Title: I Am the Lizard King
Written: April 2001
Category: Humor
Description: Spoof of Next Episode
Disclaimer: 21st Century Fox owns "X-Files." However if f`(x) then n(x)n-1
Rated: |R| Bad Words, Dirty scenes-
Archive: Like it? Archive it! Summary: A strange evolutionary freak is found inhabiting the night.

9:00 a.m.
X-Files Department F.B.I. Headquarters

"Mulder, what are you doing in my office again?" asks Doggett entering his office.

"That's a question, you might ask yourself if you were... curious?" answers Mulder.

Doggett looks confused. "Anyway, how about that rig explosion? Bitchin, huh?" asks Doggett.

"Yeah, wow. I mean, Kersh was pissed. He sat me down and went through the entire list of curse words in the book. He called my mother the whore of babylon..." admits Mulder.

"Ouch, pretty harsh," answers Doggett.

"Yeah, I can't believe I got fired. One little international incident and you're gone! We should unionize." Adds Mulder.

Scully enters the room. She freezes in her tracks. "Mulderooney?" She asks.

"Scully-wully-ding-dong?" Questions Mulder.

They both bite their bottom lips while in a lustful stare. In unison they look at Doggett.

"I'm going, I'm going. Sheesh. I'll be down at Dunkin' Donuts. Anyone want a maple bar or a fudgie... Twist?" asks Doggett between the two as they close in on each other.

Mulder and Scully are transfixed on each other.

"Bye," says Doggett grabbing his coat. Mulder gently grabs Scully's hand by her delicate fingers and softly kisses her finger, one by one.

"Scully?" bellows Kersh from down the hall.

"Mulder, hide," whispers Scully. Mulder slides under the desk. Scully sits at the desk.

Kersh bursts into the room. "Fe-Fi-Fo Fum, I smell the likes of that MULDER scum. Be he live or be he dead I'll fire his ass and, and... The poop will migrate to the air circulator!" yells Kersh.

"I haven't seen him chief," Scully retorts. Mulder cannot hold back the amorous feelings from under the desk. Scully's eyes widen.

"Well I thought I saw Mulder's ugly Kia Sportage parked out front?" asks Kersh.

A muffled "Fuck you!" comes from under the desk.

"What was that?" Drills Kersh.

"Achoo," says Scully. "I have a cold."

Kersh wanders close to the desk. Mulder returns to pleasing Scully under the desk. Scully's eyes roll back in her head. "Right there..," says Scully.

"What?" asks Kersh outraged. "I am the head of the this agency and..." demands Kersh.

"Head...," says Scully whimpering in delight.

"Yes, I am the head of this agency. And I shouldn't have to remind you that..." Kersh says while hitting his fist on the desk.

"Ow," says a muffled voice from under the desk.

"Are you listening to me?" asks Kersh.

"Take it on home, baby!" screams Scully instructing Mulder.

"Fine! I may... may have a hard outer shell, but inside I am a person too!" Kersh stomps out sobbing.

"Oh," gasps Scully as her head drops in exhaustion.


7:30 p.m.
Chucky Cheeses

Doggett sits at a table and sips on his soda. He is approached by a person in a mouse suit. "I don't want to grow up...?" quizzes the mysterious suited man.

"I'm a Toys R Us kid," finishes Doggett.

"Good to see you man," says Mulder as he removes the mouse headpiece.

"Want to hear the scoop?" asks Doggett.

"Sure, but first I gotta tell you... Those musicians up there, are animatronic robots. I found out when I went up there and tried to request some Elton John," informs Mulder.

"Wow," answers Doggett. "About the next X file. There have been reports of an uncategorizable mutant iguana of death roaming around San Diego," states Doggett.

"Let's presume..." Interjects Mulder.

"No. Let's not presume. When you presume you make a 'priss' out of 'u' and 'me,'" replies Doggett.

"That isn't how that saying goes, homesnake," insists Mulder.

"Regardless, this organism must be found and stopped," finishes Doggett.

A child runs over to the table. "Hey Chucky, put your hat on and come play with me," begs a little girl.

"Chucky's on his ten minute break so beat it before I give you the black plague!" says Mulder.

The little girl lies down and has a tantrum.

