Title: Minty Fresh
Author: Elise and Lauryl
Written: November 1999
Rating: NC-17: sex, drug use, twisted humor, & Skinner doing things you don't want to hear about. This is an MSR, of sorts.
Summary: Um...see author's notes afterward. Otherwise we're not telling!
Spoilers: No.
Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is ours. Mulder, Scully, and Skinner aren't ours. They belong to Chris "Cowabunga" Carter and 1013, who will have our heads on a pretty silver platter when this story is discovered. Other stuff that's not ours: -Rocky Horror Picture Show and its people, places, & costume design -The Trojan Man, Viagra, David Cassidy...(Yadda, yadda...there'll be a full list afterward) DDEB & SPCDD, this one's for you.

Summary: Scully glared at her computer screen. "A college friend wants me to come to a Halloween party this weekend."


"Shit," Scully sighed, slumping in the chair behind her desk.

"What?" Mulder asked looking up from the paperwork Scully had forced him at gunpoint to sit his ass down and do.

"Huh? Oh," Scully glared at her computer screen. "A college friend wants me to come to a Halloween party this weekend."

"So what's wrong with that? You don't like parties?" Mulder asked.

"She's crazy. I mean, she's a sweetheart, but she's thirty-five and parties like she's in college!"

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Gee, Mulder. What would you think if I stayed up 'til the ass crack of dawn smoking Maria's own brand of weed, a homemade equivalent to Viagra, and fucking various men on a pool table in full view of fifty spectaters?"

"I'd think, 'Where's my damn camera, the lab guys would give their left nut to see this.'"

"Okay," she sighed, "but, who would I take?"

Mulder grinned and waved his hands in the air like a boy trying to get his teacher. "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!"

"No way, Mulder. There will be drugs of all shapes, sizes, potencies, etc..."

"Oh please, Scully! I haven't been to a party in years and I don't want to sit on my ass watching bad porn!"

"Watch good porn," she suggested. Mulder pouted like a little boy, looking like he was near tears. "Mulder, I've seen you sober. Why the hell would I want to see you loaded? You might get horny and start humping the walls."

He gave her a confused grin; "I never got horny smoking weed; not unless it was laced with something...kinky. Besides, even if I did get horny, I wouldn't start humping the *walls*."

"Oh," Scully blushed, "I always got really horny after a few bowls."

"You've smoked weed, Scully?" Mulder was incredulous.

"Yeah," she was beet red by now.

"Please let me come, Scully," Mulder pleaded.

Scully got a mischievous glint in her eye. "Mulder, I think you've rubbed off on me. For a second, it didn't sound like you were talking about the party."

"Ooh, Scully. You're naughty. But please can I come?"

"Yeah sure, I'd kind of like to see what one of Maria's parties could do to you. But you have to promise that you won't fuck anyone else's brains out."

"Anyone else's?" he asked devilishly.

"Do you want to come or not?" she said switching to bitch mode. "I promise." He cowered like a good boy.

"Then you can come."

"Yaaay!" Mulder cried out happily, "I'm getting trashed this weekend! All right!"

"Oh, it's a costume party."

Mulder was happy as a clam who's hiding in the sand where no body's digging for him. "Cool. What are you going as?"

"I'm not sure. Probably Columbia."

"Attack of the Rocky Horror Picture Show fetish again?"

"Guilty as charged. If you want to match you can go as Riff-Raff or Rocky. You'd look damn good in nothing but a gold Speedo and gold boots."

Mulder smiled brilliantly, "I think I'll be Dr. Frank-n-Furter."

Scully giggled, "Whatever tickles your pickle, Mulder."

"Huh, huh, you said 'pickle.'"

@@@@@@@@@ Friday Night

Scully knocked on Mulder's door at 8:30. She was excited about tonight, and seeing Mulder's costume. She couldn't wait to see him wearing little panties. She giggled at the thought.

Nothing yet. But then, I haven't seen Mulder's dong yet, have I?

