Title: Halloween
Author: doggettandscully
Author's page:
https://www.fanfiction.net/u/130658/
Category:
X-Files
Genre:
Humor/Parody
Written: 11/24/2001
Words:
4916
Rating:
PG-13 for language

Summary: It's Halloween at the FBI


Washington, DC
31st October 2001

Doggett carefully steered his handle bars toward the right, he had to go to work on his bike that morning because he had accidently crashed his car into a tree on the way home. He had been too busy focusing his thoughts on the big mac he was eating, he hadn't seen the cat in the middle of the road until the last minute and had to violently swerve to avoid the death of the ginger tabby, he rode his bike to the parking lot entrance and carefully waved his ID in front of the guards face, the gate opened and he peddled in with speed and accuracy. He chained his beloved bike to the iron bars and made his way inside.

Doggett walked down the hallway and let out a sneaky whispery fart, giggling to himself he anticipated that he had a small dab of cream on his suit due to the cream doughnut he had eaten for breakfast, as he turned down the hallway toward the gents toilets he came face-to-face with the most unacceptable thing he had ever seen. It was definately Zorro but he couldn't understand nor accept the situation, Zorro in the FBI hallway? 

He watched as Zorro gently bent over and began to drink from a small drinking water basin, Zorro then looked up and gave Doggett a huge grin.

"Good morning Doggett," Zorro greeted, Doggett couldn't answer, he moved his mouth but no words
came out, he was frozen in his position. He decided he was probably seeing things, moving on to the gents would be the best thing for him to do, he was obviously hallucinating the whole scene so he continued down the hallway "Ignorant pig," Zorro bitched, Doggett just shook the image from his head before going inside the toilets.

Inside Doggett walked over and turned the tap on before taking a paper hand towel from the dispenser, he wet the towel and began wiping the cream stain on his suit jacket, whilst glancing at his appearance in the mirror and thinking how handsome he looked today, he gave himself a little wink and adjusted his messy hair into it's usual spikey, cool style. Suddenly he looked in the mirror to see the cubicle door open behind him, he got a smile ready for the person who walked out but a huge puzzled expression came over when the person came out was the murderer in the Scream triology movies, a shit almost shot out and he found himself shaking, in a moment of checking he had to look behind him just to make sure he wasn't seeing things. 

He turned around to find his fears were confirmed, he was in the company of a serial killer from a horror film, a fart darted out at full speed leaving the room filled with a dirty little rumble, he quickly backed off and tried to get as far way as possible.

"Hey John." the masked man said laughing at his appearance in the mirror. Doggett noticed the man was carrying a knife, a big long knife with a curve at the end just like the man in the Scream films, he placed it on the counter beside the sink and began to wash his hands.  

Doggett knew he needed to escape, he knew there was only one way to get away, run as fast as he could. He built up the courage and screamed as loud as he could, "Ahhhhhh" he yelled and ran, his little feet darted along as if they were being run on battery power, they tapped on the floor and picked up speed as he hit the hallway, running as fast as he could to get to protection, the elevator doors came into his sight, opening just in time for him to enter he climbed in and pushed the lower ground floor with cackful speed, a huge
sigh of relief escaped his lips as the doors closed but for some odd reason they re-opened again. 

Had the scream man followed him? Two little hands had managed to stop the elevator doors closing, as they opened another strange sight filled his field of vision, a clown? Was there really a clown getting into the elevator? It wasn't just an ordinary clown Doggett concluded, it's teeth were sharp and it looked frightfully scarey, he knew instantly it was the clown from the Stephen King thriller 'It.'

"Yo Doggett" the voice said, Doggett recognised it as Willmore but he knew it couldn't be. "Wassup?" Willmore's voice asked.

"Erm, erm nothing!" Doggett shrieked in a panicked state. He needed help.

"Just thought after hearing about your accident last night I'd find out how you are," the clown with Willmore's voice said.

"I'm fine," Doggett squealed but was he? He had already imagined so much in so little time, was he in need of counselling or psychiatric help?

"Good, you going to the party tonight?" the clown asked.

"NO!" Doggett almost shouted.

"Why I thought you'd like a party, Scrag, Chow, Reyes, Chopstix and Scully are going," the clown said through the evil teeth which made Doggett shake.

"Oh," Doggett said.

"Well here's my stop." The clown smiled with the sharp teeth in full view, the doors opened at the second floor and then closed when the clown got out, the elevator contiuned down to the basement floor, when it stopped Doggett found himself running at full speed to his office.