"Let's go. They can do that for hours," suggests Mulder as the two men steal away.

Upon exiting the establishment Doggett pulls Mulder to the carousel right outside the entrance. Mulder puts in a quarter, they both choose a horsey and proceed to ride.


8:00 p.m
At a Kenny Loggins Concert -

"Hey Mulder, this concert is great, but shouldn't we go investigate the monster?" Screams Doggett over the audience. Mulder is crowd surfing. "Yeah, you're right. Awesome concert though!" answers Mulder.

8:30 p.m.
The Gap
Sgringstown Shopping Mall

"Mulder!?!" says Doggett angrily.

"C'mon man, these chinos are half off!" says Mulder as he models them in the mirror and mimicks John Tavolta in "Saturday Night Fever."

8:45 a.m.
A group of track homes just outside the city...

Doggett and Mulder sit frozen in their car. Mulder turns to Doggett. "So what do you think it is?" asks Mulder.

"Alligator on amphetamines? Monitor lizard on ludes? Crocodile on coke? Dragon on dope? Gecko on Ganja? A Gila on tequila? A horny toad on heroin? Could be anything..." Doggett replies dryly while lighting a cigarette.

"I think it's a space creature. It already devoured five people," says Mulder.

"You mean it's not of this world?" asks Doggett.

"No, I mean it needs some fuckin' space! It's not rocket science. THIS, is rocket science," Mulder says as he starts playing with a toy spaceship. Doggett drops his face in his hands.

Suddenly a family runs screaming past their car.

The two agents leap from the automobile. "Wait! What's happening?" yells Mulder at the fleeing people.

The lizard approaches right behind the stampede. It's stealthy walking motion hurries it along at a pretty good pace while it's dark green skin makes it almost invisible in the dark night. The two agents point their weapons at the monster but are scared as the beast closes in so fast they can't steady a shot. They both run. The beast keeps up while nipping at the heels of Doggett.

They turn a street corner where a dog walker waits for a green light. The monster grabs the little dog as the owner looks on in terror. Doggett turns around. "Bad boy! Put that down!" Doggett says.

The monster throws the small dog from his dripping sharp teeth to pursue the bigger prizes.

The two agents shortcut through a house where a youngster's birthday party is taking place. Upon entering the party Doggett freezes in his tracks in the sight another vicious lizard. He empties his clip in it.

"AHHH!" screams Doggett.

"Dude, John, you shot Barney," Mulder pleads.

Just as the children begin to cry the real lizard scrambles into the house as the party goers scramble.

The two run out the back door with the lizard quick on their heels. They stop near the back garage and pile into an old 1952 Ford truck and speed off. Mulder is at the wheel.

Suddenly bright lights appear from a vehicle leaving the same house. "Well punch my leg and call me limpy!" declares Doggett.

It can DRIVE!" says Mulder. The lizard rolls down the window and starts firing out the driver's window.

"Ahh! Did you drop your pistol?" inquires Doggett.

"I must've," says Mulder swerving from open lane to open lane. The lizard pulls up beside them and proceeds to flip them off. "That little scaly bastard!" yells Mulder.

"Keep going!" says Doggett calmly. An intersection is approaching. At the intersection Mulder breaks for the red light as the lizard sails through the light it is met at full force by a semi. The two vehicles explode.

"Lizards don't see in color," says the two agents in unison.


9:00 a.m.
X-Files Department
F.B.I Headquarters

Mulder, Scully, and Doggett sit around discussing the adventure when Kersh walks in.

"Mulder, damn it, what are you doing here?" screams Kersh.

Mulder puts the mouse head back on his costume and Kersh cries in fear. "Oh! Mommy! Mommy! Scary man!" weeps Kersh as he puts his thumb in his mouth and runs from the room.

"Wow that was cold," says Doggett.

"Yeah? We all had bad childhoods," says Mulder as he picks up a Time magazine with Jimmy Carter on the cover.

"Ahhh!" screams Doggett as he spies the cover and runs from the room crying.

Mulder wanders over to Scully who gives a wanton look to Mulder. Mulder moves to take off the mouse head when Scully intercepts his hand. "Do it with the mouse suit on!" demands Scully. The two proceed to get funky.


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