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Title: Spirit Being Summary: Being dead isn't what it used to be ... Scully's POV. Character death. Okay, can someone please tell me where I am? For I've really lost it! Oh, wait, there's somebody ... Excuse me? Do you know what this place is? You see, I've never been here and now ... This is *what*? Oh no, you're kidding me, I don't believe you! But ... but, I mean, I can't be ... I'm *dead*? Geez, I'm dead ... Yes, thank you very much, Sir. I really appreciate it ... No, I'll be fine. Yes, good bye to you, too ... So, where am I now? Oh well, doesn't really matter now, I suppose. Well, Dana Scully, let's face it. You're dead. One moment you're out in the field with Mulder and then ... BANG ... some lunatic blasts you right into the next world. Quite some situation you've gotten yourself into, girl, my compliments! Yes, you might as well just laugh about it, because this is by far the most ridiculous situation you've ever found yourself in. Jesus, I'm dead! I'm dead, gone, deceased, and every other term they've invented for being 'vertically challenged'. I'm fucking dead! I wonder how Mulder's keeping up. I wonder where he is now? New surroundings, I must be somewhere else now. I have to admit, this kind of travelling does have its advantages ... I mean, no more delayed planes, no more traffic jams, just an imaginary snap with the fingers and we're right where we want to be. Well, in my case, where I find myself, for I'm afraid I haven't quite mastered the art of this kind of space travel yet. Beam me up, Scotty ... Dana Scully, you hate sci-fi, so don't get all crazy now that you don't quite understand the situation anymore! Eh, let's see, where am I? Why's nobody telling me anything?! Do I have to find everything out myself?! For God's sake, I'm new here! Tell me something! Don't you folks learn about the Constitution? I have the right to know, I have ... I am where? Ah ... And Mulder, is he here, too? Mulder, Fox Mulder, he's my partner. Well, was my partner anyway ... Well, he's six foot tall, handsome, short brown hair and ... oh, and he's an FBI-agent. Yes, I was one myself, too. Yes, I am a woman, what's your point? Listen, can you please just tell me where I can find him? Yeah, thanks ... Room number two. Must be the place. Hey, I can't take hold of the door-handle! Come on, how am I supposed to open ... Okay, false alarm, I'm already inside ... I think I can get used to not having a real body, this condition sure has its advantages. Boy, it's dark in here. Oh wait, just around the bend are some ... ... candles ... Oh my God ... ... that's me in that coffin ... And there's Mulder and mom, and ... Mom! Can you hear me? Mulder? Oh, dammit! They can't hear me ... Mulder! Mulder, please ... Oh God, Mulder, you're crying ... I'm so sorry, Mulder ... Mom? They're talking about me. I want to know what they're saying, I want to hear what ... I'm crying, too ... Oh, Mulder, did you really? But why didn't you tell me, why ... Yes, sweetheart, I love you, too ... I only wish I could find a way to tell you ... Don't go anywhere, Mulder, I'm gonna find a way to let you know! Stay right where you are! Hey! Can you tell me how I can talk to people who aren't dead yet? Well, yes, I *am* new around here, I mean ... Don't laugh at me like that! Why are you folks laughing like that? I just wanted to know how ... Agent Pendrell? Do you know why they're laughing at me like that? I just wanted to know if there would be a way to talk to Mulder, I ... There isn't ... Great ... But there has to be a way I can tell him I love him? Why, yes, Pendrell, I love him ... Does that come as a disappointment to you? But, dear Alan, I really liked you. Very much. I wouldn't know where I'd have been without your help and when I heard you were dead, I ... But, you know, I couldn't help falling in love with Mulder ... You do? Oh, Alan, I'm so glad you understand. You're going to help me? That's wonderful! When are we ... For a kiss ... You're doing this for a kiss ... Of course, Alan, it's the least I can do. Come here, I'll give you your reward in advance, okay? Wow, you're blushing! Doesn't matter, Pendrell, it's okay. So, what do we do first? Here I am, waiting. There's not much I can do right now, I guess. Maybe you're wondering where Pendrell is at the moment. Well, he's out trying to brook some favours to help me. He's really such a sweet guy ... Special Agent Dana