The Very Secret Letters of DD & CC Rating: PG-13 Summary: Co-written by several people on the X-Files Official Site. After the announcement that David Duchovny would be returning for the series finale, he and Chris Carter exchange ideas about its story, among other things. Dear Chris: I've heard you're finally canceling the show. It's about time, don't you think? I've been awfully busy lately, but maybe I can give you a hand. Love, David **************** Dear David: I hate you. Let's do lunch. Love, Chris ****************** Dear Chris: Lunch was great. I'm still a very busy person and am recovering from that rash from all that ass paint, but might be interested in helping you out. How's Gillian? That lesbian thing's really working for her, huh? Love, Dave ****************** Dear Dave: Am glad we could come to some sort of agreement. Will notify Fox we will pay you $450 million to write and direct. What are your prelim ideas? Love, Chris ****************** Dear Chris: What I see is this: Mulder returns and saves the world. And maybe Scully is there, too. Love, Dave ***************** Dear Dave: This idea has promise but needs fleshing out. Did I mention that huge $$$ I get for snagging you for finale? Am buying new surfboards - life is good! Oh, what about Doggett and that other girl? Love, Chris ***************** Dear Chris: See, Mulder comes back and says all these clever things, you know, like he always does. And Scully is there. And what about that kid? Must give Doggett and that other chick some thought. Until later, Dave ********************************* Dear Dave, I've been thinking. Maybe you should do something to avoid writing about the kid. He can't talk yet anyway, so writing anything worth saying for him is a total waste of time. I know, I've tried. I'd like to see the skinny chick on the beach, you know, soaking wet. And cold. Maybe in nothing but a white Tee Shirt. But that's just me. Frank would never agree to it. He's such a pansy, spoiling all the fun. I'll talk to Gillian to see if she'll give up being a lesbian for the Episode you are doing. I know how much you hated it when she spit and said "eeeww, like gross" after that last time you kissed her. Catch you later, Chris **************************** Dear Chris: Those are all good ideas. Maybe CSM could kidnap the kid and Krycek could shove them down a flight of stairs - this would really give Gilian a chance to shine, before we cut to me saving the world. That chick would look totally hot on the beach. And maybe Mitch could be there, too, playing volleyball with his shirt off. . . Gotta go. Dave ********************************** Dear Dave, I'm really excited that you like the idea about the chick on the beach. Just be sure you learn her name before we start filming, she doesn't seem to like it when I call her "my little hot tamale". Stuck up B*tch. Anyway, if you can squeeze CSM and Krychek in that's great, just remember that they're already dead. Not that that's ever been a problem before. Cheers, Chris ****************************************** Dear Chris, I like the idea of Krycek and CSM being dead. Maybe they can fall out of the closet ONTO the hot chick... Just throwing ideas around... Your ole' pal, Dave. ************************************** Dear Dave, I'm not sure a three way with 2 dead guys coming out of the closet is the way to go. I know FOX allows total cheap ratings shots but... I have my doubts about it. If you do it well, you could save the franchise with a threeway between 2 bisexual dead guys and a nearly naked skinny chick in a clingy wet Teeshirt. Would have more passion between Annabelle and the dead guys than you and the lezzie anyway... I'll get back to you on that one, CC ********************************** Dear Chris, I just want to say no hard feelings about the lawsuit and that legal stuff a while back. My agent says he can get me a role in the next David Spade movie with the working title Box Office Bomb but I might have to take a supporting role. Anyhoo, when do we start the next movie? I'm raring to go! Love, David *********************************** Dear Chris, The bisexual dead guys thing was my idea, and don't you forget it. I'm thinking comic books. I'm thinking action figures. I could make a fortune. Dave P.S. I've stuck my tongue down Angelina Jolie's throat. Who's tonsils have *you* licked lately? ************************************** Dear Dave, You've stuck your tongue down AJ's throat but so has her brother. At least she got paid for it in your case. Just remember, the show is my creation and I will make a fortune no matter how screwy and off base your story is. You get residuals on shows (HA) and I get everything off of everything else. Everytime the 13 year old Shippers make their Mulder and Scully Barbies kiss, I make friggin money and you look like a prepubescent girl's lust toy. So don't start getting your "too good for this attitude or I'll make sure you suffer on the cutting room floor. Gotta run, don't try anything Candy pants CC ************************************** Dear CC, Just don't forget who made your little show a hit - me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me! Your little project was just my stepping stone to a $20 million-per-picture career as a romantic leading man. Of course, my intellect and business savvy have led me in other directions, and my documentary about amateur basketball games will squash your future projects in the ratings. But seeing as I'm a great guy, and loved by all, I'd be happy to let you lend a hand to the script for a future picture, or maybe a documentary about surfing. And next time I do the casting -- no lesbian beginners with surreal hair colors. Your friend, David ************************************ Dear Christopher *SENSORED* Carter, You've convinved me that I'm the show and that it cannot servive with- out me and my witty ways I'm tempted to make you get on your knees and beg me to return to you,but not in public chris,I want to drain you of everything I can get for this gig on these conditions though will I only agree 1)I will make a cameo appearance 2)it will be brief and short I charge 2 million$ a minute 3)to make sure you dont cheat me I'll have the clock ticking while I'm onscreen just like keifer has on "24" 4) and we'll call cuts every one of those minutes so I can get several personal cheques with your signature and cash them on the spot. and finally 5)Your driving yourself to work,I wont be your get to work horse just so you can ride me out like you have the past 8 years worth of fridays and sundays. From:.....I think you know who....-_- ********************************************* Dear Dave, How did we get back to this petty fighting? You need Mulder, and I need a way out of the mess you created when you left. It's the least you can do for the people that may pay to see you in the future. They've made us rich, we should throw them a bone on the way out. Trust me, next time I start a series, "no lesbian beginners with surreal hair colors". Sooner or later they want to totally rewrite their part and make the show more "sensitive". I'll just check your list of "Babes before Tea" and ask you their natural color ok? Before you go play a Mulderwanna be with yet another pushy redhead, for LESS than 20 Mil, please remember that before my show you were known as a bit part cross-dresser and the host of a pay channel soft porn show. Oh yeah, and Mimi picked you for her art film boy toy because you had a cute butt. But, I digress, clearly your days as a marketable leading man are numbered, you're no Sean Connery. Hell you're not even as hot as Mitch. Can you pump some iron before we start filming? Just thinking out loud, Chris ************************************************* Dear Chris, Millions of rabid teenage girls can't be wrong -- I still have it! As you've probably heard, my very lovely, very heterosexual, wife, is pregnant with our second child. So, naturally, money is an issue for us right now. So here's my idea: I write, direct, produce, and star in the finale, using my own ideas about the mytharc. I get paid separately for each of these job titles. In addition, Standards and Practices needs to be bought off to let me show my ass in at least one scene. That's my offer. Take it or leave it. Gotta go. My daughter's naming her poopies again. She's so cute! Devotedly, David ************************************* Dear Dave, I can see why you'd want full creative control over the show - with your ass-obsession you're going to need all the money you can horde away for when your children are in therapy. As it stands, however, there's been a recent surge of interest in seeing the asses of Bob and Mitch. Seeing as your fans have seen your ass, I feel it would be in our best interests to have a scene in which Mitch and Bob be stripped naked and decontaminated. I have an idea: there's been an expressed interest in seeing a hot and heavy make-out scene between you and Nick. So if you want to show your ass, I'm going to have to insist that Nick be *CENSORED* it. I see potential for this to be the finale to end all finales. Naked Bob and Mitch, the resolution of the MKR and an orgy between Gillian, Annabeth and possibly Cher, if we can get her signed on for a guest appearance. Take it or leave it, Dave. Chris P.S. Way to knock Tea up. ************************************* Dear Dave, In case you have forgotten, I signed your checks for a long time. If you and your lovely wife have plowed through millions paying for mineral spirits to scrub the paint off your butt, that's your fault. So now that you've revealed your true motive for coming back (too poor to pay for your kid's poopies being bronzed with nameplates) I think we're in our true negotiating positions. You can co-write, co-produce and appear in the finale. Depending on how buff you are, you can show your ass, but not with paint on it. And I want to see Annamaria's breast through a wet Tee Shirt. Maybe she can save you from killer whales and you loose your pants. Or you can drag Annakin from a public fountain after her bra spontaineously combusts. You figure that part out. I think you see my vision here. And MY vision is what counts. Surfs Up! Later Dude, CC ************************************** Dear Chris, I did NOT knock Tea up. You make it sound so crude and animalistic. The child is a beautiful expression of our love. Damn, Tea looks hot in leather. And her boobs are huge! But, back to the point, I insist that I will be the only ass showing in the finale. But the possibility of 2 guys coming back from the dead consumating their lust is really exciting. I'll get back to you about the Cher thing. Maybe Ann Heche instead to keepthe audience guessing who's going to get lucky. Ivy League Basketball is on Channel 147, those white guys can really play! Dave ********************************************* Dear Dave, You still have not addressed the issue of your buffness. This is a quality show, with quality production values. If your ass is flabby I do NOT want it on the show. Robert's far more buff than you have ever been, and our audience has come to expect a certain level of beefcake over the past year. If he doesn't show his ass, you don't show yours either, that's final. As for Nic and Bill coming back for a lustfest, well, how can we do that without showing their asses? Standards and Practices will go for asses, but we can't do kissing, so unless you have another idea, we'll go with asses in the shower. Which one drops the soap is up to you. Annamarie's wet T-shirt scene is all set with her agent. She doesn't care if it's a straight or gay scene as long as it's all wet. Her people only ask that she not be shown doing any dancing. Gillie's people are down with a lesbian scene, but not with Annamay. How about a butch cellmate for her? Just some thoughts. I'm glad we're coming to an agreement here. Keep that stairmaster going! --Chris ****************************** Dear Chris, My ass is VERY buff thank you very much. Just ask Julia Roberts. I'm in her next film you know. And Jodie Foster wants me in a bad way. (OK, Tea thinks Jodie wants me because I know Gillian, but that's another story) Anyway, I've checked out Robert's ass, and you're right, the guy's been working out. You missed a real opportunity to showcase his assets when the mermaid chick rescued him. Not that I've been watching or anything, I read about it at the Xena Web Site. Anyway, to please one faction of the fan base, we could have Robert and AnnaBarbara get hosed down with some Alien slime and then they BOTH have to take off their shirts? Maybe Mitch could be with them, so another fan base would get their cookies at the same time. Am I a genius or what? Now, about that dye-job harpie, she seems to think she's the star now, which in my opinion is the downfall of the show, because everyone knows that I am the star even if I'm not there. We need her for any movies so we can't kill her off. (Damn it) I think your idea about a butch cell mate is on track, but it needs to be someone the male audience would enjoy watch slapping Gilly stupid. That would be just about anyone for most, but I'm thinking Pam Anderson or some other bunny turned actress. Nic and Bill don't have to show any ass. I think the mystery and implications are more powerful than actual skin showing, and I have reason to believe that Nic's ass is almost as cute as mine, so I refuse to do a nude scene with him. If you insist on showing his ass, we could do something between Nic and AnnaNicole. She seems like a good sport, and is willing to play for either team for that last paycheck. Must run, Tea needs help hanging soe of my art work. Later, Dave ***************************************** Dear Dave, That's a good call on the Nic's ass thing; we don't need to see it. You put Patrick in and you can get bare too. That's official. Shiban's having a sh*t he's so excited about it. Got my guys to call Pamela Anderson's guys, and it seems that she's on some sightseeing tour down the Rhone. We left an email for her at Lake Geneva, so the big slap seen might still be a go. I thought maybe we could get Chuck Bronson to do a stint as the jail keeper, do the shoot in Mexico, and he could accidentally leave his bullwhip in the cell. What do ya think? Anyway, gotta go now. Burt is coming over to redecorate the powder room at the guesthouse. Talk at cha, Chris *************************************** Dear Chris, The bullwhip touch is just what we need to put real tension into the scene. I hope Frank doesn't get all sqeemish on us again. What's up with him, he doesn't hesitate to behead people, but flash a little T&A and he's a total nimrod. Makes me think he doesn't like hot babes in sexually degrading situations. That reminds me, I'm going to have to touch the shrew at least once to please the shippery people, so can you think of a nice way to ask her to shave those pits. I don' care what she does in her off time, but I prefer girly girls, if you know what I mean. I've been trying to figure out the best way to get MaryBeth in a wet tee shirt for you, I have some kinks to work out, but I'm well on the way. I'll give you a clue: a one handed baby oil rub down:) Now that I have your attention, I'm out of here. Dave ************************************* Dear David, You use your imagination like you do the roll of toilet paper you keep behind your bedpost for "sneezing" at night. I could write the scene with the wet tee shirt blindfolded. If I weren't so busy hanging the new drapes in here I'd help you out. About the redhead, just practice keeping the vision of Anna in the tee shirt in your mind, and keep your eyes closed. Don't sweat it, I promise you won't have to see the tart off set. Spotz is coming over for a 'tini later, are you a do for dinner? Burt's got tight buns, Chris ***************************************** Dear Chris, I received your e-mail concerning a guest appearance on the X-Files. I'm flattered, really, but unfortunately my schedule is pretty full at the moment. 