Title: Ralphy Doo
Author: Bibi the Magnificento!
Author's page: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/66930/
Written: 05/31/2001
Category: X-Files
Genre: Humor/Parody
Spoilers: Maybe Home, Quagmire and Irresistible. Heck, it's all utter nonsense anyway.
Disclaimer: You know, I really wish I owned these characters, but I don't. I really wish I owned the show, but I don't. And I guess it would be interesting to own Scooby Doo or Happy Gilmore, but I don't really care. I think it would be awesome to own the Monkees, but you know the drill. Oh, and I also don't own *N Sync, even though I guess I wouldn't mind having a few of them in my harem.
Words: 5265
Rating: PG

Summary: Parody of Scooby Doo. The "gang" finds an alien and goes to a spooky and foreboding looking mansion on the hill on the edge of the overgrown, creepy woods.

EXCUSE: It's midnight again, and if you've read Midnight Madness, then you'll understand.

'Ralphy Dalphy Doo, where are you?
We've got some work to do now.
You know we've got a mystery to solve
so Ralphy Doo be ready for your act,
don't hold back.
And Ralphy Doo if you come through
you're gonna have yourself a Ralphy Snack!
That's a fact!"

It was a dark, spooky night, complete with a full moon. The gang all piled into the Rental Machine on their search for a crazy and kooky mystery! The gang consisted of Fox, Dana, Reyes, Doggy and their smart but scaredy-cat poodle, Ralphy Doo.

"Hey Fox," Dana said. "Why don't we go for a drive through that overgrown, creepy looking wood?"

"Okay, Dana," he replied. "It sounds like super fun."

"More fun than watching porn?" Reyes asked from the back seat.

"No," Fox said, "Nothing is more fun than watching porn!"

[Laugh Track]

"Ri'm rungry!"

"Here Ralph, ole buddy," Doggy said, "Have a Ralphy Snack!"

Then, all of the sudden, their back left tire popped!

"Zoikes!" exclaimed Doggy, who jumped into Ralphy Doo's arms. "What was that?"

"Relax, Doggy. That's just the tire," Reyes answered.

"Oh. I thought it was my ex-wife trying to shoot me."

[Laugh Track]

The gang all piled out of the Rental Machine and gathered around the tire.

"Jinkies, Fox!" Reyes exclaimed. "You just ran over an Alien Ice Pick! And look, there's the alien that was using it!"

Sure enough, there was a little gray man under the back right tire. Ralphy Doo clung to Doggy.

"Ri'm rared!"

"Me too!"

Fox held Dana protectively. "Is it dead Reyes?"

"I can't tell by looking, but I think so...Ralphy, stop. That's not food!"

"Rorry," said Ralphy, backing away from the alien and giving a sheepish grin.

[Laugh Track]

Then all of the sudden the alien lifted the Rental Machine off it's chest and stood up, making the standard scary monster noise.

"I will abduct you alllllllllllll." It said and then beamed up to a space ship. One trail down a wayward cow was beamed up as well.


"Zoikes," said Doggy.

"I'm handsome," said Fox. Dana nodded.

"And I look good in purple!"

Reyes shook her head. "I think we should investigate!"

So the gang made their way to the spooky and foreboding looking mansion on the hill just on the edge of the overgrown, creepy woods. After all, Doggy and Ralphy Doo were hungry.

When they got to the mansion, Fox boldly knocked on the door. No one answered.

"Think we should just go in?" he asked. The were about to when a voice stopped them. It was Sheriff Andy Taylor's good ole deputy Barney! He looked young and slightly handsome, but sounded just like Don Knotts.

"Halt! Who goes there?" He shined his flash light at them.

"It's Barney Fife," exclaimed Dana.

"It's Paster. Barney Paster."

[Laugh Track]

He lowered the flash light with a shaky hand. Boy, did he seem nervous! He motioned them aside. "You kids shouldn't be out here on a night like this, at this spooky and foreboding looking mansion on the hill just on the edge of the overgrown, creepy woods. Strange folks live here."

"But we just saw an alien and a space ship," Fox explained. "We came here to investigate."

"Well, in that case, let me lead the way." Barney swung the door open and out of no where an axe swung forward and chopped his head off!


Due to the grotesque nature of this fanfic, Home, uh, we mean "Ralphy Doo" will not be aired at it's place in the Thanksgiving Marathon countdown. Stay tuned at 10 pm to watch...uh, read "Ralphy Doo." We now return you to your regularly programmed fic.



"The house is booby trapped!" exclaimed Fox. Doggy gulped.

"B-b-booby trapped?"

[Perilous music!]

"Well, we'd better go inside and look around," said Dana. They all stepped over Barney's lifeless and now headless body and made their way inside. They were greeted by a rich looking chap in a lounge robe, who looked mysteriously a lot like the Well Manicured Man.

"I thought you were dead," Fox said, while scratching his head.

