Title: Mulder Dies and Doggett and Scully "do it"
Authors: Boon, GoScully, Scifinerdgrl, and others (I can't
remember)
Rating: Silly
Summary: Rampant silliness ensues as Scully, Skinner, Doggett, and
Reyes decide how to dispose of Mulder's dead (again!) body. 
Written at the X-Files Official Site


One day, Mulder died a horrible, yet completely natural death. (Or
WAS it?) 

"Oh, dear," said Scully. "This is very sad, not to mention messy.
Oh, whatever shall I do?" 

She looked forlornly at what was left of Mulder on that smelly old
sofa in his extremely dinky apartment. 

So, anyways, Scully started looking in the Yellow Pages for
someone to come clean things up. She made the appropriate
arrangements and then started rummaging through Mulder's things. 

*ding dong* 

The ringing of the doorbell startled her, especially since Mulder
didn't have a doorbell. She went to answer it. 

"Hey, hot cheeks!" 

It was Doggett. Boy was he hot! The voice, the eyes . . . Scully's
thoughts started to drift down to her naughty bits, even though
she REALLY REALLY LURVED MULDER but just because he was dead
didn't mean that SHE was, right?

"Hi, hun!" piped a perky voice behind Doggett. 

Reyes. Scully's naughty thoughts quickly faded away. 

"So, what the f*ck happened here?" asked Doggett. 

Reyes looked around at the mess. "Ish," she said. 

If Scully were impolite she would have rolled her eyes and kicked
Reyes in the face, but she was the epitome of chilly politeness
and figured that kicking Reyes in the face would be bad manners. 

"I'm not sure," she said, her voice cool and composed, completely
unlike of a woman who's true love's innards had been messily
spread across that damn dinky dark apartment. 

"The fish are fine!" said Reyes, smiling into the tank. "Thank the
goddess. Scully, did you see 'Finding Nemo?' I speak whale now!" 

She beamed. 

"We gotta call in Skinner," said Doggett. 

"I agree," said Scully. She whipped out her trusty cell phone and
hit "Hot Bald Guy" from her digital phone book. 

As surly voice answered: "WHAT is it this time Scully?" 

Scully all but melted at the manly surliness of Skinner's snappish
answering habits. "Sir, I thought I should tell you that Mulder is
dead". 

"Again?" said Skinner. "Will he STAY dead this time Scully or is
this just another way of making me file hundreds of pages of
offical documents that make no sense again?" 

"I'm sure he's dead sir, and so is Agent Doggett" said Scully, who
giggled as she watched Doggett lean over the fish tank.

"Doggett's dead, too?!?" Skinner roared. "I'm gonna have all three
of you up before a secret military type-tribunal or something, I
swear to God!!!" 

Scully's knees trembled as her naughty bits became dewy. 

"No, no," she said. "Doggett thinks he's dead, too." 

Doggett looked up from the fish tank. 

"I sure as hell hope so," he said, in the super-sexy gravelly
voice. "I'd hate to be in that condition and NOT be dead." 

"I died, too," piped in Reyes. "Haven't we all died at some
point?" 

"Buffy died twice," said Doggett. "I'm, like, SO glad she didn't
die in the finale." 

Scully could hear Skinner's pulse pounding over the phone. 

"I'll be there shortly, you morons," he said. 

Scully giggled. She LOVED it when Skinner called her naughty
names!

"But Spike died," said Reyes. "And so did Anya." 

She began weeping. Doggett offered comfort and whispered some
'Angel' spoilers in her ear to ease her pain. 

"Really??" Reyes said. "But I HATE 'Angel!' " And the weeping
began anew. 

Scully, who thought David Boreanaz was super-hot and could
out-vamp James Marsters any day, held her tongue. 
(HA! I SAID 'TONGUE!')

A heated debate about "Buffy" versus "Angel" then ensued. 

" 'Angel' was WAY better than 'Buffy,' especially last season,"
said Scully. 

"Oh, I totally disagree," said Doggett. "This past season of
'Buffy' definitely had some weak moments, but I thought Joss
Whedon tied things up beautifully, staying true to the heart and
soul of the series, unlike Chris Car . . ." 

He stopped in mid-sentence and looked down at the floor. Reyes
whistled innocently and Scully picked up Mulder's porn catalog and
pretended to browse through it.