'MacGyver Returns' starts filming next week and I'm busy honing my survival skills and loading up on paper clips. The chance to work with Chuck is very tempting but I'm afraid I'll have to pass. Maybe Loni Anderson is available? Respectfully Yours, Richard Dean Anderson *************************************** Dear Chris, I hear Jenny McCarthy is available -- can we work her into the lesbian cellmate scene? Okay, so she's not butch, but she'll do anything, and it's not going to be easy finding a woman in Hollywood who will degrade herself for a bit part on a TV show. You still haven't agreed on the carrot-top's pits. I feel the character of Mulder would never allow himself to be intimate with a woman who has more armpit hair than he does. It wouldn't be true to the character, or fair to the audience. Chris, you have invested too much into these characters to allow armpit hair to destroy their credibility. For the sake of artistic integrity, if you can't guarantee hairless pits, I'll have to withdraw my offer to rescue your career. --Dave p.s. want me to help you paint your powder room? **************************************** Dear David, Now that you bring up the arti$try viewpoint, I definitely have to agree with you. I don't want to lo$e the finely tuned aura we've created here. I'll give Shiban a call, get him to stop by the 7-eleven today and get a couple of bic disposables. You think they sell Nair there? Anyway, I got just two words for the jail scene for ya. . . LONI ANDERSON. She'll bring the proper Nazi look you've been searching for. (I must have emailed the whole damn book of Andersons-just couldn't remember that name) It's all good. How big is your brush? Burt only brought a little one. Chris ****************************************** Chris-- Loni Anderson? Did Burt put you up to this? I know he's struggling with the alimony and child support and all, but finding work for his ex is a little extreme, don't you think? I could see her as maybe a madame in a brothel, but not a butch cellmate for Red. If you don't like Jenny McCarthy, how about Rosie O'Donnell? She's too sweet to be butch, but she's a damn fine actress, especially compared to Gillian Amateur. And along these prison lines, I think this story is developing nicely. If I must kiss the Evil One, can we situate it in a prison visiting area, through a one-inch sheet of bulletproof plexiglass? I've already written the scene for Anna-jo and Robert at the beach. They'll be dragged into the sea by a monster, of course, but first he'll show his ass and her T-shirt will get wet. Sound good to you? My offer to paint was rather cheeky, I admit. But you should consider the value of an authentic butt-painting would add to the value of your house. Of course, I can paint with my *ahem* brush also. Tea and I have been working on some designs here at my house already. Ciao --Dave *************************************** Dear Dave, No Rosie, she's fresh out of the closet and we'll be accused of pandering to something by someone, or it will be called a ratings stunt by those idiots on the internet. Could we talk Mimi into playing a clone of Diana? That would be so cool because with out the pumps Gilly gets poked in the eyes by Mimi's boobs. BTW, What a brilliant idea, kissing the little dyke through prison glass. The Shippers will get a kiss of sorts and those stupid MASHEOists will be thrilled that no actual contact is involved. Also Gilly won't feel the need to puke after you stick your tongue in her mouth. A win-win situation. The beach scene with Robert and Sallybeth sounds promising too. Can you fix it so that the sea monster cops a feel? Must run, the tide's coming in, Chris ************************************* Dear Chris, I'm so relieved you like the prison glass idea. As for the prison dyke, well, cast who you like then. I just didn't want to see Loni Anderson in the part. A blonde would be good, though. We haven't had one of them except for Agent Harrison. Jenny McCarthy in a hot lesbian scene has been a personal fantasy of mine, but I'm negotiable on that point. After all, with my production company coming along, I can produce a feature with her and Tea and.... wait, now what were we talking about? Oh, yes, the plot! Well, I have an idea for Robert and Annasuebethmarie's beach scene. In the long tradition of X-Files scripts, I'll just rip off a fanfic story from the OS. There's one where an octopus rapes Monica and she delivers calamari babies at the end. Of course, we've done babies to death on this show, so we'll leave out that part, but otherwise I think we can rip this one off whole-cloth. I think I can probably find a good fanfic for Nic and Bill too. I've been in touch with Mitch and he's happy to do a beach volleyball scene as long as he can be surly. Yours, Dave ******************************** Dear David, The script, and this room I might add, look to be coming along quite nicely. Burt chose a nice pink for the tile, and some wonderfully naughty pastels for the trim colors, and he found some scrumptious bric-a-brac that's simply just exquisite. Make sure that hoe-girl 'feels' something's wrong just before Patrick's pants come down and her tits get wet. And he's gotta say "What the hells goin' on?" and "You expect me to believe all that?" at least three times. Loni's out. I'm paying Burty way too much already for this bath, er, script help. I'm not going to screw with the other side of the family. I think Mimi's going to be good for the jail scene, but that's not where you and Guppie do the nasty. You're going to give lip service to the loudmouth in a private moment in a salon in Komoto, India. It'll be a quick, intimate moment while she's having her toenails painted and laquered. You're there looking for the origin of the alien prayer beads you discovered were up Kersh's ass all this time. And you just thought he looked sour on purpose. Later, Chris P.S. Don't let that part about Kersh's problem get out onto the web; they still need to think he's just a bad ass so we can nuke him in the finale. ******************************** DD, Let's do the Micheal Jordon thing. Retire for a year, spend alot of our millions on fun stuff, come back for a couple of seasons, retire again, divorce our wives, come back for another couple seasons, retire.... CC CC, Dude! Great idea! Do you think GA will go for it? DD ************************************ Hey Chris, Man, that was just so cool of you to offer me a part in the X-Files. I am so stoked right now! Unfortunately, we're in the middle of the season and seeing as how I'm on the injured list and all, I don't think the Grizzlies owners would be too thrilled if I took on any outside projects. Maybe Melissa Sue Anderson is available? PS. I'm sending you a bobble head doll and two tickets to our next game against the LA Clippers. Enjoy! Your NBA connection, Nick Anderson **************************************** Dear Mr. Carter: We really must insist that you quit phoning our client, Jennifer Beals. She has told you numerous times, via phone, letter and fax, that she has absolutely no intention of playing an alien lesbian barmaid on your little TV show, as she is committed to 'Flashdance 2002 - Dancin' on the Ceiling.' Bug off, surf boy. Sincerely, Joe Blow William Morris Agency ****************************************** Heya Chris! Long time, no see! Heard you're lookin' for a cool guest star for 'The X-Files' series finale - well, good news! I'm on a brief break from 'Knight Rider - Ridin' the Future' and will be happy to help you out. Did I mention I know Pamela Anderson? Kid Rock has agreed to do a haunting love theme for Scully called 'Mother of a White Trash Bast*rd.' Call me! David Hasselhoff ******************************************** Dear Mr. Carter, We are honored that you would choose our firm to represent you and the X-Files as your final season comes to a close. Unfortunately, we're a bit busy with this Enron thing and just don't have an auditor to spare. However, we highly recommend Anderson, Smith and Anderson, a renowned and respected firm within the entertainment industry. They should have someone available who can not only review your books but can offer invaluable insight into the Mexican prison system. Good luck with your future endeavors. By the way, the correct spelling is Andersen. Cordially, Arthur Andersen ********************************************** Dear Mr. Carter, As you know in the buisiness rumors fly around everywhere you go in Hollywood. The one rumor that has sparked my interest involves Gillian Anderson in a prison scene and Annamariebob in a wet t-shirt scene with me involved somehow. I think that would be a GREAT idea, I'd love to participate in another episode. I would like to make some stipulations though...1) The Gilly has to be in the scene with me, 2) I need personal assistants for my kids who father's names/test tube numbers will be reveled, 3)I want to write and direct an episode where Nell tries to tell Scully about being abducted by aliens through her backwoods language that I'd like to call Nellish, and 4)I don't want that gonzo impersonator "David" near Gilly... Never again! Let me know what you think, i think we can finally give the show a little depth. Let me know. With warmest regards, Jodie Foster *********************** Dear Chris, I hear our friend Dave will be back for the finale (gee, has his movie career tanked already? I’m so shocked) and is getting heavy creative input (as you have obviously kept your head submerged in seawater for far too long). I figured I better lay down a few ground rules since you juveniles are no doubt up to your usual shenanigans. 1) I will not be doing any gratutious skin shots. As I have reminded you on numerous occasions, I am the only member of this rinky-dink operation that has ever remotely had any Oscar-buzz associated with them (I’ll send you my “House of Mirth” clippings in case you’ve forgotten). I’m not jeopardizing my participation in some future Jane Campion project so you can help a few million sci-fi geeks get their rocks off by having me walk around in a tight T-shirt. Get Annabelle to do your dirty work--isn’t that what she was hired for? That, and of course, sensitive female bonding scenes with me. 2) Get rid of the kid and I walk. The kid allows me to have sensitive, emotional scenes where I can express myself. I realize that you have no respect for my creative vision (I can’t believe that you cut at least 75 pages of my All Things masterwork. If you needed to make it a two-hour special in order to being my vision to the screen, so be it. I’ve paid my dues) but on this I put my foot down. Unless you are willing to promise that the next feature film will deal heavily with my intense grief after the adoption/death of the kid. You know, some really teeth-gnashing scenes that will allow me to stretch as an actor. 3) I not kissing that supercilious a$$. Forehead kiss, fine. But, if he tries to improvise and go for the tongue kiss again like he did in Existence, I’m kicking him in the nuts. You know there is a reason that I began this show as a heterosexual but am not leaving as one. Hugs & Kisses, Gillian P.S. Received the Bics. Bite me. *********************************************** Hi Chris, I'm so excited! Nick just called me about that X-Files part you're casting for the final episode. Oh my god, I would be perfect! Little House on the Prarie Revisited wraps up next week so I am absolutely available. Yay! I know you won't believe this but I have dreams of b*tch slapping Gillian Anderson in a Mexican prison while Chuck Bronson looks on. Thank-you for this opportunity to finally shed the wholesome girl image I've been strapped with practically all of my life. I am physically shaking right now. You're the Man, Chris! Gratefully yours, Melissa Sue Anderson ****************************************** Dear Mr. Carter: What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you know Burt and I are a team? I'm as important to Burt's persona as his hairpiece and false teeth. Don't make me 'Deliverance' you! Love, Dom DeLuise ********************************* Dearest Gillian, Thanks for all your input on the storyline, and your excellent suggestions regarding how you and the co-star will react with each other. I really appreciate them. I can sure use all the help I can get around here what with all the other writers dumping the finale on me. I promise you won't have to kiss the co-star in any manner, shape, or form. You know that you can trust me, when have I ever misled you about what you are going to be doing or saying on screen? I'm so glad that you are enthusiastic about stretching your bounds as an actress, and concerned about your future acting career. Of course I'd never do anything to harm William in the script, either. Of that you can be absolutely certain. I'm in total control over this thing, and your opinion really matters to me. There's no way I'd ever let anyone else interfere with my artistic arena, or consult on the storyline with other actors before contacting you. I haven't talked with what's his name in ages. It's sure been great talking with you. I'll be sure to get in touch with you when I begin to mesh out the storyline, but as of now I'm just swamped. Don't believe any of the rumors that always fly around big projects like this. Lot's of love! Chris P.S. I really don't know what happened with that bic thing, but I'll sure try to find out! *************************************** Dearest Dom, I didn't know you played banjo! We'll have to get together soon and have a little plugging, er, plucking duel. I don't know what to say about Burt. He led me to believe that you were incredibly busy with those cooking videos and advised me not to bother you. I do apologize but I'm afraid all parts for that episode have been cast. I hope there are no hard feelings. Um...by hard I mean....uh....you know... Hugs and Kisses (and that's as far as I go Mister), Chris **************************************** Chris you wasted Dumbas$, What the he*l kind of partner are you? I'm getting f*c*ing phone calls from every low-life agent and publicity goon for everyone from Jennifer Beals, Pamela Anderson, David Hasselhoff, Richard Dean Anderson, Dom Deluise, blah, blah. They either want us (US??? I should slit your throat) to quit bothering them or are begging to get into the finale. Just how far are you going to let this sink? I said enough after Burt, no more cheap stunts. For God's sakes, let's do this in style. I've got calls in already to Tony Randall and that young chick that looks like Helen Hunt. Let's do this right, you jacka$s! You suck, Frank *********************************************** Dear Frank: You have absolutely no idea of what's hip and happenin'. Burt is RETRO and RETRO is IN, DUDE! Have I told you how much I hate you? All this Mulder/Scully humping enthusiasm is YOUR fault. This show is supposed to be about aliens and dames with great tits, and you've screwed it all up! Now Duchovny thinks he's some kinda star and we've gotta pay him 5.1 billion dollars to write and direct an episode about Mulder's d*ck! Well, you know what? F*CK IT! I HATE THIS F*CKING SHOW AND EVERYONE ASSOCIATED WITH IT, ESPECIALLY YOU! THIS F*CKING BOAT IS GOING DOWN AND I'M TAKING DUCHOVNY, YOU, AND EVERY CHEESEBALL BIT ACTOR THAT I CAN FIND DOWN WITH ME! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DIE MOTHERF*CKER! Love, Chris ************************************************ Dear Mr. Carter: We respectfully request you remit payment for your bill of $12,500 immediately. Our goal is your mental health; however, we do not work for free. While we sympathize with your feelings of failure after the dismal final installments of "The X-Files: Knight Riding Mulder Into the Future After the Fighting Cannonball Run Lesbian Doo Wop Group," we must insist on proper payment for services render. Pay up, d*ckweed. Love, Jaria D-Arnthia Moahvia Aural Replacement Specialist Prismatic Healing, Unlimited *********************************** Frank: Up your nose with a rubber hose. Chris ************************************ Chris, Bring on the banjo, hotshot. Frank ************************************* Meathead, You are SUCH a motherfu*king idiot, as usual. You have proven time and time again that you have NO concept what this show has been about nor what it strives to be. This show is NOT about aliens and titties. It's about images. Dark, gory images, with great imagery. And shadows and stuff. I told you not to pick Duchovny, didn't I? Did I NOT TELL YOU WE SHOULD HAVE HIRED SCOTT WOLF? Now who looks stupid, you prig!!? You go ahead and take our cheeseball piece of sh*t show down with the scum. Why not hire Carrot-top, from those freakin' phone call ads? He could be Bill Scully. Write him in however you see fit. I could care less now. And, for God's sake! Learn the brunette's name! It's NOT Annamarie! It's Anneavonlea! You can kiss my hairy ass, and be sure and wipe my butt clean when I'm over at Dimension actually doing classy work and you're tired of picking your whited out nose. You blow, Frank ********************************** Frank: Drop dead and decay. Chris ********************************* Chris, No way! You'd just bring me back in some cheesy, horrible script along with CSM and Krycek. Frank ************************************* Dear Chris, Did I leave my toupee over at your house last night? I don't really seem to remember leaving. Thanks Burt **************************************** Dear Chris, Nice try. All the kiss-a$$ emails in the world aren't going to save you from the sexual harassment suit that I'm going to slap on you if you and your blow-dried boy toy screw me over in this finale, Carter. I already have Marcia Clark and Gloria Aldred on speed dial. On another note, I heard about the Mexican prison scene and may be willing to play along under the following conditions: 1) I will only do it with Jodie (that's Ms. Foster to you, pig). 