Summary: Some say Mulder has nightmares. They just don't know what form they take.
Notes: My first fic posted here. Maybe that's the reason my nails have been bitten down to stubs... So. This is a bit of fluff that I wrote after hearing the comment, "If Mulder dreams, what does he dream about?" Well, maybe this can answer the question. :) Feedback always appreciated and well-received! Released: April 1, 1999
Falling crazily from the sky, out of the clouds and the dark blue, faster, faster, spiraling down to hit the ground.
Impact on the ground, a wake-up call to someone who's sleeping eternally, knock, knock, no one's home this time.
Alone like only can be in death, deep in the ground, gone, gone, cold and shivering loneliness.
I wake up with a parched throat, stiff neck, and generally feeling godawful.
Many people who I've met assume that I have nightmares. They're right, I do--but not in the sense that they probably think.
The first years after Sam was abducted, I dreamt about her being taken away. But I didn't see her. Oh, no.
I felt what she must have felt; sickness, a need for help, and surpassing all, bone-chilling terror. Waking up in a cold sweat, I'd be screaming my own name. "Fox!"
People want to know why I don't want them to call me by my first name. The reason isn't because I despise it. It's because Samantha was the last one who did. She's the only one who ever had that privilege, and it will remain like that forever.
And then when Scully was taken away...my dreams were even worse then. I could feel her, calling my name, screaming out for help. But I didn't feel anything. No emotions, no visuals. I was in a gray vortex having my soul being sucked away by my partner's voice crying for help.
I relive my father's death over and over again. Melissa dies in front of me countless times. I see Scully and Sam being taken away from me as I watch, silently, unable to even scream.
All in a night's work.
People say I have nightmares.
They should try getting in my head.
Suffocating and there's no one here! Scully! Where are you?! Samantha! Save me! DAD!
Ohgodohgodohgod, he's here, he's coming to take Sam away from me again, FROZEN! I can't move why can't I move! SAM! Oh, Sam, I'm sorry, why did they leave me here alone?
Sometimes I open my eyes to find myself back in Martha's Vineyard, watching my sister being taken away from me. Again.
But it isn't Sam...it's Scully. Why does it matter? I failed them both.
And then I wake up again on the couch, television blaring, and I wonder if what I dream is prophetic.
But I'm afraid to fall asleep again, because I'll be thrown headfirst back into what other people think and feel. I see the world through their eyes.
Emphatic as some claim or not, I'm plagued by my dreams. I'd welcome insomnia over what I happens in my sleep.
Because, as soon as I shut my eyes, I'm in another world....
Swimming in a sea of despair, going under, falling, drowning, SPLASH!
Burst out of the surface, NO! Gun to my head, drown or die, drown or die, drown in emotions and feelings or let my soul die by closing everyone out? Drown!
Under again, no air, sudden relief, they don't have me yet.
That's one of the choices I seem to make when I'm not dreaming about someone I failed. What should I do? I can either let myself acknowledge my emotions, quit shutting them off from memory, actually allow myself to feel for others again. But, most definitely then I'll find myself drowning in an introspective mood. Talk about self-flagellation; that's when I get it worse.
Or, I can close everyone out, going back to the way I was when I worked for the VCS. All bravado, all macho man, all hey-I-know-I-can-do-this-with-a-hand- tied-behind-my-back logic and Spooky Mulder techniques. But then I was suffering inside so much I almost let go.
I still almost let go on nights when it all builds up. But it's my partner who keeps me going.
But if the dreams would only stop, I'd guarantee I'd live a lot easier.
* End *
All feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org
=============================================================================== "Nightmares" by Gallagher, K.
This story was downloaded from the Gossamer Project on 8 August 2016. Do not archive stories elsewhere without permission from the author(s). See the Gossamer policies for more information: http://tooms.gossamer.org/local/policies.html ===============================================================================