Scully, FBI. This is the n-th time I'm saying this to myself, letting it roll off my tongue as easily as I did it back in life. Special Agent Dana Scully MD. I can't get over it ... It sounds so stupid, so futile now ... You know, when you're alive, you're always busy making a name for yourself, getting a career and things like that, and come on, doesn't it sound fab to be able to say you've got a Ph.D.? Yes, it sure does, especially when you find out that after death, it means precisely shit. Nobody cares ... Wow, now this thought's really gonna boost my ego ...! I wonder where Mulder is now. Do you think he's still at the funeral parlour? Probably. And my mother's there as well, I think. You know, when I saw myself lying there, it was hard to make myself realise that this body was really mine. It seems so strange, to know that you're dead, it's so ... But I'm really feeling for Mulder. He probably feels tremendously guilty for the fact that he wasn't able to save me. Please, Mulder, don't feel guilty, you couldn't help me ... I wish I'd be able to tell him that. And that I love him. I really do. Love him, that is. And I want to tell him. Before, in an act of Mulder-esque madness, he's gonna ... Oh my God! I have to find him. I have to save him! He's going to ... Oh my God! But I can't just leave, Pendrell will be looking for me and ... Sir, could you please tell Alan Pendrell that I'll be right back? I've got something to do ... Thanks a lot, I owe you. Yeah, bye. Okay, Fox Mulder, don't you dare do anything without me! I've been at his apartment, but he wasn't there and he wasn't at mom's either, though mom was home. I saw her crying ... I felt so sorry for her, I never wanted to ... Oh Lord, I'm crying myself as well ... Since when have I been so emotional? But even though I've found my mother, I still don't know where Mulder is. Well, that's not true, I do know where he is, he's with me. At the funeral parlour. But frankly I don't want to go there anymore ... Okay, Dana Scully, forget about what it is *you* want. Right now it's about what *he* wants, and what's best for him! And you have to get to him. Before he's going to do anything stupid. Again ... Here I am again, at the funeral parlour. And I find I was right, Mulder's here. I've never seen him like this. He looks impossibly sweet. He loves me ... He looks at my face, though I still can't really see what it looks like. Strange, I've always been quite easy-going when it came to corpses, even the worst mutilated ones didn't really affect me, but I find it unbearable to think that this - undamaged - body here is mine. That this red-haired woman isn't just another corpse in a morgue, but that she's me. She's me ... He softly smoothes my hair and then I know I have to know what I'm looking like. Come on, Dana, you're braver than this! I step up to Mulder and go to stand next to him. If only he knew I was here beside him ... I'm standing at his left and as he places his right hand over my folded hands, I have to grasp his other hand to prevent me from breaking down. I don't think he realises I'm holding his hand. I'm not. I'm just covering it, because I can't hold it. Do you get it? I CAN'T HOLD HIS HAND! I can't hold his hand, for God's sake ... I can't touch him, I can't speak to him, I can't do anything to comfort him ... I can't ... I love you, Mulder ... And with his hand under mine, I finally venture to look at myself. She's me. She's not me. She's me, because she's wearing my clothes, she's wearing my cross-necklace, her hair is like mine. She's not me, because I'm here, in the next world. She's just a shell right now, she's empty, useless. She's just a couple of pounds of flesh - meat. Ready to be eaten by bacteria and insects after she's put under the ground. Easy as that. And she's so still. Her whole body is absolutely motionless. And of course it is, she's dead, but if she *is* me, she's not ... Is she me? I look up at Mulder. He's smiling a bit, though his eyes are red and the tears have left their traces on his cheeks. His hand is over my hands, his thumb softly stroking the flesh, though it hardly moves with his movements. Rigor mortis. Oh my God ... He's speaking to me. At last. He was so awfully quiet and ... What? Mulder, no! He smiles as if he's finally found his final destination, that what he has to do ... No, Mulder, I won't allow you to come to me already ... Mulder, please! I know you miss me, I miss you, too, horribly. But you're