Title: Mulder's Christmas Carol
Author: Amy C.
Written: December 1996
Rated: Well, PG-13 for some words. Angst. Serious Mulder angst. Scully angst, but not so serious, a little. MSR, you betcha. No physical stuff, just emotional stuff. You anti-shippers MIGHT be able to stomach it. Depends on your sensibilities. Also, a few fourth season spoilers. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fox, just borrowing!! Really! I make no money, really. You should see the car I drive. Honestly, would I drive THAT heap if I were getting rich off of fanfic???? I think not. Oh, and since Dickens is dead, oh well. Too bad, fella.

Summary: Mulder has a Christmas Eve experience that forces him to make some decisions about his life and Scully's place in it. Based loosely on "A Christmas Carol"

I know this Christmas story is late, but I was without access for awhile. Please read it anyway :) Re-capture that Christmas cheer for a few more minutes!! For all fans of the Eviction Saga, no it is not dead. Well, the disk that held the next two stories is, but I can re-writee them from memory...I hope. Anyway.THEY ARE COMING!!

Mulder sat on his couch, bathed in darkness, his apartment devoid of all the inane signs of Christmas cheer. Christmas Eve. Another holiday to remind him how small his family had become. He had not minded when his mother decided to visit some of her family in Vermont for Christmas. It saved him from summoning up Christmas spirit on her behalf. It was just too painful for him.

He had repeatedly turned down Scully's invitations to spend Christmas with her family. Yeah, he thought wryly, all they need is ANOTHER reminder that their Melissa was gone...because of ME

He knew she meant well. She was just worried about him. He had been awfully morose and scrooge-like lately. Ever since the Paper Hearts case had resurged, and he had killed Roche, he knew he hadn't been the best company. He had suffered so much emotional turmoil this year already, only to have his hope of his sister's whereabouts threatened with another possible, horrid truth. The more he contemplated the past year, the more he seemed to be spiraling down into a dark abyss from which escape seemed impossible. He questioned his very existence. Was he wasting his life chasing aliens when his sister was most likely buried in a cold, shallow grave? Was it worth losing his father? Melissa? Countless others who died as a result of their help in his quest? What about Scully? Her association with him had brought her nothing but grief and pain.

He was such an asshole. He should have sent her away a long time ago. he should have had her transferred away from him after her abduction and return. He didn't out of selfishness. He was too god-damned selfish. He wanted her with him. And she stayed. Through everything, she stayed. He had begun to think that only his death would free her of him. Keep her safe. Sometimes he thought his death was the solution to everything . His eyes rested on the gun that lay on the coffee table, its dark metal gleaming in the moonlight. The only thing that stopped him from reaching for it was the thought that he would ruin the holiday for his mother and Scully forever. That would be too selfish. With a weary sigh, he laid down on the couch and closed his eyes. His pathetic life would continue for another day, at least. For now, maybe sleep would give him some peace. Tonight, at least. If there was a God anywhere, he hoped he would sleep peacefully tonight.

"If you are out there, maybe you can fix my fucked-up life while you're at it." He muttered as he drifted off to sleep.

Someone listening in flinched as he heard Mulder's request. "Ah, well. Leave it to Fox Mulder to curse in a plea to God. Fox, we thought you would NEVER ask...

Mulder heard a rustling noise that woke him out of his slumber. He lunged for his gun when he saw the man named X standing at the end of the couch.

What the hell! You're dead! I found your body myself. I must be dreaming..."

Yes, you could be dreaming, Mulder." X spoke, "But dream or reality, you are going to have three visitors tonight, and if you don't want to end up a miserable wretch, you had better listen to them. It is too late for me, Agent Mulder, but you still have a chance for some happiness and fulfilment in this life. Be ready, Mulder. Listen to what they try to tell you tonight."

Mulder blinked, and X was gone.

Whoa, I think you've watched Dickens one too many times, Mulder," he chuckled to himself, as he settled back down to sleep.

Fox, wake up. Fox, it's time to go."

Mulder opened his eyes to see his father standing over him.

Dad? Now I *know* I'm dreaming. What are you doing here?"