It seemed like only moments later when Skinner pushed his manly
form through the door to Mulder's dingy apartment. 
He looked at Mulder's lifeless form. He eyed Scully from head to
toe. He glared at Reyes and dared her to open her mouth. And then
he turned to Doggett. 

Puffing out his chest and adjusting the waist of his pants,
Skinner glanced over the top of his glasses at Doggett and said,
"What are YOU doing here, Agent Dogget?" 

Doggett allowed a momentary hurt expression to show from his
beautiful, big blue eyes and then pumped up his own chest before
responding, "I think sir, based on my FIRST years assigned to the
X Files, that SOMEONE ought to make sure Mulder is really dead
this time. Don't you?"

"Good point," snarled the surly assistant director. He pulled his
service revolver from somewhere on his body, took aim, and fired
several bullets into Mulder's face. "I can't tell you how many
times I've wanted to do that!" He grinned, for the first time
since joining the FBI. 

Mulder's eyeball popped out and rolled onto the floor. Quickly,
Reyes and Doggett each pulled out their guns and shot the bouncing
eyeball at the same time. 

"Mulder, oh Mulder!" Scully cried. She picked up his shirt, which
was covered with goo, and inhaled deeply. "Where shall I go? What
shall I do?"

Doggett reached down and grasped the bouncing eyeball. "This is
the FAKE one!" he yelled. "Dibs!" 

"I'm the one that popped it out, you b*st*rd," snarled Skinner. "I
hereby pull rank and order you to give me that eyeball." 

Doggett glared. Skinner glared. Doggett threw the eyeball at
Skinner's head. It bounced off and rolled under the couch, where
it gently came to rest beside Mulder's most recent issue of
"Penthouse." 

Meanwhile, Scully kept on whining, as was her wont. 

"Too bad this grey t-shirt is all icky and gross," she wept. "I
guess I could go sleep on his bed and cry and stuff." 

"Don't nobody touch that eyeball," growled Skinner. "I've gotta
run down to my sexy, black SUV and grab my Buffy S2 DVDs." 

Down on the street, Skinner said to his sexy secretary, "Kim,
where are those DVDs?" 

"I'm not Kim, I'm Arlene, her twin. Remember?" She got out in a
huff, taking her bag, which had the DVDs in it. 

"Aw crap," Skinner snarled. "I'll never keep them straight!" 

Meanwhile, up in Mulder's apartment, Reyes is eyeing the fish
tank. "Did Mulder leave a provision in his will for his fish?" 

"Go ahead and take them," Scully sobbed. "He loved them more than
he loved me. Why would I want them." 

Reyes started putting the Mollys into a ziploc marked EVIDENCE. 

"There there," Doggett, said, patting her back with one hand and
stuffing a copy of Penthouse Forum into his jacket pocket. He
nodded to Reyes to grab Mulder's briefcase, and she started
stuffing videos into it. By the time she'd packed the briefcase
and put the Mollys into a ziploc, Skinner was back. 

"What do you think you're doing?" he snarled.

"We're divvying up Mulder's crap," Doggett snarled back. "Don't
worry, your damned eyeball is still underneath the couch, SIR." 

Skinner glared. Doggett glared. Scully would have glared, but she
was too busy sobbing. Reyes was reading the titles of the videos.
Her lips moved as she silently read "FBI Redheads Gone Wild" and
"Hot Bald Guys Pump Things Up." 

"Screw the Buffy idea," growled Skinner. "We'll watch those later,
maybe this weekend with lots of popcorn and Chunky Monkey." 

There were enthused murmurings of agreement from the rest of the
group. 

"What we need to do right now is make TRIPLE damned sure that
Mulder's dead, and then bury him or call his next of kin or
whatever," said Skinner. "Then I guess we'd better solve the
mystery of his death, or go find him in case he's not dead and has
just gone underground again for some mysterious reason." 

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" whined Doggett. "Again???? Mulder,
Mulder, Mulder!" He stomped out of the room. 

"Damn!" Skinner snarled. "Another agent gone missing! Reyes, go
after him. I don't want another missing persons case on my hands." 

"Sure, sir," she said, picking up her booty. "But might I suggest
a cremation this time? That burial just didn't take." 

"Good thinking, agent," Skinner snarled. "Now go find Doggett &
bring back some matches!" 

"Sir?" Scully sniffled. "You're not thinking of...?" 

"Who's the next of kin now," Skinner winked. "Who gets to ID the
body?" 

"Are you trying to get me to tell you that Mulder is Weird Willy's
father, because if you are..." 