Inside he quickly ran to his desk and sat down to catch his breath, he was scared and he knew he needed to calm down before the worst happened - he had been known to shit himself when he had got into such a frightful state.

"Morning," Scully said from the other side of the room, he hadn't even thought to look to see if she was in, he had just ran over and darted down on his chair, he had laid his head on the desk and covered it with his arms.

"Morning," he mumbled as he sat up.

"You're not late are you? Why the panic?" Scully asked.

"Oh I..." before he even got to finish his explanation he saw a witch sitting in Scully's chair, an ugly green faced witch with little green warts over it's face, green sparkly hair and a little black pointy hat with a big gold buckle around it, a furry spider dangling from the tip of the hat with the aid of a piece of string. "Ahhhhhhhh!" he screamed.

"Like it?" the witch said still with a voice of his female partner, Scully.

Doggett found himself standing up and running for the door, he was running for his life.

"Doggett?" the witch called.

"Ahhhh!" he screamed again as he darted down the hallway not looking back, how would he cope with the situation, a witch with Scully's voice? How could such a thing happen, a clown with Willmore's voice? Zorro drinking in the hall? A murderer from the Scream films? What was going on?

He knew he only had one destination to run to, Jean-Paul Crispy, the FBI's counseller. He ran into the elevator and pushed the 4th floor. When it reached it's destination he ran down the corridor and was glad to see the door had a little note attached stating 'Available' which meant he could run in and tell Jean-Paul what he had seen, he knocked on the door and didn't wait for an answer, inside he was met by Jean-Paul and it really was Jean-Paul, not another scarey figure.

"Agent John Doggett," Jean-Paul said in his calm, french accent.

"I need help!" Doggett pleaded running over and getting on his knees, he grabbed a hold of  Jean-Paul's tie and tugged on it with fright as Jean-Paul sat at his desk.

"Ok,"Jean-Paul said pushing him away gently.

"I need help!" Doggett repeated.

"Please have a seat," Jean-Paul proposed, Doggett ran over and plotted his little arse upon the chair which was situated on the other side of Jean-Paul's desk "Ok why do you need help?" Jean-Paul asked with concern.

"I have seen things!" Doggett screeched.

"Like what?" Jean-Paul asked.

"A clown, Zorro, a witch and a murderer from a horror film" he said in a quivering sentence.

"Where?" Jean-Paul asked. "Did you see them on television?"

"NOOOOO!!" Doggett yelled.

"Ok where?"

"Here in the building, they're trying to kill me" Doggett stated with a depressed and terrified facial cast.

"I have already had an agent visit me with the same problem today," Jean-Paul stated. "I think that you are over-worked, Agent Doggett. You need to take some personal time."

"I am?" Doggett asked now calming down.

"I think that what you have seen is just a figment of your wild imagination and you need some time to be alone."

"I must go and see my assistant director," Doggett said now much happier, he was glad that he had now been told that all that he had seen was just due to over working and stress. 

"Yes, you must have some social mixing however, spend some time with your friends, there is a party tonight, that would be suitable," Jean-Paul advised.

"Now you mention it, the clown did ask me if I was going," Doggett said.

"Oh yes," Jean-Paul mumbled as if Doggett was actually a mad-man.

"Did you not get this?" Jean-Paul asked handing Doggett a piece of paper with the title 'Halloween Party.'

"No," Doggett replied happily glancing at the flyer which stated 'Free drinks and plenty of food'

"It will be good for you to spend some good quality time alone and to let your hair down at the party," Jean-Paul said giving Doggett a pat on the back. "Anymore problems, remember that it's your imagination."

"Yes Mr Crispy," Doggett said standing up. "Thank you" he said darting out of the office.


Skinner's Office

Doggett tapped heftily on the door and awaited the usual sound of Skinner's loud voice summonsing him inside.

"Come in," Skinner's voice called. Doggett pushed the door open and strolled happily into the office, he was quite contented at the fact he was having a half-day and Skinner couldn't refuse because it had been advised by the counsellor.

"Ah, agent Doggett," Skinner said happily, "Look at me," he said with a laugh. Doggett looked to see a dracula standing by the window, it had a pale, pastey face and big black hair shaped into a triangular fringe at the front. It also had big white teeth and three-inch fingernails.

"What do you think?" Skinner's voice asked through the dracula; he held his hands out to Doggett and wiggled the scary nails around with a laugh before stepping closer to him.

