and every ounce of strength I ever had. Why couldn't I protect you?

"It's okay, Mommy. I had to go."

Scully sat up with a start and watched the little girl climb on the bed with her. She chased her voice as it tried to elude her.

"Emily?"

She replied in her soft, clear voice, "I'm right here, Mommy."

Scully closed her eyes immediately and took deep calculated breaths to soothe her overtaxed nerves. When she risked looking up, instead of finding an empty room, Scully was met with a three-year-old girl eying her curiously.

"This isn't real. You're...you're gone. I'm dreaming this."

Emily placed her chubby little hand on Scully's slightly swollen stomach. Rubbing it a bit, she smiled.

"You loved me a lot, didn't you?"

An ache tingled through her chest as the emotions she felt for her first child rose to the surface.

"I did. I do. You know that, don't you?"

Afraid that the little girl would vanish into thin air, Scully quickly grabbed on to her hand.

"I know."

The child pointed to her heart and said, "I feel it here. It feels nice. That's why I'm here. I want you to feel nice too, Mommy. I want to make it better."

"What do you mean, Emily?"

Tiny fingers traced the tear-stained trails on Scully's cheeks.

"He isn't with me."

"Where is he?"

Emily nodded toward the window.

"Your friend, Mr. Fox, is with them."

A breath hitched in her throat as grief climbed to the top of the emotion pile.

"I lost him too. I couldn't protect him."

The little girl's other hand came up in a miniature frame around Scully's face.

"He's okay. He wants to come home. Your necklace tells him that."

A few fresh tears rolled on to the little fingers.

Emily stared down at Scully's midsection.

"He shares your new baby, huh, Mommy?"

Scully tentatively rubbed her hand over her belly.

"He needs to know. He has to."

Emily gave her tummy a final pat and clamored off of the bed.

"He's coming. He has to do something first."

"What does he have to do?"

The child shrugged in a noncommittal, three-year-old's way.

"I don't know. You just have to wait."

"Wait? How long?"

Emily walked toward the bedroom door and turned around.

"I have to go back now, Mommy."

Reaching out, Scully called.

"Wait! Don't go yet."

"I have to. Hold on to him Mommy. He belongs here."

Scully drew in a deep breath, and when she opened her eyes, saw the timid hues of dawn filtering into her room.

Her hand curled instinctively around her stomach as she thought about how to hold on.

As morning snuck in around her, a small smile of determination finally graced her face. Staring out the window at the approaching new day, she whispered to the world.

"I will find him. He has the strength of my beliefs."

The End

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