not ready to go, Mulder ... I try furiously to take his hand, to show him I am with him. He thinks I've gone. He thinks I've left him alone. He thinks he has to kill himself to be with me. Can't he see I'm here with him? No, he can't. He can't see me, he can't hear me, he can't feel me! But I'm going to show him I'm with him. For ever and ever. Until he dies and then we'll be reunited. At last. Go home, Mulder. Go home, this corpse isn't going anywhere - wait a sec, you're talking about yourself, Dana Scully. Whatever. Go home, Mulder, go get some sleep. I'll be waiting for you to arrive. I see him lift his hand from mine and he looks at me. I look at me, too. My face is so pale, livid. And so are my lips. They've put lipstick on them, but I can see there's no colour, no blood in them anymore. And they're cold. They're no longer warm, they're no longer my lips. My lips have spoken, eaten, they've kissed and loved, though I've never kissed Mulder ... Never actively, that is, for at that moment he bends over and presses a soft kiss on them. I stagger. And then I run out of the room, crying, not able to stand being here any longer. Pendrell's back. He was waiting for me and I hope he's not angry with me for letting him wait so long. He isn't. He's such a sweet guy. Well, Alan, you found anything? You haven't ...? But ... but I've got to get to him, Alan, he's ... Yes, he is ... Well, I already thought he ... Alan, *if* he should kill himself, will he be coming here or ... No ...? No, I don't think there's anything else you can do for me, Alan. It's okay ... Don't worry, I'll be careful. Thank you very much. Pendrell's really such a good man. I wish he hadn't been the victim in that shooting, he really didn't deserve that. Anyway, now I've got a major problem. Because there's no way I can speak to Mulder and what other ways do I have to make sure he's not going to shoot himself? Alan said he'll never come to this place if he does. Suicide victims go to another place ... I want him here with me! Well, first I've got to find Mulder again. I hope he did what I advised him to do. I hope he went home. I think I know what to do ... He did. He went home. Good boy. I see his coat on the coat rack and I hear sounds coming from the kitchen. He's most likely making coffee. One cup, he'll never be making two cups anymore ... He'll probably want to sit on the couch, so I take a chair. And try to sit. Have you ever imagined how difficult it can be to simply sit down when you're ... well ... body-deficient ...? Gravity has suddenly become something unimportant, it's really funny. I sit down and then I push myself up a bit. And there I am, hanging in the air, about two inches above the seat of the chair. This is ridiculous! Then I pull myself down - straight *through* the seat of the chair until only my head comes out. I must be looking like a prop from a cheap horror movie. And I'm playing like a child, laughing out loud. I'm really enjoying myself! That is, until I see his gun on the coffee table. I immediately sober down. Oh God, he is going to shoot himself! Okay, Dana, this is not the time to panic, you know what you've got to do. I reach down and pick up the thing I've brought. My gift for Mulder. I pray to God that it will indeed change materialistically once it changes from my new world to Mulder's world. That it will not fade away when I place it on the table. It's my last hope. It's my only hope. You're probably wondering what it is I've brought. I can imagine that, but it's so corny that frankly I'm a bit embarrassed to tell you. Okay, so you've guessed it. A red rose. Ain't that sweet? Yes, it's a rose. A red one. But if all goes well, it won't remain red. In case you don't understand, just watch and meanwhile please be quiet, because I've really got to concentrate now. I place the red rose over Mulder's gun and as I remove my hand I close my eyes. Please God please God please ... I open my eyes and look. The rose's still there! So far so good. Now all we have to do is wait for Mulder. You mean he still hasn't finished brewing his coffee, I hear you ask? Well, it's strange, eternity. And though I still don't understand a whole lot of it - I'm still a beginner after all - I found out that, after death, time doesn't work quite the way it does in the world of the living ... Oh wait, here he comes ... He's sipping his coffee. His eyes are still red, he's still crying. Oh, Mulder, if only you knew I am so close