You asked for help, Fox, and HE listened to you. You will be shown some things tonight to help lead you down the right path. It is up to you to make the ultimate decisions about your life."

Dad, there are so many things I want to ask you, tell you..."

I know, son, but I cannot answer any questions for you. I am only allowed to show you what I need to show you. Come, Fox, come relive some good Christmas memories."

Suddenly, they were standing in a living room Fox knew by heart. A Christmas tree stood in the corner of the room, surrounded by presents. The sound of laughter filled the room as 2 children came running into the room.

Samantha!" Mulder cried.

They can't hear you, Fox. We are only here to observe, " His father said.

He remembered this Christmas, two years before she had disappeared. He stood watching their excitement - their comraderie. He wondered if he and Samantha would have been close as adults. He thought so. The two children shared opening their presents, the normal sibling interaction happening between them. He looked up as his mom and dad entered the room. They looked so happy then. All of them looked happy. A family.

Why am I being tortured with memories of things I can never regain? This is what I have been searching for my whole life. I just want my family back." Tears rolled down his checks as he voiced his feelings aloud.

I know, son, I know," his father comforted him. "You want your family back, but the family you once knew no longer exists. It's not necessarily your sister of even the truth that drives you, Fox. It is love. After Samantha left us, neither your mother or I were much good as parents, I'm afraid. Neither of us realized how much you needed our love. Now you are paying for our failures. You can still be loved--be a part of a family, Fox. It is too late for our family, but not for another."

Mulder could see his father's anguish and love for him as he spoke. He reached out and embraced his father, looking once more at the scene that ran behind him. He closed his eyes in contentment at being able to hug his dad.

I love you, Dad."

Mulder sat up suddenly on the couch, the words "I love you too, Fox" lingering in his ears.

What a great dream," Mulder said with a smile. "I wonder what dad meant when he told me I could still be part of a family."

Why don't you let me show you, Fox."

Mulder looked up sharply at the sound of the voice next to him. He immediately recognized the kind face, the long, red, curly hair. A smile touched his lips.

Melissa. I'm dreaming about you, too?"

Believe what you want, Fox, as long as you listen to what I say and what you see. You just asked what your father meant by what he said about family. I'm here to show you. You've been in such a dark place for so long that you can't recognize what you've been looking for when it was under your nose. Are you ready?"

What the hell. Where to, Miss Scully? I hope I am not putting you out any."

I was headed there anyway, and the company would be nice. You'll see when we get there."

Mulder found himself in a brightly lit room filled with music and laughter. He turned to see Melissa smiling ear-to-ear.

Isn't this your mother's house?"

Yes, it is." Melissa beamed.

So, when is this? Is it the past?" Mulder inquired.

No this happening tonight. This is what you are missing right now. Why don't you walk around and observe for a little while, Fox. I want to spend some time with my family."

Mulder watched the wistful look on Melissa's face, the joy he saw as she watched her family. He saw Charles, his wife and children, and Bill Jr's family laughing as they played a card game on the coffee table. He could hear Christmas carols in the background. He realized that Scully was no where in the room. He moved toward the kitchen, where he heard 2 familiar voices. Scully sat at the table with her head in her hands. Her mother was sitting across from her. When Scully looked up, Mulder could see she had been crying. Worried, he moved over to her side.

Dana, why don't you go get him, bring him here. It's obvious that is what is bothering you, dear."

Mom, I asked him several times to come tonight, but he refused. He's been so distant since that case involving his sister. I'm really worried about him. I'm afraid he might do something drastic."

She is this upset on Christmas Eve over ME??? I thought she was inviting me out of pity, because I was going to be all alone. Not because she really wanted me here.

Dana, I don't know who you think you are trying to fool, here. You're hurt because he didn't come. But, I don't think you told him the real reason you wanted him here. He probably thought you felt sorry for him. You didn't tell him the truth, did you?"

Mom, I'm not sure what you're talking about."

Dana Katherine, you love that man. THAT is why you are sitting her crying an Christmas Eve because he is not here. Why can't you tell him that? He'll never know of you don't."

Love?!?!? Mulder thought incredulously. Is it possible that Scully loves me??