2) I'll only do it if I get some very emotional scenes in which I get to emote a lot about my tragic separation from the kid. Also, I want to shed my glamourous image and really do the authentic prison look (I'm thinking orange jump suit, dirty hair, pale skin--you know, Sharon Stone in Last Dance). I think this will help me be taken seriously as an actress (if that's ever going to be possible after the crap material you've subjected me to). 3) I want more money than Davey the wonder tool for the next feature film. I want it to be heavily publicized that I am getting more money. And I want you to go on record saying that this is merited by my wonderful acting credentials. I think this is a small price to pay to get that lesbian prison scene you've obviously been dreaming about, perv. With fondest thoughts, Gillian **************************************** Dear David, Listen to what I told the hairy bi*ch! I led her to believe that she would be helping direct the finale, and promised her a great big fat bonus. You know she always wanted that little red MG. Boy, is she gonna be pissed. We'll all be shut up here and gone though when she finds out, so, don't let it out of the bag, ok? Where were we? I've got kindof a hangover from doing whip-its and slurping martinis last night. I think we were discussing the jail scene, since it looks like you've got a great handle on the beach scene. Don't worry about the hair thing. I took care of it. Toodles Chris ******************************** Dear Mr. Carter: Please stand still while I kick your misogynist ass. Sincerely, Ellen DeGeneres ********************************* Dearest Gillian, Once again I'm overwhelmed not only at your obvious interest in how the show goes, but your supreme effort to really try to stretch your acting legs. I can't wait to work with you on all those points that you brought so eloquently to the forefront. I'm sure we can come to some agreement in the financial arena, and I feel confident that we can also work toward your concerns about the jail scene. I'm seeing a long backdrop of the ocean from a barred, isolated jail cell window deep in Mexico. You are just putting your clothes back on, and Ellen, er, Jodi, is hanging up a large, glistening bullwhip. Now, just as you begin to… Oh damn it, I have another call on the line. Chris **************************************** Mark, Thanks for getting me home last weekend. Have you seen my big fat wallet? It's the brown one with all of the bills falling out. Let me know! Anyhoo, I have got GREAT news for you! I know you do all of the music for MY show, but for the finale, I'm thinking a little differently. You see, we're going to have some scenes which are going to be innovative for the series. You know me, I like to be on the cutting edge. One scene will be a beach scene with lots of beefcake and Annamarie's tits. Therefore, I'm thinking something along the lines of, say, Motley Crue? Then for the next scene, we're going to dike out in a prison scene with "Agent Surly" and some other boff chicks. Here's the great news. I've called and received confirmation that you have at your disposal....Melissa Manchester!!! I tried for Shania Twain, but the little bi*ch blew me off. Whore. Go to work, big guy! You can thank me later! Chris **************************************** Dear Chris, My name is ANABETH!!!!!!....You PRICK!!!! Stick the surfboard where the sun don't shine, Anabeth Gish ******************************************** Dear Chris Carter, While I am still honored to be a cast member of "The X-Files," I can't help but notice how I'm being treated much differently than the lovely and talent Gillian Anderson. For one thing, you always get her name right, but never mine. It's Annabeth, not "Doggett's chick with the big t*ts." For another thing, I thought I was "Scully's chick with the big t*ts." Why didn't you tell me that Reyes was created to help Doggett? I would have acted a lot better in "Existence" and "Hellbound." For a third thing, why haven't I been paid yet? I've been on this show for almost an entire year, and I have yet to recieve a paycheck. Don't tell me my money has gone to David Duchovny, because I know he accepts cash *before* he acts. And speaking of Duchovny, I would really like to work with him more during the series finale. How about I help him connect with his "inner a$$" while he paints "Dogs Playing Poker"? I bet the fans would love to see his butt covered with oil paint. I know you would. I suppose I'm done with complaining. I know I shouldn't be, because the only other thing I'm known for is "Mystic Pizza," but I thought that my human rights were being violated. Speaking of violated, please stop coming by my house with your telescope. My parents were visiting one weekend, and they thought they saw you looking in on them during their showers. Love and kisses, Annabeth P.S. I think I'm in love with Frank, but don't tell him. I sent him that secret Valentine earlier this month. Do you think he still has my panties? Teeheehee! *************************************** Imposter, You're not Annabeth Gish! You didn't even spell her name correctly! Chris Carter's secretary (please kill me) ************************************** Dear Annabeth, Hey I say you in "Double Jeopardy"! Nice job!...Your checks' in the mail...just wait a week for me to take money from the T-1000 dude and put it into your check. By the way, I saw you on MTV's DIARY and that you are friends with Robbeca Romijn-Stamos. You think she would be interested in joining you in the prison scene? That would be TOTALLY hot!!!!! Warmest Regards, Chris *************************************** Dear Gilly, Don't worry about a thing sweetie, I'm just yanking the jackass's chain so I can have the aliens probe him again. You and BettyBeth can have a meaningfull girl thing going on, maybe you can be the one to rub her down with oil to help her relax. Just try not to puke on Yuppie Boy's shoes if he tries to kiss you again. As for your future plans, I'm forwarding a scriptwriting tool that I hope you will put to good use. It's called a shredder. Use it on every other page you write. As for any future movie for us, I think you'll be able to gnash your teeth over a missing baby, dead or alive. Think of the "I found my child's lifeless body in a barn" scene you could pull off. Much harder than the hackneyed "reunited with my long lost child" shtick. Cheers, Chris ************************************************** Dear Annabeth, I gave your check to Frank because he wanted to deliver it himself. You haven't receieved it yet? I'll check with Frank on that. As for our plans for your character in the finale, I think it is too late to come up with a plausible lesbian storyline with Gilly for you, but you'll love the scene you'll be doing with Robert. It'll make TV history -- your tits, his ass, a big slimy sea monster -- nobody will even remember whatshisname and the little redhaired girl. And I can even guarantee you two minutes of screen time and three lines of dialogue, which is more than I've been able to carve out for you in any other episode featuring those two has-beens. We have to pander to their fans, but I'm doing my best to keep the real talent happy here. I'm sure you can appreciate the bind I'm in. Whether Duckofknee's ass will be revealed or not is still in negotiation, but I think your willingness to do the wet T-shirt is helping our cause. Thank you for that. Be a good girl, and don't tell anybody about this little letter, okay? You know I had better plans for you this season, but the redheaded harpie's agent and Fox's suits had other ideas. Be a good sport about the finale and I'll try to find a role for you in my next hit project. Hugs and kisses, Chris ****************************************** Dear Robert, There's been a little accounting problem with your check this month, but don't worry. It'll be straightened out soon. I need a little favor from you. You know that brown-haired chick we hired for your love interest? Well, she's threatening to go the Gilly route too now. Be a pal and flex your pecs in her direction. We need to get back that awesome chemistry by the time we film the finale. I've got great plans for you two. Sincerely, Chris ********* Dear Dave, The newbies are threatening to stir up trouble. Give them a few extra lines, okay? Give Robert one of your signature fart jokes and give AnnaSueEllenBeth-Jo a few lines like "This doesn't look good," and "I'll say it again, this doesn't look good." I've decided to have Frank direct the newbies' beach scene. The chick has a thing for him and it'll keep him out of your way. Ciao baby, Chris ************************************** Dear "Boon": My firm and I represent Miss FLa, a recent victim of your bizarre and callous letter posting spree. To date, Miss FLa has suffered numerous contusions and hairline fractures from falling down laughing, a busted gut, and a curious condition of Glutius Maximus Where'ditGoius?, wherein the ass has been completely severed from her body due to excessive hilarity. All of these injuries were incurred while our client was reading your thread. We are currently in the process of filing suit against you to cover her medical costs. Consider yourself served, and see you in court. (Thanks for the heads up, though - we at the firm are all settin our VCRs, so we don't miss AnnaBanana's big t-shirt scene.) Sincerely, W.W. Pompous, Pompous, Pompous and Bombast: Attorneys at Law ********************************* Chris...Dude! I hate to lower myself to the level others have recently, but I feel I must address certain rumors I have been hearing from the production crew and some surfer buddies we both know. Regarding the series finale... (1) If David gets to lick some window with Gillian on the other side, I want to be able to punch him in the face. (2) If Monicabeth has to wear a wet t-shirt, I want to be able to punch out the guy who gets it wet. (3) Regarding the beach scene with/without the monster...I want to wear a blue surfing body suit which will compliment the color of my eyes. Please! Please! Let me "accidentally" run over Monicabeth with my surf board. (4) What is this crap I have been hearing about Louis Anderson being in the finale? I won't do any "family feud" referrences! (5) Speaking of family...what ever happened to the idea we bounced around regarding Wierd Willie's paternity? Frank told me the idea was that the government had stolen tissue samples from Doggett's son's autopsy and created a clone with them. He promised me that "Wierd Willie" would be revealed to be Doggett's cloned son, thus securing MY appearance in the movie franchise. If Frank was lying...tell me...I will punch his lights out! (6) We discussed at length ending the series with Scully AND the kid being abducted by alien-mutant-hybrid-cloned-replicants. When you film that final scene with Mulder and Doggett staring out into the void, I demand you make Doggett taller than Mulder this time! (7) Regarding the shower-decontamination scene that is being heavily discussed by the food service personell, I will agree to this ONLY if I get to punch someone WHILE I'm in the shower. Robert P.S. Stop calling me "Bob" and don't think I haven't heard the occaisional "Boob" referrence when I go into my trailer on breaks ************************************* Dear Robert, You KNOW you're the man, don't let that booksucking Yaley unnerve you. I think we can arrange the blue suit, but I think that the current plan is for you to be fighting sea monsters, which you will beat the crap out of in a very manly way I'm sure. AnaMonica will have to do some of that politically correct chick fighting crap, but that's ok because she'll be in a skin tight wet tee shirt. Feel free the punch Frank at any time, for any reason, real or imagined, you deserve the pleasure big guy. Just be sure to do it in front of John. He's gotten so warm and fuzzy lately. We need to send him a message. Finally, would you consider punching the prima donna pretty boy in the shower scene? You know I get to rewrite stuff behind his back right? I think we'd all feel better if Mr. Movie Star bit the tile while you and Mitch flexed. Yours in a totally and respectful Hetero way, Chris *************************************** Mr. Carter, It has come to my attention that you would like to firm up David Duchovny's ass before shooting the season finale. I would like to take this opportunity to offer my professional training services. I'm as butch as they come yet a woman at heart, a combination Mr. Duchovny is sure to find attractive. My contract clearly states that the client will attain 'an incredibly buff appearance' or die trying and I stand by those terms. I understand you have no problems with resurrection so this really is a win-win situation I'm offering. I would also like to offer my services as Charles Bronson's understudy. I've always wanted to participate in a lesbian prison scene. That Gilly is one sexy lady. Serving you an ace, Martina ******************************************* Dear Chris, Hey I think that the jail scenes coming along fine. I’m thinking of adding AnnaMaryEllenGirl in there as a third. The dumb b*tch needs to be dragged around by her hair so that she realizes some proper respect for true talent in this business. I’m thinking maybe throw her in there being gang-raped by women in the shower with a broomstick or something when she comes looking for Red. It’ll be perfect. Then, when she finally finds the right cell, Degenerate can pop her a good bruisey-bruise in the eye. NO! Wait a minute, in the tits! Of course then I can get Cowboy in on all of it as he appears and leads her down to the beach. What do you think. Hey, how am I supposed to cash all these checks made out to some ‘Gish’ chick? This isn’t a first rate down payment exactly. Talk at cha David **************************************** Dear Martina, I have forwarded your offer to Mr. Duchovny's people for their consideration. We will be casting the role of Gilly's cellmate soon, and you may audition, of course. Gilly will be so excited to meet you. Sincerely, Chris *************************************** Dear Chris, Thanks for the offer to direct the series finale. I'm glad you were able to emerge from your marijuana fog long enough to make a rational decision. Don't even think about showing up on the set to make any helpful suggestions--my attorney is drafting an injunction barring you from any interference with my creative vision at this very moment. (As well as the restraining order keeping your grabby hands 5 miles away from my aSS at all times after this nightmare wraps). Now that I have some creative control, I've decided that instead of playing my prison warden or cellmate, Jodie should play my prison therapist so I can have a number of scenes in which I explore my feelings about my dead/adopted kid, my former partner's porn obsession and how it makes me feel degraded as a woman, etc. I realize that this may be objectionable to you and the other immature, emotionally-stunted teenagers at 1013, so just keep in mind that my attorney Gloria Aldred is currently reviewing my case against you and thinks that I have an excellent claim for "Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress" based on the script for "Fight Club" alone. Fondest Regards, Gillian ***************************************** Dear David, The checks are merely collateral. The real thing is in the mail. Gilly and Annalou refuse to do a lesbian scene together, but I like your ideas. Do you think they would work for Martina Navratilova instead? Keep those ideas flowing. Still on the stairmaster, btw? Ciao baby Chris *************************************** Chris-- Love the idea about punching David, especially in the shower scene. Ran it by my wife...she actually squealed with delight! Barbara has the following suggestion...Doggett and Mulder should both be in the decontamination scene and get into a big fight. Mulder is knocked to the ground (Go me!) and gets all pouty-faced (for some reason, Barbara likes that famous look). MonicaBeth comes into the shower to break up the fight and THAT is when her t-shirt gets all wet. Barbara thinks this will play much better than a beach scene. Since I *like* it when Barbara is pleased, I will agree to do a scene with Louis Anderson but NOT a shower and/or decontamination scene. Robert ****************************** Dear Chris, What is this crap about a problem with my paycheck! If dis' thing ain't resovled soon i'm gonna get by buddy Arnold and were gonna kick yer @ss!!! You stupid seaweed eatin' jerk! In your eye with a hot frigg'in pizza pie, Robert ******************************** Dear Chris, I hope you edited out those annoying e's before sending my offer to Mr. Duchovn(no e)y's people. It's so hard to find good help these days. Any word on Pamela's involvement? I'm so excited! This is starting to sound just like that locker room orgy I........um....never mind. Sure to be a smash, Big M ******************************** Frank, You are truly a dumb son-of-a-b*tch. I can’t believe we’ve worked all these years side by side and you can’t stick with me through a little helter skelter here at the end! THINK of it man! We are at the top of the mountain, the highest pinnacle of cinematography that most around here only dream of. You are one of the elite, buddy, really. Dunkover was just searching for some additional talent for the finale, so, I think maybe he emailed a few too many people. It’ll pass! Don’t let it get cha down. You’re the greatest, and you know what? When we do the beach scene, I got Gishy to promise that she would. . . Wait a minute, got a call on the other line. . . Chris *********************************** Bob, Hey, hey man. Like calm down dude. I really don’t know what has happened to your checks, but it’ll blow over. Don’t worry about it. You know I’ve never led you down the wrong track! You and me are a team. It’s that big fancy pants Duckinthknees that you really need to spend a minute thinking on. I mean, like, he calls me and decides that he wants to kiss the Gish on the finale! Can you imagine. . . no way! You might want to give him some glares or something to make him back off a bit. You know. Anyway your money is all sorted out. I just got the call. Remember to do some flexing in Anna’s way, ok? She’s got to get off the muscle relaxers and back to work real soon if we are gonna shoot that scene with her and you on the beach. Remember, I’m behind you all the way. I’m thinking only of your benefits, and. . . I got a call, sorry. . . Chris ********************************** Yo Dave, I just finished watching "Resevior Dogs" and I've found our ending. That's right, we kill everyone. And, no heroic 'save the world from the aliens death either. Here's how I see it; we have George Burns enter as God right after the lesbian cell-mate scene and smote everyone for no good reason. Just to ensure that we piss everyone off, we'll have the worlds smallest Amazon tell you she hates you right before the smoting. The only one to survive will be Anna-Lama-Ding-Dong. Who, of course, will be wearing hot pants and a mesh halter top. yours, Chris p.s. if you're worried about the movie, don't be. If Fox actually agrees to pay for it we can always resurect you and the little Hell-Beast. ***************************************** Dear Chris, I don't mean to sound surly or anything, but what's my role in all of this mess? Devoted since season one, Mitch PS: In case you've forgotten, I play the character of Walter Skinner, the man who likes to say 'ass' in every episode. Not that I'm in any. You didn't tell me that credits thing was an either/or situation. I'm buff enough so what's the problem? Freaking surfer bum. *********************************** Mitch, Buddy! Haven't you heard? You've got the nudie scene in the finale! And don't tell you-know-who *coughsass-mancoughs* but we're going to have Mulder go snakey on your ass and you get to beat him to a pulp. It's you and Bob in the movie, dude. Complete with orgy with the girls (forget what hairy-pits says, we throw enough money her way and promise she can look tortured during the big O she'll do whatever we want. Chris ************************************* Dear Mitch, Hey, hey… man! You are DEFINITELY in it big time. I was just talking with Spotzy baby about how good you were going to look on the beach with a sun tan, playing volleyball or looking disbelieving or something. You know, it was all my idea. You’re going to look great, man. Just imagine it. I can’t tell you how cool this is gonna be! I’m working right now on the script, and boy is it cool. You wouldn’t mind a backside shot would you? You the man, Chris ******************************** Dear David, What the hell is going on here? I am getting conflicting information from many different people. Chris is saying something about a butch prison scene, everyone on the crew keeps giving me boxes of razors and AnnaBeth (the brown haired whale lover) keeps inviting me to her trailer to practice "very intense emotional scenes full of 'Dana - you look beautiful'". What the hell happened to the show I signed on to 9 seasons ago?? I'd like to blame it on you, but I have to admit, I was the one responsible for the champagne and fireworks on your last day. David, for the good of the Files, for the good of our careers, don't let them do this to us, to Scully & Mulder (I come first now). You and I need to collaborate; write our own finale. WE know the characters best, for god sakes I stopped signing Gillian five years ago and just switched to Dana. Get back to me on this David. I know you know how to write.. you did manage to pound out those awful... awfully lovely episodes. You and I are each other's only hope of ever having a career again!! Da- I mean Gillian ***************************** Chris, I'd take back the 'surfer bum' comment but I'm sure you considered it a compliment. Nude is fine. Beating Mulder is fine, no acting involved there. Will I actually have to interact with Bob during the orgy or will we both just be there with the ladies in a manly sort of way? Oh, and uh... I don't want any scenes with that Martina woman. Keep me in the loop buddy... Looking buff, Mitch *************************** Chris, Will there be any whales on or around this beach? I'm not very fond of whales. Thanks, Mitch ****************************** Dave Man, How's the script goin? I'm thinking about Bill and Nic. What can we do with those two losers? I mean, Nic's butts already out, we decided on that, and old man's wrinkley skin will be a sure downer on the ratings. So, how can we tweak them in without letting your incredible acting talent go to waste? In the bubble bath, Chris ***************************** Dear Mitch, At this point Martina will be outside the cell slapping a blackjack while leering at Gilly's tits. Then Jodie comes in to play doctor. Or is it lawyer? Anyway, something like that, it's part of the Dweeb's storyline, I don't care. So no worries there buddy. You and BobbyBoy will be totally manly in the shower scene. Only the girls are gonna drop the soap OK? You don't have any allergies to scented soap do you? And I was wondering if we should call that Laura chick since her film with Truman tanked. She let Nic feel up a few years back, and a natural blonde in the shower would lend some interesting arty angles next to Angelabeth. Bob asked to kick Dave's ass first, but you can have the kill shot if you want. I know it's been done before, but I'd enjoy a slo-mo bullet to that ego inflated face. Gotta run, Chris ********************************* Chris, You accidentally mailed that e-mail to me, and I think I can solve your problem. Bob and I orgy with the women (there'll of course be no touching between myself and Bob) and Nick and Bill can videotape the whole thing. I'm sure everyone will be happy with the result Mitch ************************************* Mitch, No touching with Bob, unless we want a thousand angry women outside our door. Chris. P.S. Be glad Dave's not involved in the orgy. He's such an ass-freak no one really knows wha he might do if faced with your chiseled cheeks **************************************** Dear Chris, I have a bone to pick with you. You hire me, ME, a successful film actor to play in your piddly little television show and I haven't had a decent scene yet. You've got me flirting with that Sally Anne chick when I am on camera. What happened to those hot and heavy scenes with Gillian you promised me? I don't have to take this, you know! Cary By the way, let everyone know if i find out who stapled the panty-hose to my dressing room door I'm going to have to get medieval on their asses ************************************** Dear Mr Carter, I know we are few in numbers, but I believe our fan base by far exceeds anyone else on the show. In light of this, we have a request. We would like you to kill of the character of Agent Fox Mulder on the grounds that he is abusive. According to the show, we have been fed 4 times in the last 9 years. This is not the message we want to be sending to the masses. We require food twice a day every day and the occasional water change on a weekly basis. If you do not comply with our wishes, we're going to PETA. Sincerely, Mulder's fish ************************************************** Dear Dana, Sorry, Too busy to read your script, I only have so much free time. I skimmed the first 187 pages. I gave it to Tea, she said it was "serendipidous in a confusingly omnisexual way" and that was just the first scene. It may have potential. I'm not too sure about Dubya morphing into an ABH though, even if you hate him, I don't think having Hillary Clinton blast him "like a stinking slimebug from Mars" will go over well considering the mood of the country. We do need to consider that the rest of the world isn't as enlighten as Hollywood and play down to the masses. I think you just want Hillary available in case we do the lesbian jail scene anyway. Further, while I take full credit for making the Shippers swoon, I don't think we can get naked 3 times in 2 hours and have any hope of explaining away the Alien invasion, the black oil or how you run in those heels. Anyway, I heard you quit smoking again, that will make the kissing scene tolerable, er easier. BTW, did you get that anonymous delivery of Nair? It wasn't from me. I swear. Gotta run, I've got Frank on call waiting. Dave ******************************** Dear Cary, Have we met? What role do you play? I'm sure if you had pantyhose left on your door it's because we split David's dressing room wing when we hired all those people to replace him and one of the crew didn't get the memo that he quit again. BTW, Gillian isn't doing hot scenes anymore, and you should be glad of it. Have you checked her pits lately? Gross me out man. Later, Chris ********************************* Dear Bubbles, Molly and Flipper, You're not starving, you have that UFO toy to play with. And when the hell did you start paying SAG dues huh? Don't threaten me you little scaley pricks. All I have to do is let William do some of that telekinitic crap on your fins and it's all over. You are flushable and replaceable. Am I making myself clear? Carter, in Charge ****************************** Dear Chris, Are you still in the bubble bath? I’m not. Tea’s darning my socks right now, and I’m on the exercise bike. I’m thinking aliens. That’s it. Big aliens who smell really bad. They burst forth from out of that Fowly chick’s grave like they were growing worms or something. You know she really had ‘em. Anyway, these guys are on a mission, and Nic shows up hiding in the shadows, watching. No, wait a minute, he’s hiding in the shadows watching Mitch bulking up in a gym. Yeah! That’s it! The graveyard is outside of Skinner’s gym, and the aliens are secret nanobytes that CSM gave to Fowley after she blew him when he told her about the conspiracy. And they’ve grown. . . uh, big. That’s it. Yeah. This is working. ‘What’s that, hun? You don’t like me shriveled up?’ Well, I’ve got to get out of, er , off this bike. I think I strained myself. Keep the flow David ****************************** Dear Dave: Write some good Skinner. Some excellent Skinner. Lots of it. Please. PLEASE. Thanks, Mitch, Mitch's Many Many Fans, 1013, FOX, Gillian, Piper, Tea, West, Blue, Tea's Belly Bump, Robert, Annabeth, James, Adam, Bruce, Dean, Tom, and, well, basically everyone who's ever lived on the planet, lives now, and ever will live. ************************************ Dear Mr. Carter, I have heard through channels known to me that you are working hard on the finale episode to the X Files. This being said, I would like to call attention to the fact that at one time I was a highly regarded functionary of the crew, and I held a priceless position in the so-called ‘Mytharc’ surrounding the premise of your plotlines. I would like to tender my re-resignation from the storyline, and I would point out that with an appropriate modicum of compensation, I would be willing to help out with your present endeavor. With marketing being as it is, and the fan base eroding fast, I think it time to put back into place those things that made for exciting and mysterious additions to the general atmosphere you have attempted to engender. Please feel free to email to my address in the near future. Regards, Bill *Smoke wafts slowly in front of the screen* ********************************** Dear Dave, So glad you're giving this your undivided attention. Keep up the stairmaster buddy, and please write a good scene fo Mitch, he's really wigging out about that Martina thing. Just make sure he looks manly and hetero, and I understand he likes to say "ass". Maybe he can tell AnnMargaret to move her ass to the shower for the decontamination scene. Just throwing out thoughts here. BTW, were you the one that sent the shrew that case of Nair? Genius, but she went postal and nailed panty hose on Cary's door. Then she made a big scene in the parking lot and almost touched Bob's bike. The guy has Harley Radar though, and took the insane leprechan to the pavement before she could touch it. I hope that bruise fades before we start filming again. If not, we'll have to write around it. Later Dude, CC ****************************** Dear Chris, That chick’s possessed. I don’t know how else to explain it. And I didn’t send the Nair. Seems I remember you agreeing to make sure her pits were nabbed. You’re not reneging on your promise are you? You son-of-a-bi*ch! I knew you were leading me along all the time. You suck! I want more than the 5.1 billion we agreed on, and these damn checks with ‘someone’ Gish and some guy named Patrick don’t do sh*t for my bank account. My butt is worth more than all three of you put together you meglomaniacal, kelp-eating powermonger! I’ll get you yet, and I know where you stash your surfboard, ‘dude’. You stink. Love, David ***************************** David, Listen, Mr. 