Title: The Night Before X-Files
Category: Poem, parody, humor
Spoilers: Everything Feedback: Yes, please!
Disclaimer: Forgive me Chris Carter, for I have sinned. The X-files monsters and mutants are yours. I promise to bring them back in good condition. I'll even say 5 hail Mulders if you won't sue me. This is not for profit.
'Twas the night before X-files, and all through the sewer
The mutants and monsters, now fewer and fewer,
Rose out of their culverts, sludge, air vents and holes
To discuss what to do with those determined souls
Who had reduced their ranks without mercy or pity
And run several others right out of the city.
"Hear, hear!" said the Flukeman, and called them to order,
"About time," grumbled Tooms, who had chewed through the mortar.
"I'm sorry I'm late!" said Betts, taking his place,
With a spare head tucked under each arm, just in case.
Click, click. . .they all peered through the muck and the gloom
As fourteen eyeless zombies came into the room.
Said Betts, "I am sure I saw something else with them--"
"Oh, he's here," said a zombie, "but you'll never see him. . ."
"I'm hungry!" the mutant Twin eyed them and mumbled.
"Hey, could we get a pizza?" the vampire grumbled.
"Enough!" roared the Flukeman, "we're here to uncover the Truth about mutants like Scully and Mulder.
"They're clearly inferior," said one of Betts's heads.
"Then why," whispered Tooms, "are we ending up dead?"
"I want his eyes". . . click, click. . ."I get his liver!"
"And the rest is for me!" squealed the Twin with a shiver.
"And I will bite Scully," said the Flukeman with glee,
"Ah, together we'll make some fine fluke progeny!"
"Oh, man," Ronnie said, "then her blood will be slime!"
"Could we please get some pizza with mushrooms?" he whined.
A section of floor moved and a new voice intoned,
"If this meeting is over, I would like to go Home. . ."
Then out of the shadows, with a triumphant cry
Came Mulder and Scully shouting, "Freeze! FBI!"
"Who tipped them?" Tooms's eyes turned the color of bile.
"Nobody, we've been trailing your scent for a mile."
The zombies came forward and moved to surround them,
But Frohike, Byers and Langly had found them.
Then the Gunmen let fly an insecticide bomb,
And the zombies dropped dead when their leader was gone.
A splash far away told them Flukeman had fled,
And Betts was still sitting there holding his heads.
"You've got nothing I need," he said with a glance
At Scully, but Ronnie's eyes held her entranced.
Then Mulder bent quickly to untie his shoes. . .
"Ah, man," said Ronnie, "why do we always lose?"
"Because we're the heros." Mulder held his stake tighter.
"That sucks," Ronnie said. "I wanna talk to the writer."
Through the crack in the floor, Tooms had slithered, escaping,
"What can we do?" said Langly. "We could help pound the stake in."
Then from under the floor came a yelp and a groan.
"Well, he's got his fifth liver; now he'll leave us alone."
Mulder peered through the darkness, but the
Twin was not here, Still, not everything dies, so he could reappear. . .
When Scully reported the vampire was dead,
Betts just walked away, shaking all of his heads.
And they all heard him say as he walked out of sight,
"Hey, we gotta get home and watch X-files tonight."