Title: The Fluffy Mountain Horror
Summary: Something BIG is going down at Kalmath Falls tonight. Find out about it in this week's edition of: The Fluffy Mountain Horror
Note: After the damningly amazing feedback I received for my last crazyfic (btw. Thankyou to all who bothered
Dedication: Richelieu. Live with it mister :D Who says us Aussies are nuts?? Y'all are the ones with airplanes called "great big glob of snot one." Hee hee.
It flounced bouncily over rock and twig with the smug grin of a Mountain Horror Mystery. It was known to the local PD as 'Fluffy'. Notorious thigymajigger extra-ordinare.
Fluffy, the Mystery Mountain Blob stopped. He sat back on his furry hind legs and snuffled the air. Cucumber. That smug grin returned. Ho-hum. All bastards are bastards but some bastards is BAAAASTARDS.
You see, the thing was, Fluffy loved Cucumber. Not only did he love it, he worshipped it. He sacrificed ten Cucumbers daily to the almighty Cucumber god.
But why were Cucumbers bastards?
They just were.
Fluffy bounced stealthily to the edge of the fence. And waited.
"And five here in Kalmath Falls, Oregon."
"But Mulder, that makes twelve killings in three days, each on different sides of the country, not to mention the one in Alaska. NO killer can move that fast!"
"Ah, but this one can."
"Could he have an accomplice?"
"You always say that."
"Anyway, these...cucumber mutilations. Something big may be going down here."
"Like what? The national vegetarian conference?"
"No, I didn't say that. Say Scully, have you ever heard of the Fluffy Mountain Horror?"
"The Fluffy who?"
"Evidently not, anyway, the Klamath Falls locality have this myth that a great big Fluffy entity roams the mountain farms at night, killing crops and mutilating vegetables."
"That's absurd Mulder, have you considered the possibility of a rabbit maybe?"
"Shhh! You'll give away the plot!"
"Oh? Oh yeah. Sorry."
"We leave tomorrow, here's your tickets. I'll meet you at the airport."
"You got it."
And waited. Finally he saw his chance. A largish gap in the fence, just big enough for him to wriggle through.
Fluffy's eyes gleamed. The smell of the hunt blew heavy in his nostrils. The green flicker of an airborne leaf. Fluffy bounced. Once. Twice. There. He was just close enough. A herd of Cucumbers grazed in the sun. Perfect.
Bob the CucumberHerd leaned against the wooden fence and chewed on a piece of grass. Well, it looked like a piece of grass anyway?
His Cucumbers were growing nicely; the herd was fighting fit. He shouted at a straying vegetable. This didn't do much, of course, as vegetables are inanimate. Or at least they should be. Anyway, having his last attempt at calling over the cucumber failed, he sighed and went to pick it up.
Suddenly, something was on top of him. It was large, bouncy and extremely fluffy. Its teeth were white and its eyes blazed red as it wrestled the stray Cucumber out of his grasp.
Bob kicked away from the Fluffy Horror, and ran for his shotgun.
Two rounds and the Horror was gone. But the stray Cucumber was gone too. Bob and the Herd mourned for its loss.
"So who are we interviewing first then Mulder? Whilemina Dwyer or Bob Bob?"
"I think that Mr. Bob would be our best bet Scully, he had a Cucumber taken from him just yesterday."
"Mr. Bob it is."
Bob answered the door.
"Good morning Mr. Bob, This is agent Mulder and I am agent Scully, FBI. We're here to investigate the kidnap and torture of several Cucumbers in this area over the last five days. May we speak with you about the events surrounding the kidnapping of your Cucumber on Wednesday the twelfth?"
"FBI. Can we speak to you please Mr. Bob."
Bob sniffed and stepped aside from the doorway.
"Sure," he said, "Come on in."
The agents stepped across the threshold. "So Mr. Bob, tell us what happened at five p.m. last Wednesday."
"If it helps?"
"Well okay then?" Bob took a seat. "I was leaning against my wooden fence Wednesday afternoon at about four to five. The sun was shining, and the birds were too lazy to sing. I chewed hazily on what might have been a piece of grass in my mouth through operation of the jaw. Salivating occasionally."
"What were you doing while you chewed this alleged piece of grass, Mr. Bob?"
"I was watching my Cucumbers graze."
"They were grazing?"
"Yeah, a man's gotta keep his Cucumbers healthy. Vegetable have feelings too y'know. Does them a world of good to get out in the paddocks and have a run around."
"But Mr. Bob, aren't Cucumbers inanimate?"
"Shh! Scully, you'll give away the plot!"
"What? oh. OH yeah?.Sorry. Go on, Mr. Bob."
"Anyway, I look up and one of the Cucumbers is straying from the herd."
"What did you do?"
"I called it back"
"Did it return?"
"Nope. So I went to fetch it, just as I was bending over, BOOM! Out of the blue, this great big giant fluffy animal thing leaps out at me and kidnaps my Cucumber. Just like that!"
"Do you recall anything else about this things appearance? What color its hair was, did it say anything??"