Skinner picked up the phone, punched in a few numbers, then said,
"Is this the Maury Povitch Show? Good. Cause I've got a paternity
case for you that's out of this world!"

"Sir" said Reyes, I don't think he HAS a next of kin does he?
Unless you can contact his sister through the Starlight
Foundation. 

Scully gave up being polite and rolled her eyes. "Monica she's
MADE of starlight, the Starlight Foundation helps unfortunate
children". 

"Not having a body is pretty unfortunate" said Reyes rather
defensively. Monica hated it when Scully showed off her Physics
degree. 

Skinner listened to the receptionist for the Maury Povitch show go
through a long list of possible angles for his paternity show
idea. "No, not really alien" saaid SKinner, "but MAYBE alien".
"No, she wasn't abducted, well not at the time in question, she
was before but they gave he cancer, she wasn't pregnant, uh huh,
yeah, um what do you mean too crazy for daytime?" 

Skinner slammed down the phone. "What an Ass!" he screamed. "We
could have made a killing on the book rights". 

"Hey, if Anyone profits from Mulder's death it should be me"
sniffed Scully, rummaging through the sofa cushions for change. "I
had to spend endless hours with him on stakeouts. I'm the one
who's car is full of half chewwe sunflower seeds."

"Let's pack him up," Skinner snarled. 

"WAIT!" shouted Scully. "Shouldn't I do an autopsy?" 

Skinner rolled Mulder's eyeball and his own. "What for?" 

"I dunno. I have to weigh the stomach contents. It's a rule, I
think," Scully whined. 

"Why didn't I get a memo about this?" Skinner snarled. 

"Pssssst," Reyes whispered to Skinner. "Wrong show!" 

"Oh, okay," Skinner said. "Anyway, Let's pack him up. Who wants to
make the beer run?"

******************
"Dammit!" Skinner yelled. He punched 'End' on his phone and thew
it across the room. "Even MoPo ain't got no interest in this
convoluted line o' crap!" 

Reyes ran out of the room. Skinner reached under the couch to grab
his souvenir Mulder eyeball, careful not to touch any Mulder goo. 

Scully stood and stared, heartbroken but not immune to Skinner's
manliness. 

Reyes returned with pouty Doggett, a gas can and a lighter. 

Skinner grabbed the gas can. "Let's do this!" he said. 

"Wait, sir," said Scully. "Shouldn't we move the remains somewhere
else, so that we don't set the building on fire and kill innocent
civilians?" 

Skinner glared. Scully glared. 

"Stupid civilians," Doggett murmured under his breath. 

"Fine," snarled Skinner. "Doggett, mop up this mess and put it in
an ice chest. We're heading for the mountains!" 

*************
"I'll get the beer" said Monica, "since I can't do an autopsy or
clean up properly". She was pouting. 

"Just don't get that diet beer or that fruity beer crap you like"
said Doggett. 

"I LIKE that lemon beer" replied Scully. "It's so fresh and
summery!" 

"Oh for the love of God Scully, Beer is NOT supposed to taste like
fruit" Doggett snarled as he scraped Mulder goo off the floor.
"What the HELL did he eat last night, this is disgusting!" 

"Monica, pick up some Polish Sausages while you're getting the
beer" Doggett yelled at Reyes' back as she walked out the door.
"And REAL sausage, none of those tofurki chicken crap hot dogs you
tree huggers keep trying to feed me". 

*****************'
Doggett looked in Mulder's closet and was impressed with his taste
in shoes. "Nice Florsheims," Doggett said to himself. "And they're
my size too." 

Everyone had always told Doggett that he could never fill Mulder's
shoes. "We'll see about that," Doggett said to no one in
particular. 

Slipping out of his Johnston & Murphy model 4398's, Doggett
grabbed a shoehorn and put on Mulder's black Florsheim model 122s.
They were a perfect fit. 

"I feel like I'm walking on air," Doggett said. He was hungry, and
the Polish sausage stand was right around the corner. 
He winked at Reyes and said, "Care for a little Doggettwurst? I'm
heaven on a bun." 

Reyes laughed and said, "I'm a sucker for a man in quality
footwear. Let's go." 

Doggett smiled at Reyes. "Remember, in Mexico? That guy took my
shoe? What a b*stard. Viva Zapata!" 