"Dead?" the WMM questioned. "What do you kids think you are doing here at this spooky and foreboding looking mansion on the hill just on the edge of the overgrown, creepy woods? You are trespassing on my property!"

"Ooooh," said Doggy. "Nice accent!"

"Reah," chipped in Ralphy Doo.

"Thank you."

"We're investigating an alien sighting," Reyes said, pushing her glasses back up her nose. "The spaceship abducted a cow!"


"Well, in that case, you can stay here to investigate as long as you like!"

"Good," Dana said, "Because the Rental Machine has a flat tire anyway."

"What's your name, anyway, sir," asked Doggy.

"Justin Timberlake."

[Laugh Track]

"The Justin Timberlake," exclaimed Dana. "Wow!"

"No, you ninny. It's an unfortunate coincidence. I'll have my maid, Marita, take you to your rooms."

Marita stepped forward. "This way," she said in a German accent, because everyone knows that all maids are German and used to be gymnasts. They followed her to their rooms. One for Fox, Doggy and Ralphy Doo, and the other for Reyes and Dana.

In the boys' room, Fox was soon fast asleep, his little sailor outfit hanging on a hook by his bed. But Doggy and Ralphy were too hungry to sleep.

"Come on Ralphy ole boy. Like, let's go find some grub!"

"Reah, rub!"

[Laugh Track]

They wandered down to the kitchen, whereupon they found the sumo wrestlers wet-dream: a fridge that took up the space of an entire room! They stood there for about an hour admiring and gazing. Then they ate everything they could get their hands on: celery, cheese sticks, bacon, turkey bacon, turkey, turkey ham, salami, pastrami, kibbles and bits, some alien fetuses- wait! Alien fetuses?


So they gorged and gorged and gorged. Ralphy Doo even had some lettuce.


Then they felt a spooky hair raising presence with them in the fridge. Doggy backed up and grabbed onto Ralphy's paw.

"Ralphy ole pal, did you feel that?"

"Ruh? Ri'm rover rere!"

Doggy's eyes got really wide. "Th-th-than who's paw am I-"

Doggy turned around to see...THE GHOST OF QUEEQUEG!!!

[Perilous music!]


"Boo-ark!" Queequeg proceeded to chase them about the fridge while happy late sixties songs played.

"Freakin' out in the afternoon, 
Lookin' at a daytime moon. 
Talk to me, I'll talk to you, 
Do you know what you do? 
Yeah, you tear the top right off my head
Blow my mind. 
I'm goin' blind."
 -Tear the Top Right Off My Head, The Monkees.

Then Queequeg lost them when they ran into a living room that was upside down. He looked all around for Doggy and Ralphy Doo, but couldn't find them. So he floated off down the hallway. Ralphy and Doggy popped out of the vase they were hiding in, with flowers in their hair.

"Phew," said Doggy. "That was close."

But wait! Queequeg hadn't really left! So the chase resumed and he chased them all the way to the room that Fox was sleeping in.

"Fox! Help," Doggy said, slamming the door behind him and trapping poor Ralphy Doo outside. Ralphy pounded on the door.

"Reah, relp! Relp re!!!!"

[Laugh Track]

In the other room, Reyes and Dana woke up.

"What's all the racket," Dana asked. Reyes opened the door, and Ralphy clumsily ran inside.

"Rhost! Rhost," Ralphy said. Reyes saw Queequeg and gasped.

"Jinkies! It is a ghost!"

"Quick, Reyes," Dana shouted. "What do we do?"

She leaned against the dresser and accidentally knocked over a candle. A secret passageway opened up in the wall.

"Look, Dana, you found a passageway! Let's find out where it leads!"

So Reyes, Dana and Ralphy Doo went along the passage way. When they got to the end, it opened into Fox and Doggy's room! They quickly put their knowledge together and decided the best bet was to split up and search for a solution.

"Doggy, you, Reyes and Ralphy search the passage way and see if you can find any more openings," Fox dictated. "Dana and I are going to search this dark, secluded closet!"


So they went their separate ways, no one wondering what Dana and Fox could possibly find in a dark, secluded closet with no where to look. In the passageway, Reyes found a peep hole that was most likely going through a painting of some dead president. She looked through.

"Jinkies! I can see Justin Timberlake, now! And he's with the other Justin Timberlake! They're talking to an alien!"

"Ralien," whimpered Ralphy. "Ret's ro."

"Quiet, Ralphy. I can't hear what he's saying!"

"So, Mr. Alien dude. You're saying that, like, when the world is taken over by aliens, we get to rule North America, own the Ice Cream factories, have our own private harems, and wear lots of ice around our necks?"

"No," the alien said impatiently. "We just want you to kill Brittany Spears!"

"Oh," the *N Sync boy said. "But do we get all that stuff when the world is taken over by aliens?"



[Laugh Track]

"Jinkies," Reyes said. "We've got to stop them Doggy. Quick, let's find Fox and Dana."

"Reyes," Doggy said, "Did it ever occur to you that Fox and Dana always get to go search together when we split up?"