'I'm too big for my britches! I've already had to fire the entire crew except for one grip in order to pay what I've already offered you. If you don't take it, i can always get Shandling to come back. He'll do it for a dollar fifty. Don't mess with me! love always, Chrissy-Poo ********************************** Dear William, After carefully considering your kind offer, I find that I must, admittedly with much sympathy, balk at your offer to assist me. It seems that we have another dark hero about to appear on the horizon, and a dark horizon it is indeed. It is totally out of my hands, you must realize. The writers have me hamstrung with portents and their phantasmal foreshadowings. You were a great asset though, now that I think about the matter. . . Are you too old to carry gas to my golf cart? Sincerely, Chris ********************************* Dear Chris, Received the shredder and instructions for use. Shred every other page, huh? And I thought all the plot holes were just due to poor writing. Tell Dave, your partner in televised crime, that if he sends me Nair again I'm going to pour it in his shampoo bottle. At least that'll cut down on the bimbo's highlighting and styling bills. The panty hose on the door were just a warning. Once a cross-dressing bit actor, always a cross-dressing bit actor. And who the fuck is this guy Cary? On another note, if Lipless touches me again no one is going to be able to drool over his beautiful blue eyes in the finale because they'll be swollen shut. And by the by, I've taken out a 500 foot restraining order which may make it challenging for you to really flesh out that Dogg-doo and Scully romance that you and the Dippers have been slobbering for. I'm sure AnnaNicole will gladly step in. (Are you actually paying that dimwit yet? Chris, you are so BAD!!) And I am not rubbing down your tart--I can get my own dates, thank you. And, yes, I can do a great dead/adopted lost kid scene. My stellar acting has been overcoming your crappy scripts for years, numbnuts. Best to the wife and family, Gillian ********************************* Dear Mr. Carter, It has come to my attention that you are interested in possibly casting me in a guest role on the series finale of The X Files. I am most flattered by your interest but I must confess that I am too busy at this time with the lawsuit I have filed against Drew Carey for stealing MY television show and making it into a hit on your silly American ABC network. Thank you again for thinking of me and good luck on your future endevours. Clive Anderson British host of "Whose Line Is It Anyway" FYI, The BBC is NOT interested in an updated version of "Dark Shadows" especially one that takes place in the future with each consecutive show running backwards in time. ************************** Dear Chris, I was, um, what do you call it, a bit pre-emptive in my last letter. Tea just told me that she’s made a down payment on Rhode Island, and I wouldn’t want to screw that up. Anyways, I think I’m going to talk to Frank about bringing the Gunmen back as zombies, and Shandling said he didn’t want anymore of that crap with eating turkey off the shoulders of the extras. I’ve got no problem with it, though, and I would like to explore the possibilities of maybe killing everyone in the jail after Dog boy and Annabish get out. That would solve all the wrangling about who does the final scene, and if they bicker, they can come back as zombies too! What do you think? I dress to the right by the way. Getting tired, David **************************** David, I'm glad that you've come to your senses, and enjoy Rhode Island! I hear it's lovely two weeks out of the year. As for the ending, I'm all for killing everyone as long as Anna-Belle-Lee is left at the end.... I'm thinking shirt torn from her body from the massive blast that kills everyone else. Screw the sensors, it's the last show anyway. -Chris (who never gets tired due to neveeer ending supply of crack, smoked immediately before writing each new episode.) ******************************** Dear Gillian, You know we love ya, babe. But we're stuck in a hetero world here, and hairy pits won't cut it. You don't have to worry about a liplock with Robert. His people assure us he will not in any way pressure you to do any scenes with him other than autopsies. In his words "I wouldn't even kiss her over a dead body," or something to that effect. We have plans for him and Annicabeth, anyways. Your scenes will be much more to your liking than last year's season ender, but as usual we can't give you the details til the script is final. You know you can trust me. Be patient, babe. Ciao Chris p.s. don't forget about the pits. They're a dealbreaker with the D-man ****************************** Dearest Chris, Don’t try to blow smoke up my a*s and tell me CSM’s near! The ‘D-man’ is an overblown whelp who thinks he’s god given to women! If he could keep his hands off his di*k for about thirty seconds and concentrate on the real job of acting, I would believe you. My pits are my own real business, and you can’t put that into the deal! Besides, I got a letter from the Lil house on the prairie girl, and she digs sleeping on hair. If you can close a nice, lice-ridden scene on the cot with her, I’d consider not pulling your macho, leaf-eating a*s into court over my writing domain. Did David actually say he didn’t like my pit hair? Hugs and kisses, Gillian ************************************** Dear Chris, Arm pit hair is a deal-breaker for Princess Dave? If I'd known that I would have trashed my Lady Gillette long ago. Seriously, tell Yuppie boy that if he can fake lust for Mimi he can overcome a little body hair. I've seen tranvestites who look more feminine. (And I still can't believe that you made me participate in that M & S & Di-Mana love triangle. It made Scully seem so catty.) So my scenes will be more to my liking this year? What--will I not have to walk around wearing an enormous fake belly so AnneMarie will look hotter in comparison? BTW, tell Bobbette that he should ONLY do autopsy scenes in the future--it makes his acting seem more lifelike. Your friend forever, Gillian ********************************** My dearest Gillian, Why so bitter? Last year's birthing scene was one of your finest moments. I'd like to think that we've given you every possible emotion over the years. There's only one area we haven't developed yet, and I think you're up to the challenge. You know how we've asked the writers to push the envelope? Well, you, lovely lady, will be making the biggest push. This could be award-winning stuff for you, so try to make nice with the fratboy. He'll be writing the hottest, er, the most challenging scenes for you. We'll have some interesting guests for you to interact with, so you won't have to worry about looking good next to Annamonica. I think I can safely say that all the cast members are in agreement about their feelings for your acting talent and personal qualities. Your friend forever, Chris p.s. do you mind waiting until May 1st before cashing your checks? We have some mind-blowing special effects planned and are having a little cashflow problem here at 1013. Not to worry, they'll be good eventually... we just need to go out with a real bang, if you know what I mean. ***************************** David, You are without a doubt the biggest mofu on the entire planet. (Mofu is a pokemon, Piper told me that.) As for my script, I rewrote the scene in which you finally come back. "Scully......" "That's for never giving me a desk!" "This is for a few months ago, when you took a shower and used MY buff puff!!!" "This is for making me name the baby William.. After your father my a$$!!" "And this is for coming back!!!!!!!!!!!!" So David, what do you think?? Cause this is what the whole damn finale will be like if you don't stop sending me boxes of nair, and Mexican arm pit hair beads!!! I had Monabelle show up at my house, asking to stay for a sleep over, and braid my pit hair! Do you know what it's like to spend 10 minutes with that woman, let alone a whole unending evening??? She's busy moving her things into my house and buying Piper books about having two mommies! Fix this situation, and I may let you keep one of your testicles after the beating, but before the gang rape by Kersh, Krychek, Skinner, Dogget, and the Chupakabra. Gillian L. Anderson ************************* Dear Chris, Man, you've got to fix this one thing for me. That keratinized wide mouthed bass is starting to make a fuss. She just promised me actual damage, and I think she's physically shaking right now she's so pissed. Can you maybe work on the idea of getting Annakin to give up the idea of shacking up at her A.P.T. ? I think she's worried about her kid watching a woman shave, or something, I'm not really sure, but she sounded pretty serious. At least make sure the Gish hides her beads. Hey, that gives me a really smooth idea for the plot! Instead of alien prayer beads climbing out of Kersh's a*s one night late while he sleeps it should probably be Mexican hair beads that look alien. Yeah, that way we go to Mexico in search of the TRUTH about whether the aliens really have hair or not! This is awesome, I'm such a god*amn genius, it's hard to get into the same pair of pants with myself. Anyway, gotta fly, David *************************************** Dear Dave, I've smoothed things over with the witch. It seems that Frank told SallyBeth Gush to try some method acting exercises so she could shine in the finale. Obviously she went overboard. It seems Miss perky tits would rather have a four way with you, Bobby and Mitch than touch the fur-pitted hag, but being marginally employed she's willing to do anything for a buck. Long story short, Gush has taken her bead's back to Frank's office for some personal instruction. Everyone's happy again. Can you figure out what to do with this Cary guy? I'd forgotten about him. He seems adamant that he not wear tights in the finale. Just another bug up someone's ass to blame on Gilly. Yours truely, Chris ************************************* Chris you lousy sonofabitch, Return my goddamn phone calls, you pri*k! Christ, we gotta talk about this finale! What's the matter? Dufairyboy got you on hold? God, you're such a puss. Also, why the hel1 are we getting bills for f*cking fish food all of a sudden? Torch the mothers. We've got much bigger bills to pay, like rental fees for the costumes from the f*cking Marty Kroft Productions people for their "Sigmund and the Sea Monsters" costumes. Call me (please), Frank P.S. Shiban's getting all squirrely again. ********************************* Dear Chris, I'm not sure who this Cary guy is at all, why don't you get Bill back here to torch him if he makes any waves. Christ, man! Don't you have any f*cking balls left? Really, though, thanks for calling off the Bush chick from harelip's place. Why can't they keep their petty squabbles to themselves without trying to f*ck up the talent? If I had one go*damn minute to concentrate on this script I'd be f*cking done already. Don't they have any concept at all what I'm going through here? No knee-biting, hair-braiding f*cking clue! I'M GETTING REALLY TENSE, HERE! I'm going to take my .45 over to the lot any time now and shove it up a couple of people's asses! That'll get some attention placed where it f*cking belongs! BTW, did you write Marty Kroft yet? We still need those costumes for the attack at the beach scene. Love David ******************************* Frank-- This is Chris's assistant, Brad. I'm sorry that he hasn't been returning your phonecalls. It's my fault. I have implemented a new messaging system, and I forgot to write down the names of the callers. Kind of like that history chick whose book just got pulled, ya know? Anyhoo, Chris is out of the office today scoping out locations for the beach scene. I'll forward your message using my new system, which should work much, much better despite the fact that the same person is managing it. --Brad ************* Chris-- Keep your head down. Frank is looking for you. --Brad ************** John-- Great work on Frank! I think he's cracking -- he's using the f-word more than Gilly. Now's the time for the switcheroo. Go to his office and offer him a backrub. If that doesn't make him run, nothing will. --Brad ******************************* Dave, F*ck Marty Kroft. Those bastards won't let us use their costumes, tight-ass sons-of-b*tches. Don't worry, I've got a call into one of the Jim Henson people. Surely they've got some kind of ragged out sea muppet we could use. Looks like we'll owe them another one in addition to the whole Vince/Miss Muppet clusterf*ck. That's okay, though. We got bigger problems. Seems as though one of those loser OS internet geek cheeks already wrote a sea monster/Dogbert/Reyez story, so now we gotta make sure she doesn't start trying to suck anymore of our cash away. Spotzy told me she's hot for Pileggi, though, so I'm sending Mitch to lay her so she'll shut the f*ck up. Cary who? Love forever, Chris ******************************8 Brad, I told you to leave me alone. Did I not say that we would name a character after you, and did I not follow through on that? I fulfilled my promise, so please keep your end of the deal. Tell Chris someone from Marty Kroft is looking for his head on a silver platter. I'm tired of cleaning up after that jackas$. Pencil me in for lunch with him on May 20. He'll be free. Frank **************************** Mr. Chris Carter, How dare you send such offending email! I am a devout Christian, a loving mother and a mayor for God's sake! I find it abominable that you would solicit unsuspecting women with something as outrageous and degrading as a lesbian prison orgy. I have sent this email to the local police and the FBI, you evil, filthy man. Do not attempt to contact me again or I will have you arrested. Pervert! Absolutely disgusted, Mary Anderson Mayor, Golden Valley MN PS. Give me a call if Richard Gere signs on. ************************* Cherr-o Chris, It's Cary here...You know, Cary Elwes....I was in the "Princess Bride".....Well anyway, I was just playing a round of cricket when the bus boy here at the club told me that the show was ending. Well, you can imagine my surprise at this news due to the fact that I haven't recieved a script in weeks. Another funny coincidence is that I haven't recieved my paycheck for my last apperance on the show. I'm sure it's just a silly little delay in the mailing system, you know with the anthrax thing and all. Well chap I must be off, it's almost teatime and mummy has prepared some scrumptous crumpets. Please do give me a ring on the telly and update me on the matter post-haste. Best Regards, Cary (Oh, I was also in "Kiss The Girls") PS: I heard a little rumor that you were planning having a Mexican Prison scene with Fuzzy Wuzzy pit girl, Anna-conchita, and Snuffy from Sesame Street?....Chris, you are SUCH a cheeky monkey!!!!!! ******************************************* Dear Chris, Maybe it's Cary Grant, I don't have a flying f*ck who it is. Make sure you've got insurance on Mitch's ass for private consultations with fans or philes, we don't want another damn scandal if she tries to blackmail us. Remember that dancer we hired in season five for Spotniz's kid's bar mitzvah, and she showed up right when the kid was cutting his cake and everyone was clapping, except she turned out to be an exotic stripper with a leather fetish and the kid spooged all over the place when she did the lap dance and stuck his stupid bignose between her tits? We can't afford that. Hey, how's the tide turning with Frank? You got him on the ropes yet? I need to know so I know whether or not to put him on the beach scene. Hey, I want a f*cking tremendous trailer. Love David ************************************8 Dave, Look, babe, I'm going to tell it to you straight, because that's how I've always treated you, right? Mitch is expendible. If anything happens with him and that nerdy internet chick, my hands are washed. There's no written record that I told him to go shut her up. BTW, toss that letter I wrote to you about it. He'll still tape the eps, though, don't worry. Don't worry either about Frank. The beach scene is a go. I've got him in my back pocket, as usual. He has assumed all along that he's had creative input, and I've let him think that because I feel sorry for him, being short and all. BTW, Daemonicus? That was all mine. BTW, do you have any extra I.D. laying around? I gotta get outta town for a few days. Some b*tch at Marty Kroft is after my as$. Something about me filming her through a vent under her desk. Oh, and the trailer? Don't worry. It'll cost a third of the finale budget. See ya, Chris ***************************************** Dear Kim, Hey Man! What's Up? How ya doin dude? Hope everything's going great for you this week; I've been kindof busy with things. Hey! I got this little favor to ask. . . Do you think you could get right over here this hour and do some of your computer wiz stuff for me? Yeah, I just need you to switch some records about which computer a certain email came from yesterday. It's message number 84567.160, and I think Spotzy mistakenly used my computer. Yeah, just switch the origin to his IPU. Cool beans dude. Hey, can't wait to get your ideas on our plotlines. You know I always come to you with the final draft cause you're more experienced than those other punks. Peace, Chris *************************************** Hey Chris, Frank has me clearing out the whales before he starts filming that beach scene with Mitch. I'll get right on it as soon as I'm back in the office. Mums the word, Kim ************************************** Dear Mr. Carter I was really excited to get your email. I heard about your show from my Mom, she thinks some guy named Skinman is hot. This is a SciFi show right? What kind of superhero is Skinman? Anyway, my brother, and my agent think it would be real cool for me to do your show because a lot of screaming girls watch it, and that's my target market right now. Mom says I can do it if "Your not in any of those pervy scenes". She wants to know if I can kill Gibson. Whatever. Yours Truely, Aaron Carter ****************************************** Dear Aaron, I'm afraid you must have gotten that email by mistake. Chris is a bumbling idiot on the computer. He mass emailed everyone in the US named "Anderson". Your email was forwarded by an equally inept idiot named "Gillian" to everyone in the US named Carter. I hope you're not too disappointed, but all of our scenes will be pervy and your Mom wouldn't let you do it anyway. Sincerely, Brad Folmer, Assistant to Chris Carter ******************************************* Dear Gillian, While I understand that you think that Chris' method of recruiting guest stars was moronic, I think it a tad childish of you to forward the email recieved as an "Anderson" to every friggin Carter in North America. I cut the internet service to your dressing