Reyes smiled back tenderly and her eyes began to well with tears.
"Good times, John," she whispered. "Good, good times." 
Skinner bounced Mulder's eyeball off Doggett/Mulder's Florsheims. 

"What in the hell is this thing MADE of?" he said. He caught it as
it bounced back, then thumped it off the ceiling. 

"Lay off the shoes, *sshole," snarled Doggett. 

Reyes was pondering Mulder's eyeball. "Must be some type of
sophisticated alien technology." 

"Ain't no such thing as aliens," said Skinner, now playing catch
with Scully. 

"Is, too," said Scully. She caught Mulder's eyeball and wiped off
the dust and fuzz that had accumulated through its various
bouncings. She gazed into the beautiful, soulful, hazel iris. 

"Dearest Fox," she whispered. "Oh, how I miss you!"

Doggett held up some entrails. "Want to say goodbye to him piece
by piece? OR can we get going already? For chrissakes there are
flies trying to get in here!" 

They looked at the window, and sure enough, a cloud of black flies
was hovering just outside. Scully ran to the window and shouted
"Lay off him, he's mine!" 

The flies flew in precious circles until they spelled out "You
complete me." 

"What the...?" Skinner started to snarl, but he was interrupted by
the loud crash of the cooler being dropped. 
"DAMN!" Doggett snarled. "He's just too heavy. We'll have to cut
him up."

As Scully pondered Mulder's eyeball, Jeffrey Spender burst into
the room and shouted "Let's dance!" and begin doing his best Kevin
Bacon impersonation from Footloose. 

Skinner joined him and soon everyone was flailing around and
kicking their feet up to the infectious rythms of Kenny Loggins'
immortal classic. 

"What about Mulder?" Scully shouted to the dancing FBI agents. 

"Mulder who?" Doggett said, laughing.

Scully started sobbing uncontrollably. 

Skinner and Doggett stared at her for a moment, then set about to
find a knife big enough to chop off Mulder’s legs. 

“I hate it when she pulls that hormonal crap” hissed Doggett.
“You’d think she’s react better to his death for the oh, 5th or
6th time now”. 

“Give her a break John, she’s never done a real autopsy on him
before, the last time is was another body we pretended was Mulder” 

Doggett gazed at Skinner , working up the courage to ask a
question that had been bothering him for 2 years. “Sir, er, why
didn’t anyone do an autopsy on Mulder the last time he died? You
know, you find the dead body of a Federal Agent, horribly abused
in the woods, he’s been missing for months and you just bury him,
no questions asked”. 

“I have no freakin’ clue John” said Skinner who was busy digging
through the cutlery drawer, “Do you think Mulder ever cleaned in
here?” 

“Obviously not Sir.. I think the only time this place has been
cleaned was the last time Mulder was missing and/or dead and
Scully had a hazmat suit on scrubbing the place.” 

Skinner held up a rusty butcher knife. "Found it!" 

"I dunno, sir, I think we need a hacksaw." Doggett stood over
Mulder's carcass, scratching his head. "Or maybe a chainsaw." 
Suddenly they heard a very faint, high-pitched whimper. "Oops, I
forgot about William." 

Skinner, Doggett and Reyes all snickered. 

"It's the first time, REALLY!" Scully insisted. 

She ran into Mulder's bedroom then returned with her baby. The
three other agents held their noses and took several steps back. 

"Geez Dana! When's the last time you changed his diaper?" Doggett
scolded. 

"I thought that was Mulder starting to stink!" Skinner set down
the butcher knife. "Why don't you take Weird Willie home, and
we'll finish the clean-up." 

"Monica, would you mind taking him?" Scully shoved her son into
Reyes' arms then started pushing her out the door. 

"Oh no, not again you don't!" Reyes pushed Willie onto Scully then
shoved her through the door way. She slammed the door shut and
leaned against it. "That was a close one!"

After cleaning the Meepmork and filling his bottle with Benedryl,
Scully started to drop chunks of Mulder goo into the autopsy
scale’s pan. “My poor Mulder, I thought you’d come to a better end
than this” she sniffed, and blew her nose on the tacky
southwestern blanket Mulder always kept on the couch. “What the
HELL is that smell?” she gasped. She was afraid Mulder had stashed
a Meepy Nappy under a cushion. Tucked under the blanket was a worn
but unwashed gym sock. 

“Oh no, he had this on his feet before he imploded … or exploded…
or who knows what” thought Scully. “And what are all those tiny
perforations all over what used to be his intestines?” At least
she thought they must be his intestines. The goo didn’t really
look like it could be a kidneys or lungs. 