"And doesn't that seem strange?"


"Okay, just checking. Let's go!"

[Laugh Track]

Meanwhile, in the closet...

"Oh Fox! You're so foxy!"

"Oh Dana! You're so...Danish?"

"Oh no," Dana said, "We've been so busy in this closet, we haven't actually searched anywhere! Hurry, let's go find some room and act like we got trapped in there through some sort of trap door!"


So Dana and Fox found a room and pretended to be trapped, shouting for Doggy and Reyes all the time. Soon, the others came to their rescue.

"Justin Timberlake and Justin Timberlake are helping the aliens take over the world," Doggy said.


"And *N Sync is going to kill Brittany Spears," Reyes added.

"Nooo," Fox said.

[Laugh Track]

Well, they all decided they needed to come up with a way to get rid of Queequeg's ghost before they would be free to stop the Justin Timberlakes.

"Why don't we come up with an elaborate system to catch him under a sheet," suggest Fox.

"No," said Reyes, "Dana will just trip over a chord or hit the wrong button and screw it up again."

"Hey," Dana said defensively. "We always prevail in the end anyway."

"Wait," Doggy said, "I've got a solution!"

He wouldn't tell them anything but that they needed to get Queequeg to follow them around and bring him to the lounge at exactly 2 am. where he'd meet them with a special someone.

So Queequeg chased them all around some more to more happy late sixties songs.

"I'm sleeping and right in the middle of a good dream
like all at once I wake up from something that keeps knocking
at my brain
Before I go insane I hold my pillow to my head
and spring up in my bed screaming out the words I dread
I think I love you (I think I love you)"
-I Think I Love You, The Partridge Family

They sneakily led him to the living room where they saw Doggy standing with...

"Chubbs Peterson from Happy Gilmore," Reyes exclaimed. "Jinkies!"

[Laugh Track]

Queequeg stopped to ponder this. Chubbs walked forward.

"Hey there, Queequeg. I feel your pain, man. You were eaten by a crocodile, my hand was eaten by a crocodile. Let's go grab ourselves a coffee and chat."


So Queequeg happily floated off with Chubbs.

"Wow, Doggy," said Fox. "Good idea! Now, on to catching Justin Timberlake before the aliens take over!"

"What about *N Sync," Doggy asked.


"Oh, let them kill Brittany. There's tons of little Brittany clones in the music industry anyway," said Reyes. "Ralphy, we need you to lure the well manicured Justin Timberlake!"

"Ruh uh," he said.

"Not for a Ralphy Snack?"

"Ruh uh."

[Laugh Track]

"Two Ralphy Snacks?"

"Ruh uh."

"Four Ralphy Snacks, and that's my final offer!"


[Laugh Track with added in snort]

So they grabbed a nearby sheet to capture WMM Timberlake in. They ran around through the spooky and foreboding looking mansion on the hill just on the edge of the overgrown, creepy woods, chasing him and thwarting the aliens, until finally, after Dana tripped over a few rugs and Fox paused to look in a mirror, and Ralphy and Doggy quivered in each other's arms, Reyes plopped the sheet down on Justin. The policemen, who had mysteriously just shown up, gathered around. I mean, where were their lazy asses when the alien abducted that cow?


[Laugh Track]

"Okay, gang," said Fox, "Let's uncover the criminal!"

The pulled the sheet off Justin Timberlake, but it wasn't him! It was-

"Marita," exclaimed Reyes.

But that was a mask, and it was really-

"Dr. Parentay," exclaimed Doggy.

"It's Parenti," yelled Dana. "Get it right!"

But that was a mask too, and it was really-

"Langley?" Fox gasped.

But it was obvious that it was just a really ugly mask of Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Picture show, and it was really-

"John Stewart," Dana gasped. "I love you!"

[Laugh Track]

But that too was a mask! They pulled it off to reveal-

"Brittany Spears!" Fox panted. "I love you more than my porn!"

"Wait, Fox," said Reyes. "That's just a wig. Brittany Spears is a man!"

They pulled off the wig to reveal that Brittany spears was not only just a man, but-

"Skin-man?!" they all chorused.



"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids," Skinner said. "Justin Timberlake was going to marry me!"

"Which one," asked Doggy.

"Does it matter," Skinner asked. "I had a good pop career going and a good alien conspiracy too!"

"Good job, kids," said the cop. "You really know how to catch your criminals."

And they hauled the pansy away in the paddy wagon. And then they all went back to the overgrown, creepy woods and patched up the flat tire on the Rental Machine and drove to the nearest Ice Cream place where they ate ice cream and discussed porn (except for Dana, who ate a low-fat tofutti rice dreamsicle). Ralphy and Doggy ate nine celery and cheese stick shakes, and Ralphy Doo stole the rest of Dana's dreamsicle.


"Oh Ralphy," chuckled Dana.

"Ralphy Dalphy Doo!"

[Laugh Track]


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