"Just a second, Scully." Mulder called from the inside. She heard banging around on the other side of the door. Seconds later, the door swung open and Scully gaped slack-jawed at his costume. Her eyes moved over his body from his ridiculous wig that made him look like Robert Smith of The Cure, to the caked on powder, eyeliner, and dark red lipstick, to the gaudy pearl necklace, to the sequined black teddy and garter belt, to the black panties and fishnets. He shaved, how cute she thought, impressed yet disturbed. He was the spitting image of Dr. Frank-n-Furter. "Hey! You like?"

"Yeah, it's a good look for you."

He giggled, "Thanks."

He suddenly seemed uncomfortable. "What's wrong?"

"Um, Scully, could you help me with these garters?" he asked in a small voice. "I forgot they're such a pain in the ass."

Scully snickered but deftly snapped the thin straps into place on the fishnets. He then turned around to take in her outfit.

The gold sequined top hat looked perfect atop her short red hair, her makeup looked as though the artist from Rocky Horror Picture Show had done it, flattering the red sequined bowtie around her neck. Her strapless top let him see more cleavage than he'd ever thought possible from Scully, her *extremely* tight silver shorts hugged her ass so tightly there was no possible way she was wearing underwear And set off her slim legs, which were also sheathed in fishnets, perfectly, and though her shoes gave her another two inches, he still could see clear over her head.

"So what do you think, Mulder? Am I Columbia?" she asked confidently while tossing her gold sequined tuxedo jacket over her arm.

"Scully, if you wear that to work one day, I will do every last expense report until the day I die." He said, his eyes bulging out of his head about five feet.

"As tempting as that sounds, I think not."

"Damn." They left the apartment and moved to the elevator. "Scully, I hope you already know this, but you've got a really nice ass."

She blushed a little, "Thanks, Mulder. You too." She reached around and grabbed a handful of Mulder's ass cheek and he jumped in surprise.

"Scully!"

She was shocked. "Goddamn, Mulder! You could bounce bricks off that thing!"

"Well, from the look," he reached behind her to grab her ass, "and the feel of it, so could you."

And that's how they walked to her car, arms around one another, each fondling the other's ass, both smiling slyly. This would be interesting.

@@@@@@@@@ The Party

As they stepped into the house, they were smothered by the pungent smell of marijuana, cigarettes, more marijuana, cheap incense, and even more marijuana.

"Dana?" Scully's friend, Maria Napa, was already far into a drug-induced state. "Hey, cutie...who's your friend?"

Mulder stood, half-naked, looking at the large house where so many people partied and took all sorts of drugs. "Whoa," he mumbled, "cool."

"Maria," Scully extended her silvery-gloved hand to her friend and then to Mulder, who was already getting a contact high, "this is Mulder.

Mulder, this is Maria."

Maria giggled, "Dude, what kinda name is Mulder?"

"It's my last name," Mulder blushed, "I don't like my first one."

"Oh shit. What is it?" Maria asked eagerly.

"Uh...Fox." he replied.

Maria laughed out loud, "Dude! Sucks for you!"

Maria stumbled off, laughing to herself and mumbling goodbye to Scully, Mulder turned to her, "These are friends of yours?" He was amazed.

"It was college," Scully shrugged. Looking about the party, she felt ridiculous. Everyone there were either dropouts, unsuccessful shop owners, or underpaid government employees miserably trying to relive their glory days from college. Here Scully was though, with an exciting job, a good paycheck, and a gorgeous best friend with whom she shared an affable sexual tension.

Mulder had already snagged a couple of beers for them and she autiously began to drink. It wasn't bad beer; at least it didn't taste like piss.

As she surveyed the crowd, looking for an old bud buddy, Mulder suddenly grabbed her arm. "Scully!" he cried, "Check out the poofder!"

"Poofder?" Scully followed Mulder's gaze to a muscular, yet somewhat pear-shaped man, dressed as David Cassidy, booty dancing with a large black man dressed as Tinky-Winky (the purple Teletubbie). As David Cassidy turned around his wig fell to reveal a shiny, bald head and wire-rimmed glasses. The man's face was familiar. A little too familiar...

"Oh my god!" Scully cried, "That's no poofder! That's Skinner!"

Mulder and Scully looked at each other and simultaneously lifted their beer bottles to their lips trying to chug away the vastly disturbing image they had just beheld. "Skinner booty dancing," Mulder groaned, "I'll never be able to take his ass-chewings seriously again!"