room/office. So bite me. Sincerely Brad Folmer ********************************************* Dear Ms. Anderson, I am NOT Brad Folmer, I play a character named Brad Folmer. So stop nailing pantyhose and road kill to my door you psycho b*tch. Cary btw, I was in a Movie called "Men in Tights", that doesn't mean I wear them in real life, I don't care what that jackass Bob says. ********************************************* Dear Mr. Carter, While I am flattered by your invitation, Rosalyn and I will be busy building houses for the homeless, attending fund-raisers for needy children, and otherwise doing our part to make the world a better place. But I could pencil in a cameo if it would help you to portray government employees as well-meaning, patriotic, morally upright, public servants. Sincerely, Jimmy Carter ************************************************* Dear Mr. Carter: I'd LOVE to guest start in your series finale! I'm currently on break from 'Gimme A Break 2002' and am happy to help you out. Love, Nell Carter ************************************************** Dear Ms. Gish: We have received your application and appreciate your interest in working for Sea World. Currently, we are not looking for any new whale handlers although we do have an opening for a feeder for Sparky the dancing dolphin. Your letter indicates you will be available in May. Please contact our human resources department then to set up an appointment. (We received your tape but it only upset the whales and made them try to hurl themselves from their tanks onto shore. Please do not send any more.) Best regards, Mary Robertson vice president, human resources, Sea World International ******************************************* *Sound of telephone ringing, then answering machine starting recording* Hey man! You there? Pick up please. It's Frank, Dave. What are you doin? Um . . . I was, uh, wondering if you could do me a great big favor. There's been some kindof misunderstanding or something, and I can't seem to get hold of Chris, or even Brad for that matter. Can you take a half an hour away from the house? Thought maybe you could come give me a lift. Man, I really need it so call me back as soon as you can. Are you THERE? Oh, man, I hope so. Can you bring some cash too? I didn't have any cause I was down at the beach. All of a sudden this guy in blue with a gun steps up and asks me if I'm Frank Spotniz. I think, who's this loser, so I tell him to f*ck off. I mean, like, can't he see I'm working here. Then he hauls me into his car handcuffed, and is reading me my rights, and all I can think of is, boy is Chris going to be pissed when he finds out! The charges are something about soliciting or something. You there? Hello? I'M NOT KIDDING! Dave? *********************************** Dear Mr. Carter, I am absolutely delighted that you would think to include me in your final X-Files episode. I've watched since season one and I gotta tell ya, that CSM is something else! It's a shame D*ck isn't around. He'd be a shoo-in for one of those shady government conspiracy figures. Seeing as how I have farming experience, might I make a casting suggestion? And don't forget, I had to handle a lot of babies during those campaign years! Billy's looking for work too so if you have a small, non-speaking role open, I'd appreciate you giving him a look-see. I'll have my people send a couple tons of peanuts your way. Georgia Rules!, Former President, Jimmy Carter DANG! I just checked my calendar and I've got another trip to China already scheduled. Stupid diplomatic duties. Don't ever run for president, man. The job just never ends! ******************************************* Dear Mary, On behalf of my client, Annabeth Gish, I would like to ask you to surrender the document to which you refer in your letter. Ms. Gish has been the victim of a malicious smear campaign and we are gathering evidence in an effort to track down the perpetrator. Failure to surrender said document will constitute an act of collusion on your part. To set the record straight, Ms. Gish is an accomplished actress with a long record of successful film appearances. Her work on The X-Files has been exemplary, and she is currently fielding offers from several (much better) television shows. She is not, nor has she ever been, interested in working at Sea World. Sincerely, Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, attorneys at law ******************************* Dear Mr. Carter, I'm rather surprised to hear from you after I didn't make the cut as the lesbian mermaid earlier this year. As soon as I finish "WONDER WOMAN - THE RETURN", I'll have my people talk to your people. I am a bit concerned about the jail scene rumours, would I really have to rub oil on Martina? Keep me in the loop... Lynda Carter *************************************** Dear Ms. Anderson, A nice man named Brad from you office asked me to forward you an autographed copy of my hit record "Did I Shave My Legs for This?" I had no idea you were a country music fan. I'm a big fan of yours too! Enjoy! Sincerely, Deana Carter **************************************** To whom it may concern: We have turned over the application sent to Sea World International by Annabeth Gish to our legal department. Ms. Gish did indicate in her letter that she had some background in the entertainment industry, thus her interest in becoming a whale handler (Which is one of our most popular shows. I can send you some passes if you are interested.) Saying her desire to work for Sea World is part of a "smear campaign" is a slap in the face to every hard working employee at Sea World. A loyal employee, Mary Robertson vice president, human resources, Sea World International ******************************************* Dear Ms. Anderson: I don't know who you are. Please quit e-mailing me. In Christ, June Carter Cash ******************************************** Dear Mr. Carter, Thanks for the offer, but I don't do American Television. I'm strictly a Merchant-Ivory girl. Very Truely Yours, Helena Bohnam Carter ******************************************** Dear Mr. Carter, Although I play a character named Carter on "E.R.", that is not my real name. Please stop sending letters, e-mails, telegrams, and fruit baskets to my agent's office. Although I am flattered by your offer, my hands are full filming a TV drama with good ratings. Please leave me alone. Sincerely, Noah Wyle ******************************************* Dear Mr. Carter, Like many NBA stars, my client, Vince Carter, receives many offers to appear in TV shows like yours. I happen to know that he is an X-Phile, however, and for a small finder's fee I will forward your kind offer to him. Go to and click on the shopping cart icon until the bouncing basketball lands in the cart. Then type in the number and expiration date of your Visa card. Your request for Mr. Carter's services will then be forwarded directly to him. Sincerely, Fligh-bigh-nite Services, Inc. *************************************** Dear Mr. Carter, We are flattered by your offer to sponsor the X-Files finale but quite frankly, your ratings are in the tank and we have no desire to tarnish our image by associating with your show. Our customers are fine, upstanding, Christian citizens who would boycott our product if they heard rumor that we might be involved in soft porn. Please do not contact us again. Carter Products, maker of Carters Little Pills ***************************************** Dear Mr. Carter, Perhaps there has been a typographical error. There is no Mr. Carter here, and no one here is familiar with the television show to which you refer. However, if you would like to make a donation to our organization, please send it to the address on our website Thank you, and good luck with your television show. Mr. John Q. Publik Manager George Washington Carver Historical Society ***************************************** I will work for not much money and will bring Billy Beer. Love, Billy Carter ****************************************** I might be in jail. Every little thing I do for people. Love, Carlene Carter ****************************************** Chris, Please tell me what to do with all of these letters from people named Carter. Also, should the delivery truck with the Billy Beer be sent to the Burbank address or the Century City address? Thanks, Brad ***************************************** Hey Chris, X-Files rawks but I just signed on for 'Welcome Back Kotter, the Post-Retirement Years' so I'm all booked up until cancellation. If memory serves, we did have a Catarina and a Carvelli on the show. You might give their agents a ring. Later, Gabe Kaplan, aka, Gabe Kotter (which, I suppose, could be mistaken for Carter when spoken with an NY accent) ****************************************** Dear Ms. Anderson, While I appreciate a woman who can backstab with the best of them, I am certain that your email to me, which was a cut and paste of Mr. Chris Carter's to you, was not intended to imply that I need work. I was working on a hit show when your jailbait ass was wearing band aides on stage. From your recent award show outfits, I can see you haven't learned much since then either. Don't email me again or you'll be getting some Georgia sunshine where it doesn't normally shine. Dixie Carter ****************************************** Dear Brad, What the f*ck is going on back there? I mean Jeezus! I go away for a day or two and the place practically blows up. You got a freight car full of peanuts in the front parking lot, a mail bag full of angry reprisals from who knows who, a pending lawsuit against one of the writers and a f*cking truckload of beer cans parked on the lawn! MaryMotherOfJesusInTheGarden! I can't leave you morons in charge of a potato gun. All of you all put together don't sum up to the IQ of a large bag of hammers! I'M GOING OUT OF MY F*CKING SCULL DEALING WITH YOU ALL!! You suck. I'm coming back there. Chris P.S. The beer is actually pretty cool. *************************************** Chris, The beer has already been drunk by your staff. Brad ****************************************** Brad-- Okay, so before I step into God-knows-what, give me the low-down. Who's drunk? Who's doing the naked pretzel in the broom closet? Is anybody other than Dave xeroxing their butt? I'm counting on you to keep order, kid. Those other losers are out of work soon, but you'll be my right-hand man on my next hit series. --Chris p.s. go ahead and trash all the e-mails from people named "Carter" and "Anderson" -- and "Spotnitz" and "Shiban" while you're at it. The only ones I want forwarded right now are from Mitch. I need to know how he's getting on with the nymphonerd chick with the sea monster story. ******************************************** Dear Brad, You guys REALLY Suck. Chris ************************************************* Dearest Gillian, David actually did really say he didn’t like the hair under your arms. I don’t know why, I think its great, and really sexy. I think that he was actually commenting from an older brother type of standpoint. You know, concerned about appearances and all that in front of the media. F*ck that. It’s no biggie. If you want it, it’s yours. I told that overblown assh*le to wash his own d*ck if he wanted to be disgusted by something. Anyway, he and I are going to start on the script any day now so I thought I’d keep in touch. Licks babe Chris *********************************************** Chris-- You're too late. Dave's band of henchmen were just here. They put Nads under my pits and ripped the living hell out of them. My amazon henchwomen are on their way to his house, and your house is next on their list. --Gilly p.s. ask Mitch for sunscreen tips. You'll need them. ********************************************** Heyy Pardner Howss it hhangin? Thjis Billy Beer is the besht thing efver! High 5!11!!!! Woo Wwooo, What the funcked happned to Spotnitz? And when ya comin back? I gotta go pee Shiban ************************************* Chris, Okay. You got an e-mail from Mitch. He nailed the nymphomaniac sea monster chick. Turns out he's staying down there. He said blow off and find someone else for the finale. And to kiss his ass. As for the staff, Shiban is blowing chunks into the trash can right now. Spotnitz passed out on your desk, knocking over your computer monitor in the process, so I've already ordered you another one. Stevie Maeda is in the office supply closet with some chick down from Purchasing. Gilligan took off in your car and wrapped it around a telephone pole down on Sunset. You need to come bail him out. Kim accessed your bank account numbers from the computer before Frank passed out, so I've closed all of your credit card accounts and frozen your assets. What do you want me to do now? Brad ********************************************* Dear Brad: Marry Me. Chris ******************************************* Dear Chris: I'm suing your ass for sexual harrassment. Good day! Brad **************************************************** Sir, I don't swing that way. I mean, what do you want me to do with all of your staff? Brad ************************************************** Dear Chris-- Thanks for sending me on this life-changing and life-affirming mission! Tell my wife and daughter I've been kidnapped by aliens or something. I'm staying here with the nerd chick. She's hot! And there's nothing she won't do, if you get my meaning. ;-) Oops, gotta go. This chick never quits! --Mitch ******************************************** Dear Brad, So sorry, I was under extreme stress and emailed the wrong message. Um, fire everyone. Except Bob and the chick with nice tits. We'll figure out something. Chris ******************************************** From the Desk of the President of the United States Dear Mr Carter, I thought I would reply to this personally since one of my youngins told me that you are a Television person. I love Television. I've seen every single episode of Petticoat Junction to date and have a mighty fine collection of Beverly Hillbillies action figures (Granny's my favorite - reminds me of my daddy!) Well shucks, I would love to do a guest appearance on yer show. Ever since I saw E.T. (stupid alien) I've been want'n to shoot some aliens and mount one of their ugly little heads over my mantle. I think it would be a mighty fine addition to the oval office, dontchathink? But there's this war going on and I'm purdy busy fight'n these here foreigners, and then there's this Enron thing I gotta deal with or else I won't be invited to Bubba Blue's Big Brisket Barbecue next year. Maybe you oughta give Clinton a call. I hear he's not doin anything important lately, what with his wife being a lesbian and all and the women skeert to lay down with him after he had relations with that she-male intern. Sincerely, Your President, George Bush P.S. My wife is making me return the bag of pretzels you sent me as a gift. I'm not allowed to have solid food since I fell off the couch that there time. *************************************8 Dear Chris, Please clarify which chick with the nice tits you're talking about. A. Gillian Anderson B. Annamonica Girsh C. Lauren Holden D. Mimi Rogers E. The mom from "Home" Thanks, Brad P.S. Am I going to get a bonus? ****************************************** Dear Chris, F*ck you, your mother and your surfboard!!!!! Hairy and proud of it, Gillian ******************************************** Dear Mitch, Nice to know someone left this set happy. Please find out if she has a sister. Dori's not looking too pleased since Brad froze all the credit cards. Chris ******************************************** Dear Brad, Thank Goodness that was multiple guess! I meant "B", AnnaMonica Gush of course. If my collection of Doors records is unharmed when I return, you'll get a very nice bonus. Chris ********************************************* Chris, Um, your Doors records got broken when Nick fell on them. Sir, if you would kindly reconsider your stipulation for my bonus, I would appreciate it. Morgan and Wong backed into my car with your RV, which is on its way to Terre Haute, if I understood their slurring correctly. Brad ************************************************** Dear Chris, Her sister was all for a meeting with you until she found out the "Chris" with long blond hair was a guy. Sorry about that. We'll be thinkin boutcha -- NOT!!!! --Mitch the besotted ************************************************ Dear Chris, Now that we have every body biting each others' asses or other private parts, we can go ahead with the double ultra secret finale plan to kill everybody and that will clear the way for Tea and I to take over the big screen xfiles. Later Dude! Dave ********************************************** Dear Dave, As long as Tea has nice boobs and shaves, thats fine by me. Just make sure Bob dies a manly death. He sucks at the fairy stuff. Later, Chris ************************************************* Dear All: You go to hell. You go to hell and you DIE! Bob ************************************************ Dear Fox People, You runed my life, I hat you an hop yer happy. Die MoFos Die. J. Shiban ************************************************ Dear Bob, Can you move your Harley, it's blocking my assistant's secretary's parking space. Thanks alot, Dave ************************************************ dEAR fOX 209TH cENTURY: HAHAHA, WELL gUESS WHAT mR. sMARTHPANT?? i'M A BIG TIME tvv PRODUCER AND WILL BURRY YOU ALL WHEN i GO TO abc NETWORK TELEVISISSION WHICHI S A REAL NETWOKR! gOTTA GO THE MECHANICAL BULL IS HERE bITE ME YOU DIPWAYSDS! mORE BE EER FOR ME! Frank *********************************************** Dear Gillian, I'm rubber your glue...what ever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you..Nananana! Hugs and kisses, Chris ****************************************** Chris, Tea agrees to shave and will also go after carrot tops fan base by getting a mural tatto of an orgy featuring Jody, Ellen and Anne. Dave ******************************************* Dear Dave, We have a deal. Your New Best Friend Again, Chris ******************************************** Whoever the h#ll you are, Listen, I don't want to be on your stupid f@!