Mom, I can't tell him that, and you know it. It would jeopardize our partnership AND our friendship. I don't know want to take the chance of ruining what we DO have now."

It's true. Scully does love him, in this dream at least. What would he do if it were reality?

Dana, what you have now are two people who are miserable without each other. He was devastated while you were gone. I knew that he loved you then, even if he didn't. You belong together, no matter what. I'm afraid where Fox might end up without you, Dana."

Thanks, Mrs. Scully. Now she is telling tall tales on me.... Isn't she?

Mom, I just can't expose myself like that. Maybe if he came to me I could...but I can't risk that much of myself. I just can't. I'm not strong enough to hear his rejection. I need him too much. Anyway I can get him."

Oh, Dana. Your true love will never reject you. FOX would never reject you. But I understand. Why don't we go into the living room with the others?"

The two women walked hand-in-hand into the other room. Mulder stood in the kitchen, contemplating the conversation he just heard. Yes, he did love Scully, but she was right. It wasn't a good idea for them to be more than friends and partners. As much as he might want more in his deepest, darkest thoughts. He looked into the living room to see the family gathering around the tree to open presents. Could he be part of this family? Could he have a family with Scully? No, he decided. She was better off without him. She would eventually find someone to do that with.

Melissa appeared at his side, cuing the time of their departure.

So, Fox, did you learn anything here tonight?"

Yes, I did. I learned that what I want is not always what I should have. I really want to go now, Missy."

We'll go now, but sometimes we have to learn that following your heart is something that you should always do, Fox"

Mulder threw one last glance over towards Scully. The sadness that still hung around her tugged at his heart, but he made himself turn away.

Will Samantha be visiting me tonight?" Mulder asked cautiously. If this wasn't a dream, he didn't want her to visit him. That would mean that he had no hope of finding her and being with her. He wasn't sure he wanted the answer.

No, Fox. She isn't in the same place I am. She still walks among the living. She is out there somewhere, and you will find her when it is meant to be, IF it is meant to be. You must choose the right path for it to happen."

Does that mean that I haven't already missed the chance?" Mulder asked hopefully.

I will say that an opportunity to make the correct choice will be open to you, and you must follow your heart to get there. Missed opportunities you have had, but life is not always follow a straight path to get to a goal. You can take many twists and turns along the way to reach the same end. How easy that journey is depends on the choices you make, Fox. How happy your journey is does also. Other people's lives are at stake. You MUST believe what your heart tells you."

Mulder listened intently to what Missy told him, thinking that if his thoughts about dreams -that Scully reminded him about- were true, there was an answer in here somewhere for him. Reality or dream, this was an important night for him. A thought occurred to him, and he turned with hopeful eyes to Melissa for a request.

Is there ANY way I could just see her? To know that she IS okay? If this is only a dream, then at least it would be a happy dream about her. Not the one where she is abducted over and over. You told me she isn't dead. I won't even ask WHERE she is...I just want to see her. Please." Mulder pleaded with her, looking as if his life depended on her answer.

Melissa looked into his eyes and could not ignore the plea she saw there.

Mulder found himself standing in a dimly lit, smoky room. He recognized her instantly, from the clones he had seen before. Cancer Man was in the room with her.

I just don't understand why I can't see him. I want to go HOME. I can continue my part of the project from there. Fox will kill himself in his search for me if I don't."

Agent Mulder is serving his purpose, just as you are serving yours. If you were to go back now, things would ruined. We still need you here, Samantha. We need BOTH of you. I know you don't understand it all, yet, but your father did. This is an important project, Samantha. Our future depends on it. If you leave, the control would be contaminated."

I just miss him so much. Pictures of him aren't enough. It breaks my heart to know that he blames himself for my disappearance, that he is out there trying to find me with such reckless abandon."

If you love him, you will leave him to do the work. I have protected him for this long, and I will continue to do so."

I will let him do his work. I just wish I could tell him how much I love him and miss him."

Mulder turned to Missy, joy radiating from his eyes. "Thank you, Melissa. I needed the hope to keep looking."

I know, Fox. I have to leave now. Good luck, and remember everything I told, even if you are convinced this is a dream."