"What's scarier is that he's really good at it!" Scully giggled.

He stared at her ruinously, "And just how would you know what good booty dancing looks like?" She smiled slyly, "I have many talents you don't know about."

"Ooh, Scully. Teach me."

"Maybe if you're a good boy and do as I say." Her grin widened.

"You're bad."

"I know," she purred.

For a moment they stood there, listening to the odd music, anxiously waiting for the beer buzz to take hold. After a few moments of this futile task, Scully straightened, looked at Mulder, and said in her most lawful tone, "Agent Mulder, we must get fucked up...now."

Mulder had been waiting for her to articulate those exact words.

"Cool." For some reason, he'd been talking like Butt-Head all night.

She grabbed his arm and led him to a tall man dressed as Tarzan guarding a table stacked five feet high with marijuana. Tarzan stared down at them and spoke in a deep, masculine voice; "I've been waiting for you to come see me."

"Hey, back off. He's mine," Scully said defensively, "Lookie, no touchie.."

"I should have known," Tarzan said, eyeing Mulder hungrily, "they're always taken." "Scully..." Mulder whimpered from behind her.

"Look...we just saw our boss dancing with Tinky-Winky and must get wasted with your fine crop."

He considered this woman and nodded, "You may pass."

Scully smiled and approached a small group behind the table, Mulder in close pursuit; they could still hear Tarzan making noises of disappointment at not being able to get inside Mulder's panties.

Scully started off the joint. She held the lighter to the tip and inhaled for several seconds. Others were awed, seeing how she had smoked half the damn thing in one toke. She held her breath and passed it on.

On her exhale she sighed, "Damn, that's great shit." She looked at Mulder beside her lighting another joint. He was like a kid with a new toy. He passed it to her and exhaled. He looked so cozy, or maybe it was just the tight satin undies on his little buddy.

She was already stoned, as was Mulder, but they stayed in the circle so Scully could have reason to tease Mulder by lying spread-eagled on the floor, her breasts bulging from her shirt, almost exposing her nipples.

Over the next hour they moved to other areas to benumb themselves.

Scully viewed Mulder fighting off men who hit on him. Mulder gaped as Scully cleared six-foot bongs in one hit, and they were just getting more and more horny.

@@@@@@@@@

Another hour later the party was in full swing. People were naked and having sex with two, three or four other people, most in plain sight.

But Mulder and Scully were the center of attention singing Sweet Transvestite. Well, more like stumbling through the lyrics. Under the influence of so many drugs, neither could distinctly remember the words.

After their show the junkie audience cheered and hollered. As they drifted away, Mulder and Scully got down from the table where they were dancing and singing. Mulder giggled to her, "Hey, Scully, I remember what happened to my sister! She wasn't abducted by aliens; she ran away with the circus!"

"No she didn't," she purred evilly, "she was taken by a tribe of leprechauns!"

Mulder covered his eyes, terrified. "No, dear god! Not leprechauns!"

"Yeah, Mulder, leprechauns." She grinned impishly, "What are you gonna do, Mulder? What are you gonna do? Are you gonna go to *Ireland* to see the *leprechauns*?"

Mulder screamed like a girl and ran away from Scully.

Cackling like a mad scientist seeing her creation come to life, she followed Mulder as he ran into, and locked, a broom closet.

She got another evil thought. She recalled a movie that Mulder had brought over one night. It was so stupid when she first saw it, but the time was right to use the one line in the whole damn movie that made her laugh. She walked up to the door and knocked. "Housekeeping!" she said in a bad accent.

Mulder was gone. "Go away, Mr. Leprechaun man! I don't wanna talk to you!"

She laughed at his response but went on. "Housekeeping! You want towel?"

"No! Go away dammit! You'll give away my hiding spot to the leprechauns!"

She was bent in half laughing at him, but still managed to speak.

"Housekeeping! You want me fluff pillow?"

"DAMN THOSE LEPRECHAUNS THAT TOOK MY SISTER!"

She readily agreed and knocked on the door one more time.

"Housekeeping! You want me jerk you off?"

There was a pause before the lock clicked and the door opened. He grinned slyly, "Scully?"

"Hi, sunshine!" She smiled back. "So, um, does that offer still stand?" he asked with shiny, dilated pupils.