Doggett froze in fear, he had the right mind to turn and run away but then he remembered Jean-Paul's advice 'All you are seeing is a figment of your imagination' he had said and Doggett felt at ease. It was just in his mind, Skinner wasn't a dracula, Doggett was just seeing such a strange thing.

"Er sir I need to speak with you," he said sounding as calm and normal as possible.

"Spit it out then, agent Doggett," Skinner demanded, now taking a seat at his desk.

"Er...well I have to go home."

"Huh? You want to go home again, agent Doggett?" he asked sounding rather enraged.

"Er...no I have to go home, sir."

"And what would lead you to 'have' to go home agent Doggett? Are they showing repeats of Star trek on Sci-fi again?" Skinner asked with a sarcastic laugh.

"No sir, Jean-Paul Crispy thinks I'm over-worked and need a rest," he said not quite telling the whole truth about his reasons for going home. He looked at Skinner's pastey dracula-style face and found himself feeling even more confused and mad at the same time.

"Really? Well I suppose I have to let you go considering it was on Jean-Paul's advice but I wish to see some form of proof tomorrow morning," he said as he waved his long-nailed hand toward the door as a way of telling him to leave.

"Er...thank you, sir," Doggett said and rushed from the room as fast as he could.

Doggett dashed down the hallway and headed for the staircase, he didn't wish to use the elevator just incase he came face to face with the evil clown again. He pushed the swing doors open and dashed down the first flight of stairs but felt shock take over his mind and body as a large figure stood at the bottom of the staircase with a dragon-type thing. He stopped in his tracks and on closer inspection noticed the huge figure to be a fat Batman complete with eye mask, ears and a cape.

"Hey there," The Batman said, "What are you supposed to be?"

"Er...excuse me," Doggett said as he rushed passed. He had to get away from the building and home to his cosy bed for a rest as fast as possible.

"Wait" a female voice called, he turned around to see the dragon facing him.

"Don't you know how to say hello, you fucking ignorant bastard?" Doggett instantly recognised the foul language to be that of Reyes' and looked to see that the dragon had a cigarette clasped between its claws.

"Er...hello," he said.

"that's better, so what are you anyway?" it asked as it put the cigarette in its mouth.

"Er what do you mean?" Doggett asked and suddenly felt fear take over his actions as a huge ball  of smoke escaped the mouth of the dragon.

"Aaaaaah!" he squealed and turned to run off down the stairs.

"Hey wait, you fucking mad-man," the dragon called but Doggett was too scared to listen any longer and found himself running faster than he had ever ran in his entire life.


DOGGETT'S HOUSE

Doggett slumped down on the sofa and let out a huge sigh of relief, what was going on? Why was he seeing strange things instead of his colleagues at work? Was he suddenly crazy?  Questions began to circle his head as he sat with a confused expression upon his face. A loud knock on the door suddenly broke his thoughts and he climbed from his sitting position and walked over to the door. Should he open it? What if he had  another vision? He refused to listen to his mind any longer and quickly pulled the door open.

"Hey there, long time no see" Aafamiliar voice said.

"Mulder!" Doggett said happily.

"Mind if I crash?"

"No...of course not, what are you doing here?"

"Just thought I'd surprise Scully," he stated. "I wasn't expecting you to be home yet."

"I came home early," Doggett said, "Come in."

Mulder grabbed his bags and entered the house.

"Agent Krab rang me last night, he said there was a party at the bureau," he said.

"Oh yeah, there is," Doggett said, "Are you going?"

"Yep, I'm all prepared," Mulder said as he patted one of his bags. "What are you going to be?"

"Huh?" Doggett asked with confusion.

"At the party."

"Oh...er," Doggett had absolutely no idea what Mulder was going on about, he decided it best to just change the subject. "Coffee?"

"Yeah, sure." Mulder smiled. "Black with one sugar."

Doggett dashed into the kitchen with speed, Mulder placed his bags against the wall beside the  door.

"So how long you here for?" Doggett asked as he filled the kettle.

"Just until tomorrow afternoon," Mulder replied.

"Oh right, well I'm sure Scully will be pleased," Doggett stated with a grin.


THAT NIGHT

Doggett relaxed on the sofa. he believed he was finally over his visions and now looked back on his demented moments with a laugh. It had all been a figment of his imagination due to over-working as Jean-Paul Crispy had said and he had been right. he was seeing Mulder as Mulder and not anything else and he had even seen his neighbour Mrs. Kibabb in her usual way and not a scary vision in her place.

He reached out and turned the television over. a happy vision filled the screen as a re-run of  Cagney and Lacey began to play.

