Title: Curses! Gifts! Prince Fox Mulder! Lone Gunfairies!
Author: IseMaiden
Written: March 1998
Rating: R for language (mainly author's language)
Archive: Anywhere as long as my name remains on it.

Disclaimer: These get so tedious, but they're necessary. So, the characters in this story do not belong to me. They belong to Chris Carter and those folks at the Fox Network. (Not to mention DD, GA, and the rest of those wonderful actors that bring our fave characters to life!) I won't make any money off of this, and I don't want my butt sued for writing it. Now...on with the story.

Summary: What would happen if Fox Mulder was a prince under a curse? What would happen if Dana Scully ate Spam and eggs for breakfast? What would happen if the Lone Gunmen dressed like fairies? What would happen if CSM had a royal cancerstick? What would happen if Krycek lived in a cave? Why did I write this story? (A fractured fairy tale.)


One upon a time in a kingdom not so far away (in fact, you can get there easily on an airplane), a prince was born to the Cigarette-Smoking King. The king was overjoyed; he actually cracked a small, predatory smile while the smoke from his royal cancerstick curled up around his head in a thick, toxic cloud.

The king, and the queen (because there has to be a queen in order for there to be a prince, but she's not really important to the story) decided to name their son Fox Mulder. (Why both names, I don't know...a royal quirk or something I guess.) An elaborate naming ceremony was held to introduce the new royal family member to the rest of the kingdom. Among many of the illustrious guests were three odd men dressed in tutus and huge fake fairy wings. (So this is a low-budget fairy-tale...I didn't have the money to hire real fairies!) They were known throughout the kingdom as the Lone Gunfairies, and they were there to specifically oserve the ceremony so that they could print the facts in their conspiracy newsletter. However, they thought that as long as they were there they could each give the little prince a gift. The first to step forward and offer his gift was Langly.

"This guy," said Langly, adjusting his leotards which were just a little too tight, "will be so strikingly handsome that women will flock to him, and they will even start clubs in order to honor his good looks." The crowd clapped and stomped thier feet, roaring their approval. Next Frohike stepped forward.

"This guy," said Frohike, pulling his fake wings back into the right spot again, "will pursue anything he starts in his life with dogged determination. He'll never give up!" The crowd oooohed and aaaahed.

Finally Byers stepped forward. He was the only Lone Gunfairy whose costume actually fit right.

"This guy..." Byers started, but before he could finish a huge blast of sulferous smoke filled the room and a leather-jacketed young man with a chip on his plastic shoulder appeared. "Ratboy!" The CSK said vehemently.

Ratboy, also known as the most-feared-sorcerer-in-the-kingdom-because-he-has-no-loyalties, smiled. "Yes, CSK, it is I...who you have neglected to invite to this wonderful get-together. However, I don't hold grudges, so I'd like to give the boy my own gift." And he stepped forward till he was standing right befire the dias.

"This young prince will forever be plagued by his love for strange and far-out conspiracy theories. He will become so engrossed with them that he will be considered "spooky" and will be allientated from the rest of the sensible population! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" And he disappeared as he had come.

The CSK was devestated...until Byers spoke up.

"CSK, I have yet to deliver my gift. I could counter-act the evil one's gift with my own," said the remaining Lone Gunfairy. The CSK nodded, so Byers quickly re-thought what he would give the young prince.

"When the time is right, a person will come to act as the prince's voice of reason. Since this is the 90's, we'll make that person a beautiful woman, because we all know that women are more reasonable then men anyway."

The crowd cheered Byers and started a mosh pit as the royal band struck up a lively tune.


Years later, Prince Fox Mulder was busily studying a file of papers. His passion for strange phenomena had led him to start collecting all occurences of them that he could find. He put them all together in a file cabinet that his father had bought him, and called them X-Files. (He also had a special room in the basement of the castle all to himself.)

There was a knock on the door and one of the king's men opened it.

Prince Fox Mulder looked up. "Yes? What is it? I'm really busy right now..."

"I'm sorry to intrude, my Prince, the CSK wishes to see you right now...he says that it is urgent."