Scully pushed him back against the back wall, slammed, and locked the door behind her. "What do you think?" she asked, kissing him hard.

"Oh...damn..." Mulder groaned as she deftly undid his garters and pushed his panties down to his ankles. Scully smiled at the swollen member that bobbed up as if to shake her hand and say hello. This man>was REALLY hung! Hell, he wasn't hung like a horse; he was hung like a walrus! The whole walrus!

She gripped the base of his hard penis, running her fingers to the tip.

"Yeah..." he moaned sounding exactly like Jimmy Stewart, "yeah...hell..." As Scully dropped to her knees and took him in her mouth, he shouted, "Well that's definitely a pleasurable sensation!" She swirled her tongue around his ridiculously large cock, enjoying his low moans of rapture, "That's a humdinger! Would you mind squeezing it a bit?" In the midst of her...performance, she idly wondered where she'd heard those exact words before.

Mulder halted her before he could come and pinned her to the door.

Panting, she rolled the condom she'd tucked in her top on his dick. He pulled down her insanely tight shorts. He was right earlier; she wasn't wearing ANY underwear.

He stared in awe for all of two seconds before plunging into the great unknown. As he lost himself inside her steaming center, he heard the neighing of a horse.

"TROJAN MAN!"

"What the fuck...?" he said. They stood very still, sweating, panting, fucked up, and *very* horny. "Did you hear that, Scully?"

She stayed there, arms around his neck, legs tight around his waist, supported by his arms, sheathing his erection, wanting him to start thrusting again, "I was about to ask you that." "YOU THERE, IN THE CLOSET! HAVE YOU GOT A SAFETY ON THAT GUN?" he said, his tone begging the words "nudge, nudge, wink, wink."

Mulder and Scully just looked at each other, trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about. "We're not armed!" Mulder said.

"NO, NO, I MEAN IS YOUR MONKEY IN A CAGE?"

They were getting a wee bit annoyed. "We're not zookeepers!" Scully called.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, IS THERE A FORCE FIELD AROUND YOUR LIGHT SABER?"

They were really getting pissed off having to hold still. "Darth Vader is in the next room! Can we fuck now?" Mulder said getting back to fucking Scully's brains out.

"YOU YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY, SO LITERAL! ARE YOU WEARING A FUCKING CONDOM?" He heard a steady thumping on the other side of the door.

Moaning. "WELL ARE YOU? ARE YOU WEARING ONE?"

"Oh yes!" Scully screamed, "oh yes, yes, yes...!"

"...Yes!" Mulder finished with his own cry of ecstasy.

"ALL RIGHTY THEN! YOU...ON THE COUCH!

"TROJAN MAN!"



Everyone was beyond wasted. Wasted didn't begin to describe these people.. They were more like sloshed; shit-faced; bombed; tanked...in other words, they were fucked up. Scully was snagging another couple of beers for her and Mulder.

Meanwhile, Mulder was running toward her shrieking like a frightened schoolgirl. Scully was amazed to notice how agile he was in heels and frankly, it was rather unsettling.

"What now, Mulder?" she asked as he hid behind her. Three blonde women, the spitting silicone image of the dirty sluts in his videos, were making hungry eyes at him. They'd been into Maria's stash.

"They're trying to grab my ass, Scully! Make them stop!" Mulder whined.

"Oh honestly," she said, irked. "Listen, bitches, I'm armed and a damn good shot. You get the fuck away from my man, or I'll plug a bullet in each of your tiny, little brains before you can count to three."

The three prototypes for the Turbo Slut 2000 fell to their knees. Two were speechless, but one begged Scully, "Please don't eat us!"

"Get the fuck out of my sight!" Scully growled. The three ran away, their faces pale in horror.

Mulder had his hand on her shoulder, grinning, "Wow, Scully! You're butch!"

"That's right." Scully beamed, "Ain't nobody gonna touch your ass...unless it's me." That said, she reached around and clutched a fistful of his firm buttocks with relish.

Mulder squealed like a little girl. "Scully, stop it!" he giggled.

It was then that a bleary-eyed Skinner stumbled into the kitchen in search of more munchies. He squinted at the sudden change in light and stared at Mulder and Scully. It took him a second to place their faces.