"Doggett you'd better be getting ready. it's seven o'clock. We have to be there for eight," Mulder advised with a happy grin. "I'm going to get dressed," he added. he grabbed one of his bags and  darted upstairs with excitement.

Doggett couldn't understand why Mulder was so happy about the party. it was then he remembered the free drink and food promised on the flyer. He also began to become excited. he turned the television up and continued to watch Cagney and Lacey.

**

TEN MINUTES LATER

Doggett stretched his arms and yawned as the adverts began to play. He concluded now would be the right time to go and get ready for the halloween party. he stood up. 

"Hey," Mulder's dry voice said. "Look at me. how do I look?"

Doggett span around and was taken aback when he saw a large skeleton style figure before him, standing mid-way down the stairs "Do you like it?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Doggett screeched. "What have you done with my friend?" Doggett asked. His heart began to pound. he began to shake. he then farted and nearly fainted. a large burp  escaped his lips all due to the shock of his mad visions returning. 'Just my imagination' Doggett repeated to himself in his head.

"Quit mucking around, you farty bastard" Mulder joked laughing hysterically at Doggett's fart.

"OK," Doggett said pretending to laugh. the skeleton which had a strange black shadow around it walked further down the stairs and into the kitchen. this was the perfect oppurtunity to run upstairs and get dressed.


THE HALLOWEEN PARTY
FBI HEADQUARTERS

The Skeleton looked different in the dark. Doggett concluded. The black shadow around it could no longer be seen. the white skeletol outline was glowing and it looked even more scarier. then he remembered the skeleton was his imagination and the person beside him was Mulder. he knew he had to just pretend it was Mulder he was seeing and not a glowing skeleton.

"Free drink Doggett," Mulder yelped with joy. "Can you imagine the fun? You didn't dress up much did you?" Mulder asked with a smile.

"No," Doggett mumbled offended by the rudeness. Doggett was wearing his most expensive suit, so how dare he accuse him of dressing down.

They drove into the FBI parking lot and parked the car. Doggett was the first to get out he quickly ran off and went in search of the free drinks. He found the party room with ease. 

He heard music and people giggling and laughing and just followed his ears. As he walked down the hallway towards the party room he realised how creepy it looked. A huge white screen had been placed in the hall so you faced it directly as you walked in. the light from the room cast an eerie glow upon the screen and shadows of the party guests could clearly be seen. On the other side he could see strange shadows dancing and moving. on closer inspection he saw two shadows. 

One moving about quickly as if struggling to get away from something. he noticed a pointy hat on the shadow. it reminded him of the witch he seen in the office that morning the one with Scully's voice. The other shadow looked like the dragon he had seen on the staircase earlier that day and on closer inspection Doggett noticed the dragon had something like a long pointy object in its hand almost poking into the witch. Was it a murder taking place?

Fear again trembled around his body. what should he do? Was the dragon going to stab Scully the witch? He could almost hear the music from psycho playing. the shower scene music that is. He suddenly felt a hefty pat intrude his back rather hard. he spun around to see the skeleton "Where'd you go?" The skeletal figure asked. "I wanted to go in first" Doggett lied trying to maintain himself. "Oh, you seen Scully yet?"

"NO," Doggett replied with fear.

"Hey, look isn't that cool?" it asked as it motioned to the huge white screen in front of them  that clearly showed shadows of the people inside the party.

"Er, yes it is," Doggett replied still looking at the shadows. the dragon moved the sharp object closer to the witch and Doggett began to wonder if he should intervene.

"Come on in then," Mulder said dragging him along. He pulled him down the hall further and around  the screen where a huge party was taking place. Doggett was met with more visions of madness: almost fifty scary figures were dancing to 'I put a spell on you'.

"MULDER!!!" the excited witch screamed. Doggett looked to see where the witch and dragon had been
standing. Scully the witch was dancing around whilst the dragon danced holding out a cigarette which would explain the pointy object. Doggett suddenly began to realise. things were coming  clear. It was a fancy-dress party. it was halloween and people were dressing up for the event. 

The visions weren't his imagination it was real because they were all dressed up for the party. A calming sensation filled his mind further when the large banner directly in front read 'Halloween Fancy Dress Party.'

How could he have been so stupid? Maybe he'd hurt his head worse than he'd thought when he'd crashed his bike.

"Mulder!" Scully repeated. she instantly stopped dancing and dashed over to greet Mulder in his lycra black suit with the print of a skeleton on the front.

