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Title: Abducted!!! Summary: OH SO SHIPPY!!! OH SO SLASHY!!! ROTFL*Y*AO, LOL, TRD*Y*F...I was inspired by watching a zoo show and TXF at the same time. It isn't the most original idea I've had, but I haven't seen it in the archives, so I'm guessing I'm the first. Disclaimer: The characters I used are the property of 1013 productions and Chris Carter. As usual, I hereby relinquish all of my rights to anything in the story. No malice is intended towards Senator Patty Murray (whom I voted for) or the talented Dale Chihooley, both of whom are upstanding citizens who (to my knowledge, anyway) have NEVER REALLY BEEN Abducted BY ALIENS OF ANY KIND. This is fiction, and I do not alledge that any of the events in this story actually happened; in fact, I deny that claim vehemently. VOTE MURRAY ON 11/4/98!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: In the spirit of the slash, the ship, the "H" category of Gossamer ;), DESK, SPAK, the Safety Dance, the San Diego Zoo, and anthropology, I present to you..."Abducted!!!" PART 1: Narrarated by Yours Truly, who was there (although I was invisible)up until the part where we got into the UFO, and then I had to steal the anthropological records from the Proximi Centaurians, who, incidentally, call themselves "Mofo Badasses." October 31, 1998 Mulder and Scully sat below the hulking statue of Lenin eating burritos. Scully was trying to get the burrito into her mouth, but without much luck. Mulder was feeding pieces of chicken from his burrito to the local pigeons. He laughed. "Mubpheh!" Scully exclaimed, with her mouth full of beans, rice, tortilla, tomatoes, organic lettuce, Tillamook cheese, salsa, and much, much more! She swallowed. "Mulder, you're feeding those birds *other birds*!" He laughed. "That's what makes it so funny," he said, smirking. She stared at him, incredulous. He tossed a pigeon some rice. "Now it's going to explode!" she said, glaring. "You know that isn't true. It's been proven false continuo-" "Nuh uh! It's been proven true!" Her face fell suddenly. "When I was a little girl, Melissa wanted to prove to me it was false... so she fed a pigeon a little bowl of rice. The tiny grave is still in my mother's yard!" Mulder blinked. The pigeon blinked back and waddled away to its demise. They had been called into Seattle to investigate the multiple abductions of families in the Seattle city limits. The victims had nothing in common, except that without exception whole families and households had been abducted. The abductions represented a variety of races, religions, lifestyles, and political persuasions. The most notable abductions consisted of Dale Chihooley, an internationally renowned glass-blower from the area, and his family, and Patty Murray (D), the incumbent candidate for the US Senate, and her family. Upon arrival, Mulder suggested that they see if any of the families had anything in common. Earlier that morning they had rifled through the pages of description to find that there was absolutely no connection- some drank Pepsi, some Coke, and some were Mormons and didn't drink anything! Some were gay and some straight, some undecided, some thought they were straight but they weren't, and vice versa. Some liked Elvis, some liked the Beatles, and some (like my professor) insisted that they liked David Byrne the best. Some of them were black, some were white, some were Lummi Natives, and some checked the "other" box. There were University of Washington graduates, and there were Washington State University graduates, and there were a lot of U.C.L.A. graduates, most of whom resided in the comfortable but cheesy suburb of Bellevue. There were singles and couples and menage-a-tois and one pair of siamese twins! "Siamese twins!" exclaimed Scully. What could any group want with disabled twins? "Maybe they wanted to..." Mulder laughed. "No, never mind. That's terrible." He giggled. "Maybe they wanted to what, Mulder?" "No, it's rude. I shouldn't say it." "Tell me, Mulder! What were you going to say?" "No, no, if I told you, you'd think less of me. I'd better not." He laughed again, and buried his face in his hands. "MULDER!" Her eyes were wide with curiosity. "Maybe they wanted to-" He told Scully what he was thinking, but really, it's awful and objectionable, so I really shouldn't tell you. You'd think less of me if I did. There was not a single unifying factor between the 11 group abductions. "Eleven isn't a good number," said Mulder later that day, as they sat at the Taco Del Mar. "They're going to strike