"Well yeah, it had a tail, not a small poofy one, but a huge, thumpy tail, like the one on Godzilla? looked a little like a rabbit? oh yeah, and it said 'Yep. Thanks mate.'"
Mulder stepped forward, rubbing his chin. "Some sort of kan-uh rabbit hey? It didn't have a foreign accent did it?"
Bobs cratered forehead wrinkled. "Ah yeah, I think it might've, come to think of it. It did have a strange voice."
"Thank you, Mr. Bob."
Mulder guided Scully out the door and to the car. Bob ran after them. "Hey! Wait! Do you know who kidnapped my Cucumber then? I want my baby back!"
"Yes Mr. Bob, we have a profile. We'll get back to you as soon as we can."
The Fluffy Mountain Horror bounded around the ceremonial Cucumber fire. He smeared a stripe of sacrificial tomato blood across his fuzzy grey forehead. And grinned.
Yep. It was time for a little shrimp on the barbie. A real Bonza feed.
The tenth Cucumber lay on a rock in front of the sacred fire, grazing.
Fluffy bounced. He began the opening chant.
"Gidday mate. Howzit goin? Cor cobber bugger me crow. Gidday mate. Howzit goin? Cor cobber bugger me crow?"
The fire flickered.
"Mulder what are you thinking?"
"A kangaroo. I think the Cucumber was kidnapped by a kangaroo."
"Not a rabbit?"
"Not even this Fluffy Mountain Horror?"
"I think that the kangaroo *is* the Fluffy Mountain Horror."
"Think about it Scully, a big, bouncing rabbit thing that says Yep. What else could it be?"
"Mmm yes. Anyway, last night I looked in to the Cucumber cult and guess what."
"The cult sacrifices eleven Cucumbers over eleven days during the Cucumber solstice. One cucumber per night."
"Oh my god Mulder, that means that?"
"Yep. That means that the killer will strike one more time to complete the Cucumber solstice."
"We have to stop him."
Fluffy raised the sacred knife high up and chanted.
"Bonza feed mate no worries. Howz about a few shrimps on the Barbie? Cor mate, screw me ankle."
His eyes shimmered. The knife came down. The Cucumber?
"Bonza feed mate."
The agents arrived at the Cucumber farm. This is where the Mountain Horror would come tonight. The game was on.
Fluffy finished the sacrifice with a decisive HOWZAT!
And put out the fire.
He smirked. Ten down. One to go.
All bastards is bastards, but some bastards is BAAAASTARDS.
Mulder and Scully crouched behind a tree, waiting with baited breath for Fluffy, the Cucumber slayer.
Scully gave Mulder a breathmint.
Fluffy bounced over twig and rock. His tail thumped with every landing.
He reared up on his fluffy hind legs and sniffed the air.
CUCUMBERS. and a hint of something else? But mainly it was CUCUMBERS. And that was all that mattered.
Fluffy bounced stealthily to the fence and crawled through the hole.
Cucumbers, a herd of them, grazing calmly in the grass. Unsuspecting.
Fluffy sure loved Cucumbers?
It was hideous. Mulder and Scully's eyes grew wide as they took in the large, nasty looking kangaroo. They reached for their guns.
Fluffy bounced closer to the unsuspecting vegetables. And smiled. Hello.
Both Agents stepped out from behind the tree I tandem.
"FREEZE! FBI! PUT YOUR HANDS UP!"
Fluffy froze, turned and raised his paws awkwardly.
Scully stepped forwards and handcuffed the malicious roo.
"Fluffy Mountain Horror, The, you are under arrest for the murder and attempted kidnap of eleven Cucumbers in twelve states of America. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can and will be used against you in the court of law."
Fluffy frowned. Busted. He looked at the agents who had arrested him.
Bastards is bastards and these bastards were bastards.
So much for the Bonza feed.
Judge: "Fluffy Mountain Horror, the , I sentence you to life imprisonment on the last continent of Australia. Postage paid."
Fluffy stood in pitiful gloom as the local PD put him in a wooden box bound for Australia.
So. This was it then. The notorious Fluffy. Mountain Horror extra-ordinare reduced to nothing but an American refugee.
Mulder and Scully sat with boredom in their x-files office.
"Good days work then, hey?"
"Put that damn Kangaroo in his place then, hey?"
Fluffy bounced out of his box. Red. Hot.
"Gidday, mate." A red kangaroo.
"Gidday. I'm Fluffy who the bloody hell are you?"
"Fred. Me name's Fred."
"Gidday, mate." A red kangaroo.
"Gidday. I'm Fluffy who the bloody hell are you?"
"Fred. Me name's Fred. Say mate, do yuh fancy a Cucumber?
Fluffy's eyes glittered. "Yep."
Fluffy settled in to Australia well. Fred kept on bugging him to change his name though. He reckoned it wasn't Australian enough.
Well? He'd always wanted to change his name.
A truck roared by, "Skippy's Beer." Was painted on the side.
Fluffy grinned. He'd always liked the name Skippy.
End Notes: Most Australians should get the skippy joke? I hope.
No Cucumbers, Kangaroos or stories were harmed during the making of this film?uh?story.
What the hell are you still doing here?!?