Scully suddenly wished Monica would return with the beer. Touching
Mulder’s guts was beginning to creep her out. “I wonder if he has
any alien replacement parts” she thought suddenly. “ I didn’t
autopsy him the last time he was dead because Skinner said I was
too hormonal”. 

“Hey Skinner!” she shouted, “before we burn the remains can I run
them through a metal detector?” 

“Why Scully?” shouted Skinner from the kitchen as he banged
through more drawers, hoping to find a clever or chain saw. 
“I was just wondering if he had some strange alien implants that
we should checkout”. 

“No Scully, there are no aliens, and we need to get to the
mountains before sundown”. 

"But sirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," she said, in her best Scully-whiny
voice. "I really think we need to know what happened here before
we go hauling Mulder's nether regions hither and yon and around
and about. What if they're contaminated for something?" 

Reyes popped into the room. "Look what I found!" she piped, as she
held up a nice, sharp, shiny fireman's axe. She began
enthusiastically to remove what was left of Mulder's head from
what was left of his body. 

"Oh, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW," said Doggett as he
was splattered with Mulder gore. He went back into the kitchen,
hoping Mulder had some whiskey, although Mulder was such a pansy
he doubted it. And he was right. The best he could find was a
Seagram's Golden Wine cooler. Feeling completely fruity, he poured
a bit into a highball class and gave the rest to Reyes, who was
sweaty from Mulder-chopping. 

"Reyes!" shouted Scully from the tiny, stinky living room. The
loving flies were still flying in formation outside the window.
"You didn't get the bits quite small enough - get Doggett or
Skinner in here. We need to be able to smash him into that ice
chest. In the meantime, I'll do scientificy-autopsy type things in
order to find out what happened to the perhaps father of my
child." 

"Okey dokey!" yelled Reyes. She handed the axe to Doggett, who was
wrapping himself in plastic wrap in order to avoid being
contaminated. 

"It's too bad Spender messed with Meepy and took away those creepy
levitating powers" said Doggett as he raised the axe, "we could
just bribe the little b*stard with animal crackers to float daddy
dearest down the stairs". 

"Don't you DARE call my Sweet Willie that!" screamed Scully. "You
take that back!". 

"I'm sorry Scully, I didn't mean to call your son a b*stard, even
if you don't know for sure who his father is" said Doggett meekly. 

"Not that you idiot! Stop calling him Meepy. I hate that name,
makes him sound like an alien." 

"Well he might be an alien" chimed in Monica, swiging down her
half of the wine cooler. "How cool would THAT be? Having an alien
baby!" 

"Shut up Agent Reyes" snarled Skinner, "we need to cut the chit
chat, chop up Mulder and get our asses out of here!"

"Righty-ho, sir," Reyes answered, her head lolling unevenly as she
slurred her speech. 

"How many of those have you had?" Doggett asked as he snatched
away her drink. 

"Shusht one," she shlurred. 

"So that time you were in the hospital in that coma...?" Scully
said skeptically, because she was still a skeptic when it came to
anyone's problems other than her own. 

"Yep, I was pathed out!" Reyes announced. 

"Shoot!" Doggett said. "If I'd known it was this easy to get you
drunk I'd have spiked your coffee." 

Reyes grabbed the icky Mexican blanket from the sofa, wrapped it
around her waist, and began dancing a hula. "You don't know what
you've been missing!" she said seductively to Doggett. 

Just then Skinner managed to finish hacking off one of Mulder's
legs, making what was left of his body fall to the floor. Heaps of
yellow rotting fat fell out from under his waist. 

"Ewwww!" Reyes cried, jumping into Doggett's arms. "Whale
blubber!"

"Listen Monica, it's Not whale blubber" huffed Doggett straining
under the sudden weight of the drunken Agent Reyes. "It's human
fat tissue, and for a skinny guy Mulder sure has a lot of it..."
Doggett stared at the pile of running fat cells. He decided he
shouldn't have any more double bacon cheeseburgers with biggie
fries. 