"Agents?" he asked.

They looked away, shuffled their feet, and mumbled a reluctant "Yes, sir.."

"Shit!" Skinner cried, "Bitchin' costumes! Let me guess, Columbia and Frankie." Scully was wide-eyed with anxiety, " Uh, yes, sir. Are you supposed to be David Cassidy?"

"Good guess! Isn't he just the hottest damn piece of ass of the century?"

"Yes, sir. He's lovely," Scully lied.

"Yeah, he's pretty sexy, sir," Mulder said.

Scully eyed him warily. "Mulder...?"

"What? I don't want to get fired." He said defensively.

"Don't get bitchy with me, Mulder."

Again, he cowered like a good boy, "Yes, ma'am," he squeaked, "I'll be good."

Mulder was wholly unhappy standing half-naked in front of his boss.

And, despite that, he had a wedgie.

Scully was trying earnestly to make her cleavage less visible.

"Damn, you two need to loosen up! Go smoke a bowl or something!"

"We'll do that, sir," Scully said.

"Hey, you guys wanna see my new tattoo?" he asked, excited.

"Uh, sir, uh, with all due respect -" was all she could say. It was too late...far too late. Skinner had spun around and dropped his bell-bottoms revealing his butt. On his left cheek were the words, "Tunnel Of Love." "It's was Duke's idea, he insisted."

Mulder and Scully didn't know who "Duke" was and, more importantly, they didn't really want to know. Anyone who could get an FBI AD to get a tattoo on his ass wasn't real high on their list of people to meet.

Scully covered her eyes and screamed, "DEAR GOD, MY EYES! I'M BLIND!"

And ran for the closet.

Mulder mumbled, "That's lovely." He turned to follow Scully when he felt a hand on his ass. He jumped and spun around. "Sir!"

"Goddamn, Mulder! You could bounce bricks off that thing!" he said surprised. "My ass belongs to Scully," he whimpered, "Why does everyone try to get a piece of my ass?" he cried, running for the closet to find Scully.

He neared and rapped on the door. Scully asked, "Who is it?"

"It's me."

"Me who?"

"Fox Mulder. Your new suck me, fuck me, spank me doll!"

The door unlocked and opened a crack. "Spanking?" she asked hopefully.

"With whips and chains, Scully. Whatever makes you happy."

"Oh goodie!" she said pulling him inside by his garter belt. She kissed him hard, her tongue plunging so far down his throat it might have brushed his trachea. Her hands groped all over his body. She teased his nipples and manhandled his superb ass.

"Uhhhh," Mulder was wordless. He'd never been treated in such a way, and he liked it! One coherent thought did come to mind: "TROJAN MAN!"

"Oh no, not again," Scully sighed.

"No, he's actually useful this time!"

"Well, at least he got here *before* you got up and in!"

Mulder stepped out of the closet and approached the Trojan Man. He was wearing old Grecian armor and sat astride a big black Trojan horse.

"Say, do you by chance have any condoms?" he asked.

"WHY OF COURSE, YOU FINE YOUNG STALLION! WHAT KIND? FLAVORED?

COLORED? GLOW-IN-THE-DARK? RIBBED?"

"Do you have any flavored, glow-in-the-dark, ribbed ones?"

"SURE, I HAVE ALL KINDS! NOW, WHAT'S YOUR SIZE?"

Mulder's favorite part. "Extra large."

"NO REALLY. WHAT'S YOUR SIZE?"

"Extra large!" To prove it he whipped out his purple helmet love warrior..

"HOLY SHIT! PUT THAT THING AWAY! YOU'LL POKE SOMEONE'S EYE OUT!"

He returned his penis to his panties with a big smile and waited while the man rooted around in his horse.

Finally, he pulled out a small lunchbag full of flavored, glow-in-the-dark, ribbed, extra large condoms and handed them to Mulder.

"I ASSUME YOU'LL WANT ALL OF THESE?"

"Yeah," he said thinking of how he *became* the steel industry every time he kissed Scully, Mulder raced back to the closet. "Sorry, Scully. He didn't believe I was extra large."

"S'okay, I never would have believed it either," she replied. "Hey, that's a low blow, Scully."

