A Wench's Guide to Football by Scifinerdgrl

Listen up, ladies! I grew up with brothers, male cousins, male
second-cousins and male children-of-family friends... and NO FREAKING
GIRLS!!! So y'all are my only sisters! *throws smooches* And in the
spirit of sisterly guidance, I will share with you what I have
learned about football, having been forced to watch it and play it
with all those boys...

First, there are two teams. And each of those teams has three teams.
They each have offensive, defensive, and special teams. You can
figure out which are which by looking closely at their butts.

Things start off with the offensive team and defensive team lining up
opposite each other, each in two parallel lines. They bend over, with
their hands on the ground, so you can get a good view of their butts.
This is how they make sure you know which team is which.

First, there is the offensive team. I don't know why they're called
offensive. They don't spit or scratch their asses any more than the
other teams... but that's sports for you. These are the guys to
watch. They have the best butts.

First, there's the quarterback. He's the most important player
because his butt is to die for. There are four quarters, and each
team's quarterback gets to play in each quarter. This makes no sense
at all, but nobody who loves a good butt will ever complain. This guy
gets to play with the football first because everybody on the team
recognizes the greatness of his butt. Sometimes he runs with it, but
usually he throws it to the guy with the second-best butt.

The guy with the second-best butt is the running back. He doesn't
have boils or open sores on his back, but he's called a running back
because the other guys are jealous of his butt, I guess. I mean, he
always runs forward, never back. Anyway, after he gets the ball, he
runs as far away from the other guys as he can. If he gets as far as
the clothespole at the end of the field, the other guys from his team
are obligated to pat his butt in acknowledgment of his glutteal
superiority.

The opposing team is called the defensive team. These guys are big,
and they have big butts too, but they're also buff. If they knew how
much we women appreciate their butts they wouldn't be so defensive,
but that's sports for ya! They also seem to be jealous of the
quarterback & the running back. Their main job it to knock the pretty
boys on their asses. They also try to steal the football from them, I
guess because the pretty boys don't want to ruin their pants-lines
with pockets for lunch money. If one of the big guys gets hold of the
football he will try to run toward *his* team's clothespole to show
*his* team's offensive team that *he* has a first-class butt! Even if
he doesn't make it all the way to the clothespole, the offensive team
from his side will come out onto the field and pat his butt.

When this happens it's called a conversion, I think, although there
isn't any praying, hymn-singing or dunking.

At this point, the offensive team gets defensive, so to speak, and
they shoo the defensive team off the field because they need to prove
that *they* have the best butts. When the other side's defensive team
sees this they cop an attitude and shoo *their* offensive team off
the field so they can kick some pretty boy ass.

And so it goes, back and forth, each side trying to prove they have
the best butts.

Now, there are also special teams. I don't know why they're called
special, because none of these guys is crippled or retarded. Well,
sometimes the kicker can't speak English but I don't think that's why
they're called "special."

There are a bunch of guys on these teams, but the only one who
matters is the kicker. His butt rocks! But if you look really
closely, you can tell that one asscheek is bigger than the other.
That's because his job is to kick the football over the clothespole,
and he always uses the same foot. Sometimes when he kicks the ball
over the clothespole it's worth one point, and sometimes it's worth
three points. Either way, the other guys on his side are obligated to
acknowledge the fineness of his butt, even the quarterback. If he
doesn't kick the ball far enough, sometimes the bullies on the other
side will grab it and run towards him. Then the kicker runs away like
a wussy while the bullies on his side try to grab the ball away from
the bullies on the other side. No matter which group of bullies gets
the ball, though, the offensive team from their side will take
over... unless the bullies run all the way to the clothespole, in
which case the other team's pretty boys take over. It seems
ass-backward but that's sport for ya.

The game ends about twenty minutes after the two-minute warning. They
know that women are watching their butts so they give us a warning to
tell us we need to get out of the ladies' room if we want a last
look. Of course, there's always a long line in the ladies' room, so
they give us those other eighteen minutes just in case.

Sometimes there's a tie at the end of the fourth quarter, so they go
into overtime. Even though there's more butt-watching ahead, ladies,
just take my advice and leave. The guys in the stands get WAY too
excited over this best- butt competition during overtime, and
frankly, it's embarrassing. Tell your man you're having a female
crisis then go. If he hears you at all he won't mind. By this time
his self-image of his own butt is tied up with his team's
quarterback's butt, and he is completely irrational. If he is at home
he will even take the potato chip bowl off his belly because he has
started to believe he has washboard abs too.

After the game is over, the guy with the best butt gets hoisted onto
the shoulders of the guys with pretty-good butts, and they will pour
champagne over his head. The other team's guys will go to their
locker room to get their butts chewed out by their coach. I don't
know what this means. I'm afraid to ask.