&ing show. For the last time I've never seen aliens, god d@mmit, and I DID NOT HAVE AN ANAL PROBE!!! If you say that again i will kick you squaw in the nuts! screw you, Eric Cartman ********************************************* Dear Mr Duchovny, It has been almost three years since you sabatoged the Vancouver film industry and we think it's about time we got in contact with you. First of all, you complained about the weather. We like the weather just fine, you big-lipped putz. In fact, that's one of the reasons people move out here. When was the last time Los Angeles had a rainforest. Secondly, after you trashed the city and uprooted poor Gillian Anderson you quit the show. On behalf of Ms. Anderson and all those who had made Vancouver their home we're enclosing the number of Paul Gross. He's a Canadian actor (Due South) who's ten times better looking than you'll ever be and looks good in Mountie reds. His new movie is "Men with Brooms" and we've been told that he'd be more than happy to beat you to a pulp with a curling stone. If he's not available we're sure Leslie Neilson would gladly take the job. You know Leslie Neilson, don't you? Oh, of course you don't. He's a comedian. You know, comedy - when you say or do something and it makes people laugh. Perhaps you missed that when you filmed Evolution. And thirdly, we'll have you know that we're not missing much with your absence. As soon as you left we've found ourselves beseiged with actors who are by far more talented than you: Kevin Spacey, William Hurt, Harrison Ford, Liam Neeson - the list goes on. And may we also note that none of these men have ever bragged about painting pictures with their "arses." So, Mr Duchovny, on behalf of all Canadians we'd like to say this: Screw you, eh? Sincerely, Alliance of Canadian Cinema, Television And Radio Artists (ACTRA) **************************************** Dear Brad, I suppose the Doors can be replaced. Just don't let hairy pits get into my private stash of photos in the bottom left hand drawer and a trip to Maui is yours. And call the cops on Morgan and Wong. I told them they'd never drink on my dime again! Just give them neough time to get to Nevada. No cushy Beverly Hills jail for them. Chris *************************************** Mitch, You suck, you lucky dog you! Keep your eyes open for bi or hetero chicks for me. Chris ********************************** Chris, It's too late. Morgan and Wong took a wrong turn. Your RV is now in the Pacific Ocean. The photos from your desk drawer are missing. I'm not quite sure who took it, but there's a suspicious gold cross necklace in the bottom of the drawer. Shall I have her executed, sir? Brad (who would have loved Maui) ********************************** Dear Mr Duchovny, Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Paul Gross, actor, singer, all around freaking hunk. I've recently been contacted by ACTRA about engaging you in a new Canadian game that's been sweeping the country. It's called "Lumps." The gist of the game is five people gather around one and pelt him with hockey pucks, curling stones, empty Molson bottles and Timbits until he loses consciousness and needs physical therapy for the remainder of their lives. It's really not as bad as it sounds. In fact it's quite enjoyable and may one day be an olympic sport. Please meet us in the parking lot of Longroder's Saloon in West Edmonton. Your presence is required, not requested. If you don't show up, we'll find you. We have connections. Your fellow actor, Paul Gross ****************************************** Dear Chris, Uhmm I got bad news.....the employees found your weed...It's like a clam bake in here...Sorry. -Brad PS: On your way back pick up some Oreos...I got the muncies like a mofo! ********************************************** Brad, If the dye jobbed dyke dies before I return, you will get a condo in Maui. Chris ****************************************** Dear Brad, Inform all employees that a $1000 fine for party clean up is coming out of their next check. That should cover the weed. And get your own munchies ass kisser. Getting a bit po'd Chris ********************************************* Dear Mr. Gross, Thank you for your suggestions and offers, but the Americanized version is going on in my office as I write this. The only change is from empty Molson bottles to empty Billy Cans. I can't go back to Canada, some mix up with the RCMP about some oregano I was bringing to our chef. Sincerely, Chris Carter **************************************** Dear X-phile posters, We at FOX understand that you are all having fun writing these creative letters. However, it has gotten way out of control, and this thread will be deleted. You all have made Chris Carter, all mighty God of everything X, cry like a little baby girl on a hot summer night. Also, you people have hurt the feelings of David Duchovny, who is asking for an additional $2 billion in damages to be in the series finale, Gillian Anderson, Annabelle Fish, and Robert Patrick, who is melting into your computer right now. Mitch Pilleggggee wanted to give everyone a hug for praising his work, but until he wins an Emmy, we won't let him. This thread will be deleted. This folder will be deleted. This forum will be deleted. You will be deleted. Your family will be deleted. Your pets will be deleted. Your country will be deleted. Your planet will be deleted. Your universe will be deleted. We will be deleted. Sincerely, The Shadow Mods ************************************* Dear Mods, Bite me ************************************ Hey Chris, Wow, it's been what, eight years? I hope all is going well. Rumor has it you're ready to kill off the remainder of the X-Files characters and hand over the movie franchise to David and Tea. I'm sending you some fliers to pass out to the cast after your final shoot. Oh, and tell Mitch that 'near-death' is close enough. I hear he's opting out of that finale beach scene. Thanks, Deep Throat, President and Founding Member of the Dead-Xers Support Group PS. X sends his best regards. ************************************* John-- I want to see you in my office first thing in the morning -- that means noon sharp!! No excuses!! And bring Frank with you. You two have some 'splainin' to do. --Chris ************************************** Dear Deep, I told you not to contact me at this address until everyone is dead. The plan is going well. I'm rich, fat and happy. I'll be sending all of the message board posters' profiles to the NSA very soon, with annotated biographies we've pulled together over the years. BTW, see if you can get Mitch an Emmy for Best Supporting Actor, he's been a real trooper, unlike the rest of these morons. Sincerely, Christopher Carter Your Shadow Mod ************************************* Dear Dave, Up yours. Touch my bike and I'll break your hands pansy boy. ROBERT ************************************** <> Dear Chris: We were *planning* to send them a next check? I thought we'd already forwarded those to Ducknees. Maybe I should take a pound of flesh instead? Brad **************************************** Dear Chris, I can't find my pants. Are they under the cushion of your couch by any chance? Sorry about the puke under your desk too. John ***************************************** Internal Memo to Brad: All the checks to Dave are written on a dummy account. They'll bounce to China on May 20. We'll be in Fiji by then. Chris ****************************************** Chris-- Just a quick note while she walks her dog (she named him "Mitch" -- can you believe it!). The singles scene isn't much here -- I can see how the geekchick got lonely. Haven't seen any hot chicks, well, quite a few chickens but they have their c*cks already. You into sheep? We could fix you up with a few, you could take your pick. Black, white, whatever. I think some of them may actually be goats, but who can tell under all that fur? Whoa-- gotta go. Whipped cream time! Ride 'em cowboy! --Mitch ***************************************** Dear John, The office is closed for cleaning and decontamination. Your pants are doubtless encased in a hazmat container by now. And stop using me as a reference for your next gig. Next time some porn producer calls and asks how you are to work with I'm telling him you actually have talent and potential! Remember, noon sharp, my office --Chris ******************************************** Dear Mitch, I don't do sheep. Maybe I'll have better luck in Fiji. Take care! Chris *********************************************** Dear Chris-- You're welcome to join us at the ranch for goatmeat chili and old-fashioned barbecue anytime after the first blistering hot day of summer, which should be any day now. Just DON'T ask for barbecue sauce! That's a no-no hereabouts. Just give us some notice so we can exterminate the scorpions, snakes, and poisonous spiders from the spare room in the trailer. --Mitch's new chick p.s. I would have let you steal my story, but thanks for sending Mitch anyway ********************************************** Dear Chick: Thank you for your kind invitation, I may need to lie low after May. Are there any other chicks around? Mitch seemed to indicate that the only available babes were 4 legged. I'm just never that drunk. Glad things are working out with Mitch, oh, yeah, I almost forgot, I'm not the one that gave Arlene your phone number. Sincerely, Chris ************************************************ Dear Chris, Rumors of your loss of control over your cast and crew are giving us great concern here at Fox. I must advise you that unless you can prove that you have established reasonable control of this situation and show evidence that you can deliver an acceptable, somewhat coherent script for the season finale of The X-Files, I will find it necessary to remove you from production and replace you with someone who can deliver the goods. I understand that David Duchovny is more than eager to write and direct and Robert Patrick does have production experience. I am certain that you also realize if this step is taken, it will nullify your development deal for another series with this network. I trust that you will take the necessary steps to resolve this situation. Sincerely, Gail Berman (Private note: Chris, put away the bong and the booze, hang up the surfboard and get your ass back to work. I had to stick my neck out to get the rest of the network brass to agree to see this show through the season with you in charge. Now unless you start kissing some serious ass ... David, Gillian, Mitch, Robert and Annamaria ... and get them all working together like The Brady Bunch, you can bet I'll yank this show out from under you, give it to Dave and Robby and blow you right out of the business! G.B.) ******************************************* Internal Memo to Chris Re: Fiji Travel Plans First you promise Maui, now Fiji. But somehow I've yet to see anything but the inside of your stinkin' trailer - interesting choice on the upholstery, incidentally. I wouldn't have pegged you for the blank vinyl type. If this turns out to be some wild mermaid hunt, I'm going to tell Arlene that you're the one who sent Mitch out to bang that internet chick. That's Arlene, who recently got her permit to carry concealed. Brad **************************************** Dear Gail, You need me here in control. I left the studio for a 2 day quiet time to work out script ideas in my head and came back to mass destruction. Not only can David and Robert not work together, I can't leave them alone together in the same room anymore. I doubt they would be able to put together a show for you. And when this is over I am so kicking Frank and John's asses. The Cash Cow is still putting out milk, just trust me on this. Yours, Chris ************************************8 Internal Memo to Brad: I'm going to Fiji, you're going to Maui. You're not commiting a felony, so you only need to change your name and lie low for about 20 years. Please note that your bank account has a large bonus in it. There will be another nice bonus every month unless Arlene takes a shot at me. Are we clear? How's the decontamination team doing? Can I get back in my office tommorow? Chris ************************************** Dear David, Thanks so much for sticking with me through this terrible ordeal I find myself now faced with. FOX is on my ass like an alligator after that “Crikey” dude. You’re the bomb. Now, what were we talking about now that everyone seems to be passed out? We gotta think fast, dude. Let’s get back to the transfer from the jail scene to the beach. And think aliens, man, aliens. Wait a minute, I think TM’s calling me. Chris ***********************************8 #287 Dear Annabeth, I think we're about to be screwed. Yesterday one of the crew asked if he could have my FBI badge as a souvenier "because you don't need it anymore". Are you getting any wierd vibes from Dave and Gillian? I mean wierder than usual. And what's with Chris? He acts like he doesn't even know your name. At least Brad is being nice. Or is his name Cary? I can't keep that straight. Get back to me Babe, Robert ********************************************* Chris, I’m not going any f*cking where now. My car’s in the ditch and I can’t find my pocket mirror. Think I’m going down to Texas or where ever. You have Mitch’s phone number? Regards, Brad ******************************************* Hi Bobby, I’m, like, looking for my comb. Sorry. . .oops! I dropped my fingernail polish. Do you like lavender? I hear that Miss Andersen does. I found some nice beads here under my couch, do you think I should wear them in my hair? Maybe I should put some on a necklace to wear around my neck. What did you say? Something about a badge? I’ve got mine right here somewhere, tee hee. They also let me keep my gun from the last episode. Do you know where I can get any caps for it? I love lavender, do you? I’ve been reading up a lot lately. Really good stuff, too, on the web! You know, on the computer? You can actually TALK to people with it! It’s really exciting. There’s even an official web site, or something, that has ME in it. It’s so rad! Oh, I got to go, I think something’s burning in my hair. Toodles Anna ********************************************** Dear Dave, Yo, buddy. Did you get that memo from Gail talkin' about you and me gettin' together to finish off this show? Now, I'm more than willin' to overlook any hostility towards my hog and not threaten to break your Bambi hands if it means someone around this joint actually puts two freakin' cohesive thoughts together and finishes up this show on some kinda high note. (Man, I gotta stay clear of Chris. I've just used "joint" and "high" in the same sentence, and I've got the freakin' munchies.) I say screw 'em, Dave. With my eyes, my voice, my bod in tight jeans and a white t-shirt, AnnaMoronica in a wet lowcut, and your ass, we don't need the rest of 'em. Frank's too busy cryin' in his Billy beer, John's higher than a freakin' kite, Mitch is AWOL with some sea chick, Chris is on the run from some wardrobe company and Gilly has duct-taped her arms to her body and is pouting in her trailer. (And some guy named Cary is walkin' around like he works here, but I don't recall ever workin' with him.) It's up to you and me, man. You handle the writing and directing, I'll handle the crew. They like me better