Prince Fox Mulder sighed and got up. His father was constantly dragging him to these meetings with emissaries from other kingdoms. teh prince thought that they were pointless excersizes compared to his work with the X-Files, but he couldn't deny his father.

So Prince Fox Mulder wandered up to the throne room, only to discover his father was alone. No diplomats were waiting to banter with him over endlessly boring subjects. The prince beathed a sigh of relief.

"Dad?"

CSK turned around at the sound of his son's voice and smiled a secretive smile. "Ah, there you are, Fox Mulder! Have you been busy working on your X-Files?" He said the last sentance with a touch of disdain; he hated his son's work as much as Fox Mulder loved it.

"Yes, Dad, I've been busy working on them. Was there something that you wanted?"

"Well, Fox Mulder, I have been thinking that it is about time for you to get married. I am no longer as young as I once was (big surprise there; why do people always say that?), and I need to know that the kingdom will be safe in a king AND a queen's hands. So, I have arranged for your marriage."

Prince Fox Mulder gaped at his father. A wife? Now? But he had the X-Files to work on. How could he marry now? That would cut into his time drastically. However, his father was the king. "Ok, Dad. If you think that it's right, I guess that I will marry. Who is she?"

His father looked at him for a few minutes and then said, "She's a princess from a far-off land, Fox Mulder. She should be arriving sometime today. She's well-known for her beauty and reasonable head."

Yikes! She sounded like a bore to Fox Mulder, but he didn't care. He'd marry her and then continue his work on the X-Files while she found something else to keep her attention. "Whatever Dad. Call me when she gets here." And the prince went back down to the basement to continue his work.


So, Prince Fox Mulder was married to the princess from a far-off land, Princess Dana Scully. (Oh, come on! You knew this was coming!) He continued to work on the X-Files, but with one difference. His wife worked with him. As Princess Dana Scully saw it, why not work with her husband on everything? Prince Fox Mulder enjoyed her company even though he didn't want to admit it to himself. She constantly shot down his wild theories, and made him see that sometimes things didn't have to be totally off the wall. He fell in love with her.

Things were slightly the same on her side. She had seen some pretty weird shit while working with her husband, and that had made her even more interested in finding logical explanations for everything.

They made a good team.

Krycek, the most-feared-sorcerer-in-the-kingdom-because-he-has-no-loyalties, was totally pissed off at the turn of events. He had cursed that damn prince, and then that meddling Lone Gunfairy Byers had had to step it and foul it up! It was enough to make him pop his plastic arm off all over again! So...he decided to foul things up once more. He hatched a plan, literally. His egg-planner hatched about the time he was wracking his brain for a plan. (Don't ask me what the hell an egg-planner is! I just threw it in...I can do that; I'm an author.)

It told him that he needed to steal Princess Dana Scully and kill her.

Then Prince Fox Mulder's voice of reason would be gone and he would fuck up his life again! Krycek smiled evily, anticipating this wonderful turn of events. He sent his henchmen, a couple of bumbling fools (because evil sorcerors always have bumbling fools as their henchmen), to steal Princess Dana Scully.

However, since they were both idiots, they ended up stealing the wrong person! When Krycek, the most-feared-sorcerer-in-the-kingdom-because-he-has-no-loyalties, opened up the sack (because I think hauling people around in sacks is an interesting idea) he found Prince Fox Mulder extremely pissed off and clutching an X-File in his hand.

"You bumbling fools!" Krycek yelled. (Funny...that's what they are...how come these evil sorcerors never notice that they are bumbling fools until they fuck up?) "I wanted Princess Dana Scully, not Prince Fox Mulder! I can't trust you to do anything right!" The bumbling fools cringed, muttering curses at him, but Krycek didn't notice. He was trying to figure out how the hell he could salvage this situation.

Finally, he decided to lock up Prince Fox Mulder in a small home-built holding cell (only evil sorcerors have enough forsight to build these things).

Back at the castle, the CSK was pacing the halls with Princess Dana Scully. The princess didn't like her father-in-law much, mainly because she could feel her lungs shriveling up from second-hand smoke every time she was around him. But he was the king, and she was his daughter-in-law, so she had to tolerate him.