"Well it's true! I was so shocked the first time I saw it that y first reflex was to duck! I didn't think they could get that big without surgery!"

"Cool." Mulder was happy.

"Can you fuck me now?"

"Yes I can." He rolled on a condom and they went at it again... like bunnies.

A steady and fast paced thumping could be heard over the loud music followed by screams of passion.

Maria idly wondered as she was passed the bowl,



By 5:00 AM, almost everyone was either gone or passed out, save for the two that were still going at it in the closet.

Earlier, the thumping had been so loud that Skinner couldn't focus on Duke's ass and was forced to drag him to the backyard.

As Maria wearily swept her house for stragglers, she pulled open the closet door.

The two agents fell to the floor in the middle of the not-so-horizontal mambo. They were about as nekkid as a couple of toddlers trying to flee their baths, not counting the shoes, and shrieked at their discovery.

"Jesus fucking Christ, you two! The party's over. I'm calling a drunk bus."

As she called for the bus, Mulder and Scully dressed.

They moved to the front door, past a wall with many large bongs. A six-footer named "James Bong," a four-footer named "Big Ben," and a two-footer that, according to the nameplate was called, "Gilligan." The pair gave no notice to these aesthetic pieces, well aware that they could arrest everyone at the party but thankful that they'd had the chance to relieve all their tensions in the most fun way viable: by getting crocked then laid (yeah, baby, bring it on). Rather, Mulder's eyes remained glued to Scully's ass. They stood in the yard waiting on the bus. Mulder's hands roamed over her body from her legs, to her hips and ass, to her waist and breasts over and over, making her writhe and shiver with fresh arousal. He stared into open space. "Scully, as I look at the stars now, I realize that our coming together isn't because of sex, lust or loneliness, or even a shitload of really good weed, but simply that we were meant to be. Yes, dear Scully, we've been roaming toward each other over astral planes of millennia of ethereal couplings. Look,Dana, look at the stars!

Can you see it? Our names are forged in the sky tonight!"

Scully glanced up at the fading night sky, "Yeah, yeah, I love you, too," she said neutrally. "Hey, when we get back to your place, you wanna fuck my brains out again?

Mulder snapped out of his fixation on the sky, "Ooh, Scully, you know what I like!"



"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Scully bolted up in bed with a nauseous stomach and a hangover as big as Canada. For some odd reason Mulder's alarm clock had gone off. The radio was playing that damn "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

"What the fuck...?" Scully groaned to herself. "Okay, let's go over this situation; I'm naked in Mulder's bed, listening to, and tempted to sing, the 'Time Warp,' and I can't remember my own name, but, hey, I got laid last night. All right cool."

Scully looked at Mulder and a grin split her face. her inner voices told her.

With a wider grin, Scully bent over her fuck buddy's benumbed form and, starting at the hollow of his throat, pressed small, wet kisses along his neck and chest, slowly working her way down his body. She stopped at his nipples and teased with her tongue and teeth. He moaned and squirmed but did not rouse. "I guess I'll have to bring out the big guns."

She continued her deeds on the rest of his body with the addition of her tongue down his torso to the elastic band topping his panties, eyeing hisdreaming face as she drew the garb past his hips with her teeth. She began to think he had a perpetual hard-on, after all, he wasn't even awake and his wood rivaled the one at the party! She smiled and kissed the tip of his shaft, ran her tongue around him, and took him in her mouth. He grunted loudly, delighting in the sensation.

She continued to suck and lick his entire length until she felt his hands in her hair. She halted her actions and glanced at him. "Hey there,"

she said softly.

Mulder groaned in pain, "What the fuck...? My head hurts, I'm gonna puke, I'm wearing panties and can't remember why, but, hey, I got laid last night. All right, cool."> "Mulder, if you puke on me, I swear, I'll rip out your eyes and shove 'em down your panties so you can watch me kick the shit out of you." She warned.

"You wouldn't."

"Oh wouldn't I?"

"No, you like my ass too much."

"You wanna test that theory?"

"Not when you get that 'shut-up-or-I'll-possess-your-soul' look on your face." He said staggering out of bed. "I think I'm gonna go..." he said hooking his thumb toward the bathroom. He ran to it and slammed the door shut. Seconds later, Scully heard the explicit sound of gagging and retching.