Mulder awoke in his apartment, alone once again. He felt like he hadn't slept a wink, even though he kept having the most intense dreams. He smiled as he thought of the last one. He could almost HEAR her say that she loved him and missed him. His psyche must be trying fulfill his wishes in his dreams. God knows that reality has not tried very hard to do it. Or, perhaps he was right when said that dreams are the mind's way of answering questions we haven't learned to ask yet. However, not all of his dreams had been pleasant. It had been nice to relive an old Christmas, yet extremely painful. Just a reminder that it is gone forever. And the thought of Scully miserable because of him was not pleasant either. Worse yet, the idea that Scully COULD love made him very uneasy, because it brought his own unresolved feelings to light that he would rather keep locked in the dark. It was almost better that he remain distant from her, that he protect her from his personal quests for the truth. He would not be in danger of falling in deeper where Scully was concerned. He would be protecting them both.

Mulder got up and walked over to the window to look outside. The ringing of the phone startled him. He answered it, only to hear the clicks on the other line, and then the dial tone. Stunned into immobility for a moment, he then ran over to the window and looked down onto the street. There he saw a lone figure on the sidewalk, beckoning him. He ran out of his apartment and down into the street to where the figure was standing.

Well Agent Mulder, are you ready for what I have to show you? Can you handle it?"

Mulder looked at the man he knew only as Deep Throat. He was uneasy about this dream. He had a feeling he wasn't going to like this one at all. He nodded his answer.

The scenery changed around him in a flash. He stood in a cemetery, the cold creeping into his night clothes. He suddenly noticed that he was barefoot, and the his feet were starting to feel numb standing in the snow. He thought it was very realistic for a dream. He looked down at the headstone nearest to him, not really surprised to see the name engraved there.

Fox William Mulder 10/13/61 - 9/12/99 Beloved Son, Brother, and Partner "The Truth Shall Set You Free" May he find the truth and peace in death That he struggled so hard to find in life.

The words surprised him. Scully had to have been responsible for them.

How am I supposed to learn from seeing this?" Mulder asked. "I am in danger everyday with my work. I can't be afraid of being killed all of the time. It would paralyze me."

Agent Mulder, you did not die in the line of duty. That would have been much easier to accept. No, you are a selfish bastard, Agent Mulder. You died because you ran off alone to chase your own demons. You did not trust Agent Scully enough to let her help you. THAT is what killed you. I know that I must accept the blame for my part in cultivating that nasty habit of yours. That is part of the reason I am here. Penance for past sins. And there are many, Agent Mulder. What you do not realize is that your actions affect others greatly. One wrong chose can alter the world significantly. A person you care about could be in a situation that only you can prevent or stop and you aren't there to do it, because you got yourself killed in some crusade for the truth. A martyr to the cause. The truth is important, Agent Mulder. It is your destiny to search for it. But it was not meant to be the end-all of your existence. You were meant for other things. So was she. But your actions destroyed it all. Your stubbornness shattered lives, Agent Mulder."

What exactly are you trying to tell me?" Mulder asked, frightened at the answer.

You haven't looked at the other grave, Mr. Mulder."

Mulder turned to the grave beside his. As the name on the headstone came into focus he cried out and fell to the ground in front of it. His hand reached out to trace the letters he saw there. He couldn't bring himself to read the rest of what it said. The tears fell from his face onto the stone as the sobs began to wrack through him. Had he done this to her? Was it his fault that she would die because of his foolishness? Could one person mean so much to people's lives that it could mean their life or death? Did his existence mean that much to Scully's? Gradually his tears subsided. Deep Throat just stood there, waiting for him to work out his grief of what might be. Finally, Mulder looked up at him through tear soaked eyes.

Please tell me that I can change this. My own death is rather meaningless, but I can't live with her blood on my hands. Even in death. Help me, " he pleaded.

The man looked down at him. "The path to this road is a path of loneliness and despair. Isolation is your enemy. Love and companionship is your strength. You must choose the path that takes you away from this road, Agent Mulder. The decision is yours."

Do you mean that I should be more open with Scully and allow her to help me?"

That would be a start, Mr. Mulder. That would be a start. What you have to decide is...is that enough."

