Naked Mole Ratastic
By NeoX and Raesharra
It was not a dark and stormy night; it was the cloudy and slightly misting early afternoon. To most people's surprise, there had not been a murder, but there had been a severe heckling. Mulder and Scully were sent to investigate the heckling as it was feared rotten vegetable assaults would soon follow.
The victim, one Janice Joclin, sat on the stage, crying. Janice, before the heckling, she had gotten on her soapbox and tried to educate people on the value of the naked mole rat. Scully wrinkled her nose, the last case they’d had involving rats culminated with being attacked by cats under museum.
Mulder grinned, he like anything naked.
" Can you explain what happened the began to talk about naked mole rats?" Scully asked with a slightly sympathetic look.
" At first the audience was very receptive, when I started to describe what a wonderful family unit they formed, they said –" the rest degenerated into it incoherent sob.
Mulder looked like he wanted to give her a hug, but a glare from Scully killed the impulse.
" All I did was tell them how loving they were! How many other animals force feed their young their waste matter to promote good digestion later in life?"
" You have obviously never tried my mother’s cooking." Mulder monotoned.
" Ma’am, I think perhaps, you should have had someone beta that speech. it might have saved you some embarrassment." Scully replied.
Janice’s face became a mask of fury, and she slapped Scully, leaving a handprint on otherwise white cheek. Mulder grinned; he liked catfights even more than he liked naked things.
"I’m afraid striking an FBI agent is a criminal offense." Scully told her, but instead of succumbing nicely to handcuffs, Janice jumped on Mulder’s back, screaming.
Mulder danced wildly with the mad woman clinging to his back, like a barnacle to ship’s hull, yelling " Scully, would you please help me here?"
Before Scully could make a move to help him, Janice mutated into a giant making mole rat and began to attack the villagers.
Mulder quickly decided that he didn’t like all naked things, when the whole rat formally known as Janice bit him. Then she ate an entire taco vendor’s cart. And began to grow bigger… much bigger.
Somewhere, a small Chihuahua was heard to say " Yo quireo Taco Bell."
Mulder, bleeding copiously from his wound, spied an abandoned fire hose and got an idea. He quickly leapt across the street to the zoo, to get the giant mole rat/human mutation’s worst enemy: a large anaconda.
He tried to explain his idea to Scully through hand signals and an interpretive dance, but she shrugged, not understanding. Mulder gave up, and went into the reptile house alone, leaving Scully to reason with the mole rat.
Scully tried to pacify her with a candy bar, but Janice-rat was not amused. Mulder, meanwhile had found 20 feet of reptile love and was staggering to get it out the door. Scully, out of chocolate, finally realized he was doing them dashed over to help him.
Mulder, at this point looked like a brown Michelin man. He was also turning a little blue is the snake tightened its coils.
Scully dug into her purse, and pulled out a small jar of vasiline, which a snake promptly dove for eating it whole. However this gave him stomach cramps so he let Mulder go.
All around them the air seemed to grow lighter. They might have just been lighted headed from inhaling the cloud of gas the snake was painfully extolling, the Janice seem affected too. In the world started to dissolve around them.
16 hours later they woke up the hospital only to learn the Krycek in the LSD in their water supply. Again.
Authors’ notes: Who says you can’t have fun on a train ride from Boston to Haverhill? We wrote it by passing it back and forth, a sentence at a time.