"Oh, baby...that is so sexy," she called through the door, "I'm really hot for you now." She opened the bathroom door, and stared at him.

He was bowed over the toilet, still dry heaving. Finally, he fell limp against the toilet, "Piss off, Scully." "That was very charming, Mulder,"

she said facetiously, staring at him. "Do you mind? I'd like to take a shower."

Mulder was barely able to muster something like a leer at her nude body, "You want some company?"

"Eew! No way, Mulder! I just listened to you upchuck a fucking kidney. There's no way I'm kissing you."

"You ever heard of toothpaste, Scully?" he asked sarcastically.

"Oh yeah, well, brush your teeth good, and then I'll give you my kiss test."

"Kiss test?" he echoed.

"Kiss test. I kiss you and if you pass I'll let you join me, if not then you have to find another act to busy yourself." She saw the defiant look he gave her. "Fine, I'll let you in, but I won't fuck you." His face turned even more defiant. "Okay, I'll fuck you! But I won't kiss you!"

"I can live with that," he beamed reaching for the toothpaste.

Scully started the shower, stepped in and began to bathe.

After a few minutes of ardent brushing, Mulder pulled back the curtain and smiled at her. She wasn't sure, but she could have sworn she saw his teeth twinkle.

She smiled back and prudently kissed him.

She pulled back less than an inch and smiled her approval. "Ooh,"

Scully purred, pulling him closer, "minty fresh."

The End (Or is it?)

(Murphy! Get back here!)



Wait! You can't go! You have to read our author's notes! Please? Elise, your turn.>Hm...interesting what happens after two shots of Drambuie.

Well, I don't know where the hell it came from. Mostly, I just wanted to hurt Mr. Tea Leoni. Heeheehee...little whiny bitch...whoops...did I say that out loud? Sorry, David, there are lots of things I like about you...you were such a good drag queen.

Now remember, psycho-shippers, we love Mulder, we really do. But David, no. Why must he be so - and I never use this term - gay? Now when you put us on your shitlist, we're Elise R. Smith and Lauryl G. Anderson.

But, if you do decide to forgive us after our future stories, we take cards, candy, flowers, Robert Smith, Gillian Anderson, the entire continent of Europe... Admit it though, this was funny as hell. ADMIT OUR POWER! SUBMIT! A-HA-HA-HA! Oh wait, uh, whoops, sorry. I need to take my pills. It'll never happen again.

PS. Any story by me (Elise) mentioning Trent Rezner in it, heed my warning homophobic, psycho-shippers:

RUN AWAY! RUN FAR AWAY!
(And I ran...I ran so far awaaay)
I LOVE YOU!
I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!
Elise R. Smith
Lauryl, you're up.
Thank you, Elise.
Hello, we're both new authors who will never attain the level of Paula Graves or Cheryl Martin, so y'know what I say? Why try? Elise>and I like our crazy horny smut; it's fun! I only ask that you keep your therapy bills to yourself, I have my own pay.
My partner and I really just wanted to have Mulder, Scully and Skinner do shit they would never do on the show, and somehow, this deranged piece of our insanity was born...oddly enough it had 666 on its forehead. In case you're wondering, Murphy is my wee leprechaun friend.
I hope you can pardon us for this if you hated it but we felt that Mulder and Scully needed a break from the typical MSR shit. I am a shipper, hell, I wrote a shipper story and am working on another, but I wanted to play, is that so fucking wrong? Deep breaths, Lauryl.
Well, I hope you liked this because there'll be more, we're already writing Minty Fresh 2: The Undiscovered Altoid. It's for us DIE-ana haters out there. Heehee.
Lauryl G. Anderson
Oh, wait! I almost forgot the thank-you list.
-Thank you Wayne's World 2 for the leprechauuns
-Thank you Tommy Boy for making housekeepingg funny -Thank you Robert Smith for the hair
-Thank you Alisha for letting us use your Daavid Cassidy idea -Thank you Teletubbies for making homosexuality fun -Thank you Monty Python for the word "poofder"
-Thank you Trojan Man for keeping us safe -Thank you Nicole for some ideas
-Thank you Satan for the "Tunnel of Love" Look, Opert, I did it!

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