Mulder sat up in a cold sweat, his feet numb and tears streaming down his face. The dream had been particularly disturbing. What were these dreams trying to tell him? Why did he feel like his very existence depended on whether he could figure out the answer to the dreams? He pondered some of the events of his nocturnal mental journeys. The family he once had, but lost. The family that so desperately tried to bring him into their circle of love. No, not just the family. The woman. Scully. She tried so hard to help him, to make things better for him. He loved her for it.

Yes, he loved her.

The memory of the cold gravestone against his face made him shudder. That would not happen. Not because of him. He realized what it was he had to do to stop the downward spiral to that end. He looked at the clock. Midnight. It wasn't too late. It was not too late.

Scully heard the pounding on the door above the soft Christmas music she had playing. Everyone else had gone to bed long ago, but she was much too upset to sleep. She had really missed Mulder tonight. She was wondered who could possibly be there at this hour when it hit her. It had to be him. She hurried to the door and flung it open to him. Mulder stood there in a tee-shirt and sweatpants.

Why aren't you wearing a coat, Mulder? It is freezing out here."

If you look further you will notice I didn't even bother with shoes." he answered with a wry grin.

She ushered him in and closed the door to keep out the cold.

What made you rush over here at this hour, Mulder? Like THIS?" She asked.

Scully, I needed to tell you something. I needed to tell you that I love you Scully. And I trust you. With everything. I trust you to help me look for the answers I need, and I trust you with my life AND my heart. I know that now. I know that the what I have been searching for so long is love and acceptance, the kind you get from your family. The kind that was taken away from me. I want my sister back, but having her here would not magically make a loving family. I would still have those insecurities. I can't live my life in solitude, Scully. If I never found her, I would have lived my life in vain. I don't want that. If you feel anything like love for me, please tell me now."

Scully was speechless. She looked into his hazel eyes hoping to extract his soul. Did he mean it? Was he just drunk? No, his eyes were amazingly clear and alert. It was apparent he had been crying. Her own eyes betrayed her by filling with tears, and her lip began to tremble. She collapsed in his arms, allowing him to accept her sobs. Her shoulders were shaking with her actions, and she felt she could no longer stand without his physical support. Mulder just stood there, holding her, his hand rubbing up and down her back, all the while making soft crooning noises. His own tears began to flow in earnest once again, for he knew what her reaction must mean. When the sobs reduced to sniffles, she looked up at him, happiness shining in her eyes. Relief flooded through Mulder. Her eyes confirmed his hopes. Their eyes spoke volumes to each other that their mouths could never say in a lifetime. Mulder knew that somehow, everything was going to be all right.

Mulder, what brought you over tonight, of all nights?" Scully asked.

Oh, I just had a Dicken-esque nightmare that made me realize what my conscious mind was trying to deny for way too long. How important you are to me. How much I need you. How much I love you."

Scully smiled at his words. "Ah, so the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future visited you and told you to change your evil ways. I was just wondering because I just had a talk with my mother tonight, and when she tried to get me to tell you how I felt, I told her I couldn't take that risk, that maybe if you came to me I might be able..."

Mulder stiffened a moment at her words. The conversation she was describing was disturbingly familiar.

Why don't we go into the living room to enjoy the tree, Mulder," Scully suggested.

Scully took his hand and he followed her into the living room. The tree looked just like it did in his dream. Merely a coincidence. They moved over to the couch and sat down. That was when Mulder noticed the card game sitting on the coffee table. The same game he had seen them play earlier in his sleep. In his sleep? Could it be that ghosts from his past changed his future forever? That they led him to Scully? He chuckled to himself as they settled back on the couch, wrapped together. He believed in extreme possibilities, but the realization of a classic Christmas story in reality seemed a bit far fetched, even for him. However he ended up here, dreams or ghosts, he was grateful. He remembered his plea from earlier this evening, before he had gone to sleep. He looked up and whispered, "Thank you."

A group of people watched as the two people settled down to sleep under the colorful lights. They looked down on them, feeling the joy of a job well done.

You're very welcome."

The End

Well, how was it? Too cheesy? Too whatever? The best damn piece of fiction you ever read? (Shees, it's gettin deep in here!) I am just begging for feedback!! Please!