"Do you know what happened to my son, Princess Dana Scully?"

"My king, I could not tell you what happened to your son, my husband. He was working on an X-File when I left to get us lunch. When I returned, he was gone." She didn't add the fact that she had found a note saying: I have stolen your princess because I want your life to be totally fucked up again. Sincerely yours, Krycek, the most-feared-sorcerer-in-the-kingdom-because-he-has-no-loyalties. She thought that might be a false lead.

CSK sighed. "Well, then we will never find him again. My son is dead. We must find a replacement for him as soon as possible."

Princess Dana Scully excused herself and quickly made her way to the stables of the castle. Soon, she was riding through the countryside in search of Krycek's, the most-feared-sorcerer-in-the-kingdom--because-he-has-no-loyalties, cave (because evil sorcerors always have really cool caves to live in). Even though she thought that the note she found might be a false clue, it was the only lead she had.

So here she was, riding through the countryside on a horse that seemed to know more about riding than she did, looking for a cave that may or may not exist, following a clue that may or may not have been false. Finally (just to save you all from having to read anymore of that stupid paragraph), she happened to come upon a roadsign. It said: Krycek's, the most-feared-sorcerer-in-the-kingdom-because-he-has-no-loyalties, cave: 5 miles down this road. Princess Dana Scully rode on thinking, that's convienient. (Well, what else would she be thinking? There's a runner in my pantyhose? I think not.) She soon came upon the cave, and got off the horse, which stayed there as if rooted to the spot. (Why? Because this is a fairytale...of course her horse is going to behave itself!) Princess Dana Scully walked right in the entryway of the cave.

"Hello," she called. "Is anyone here?"

Krycek, the most-feared-sorcerer-in-the-kingdom-because-he-has-no-loyalties, who was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, poked his head around the partition and smiled. "Why, Princess Dana Scully! What a surprise! Won't you have a seat? I was just making breakfast."

"Certainly," Princess Dana Scully said. "I am famished, and breakfast sounds great!"

So, she and Krycek, the most-feared-sorcerer-in-the-kingdom-because-he-has-no-loyalties, had a lovely breakfast of Spam and eggs.

(Yuck! Oh well...it's what came to mind. Could have been worse. They could have been dining on Spurkey, which we all know is Spam-turkey.)

Then Princess Dana Scully remembered why she had come.

"Krycek, the most-feared-sorcerer-in-the-kingdom-because-he-has-no-loyalties, did you kidnap my husband, Prince Fox Mulder?"

"Why, yes, Princess Dana Scully. I did kidnap your husband, Prince Fox Mulder, yesterday."

Princess Dana Scully nodded. "That's what I thought. I'm afraid that I will have to kick your ass now, and win back my husband. And after this wonderful breakfast too!"

Krycek sighed. "Well, you must do what you must do, Princess Dana Scully." And they fought. Well, they thumb-wrestled actually.

Of course, Princess Dana Scully won, even though her hands are much smaller than Krycek's. Krycek, the most-feared-sorcerer-in-the-kingdom-because-he-has-no-loyalties, was utterly destroyed mentally after losing to a GIRL of all things, and he threw himself out of his cave. He didn't die because he hadn't thought to build his cave high up on the mountain, so he just rolled around on the ground for a little while until the horse kicked him in the head for startling it.

Princess Dana Scully freed her husband and they returned to the castle with much rejoicing. (Of course, they had never had a honeymoon, so they stopped off at a nice little inn and spent most of a weekend in their room. You use your imagination on THAT one!) And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Krycek, who woke up in a hospital with a plastic head.

~~ ** ~The END~~ ** ~


Ok, I know that it is a really odd, seriously disturbed, and butchered rendition of a popular fairy tale. (Which one? Well, I know what I modeled the first bit of it after, but the rest kinda came from my twisted mind, and not the fairy tale.) However, if you made it this far, maybe you'll go a little farther and write me some feedback.

*smiles* That'd be cool!

~~ ** ~ISE~~ ** ~

 

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