by. I am close by. Closer than ever. I'm looking at you, Mulder. I can't look at anything else. You're filling my sight and my senses ... I love you. Please understand the message I'm trying to give you: I love you ... Then I see you look at your gun, and you frown. For I'm pretty sure you didn't expect a red rose to cover the weapon. You reach out your hand to pick it up from the table, but hesitate. This situation puzzles you. I'm a jittering bunch of nerves. Well, kind of, that is. Will it work? Please, God, I'll never want anything else in my life ... well, my proverbial life, of course ... shit, this is so confusing ... Then I look back at Mulder. And I see him take the flower. It turns yellow. Glory to God, it turned yellow! Yellow, he knows I always liked yellow roses best. And now this red rose of passion turned yellow. My colour ... He smiles. Thank you, God, you made him smile! You made him understand. He understands. At least I hope he does ... Then I see him lift the rose to his lips and he kisses it, very gently. I'm delighted to see that particular petal turn red again, though it looks ridiculous: a yellow rose with one red petal. Red, the colour of love, the colour of passion. He loves me and I love him. He's keeping the rose in his hands as if it were the most delicate crystal. And he speaks to it. Mulder, no!! Oh Lord, he's still planning to kill himself and I rush towards him. I can't touch him, but because the rose is also part of my world I accidentally knock the red petal off the rose. I can't touch him. He still cannot feel me, but he sees the red petal fall off the flower and he hesitates for a moment. I see his frown, he doesn't know what to make of all this. Then his eyes once again drift to the gun. Oh, Mulder, do I really have to ruin this whole rose to make you understand you can't follow me to where I went? Please, darling, stop considering killing yourself! I feel so tired, so exhausted all of a sudden. I want rest, peace! Please, Mulder ... I'm terrified. I know this rose made him realise I'm here. But obviously he doesn't want me to be here with him in his world, he wants to be with me in my world. And he can't be! He'll never be able to come to me if he ... And then I know. I have to concentrate. Real hard. I'll make him see. I'll make him see me. And then he'll know how much I love him. Sweat is beading on my fore-head. This is so hard ... And I'm already so tired ... so tired ... I look at my hand and see it materialise very slowly. Concentrate, Dana, you've got to concentrate! I have my eyes closed and I'm biting my lip in an effort to make him see me. Then, suddenly, I feel a snap and I know I've reached my maximum. I hope he can see me, I really can't do any better ... I open my eyes and look at Mulder. He looks stupid with his mouth hanging open and it makes me grin. He smiles. He truly smiles. Like I've never seen him smile before. I want to walk up to him, but I find that I cannot move, or some parts of me start disappearing again. He understands and he slowly comes closer to me. His confusion is probably the reason why he seems to forget he's seeing a ghost right now. He doesn't try to touch me, he probably realises this is not really the Scully he knew. He knows I'm dead. I find out I can't speak to him, but instead I merely point at his gun and shake my head. He looks at it, grins, and throws it on the couch. I'm so glad he finally understands that I give him the most beautiful smile I have in store, a smile nobody ever gets to see. Nobody but him ... And then, for the first time since I died, I hear him speak directly to me. Not to my body, but to me. "I love you, Scully. I always will." I once again close my eyes and start concentrating. I want to speak to him, I've got to speak to him. He deserves it. I feel moisture on my cheeks and I'm not sure whether it's sweat or tears. This is so hard ... Then I know this is the right moment and I open my eyes again and cover his hands. I'm not certain he can feel me, but I know he can see and hear me. "I love you, too", I hear myself whisper. I know he has heard me for I see him literally beaming with happiness. He keeps his hands extended for a little while longer after which he slowly turns to put the gun back in the holster. Then I let myself drift away, back to my own world. I'm exhausted. I'll be waiting for you, Mulder. You'll be safe. We'll be together. Not now, but soon. And I'll love you forever. FINIS |