"Well" slurred Reyes as she slid out of Doggett's manly arms to
stand shakily beside him, "he did get a bit chunky there after he
came back from being in hiding". Reyes stared vacantly at the
puddles of fat. ""maybeeee "she giggled "he was eating way too
many burritos and Cheetos and beans and stuff when he was hiding
out there in the desert and he exploded himself on his own gas!"
Reyes proceeded to crack her drunken self up to the point of
snorting, much to the annoyance of Skinner and Scully. 
Doggett was furious with himself. If he'd known Reyes was this
cheap of a drunk he'd have been buying a fifth of Everclear a
month and she'd never be the wiser about the new brand of office
coffee. 

"That's the about the dumbest theory I've ever heard from an Agent
assigned to the X Files Agent Reyes" said Skinner, "and trust me,
some of Mulder's theories are almost impossible to top." 

"Wait sir, she may be on to something" said Scully picking a piece
of Mulder goo off of her shoe. She held up a sliver of half
chewwed sunflower seed. "Maybe did explode from what he ate". 

"SEEEEE!!!! I was Riiiiight!" Squealed Monica as she slid to the
floor holding onto Dogget's knees. She gazed confusedly at Scully
"What was I right about again? *hiccup*" 

"Even a broken watch Monica..." sighed Doggett. 

"The sunflower seeds! Of course!" Scully said excitedly. "Don't
you see what this means? It's proof of everything we've been
working toward, everything we've been trying to prove. This seed,"
she said, dramatically holding up the half-chewed seed. "Is the
secret to LIFE ITSELF!" 

"Oh brother," Skinner said. 

"I may be drunk, but in the morning you'll still be an idiot,"
Reyes said, shaking her finger in front of Scully's face. 

"That's it," Doggett said. He threw Reyes over his broad manly
shoulder and took her to her SUV, where he poured her into the
back seat. He took the keys and said, "Ah-ll be bah-k." 

"Wrong movie!" Reyes giggled. 

In Apartment 42 Skinner stuffed the last of Mulder's remains into
the cooler then hoisted it onto his broad manly shoulders. 

"Coming, Agent Scully? I imagine you'll want to see this." 

Scully sniffled and walked to the door, then turned and looked
wistfully into the apartment. 

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Skinner asked. 

"Oh yeah!" she said, then ran into the apartment and grabbed
Mulder's shirt. 

"I meant, your baby," he said rolling his eyes.

Scully wrapped her baby in Mulder's skanky shirt, then they all
drove out to the woods, where they dumped Mulder's bits and goo
onto a woodpile. 

"I think we should have some kind of ceremony," said Scully.
"Mulder would want that." 

"How many damn funerals does a guy need?" Skinner snarled. 
"She's right," Reyes said. "Dana, go ahead and say something
Catholic." 

"Um, well... I don't actually know any Catholic things to say. I
just wear this cross and get sentimental with my priest
occasionally," Scully confessed. 

"Well, then I'll do it," Reyes said. "Let's all join hands..."

When they had all reluctantly formed a circle, Reyes started
singing "Kum-bayah..." Skinner started singing, then Doggett, but
when Scully started her off-key butchering of this holiest of holy
songs, Reyes said "Um, I think that's enough singing." 

"In most cultures the body gets annointed with oils," Reyes said. 
Skinner popped the lid off the gas can then doused Mulder's
remains. "Consider him anointed, now let's get on with it." 

"Oh great powers that guided this soul through his life, guide him
in death as well." 

Reyes stopped to take a breath, at which time Doggett struck a
match then held the lit match over Mulder's anointed remains and
said, "Done yet?" 

Scully crossed herself, being a good Catholic and all, and Skinner
nodded to Doggett. "Yeah, she's done." 

Doggett tossed the match on the remains and they burst into
flames. 

"Just one more thing," Scully said. She reached into her pocket
and pulled out a fistfull of sunflower seeds. "Here, Mulder. I
know you love them." She burst into tears. 

"Well, that's it then. Whaddaya want to do next?" Doggett winked
at Reyes. 

"Let's go to the mall. I hear Larry's having a sale on spike
heels," Reyes said. 

"Yeah?" Scully's head snapped up. "Any five-inch ones?" 
"One way to find out!" Reyes said, then the pair went off in
search of shoes. 

"Got plans?" Doggett asked Skinner. 

"This isn't that kind of a fic," Skinner snarled. 

So they drove off in opposite directions, leaving the flaming
corpse of Mulder behind them. 

THE END.... or is it?

EPILOGUE -- Six months later 

In a secluded meadow in the middle of the woods, somewhere in
Virginia, a stand of sunflower plants mysteriously appears.

THE END.... really, this time it is!