"Hey Scully," Mulder said with hardly any life in his voice, as usual. "How are you?"

"I'm great. How did you know about this?" she asked.

"Agent Krab informed me," Mulder said with a grin. "Told me all about the party."

"Great! What a happy surprise!" she squealed giving him a big hug.

"Er...hi Scully," Doggett said now realising that he could refer to her as Scully and not a witch.

"Hi...what are you Doggett? You didn't dress up" She said sounding almost hurt at his effortless attendance at the party.

"Er...yes I'm..." Doggett looked down at his suit. "Er..." He thought hard for something to say. anything. He didn't want to be the only agent that hadn't dressed up. suddenly an image of the Kray twins came to mind. he was perfect for the part he decided. "I'm...Reggie Kray," he said proudly.

"Wow. that's a good one," Mulder said sounding almost jelous that he hadn't thought of such a good outfit.

"Yeah well done." Scully smiled.

"Well well well. what have we here?" Skinner's voice bellowed from behind. Doggett turned to see Skinner still dressed as a dracula complete with pale face and long pointy nails. "Agent...er I mean, Mulder," he corrected himself.

"Hi sir. just thought I'd join in the fun," Mulder said cheerfully.

"Well just as long as you don't touch anything," Skinner bitched. "And agent Doggett you didn't see fit to dress up?"

"Er...yes I'm-"

"He's Reggie Kray," Scully said happily.

"Oh...er...right," Skinner said feeling angry that he hadn't thought of such a character to go as.

"Hey guys," Willmore the scary clown said as he entered the circle. "Agent Mulder," he said with a smile. "Good to see you."

"Hi. great outfit," he complemented.

"Likewise," Willmore replied admiring Mulder's skeleton suit.

"Hey guess who Doggett came as," Scully said.

"Er..." Willmore looked hard at the plain black suit. "Er...a member of the blues brothers?"

"No. he's Reggie Kray," Scully said proudly.

"Really? Wow its great," Willmore said staring at the suit. he wished he had thought to come as one of the Kray twins instead.

"I think he's gonna win," Scully said.

"Win?" Doggett asked in a cacky fit. "Win what?"

"A surprise gift for the best outfit."

"Yes. well I think I should win. I'm the only skeleton here," Mulder said in a bitchy manner as he glanced around for any signs of another skeleton. 

"Yes well I think I should win" Reyes shouted as she appeared in the circle.

"You?" Mulder asked. "I don't even know who *you* are and I don't think I've ever seen anyone dressed as a dinosaur for a halloween party," he said giving her a bitchy look.

"I'm a dragon you fucking moron and I know who *you* are. Wouldn't a ghost outfit be better, Spooky?" she asked with the same amount of bitchiness as she tossed her cigarette to the floor.

"I'm not spooky!" Mulder said with rage.

"Spooky. spooky. spooky," Reyes teased.

"Shut up!" Mulder squealed like a baby. "I don't have to listen to a *dragon* bitching to me," he added as he rushed off to the drinks table.

"Well I think the only winner here should be Doggett," Scully said.

**

LATER
Doggett sat sipping his drink in a tipsy state of mind. he watched as agent Kaerful got prepaired with agent Scitso to announce the winner of the fancy dress do. He watched as they chatted amongst each other on the stage and began to cack. he would do absolutely anything to win. he had to win. nobody could win except him, he decided.

"Agents we have found a winner," Agent Scitzo said as he stood up to the microphone. "The winner has been voted for by all here tonight."

Doggett felt butterflies in his stomach. he watched as agent Kaerful took the envelope and slowly open it. he watched as her lips moved to announce the winner.

"Agent-" she said and Doggett gripped his chair with anxiety. "-John Doggett as Reggie Kray!"

Doggett jumped up from his chair as fast as the speed of light and rushed up to the stage with the aid of angry whispers and tutts from all around. He rushed up the small steps and onto the stage to join the two agents.

"Well done!" Agent Scitso smiled as he handed him an envelope. Doggett snatched it with speed and tore it open.

'You have one a brand spanking new pack of pens for your office!' The message read much to Doggett's depression.

"What? Pens?" he asked.

"Well done." Kaerful smiled as she waved him off the stage with her hand.

Doggett gave them both a bitchy look and plodded off the stage and back to his chair.

"Maybe it was a good thing I didn't win," Mulder joked with sarcasm.

"Me too!" Reyes said happily.

"Ha ha very funny," Doggett bitched as he slumped into his chair with depression and tipsiness.

He grabbed his drink and gulped it down with speed.

THE END

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