than they like you, anyway. I'd even offer ya half of my check if it meant some kind of real collaboration as opposed to the freakin' amateurish attitude I've had to put up with for the last year, but for the 8th month in a row, the freakin' thing has bounced. Get back to me. And stay away from the Harley. -Rob ************************************** Robby, I swear it wasn't me that knocked your bike over. It was Gillian. She was ripping the duct tape off of her arms because her pit pores were stinging from the sweat, and when the tape ripped off, her arm went swinging and hit your bike. She's really sorry, dude. By the way, Tea wants to know if Barbara will give her the recipe for her famous salsa dip. Thanks, Dave P.S. F*ck off about working with you, man. Gail Berman can kiss my mother-lovin' sweet ass. Don't forget the dip recipe. ******************************************* From the desk of Mildred P. Smeabody, Curator Dear Mr. Carter, From your recent press releases, we understand your innovative television creation, "The X-Files" will no longer be broadcast as first-run shows. As a follower of your work, please allow me the opportunity to say, personally, how much of a fan of yours I am. However, I am writing you this letter regarding official business. As you know, our museum is dedicated to preserving artifacts and images related to pieces of Americana, to ensure that generations to come will behold and treasure items which embody art and entertainment in this country at its finest. Thus, it is with great pleasure that I have been authorized to request that you honor us with an item from your television show. Although we are willing to discuss which item that may be, my board of directors has shown particular interest in the poster from the set of the basement office which reads "I Want to Believe." We feel this set item embodies everything your creation stands for. Please let us know soon regarding your answer. The offer will not stand for long. Sincerely, Mildred P. Smeabody Curator The Smithsonian Washington D.C. ********************************************* Dear Dave, Ya know, I kinda suspected the Little Red-Haired Girl and my bike. I don't think she knocked it over on purpose though; she's been eyein' it up for months but I kept tellin' her, "Look darlin', it's not a toy, ok? The minute you take it off the kick stand, the thing's gonna pin you to the ground under its weight." But would she listen? No. I told her to start with a little Honda Rebel 450, somethin' around her size, but no. Christ. She's gonna pay for the new paint job, 'cause I suspect she's the only one actually gettin' paid around here. As for workin' with me.. what? What's yer problem, buddy? If ya got somethin' against Gail, then I say we bleed Murdoch dry, then go work for Joss Whedon. Or are you serious about making, "Red Shoe Diaries: The Movie"? Take it from someone who's been in the business longer than yer meal ticket's been around. Later. -Rob PS. Find attached Barbie's famous dip recipe. But if it means all the same to you, I don't want Tea to have any contact with my wife after this, ok? Ass-paintin' just ain't in my future plans. ********************************** Dear Ms Smeabody, What? Are you freaking crazy? Do you have ANY idea how much money I can get for that thing? If you want it, try e-bay. Price begins at $1000. Happy bidding. Chris Carter ************************************ Mr. Carter, We are very disappointed in your response. Let me remind you that by giving us an item for your show, we can promise that your creation will be beheld and loved by millions of our visitors, from all over the world. An icon for an eternity. Please reconsider the poster offer. It is a tax-free donation, may I remind you. Sincerely, Mildred ***************************************** Dear Mildred, You know that I’m always willing to negotiate on the compensation for anything, even on the stipends of my writers. FOX didn’t say anything about this to you, did they? Anyway, the poster is in prime condition, and I would appreciate any substantial offer you could make at this time. Realize, of course, that it won’t be made available until after May 20th of this year. Cheers Chris Carter *********************************************** Dear Millie, And may I remind you that thing is my retirement fund? Tell you what, sister. I'll see if Dave will donate one of his ass-paintings and I'll throw in a little roll in the sack for good measure *wink wink, nudge nudge* Get back to me, babe. I'll rock your world. CC *************************************** Hey Brad, You know that dump basement office set? You know, the one with all the file cabinets and the desk and the box Gilly stands on and everything? I don’t think we’ll ever use it again. Can you slip down there and get something for me? I bought it at a cheap yard sale before I came up with the far-fetched direction this sit-com was going in, and I think that I might get 10 bucks for it back where I bought it. Talk at cha Chris **************************************** Mr. Carter, I am a professional, sir. I will not roll in the hay with you. All our museum is asking for is the goddam*ed poster. Now give it up. Mildred *****************************************8 Hey Robert, Man, I know we’ve had our differences, but, you know? I’m thinking we could do a really smash hit on this last one! Carter’s out on his proverbially stoned butt, and I’m writing the last ep. So, let’s do a lunch or something. I think I can get you some prime-time minutes if you don’t get all Redneck-Cowboy on me. Common! I can cut you some really nice lines, and I think that the Gish chick is really into you. Come on over and we’ll slam a couple of Heinies. Ok? Sincerely Dave P.S. Do you think Nic’s butt is *****************************************8 INTERNAL MEMO To: Gail Berman From: Rupert Murdoch Quit screwing around with Carter and his gang. Sack the lot of them and hire the writers of that Secret Letters series. It's the funniest damn thing I've ever seen and since the writers are unknown we can get them cheap! Besides, reality shows are in. What could be more real than Secret Letters ... Behind the X-Files? Hire Kam, Scifi, Landrum and the rest. Fire Carter, Spotnitz, Shibun and his crew! You have seven days or YOU will be looking for a new job! ************************************** Dave, You're on. I'll bring the Schlitz. Rob P.S. Do I think Nic's butt is what? ************************************* Dearest Mildred, You know by my long-standing relationship with the media and all the donations that I’ve given over the years to real charities like Save the Whale Fund, Greenpeace, and of course the Don’t Show Butt On TV agency that I’m the real deal. I would never solicit any kind of monetary or sexual reparations in exchange for noteriety. That poster is yours, for sure. Regards, Christopher Carter P.S. What are you wearing right now **************************************** Dear Mr. Carter, I fail to see what my apparel is of your concern. Please send the poster immediately. Now, we also want Mulder's fishtank. Mildred ****************************************** Dear Robert, I was just thinking of shooting some pool at some local establishment, and we could talk! A tee shirt and jeans is acceptable, right? Or, should I wear a flannel shirt? Yours truly, Dave P.S. Do they sell Heinies there? *********************************************8 Dave, Great idea!! A tee shirt. The flannel shirt would bunch up in your jeans and make your as$ look bad. Yes, the sell Heinies. I'm having a Pabst. Rob **************************************** Dear Ms Berman, In regards to your request that I join the staff of a yet to be named television show, I feel that I am open to negotiations. I do, of course, have some requests: 1) I would like to see Robert Patrick naked on a weekly basis. Nothing fancy, he just walks into my office completely nude, walks around for a minute, and then leave. I've been told that SCIFINERDGIRL has a similar request regarding Mitch Pileggi. 2) I would also like to have Jay Leno killed. He annoys me, and it would make me happy is he were to die a slow and painful death. 3) At my disposal, I would like Paul Gross hidden in my closet with a can of whipped cream. The reason why is none of your business. 4) I want a slave. Not a sex slave, but a normal slave that I can push around. Preferably she should be blonde and cute and have a body like Britney Spears. If you can actually get Britney Spears, that would also be acceptable. 5) An Indiana Jones bullwhip to be used in the base that my slave does not get my latte fast enough the morning. May also be used at lunch time with Paul Gross. 6) Bring Elvis back to life - I don't care how you do it, I just want it done. 7) I want Tom Jackson to sing me to sleep every night. 8) All the women in the office MUST address me as "Your Majesty." The men must call me "Goddess." These are just a few of my requests, but our deal hinges on whether or not you can get me these things. I refuse to negotiate any further unless these terms are met. Sincerely, Kam1978 ************************************************* Dear Mr. Carter: While we are flattered by your invitation to have us write the final script for the season finale, we do require ALOT more compensation than just having our X-Files Forum Screen Names on the opening credits in order to participate. Thank you for your time. Best of luck in your endeavors. Sincerely Scully3776 (Starkweather) SpookyKat (What? Me!Fail English? Unpossible!) **********************************8 Look B1TCH - the poster is mine. I'm not handing it over to you or anyone else unless I get a good chunk of cash for it. As for the fishtank, that will cost you another 5 grand and some nude photos of yourself. Chris Carter ********************************** Dear 3776, BACK OFF B1TCH! This is my territory! Forever yours, KAM ******************************* Dear Dave, Wear whatever the hell you want, just don't mention anythin' about paintin' with your ass, ok? That is, if you want yer ass in the same condition it was in when you walked into the place. Yeah, they serve Heinken, but don't call them "Heinies." Someone's bound to think yer talkin' about yer ass again. See ya there. Park the preppie Volvo a block or two down unless you think you'll be able to drive it with the windshield smashed in and the tires slashed. -Rob PS. I'm not a f*ckin' cowboy, but another comment like that and I WILL go redneck on your paint-lovin' ass. ********************************************** Midred, You’re a f*cked up bi*ch, and I never want to hear your name in any reference to any professional society again, and I’m taking steps tonight to make sure it happens just that way! Don’t f*ck with me b*tch, I’m the lord of the living room, the King of the kingdome. . . Oh, wait a minute, that’s a borrowed line. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, take a hike. I try to be nice to all these beauracratic synchophants and where does it get me? Huh? They just want MORE! More I tell you! Sucking the life from these very bones! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! You are the proverbial sh*t in the frying pan. The last fire on the camel’s back, the. . . oh, what’s the use. . . I’m calling David to borrow his .45. It’s no use. You ALL suck! Really. Sincerely yours, Christopher Carter *********************************** Dear Mr Carter, This is a letter informing you that if Scully3776 and Spookykat write the finale and we're left out, your body will never be found. Sincerely, KAM1978 and Co. ************************************ Mr. Carter, I'm trying to help us both here, but you have now stooped to calling me names. I hereby rescind the offer to have YOUR SH*T IN A F*CKING MUSEUM YOU NIMROD!!!! HOW MANY CREATORS OF GENRE TV SHOWS CAN SAY THAT!!! I will be taking my business elsewhere. I hear Sam Waterston's briefcase is being offered by NBC. Bite me, Mildred *********************************** Dear Mr Carter, This is a letter informing you that if Scully3776 and Spookykat write the finale and we're left out, your body will never be found. Sincerely, KAM1978 and Co. **************************************** Mr. Carter, I'm trying to help us both here, but you have now stooped to calling me names. I hereby rescind the offer to have YOUR SH*T IN A F*CKING MUSEUM YOU NIMROD!!!! HOW MANY CREATORS OF GENRE TV SHOWS CAN SAY THAT!!! I will be taking my business elsewhere. I hear Sam Waterston's briefcase is being offered by NBC. Bite me, Mildred ****************************************** Dear Mr. Carter: Due to strange threatening people carrying flamethrowers standing outside of my apartment... we must regrettful decline your invitation to write the finale. Sincerly Scully3776 (Starkweather) ************** Dear SpookyKat: RUN!!!! RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!! Sincerely Scully3776 (Starkweather) ********************************** INTEROFFICE MEMO To: Rupert Murdoch From: Gail Berman Sir, Please see the attached list of demands from one of the writers of the new series, Secret Letters ... Behind the Scenes of the X-Files. Actually, in comparison to the list of demands from CC, DD, GA, et. al., they are pretty reasonable. Although I am somewhat concerned about our ability to raise Elvis from the dead. However, this does seem to be worth purusing. Given your power, think you can work an Elvis ressurection or two? ************************************ Dear Gail Berman, Please accept my application to write for the final few episodes of "The X-Files" or any other show your heart may desire. My credentials are as follows: 1. I am certifiably insane 2. I have no pride 3. I am sleeping with Mitch Pileggi 4. I like puppies As you can see, I am far more qualified than many of the writers who have written for Fox over the years. In addition, I will work for peanuts, as my studmuffin has promised to support me in the manner to which he has become accustomed. I have only three demands: 1. Skinner, Reyes, and Doggett do not die 2. Someone feeds Mulder's fish 3. All the alien replicants die from the flu, including D!ck Clark Please reply ASAP. Mitch and I have plans for a huge-ass Texas barbecue, and we have to know when to slaughter the pig. Y'all are invited, BTW. **************************************** INTEROFFICE MEMO To: Rupert Murdoch From: Gail Berman Re: Writer Scifinerdgrl Here is the second response and this one is even better than the first. Sir, I can't help but think that you were onto something (kiss-kiss!) with your idea of bringing in these unknowns to write your new reality series. They do seem to be demanding the casting of Robert Patrick, Annabeth Gish and Mitch Pileggi, though. How do you feel about that in a reality show? *********************************************** INTEROFFICE MEMO To: Gail Berman From: Rupert Murdoch Re: What Are You Bothering Me For? If you can't figure out that you should sign this chick to an iron-clad seven-year contract, what the hell am I paying you for? As to RP/AG/MP, they aren't making any trouble and we can get them low cost so sure, bring them aboard. One would think that you would be able to figure that out! And if you don't get the lead out and seal this deal up soon (including dumping Surfer Boy), I'm going to be looking for a replacement for that corner office. Got it? ************************************************ From the desk of Gillian & Monabelle Chris, Please help me. As you can see by the above monogram, my situation with a certain whale loving 'actress' just got a heck of a lot worse. She had these printed up, and got rid of all other paper in my house. Right now she's sitting with Piper in OUR den, planning OUR "joining ceremony". Poor Piper doesn't know what to do. She read all those books about two mommies and two daddies, so now she's calling her Momma Monabelle. I wrote His Royal Highness, and asked him for his help, but the little niblet hasn't even answered me yet, let alone come to pick up his nair and damn hair braids!! Well, he actually couldn't take the braids anymore, considering they are now imbedded in my arm pits thanks to Monabelle and her "holistic massage and braiding techniques" which she debuted last night in "our bedroom". She even called it that!! For god sakes Chris, she slept there last night, and I think in some countries we already are married!! I am begging you to get her out of my house and away from Piper, who is so messed up now, I'm going to have to increase her therapy sessions to six a week. If you get rid of her now, and all her weird smelling stuff, I'll kiss Sir David in the finale. Hell, I'll blow him if you can make this all go away! Eagerly awaiting your response, Gillian ****************************************