again, go for twelve, maybe thirteen." Scully nodded, then gasped. Her jaw dropped like an anchor, and her eyes widened again, but not with curiosity. Her eyes widened with amazament as Alex Krycek and Marita Covarrubias emerged from the Taco Del Mar. She pointed at them without making a sound. Well, actually, that isn't true. She made a little "eep" sound, but Mulder didn't hear it and neither did anyone else, so it *seemed* as if she did it without making a sound. Covarrubias saw Scully immediately, and she was so shocked that she dropped her burrito on Krycek's shoe. He sighed. "Oh, *man*!" he whined, tilting his head to the side. Marita stared at Scully. Dana stared at Covarrubias. Krycek noticed Mulder and reached for his gun. In the park across the street, a pigeon exploded. Mulder screamed a girly scream and Scully cried, "QUEEQUEG!" Krycek seized the opportunity and lunged at Mulder. He lept over two tables and pushed several others out of the way, with the Taco Del Mar cashier on his heels. "Sir!" yelled the cashier. "Sir! You forgot your change!" Krycek came to an abrupt halt upon reaching Mulder (who was still slightly traumatized by the pigeon's death). But the taco boy wasn't nearly as alert as Krycek since he'd been smoking pot in between shifts. He rammed into Krycek, who, incidentally, was still holding his iced grande latte. (Lattes at an outdoor taco stand, you ask? Apparently, you've never been to Seattle.) The iced latte was catapulted into Mulder's face, and Krycek was hurled into Mulder's lap face-first. "This is becoming more like a dream every minute," said Mulder wryly. Covarrubias threw him a warning glance, and flipped her hair back. Scully flipped her hair back in return, but nobody saw. Just then, Mulder pulled out a pair of hancuffs and slapped them on Krycek's wrist, attatching Krycek to himself. Krycek immediately pulled out his *own* handcuffs and secured himself to Marita. Marita, in turn, grapped Scully and handcuffed *herself* to Scully. They made a hostile chain. The Taco Del Mar cashier said, "The Pride Parade was LAST Saturday, you know. But, I mean, it's ALWAYS pride day at Taco Del Mar. Also, we're always hiring." He nodded to emphasize the last point. "K.C.!" screamed his partner, "Get back here! I've got two venti frappucinos to make and there's a line out the door!" K.C. smiled at the chain-o-agents. "Gotta go. You kids have fun, alrighty?" He scurried back to the cashier's spot. As he entered the store, however, something strange happened. While Mulder and Scully and Krycek and Covarrubias were still moving, the rest of the world was still. Even the clouds sat in their places as if in a painting. Time, it seemed, had stopped. "Time has stopped!" exclaimed Krycek. "That's is impossible!" replied Marita, whipping her hair back. "No it's not," said Scully. "According to the general theory of relativity, time *can* be a local phenomenon. The fabric of space-time is malleable, as demonstrated by Einstien's Twin Paradox, which, by the way-" "Oh, shut the fu-" began Krycek, but that's when the beam of light struck them and *he* shut the fuck up himself. They all looked up in unison, and saw a large round ship with colored lights flashing incessantly hovering about 100 feet overhead. It was dark, but there was a round opening in the bottom through which the light escaped in a beam. A little humanoid head peered out, though they couldn't identify whether or not it was actually human. "Bonjour, mes amis! Entrez-vous, s'il vous-" it said. "WRONG CONTINENT!" yelled a voice from further in. "Ooops! Hello, my friends!" he said smoothly, and it sounded like he was smiling (they *can* hear you smiling). "Enter, please." They stared up at him. "How are we supposed to get up there?" asked Mulder. "Oh! Oh! Ooops! Oh, no- it's been a long day, I'm sorry, I forgot the ladder again." He lowered a ladder. "DID YOU FORGET THE LADDER-" yelled the voice, but the apparent alien interrupted. "No! No! Heh, heh, just thought I'd try it differently this time! Heh!" They climbed up the ladder awkwardly. "Ungh-THAT'S MY FOOT, YOU BASTARD!" "Mulder, it's me..." "Oh, sorry- OW!" "OW! Mulder, you BASTARD!" "MY HAIR!" screamed Covarrubias. "Oh, I'm sorry, Marita. Was that *your* hair?" said Scully. "MY FOOT! WHY ARE YOU GRABBING-" "Sorry! Sorry!" "Move faster, Mulder!" "Move slower, Krycek!" "Now, that wasn't and accident!" "*What* wasn't an accident?" "These handcuffs are really chafing my-" "If you don't hurry up, my head is going to ram into your ass-" "GET YOUR HEAD-" "This is not happening!" "MY HAIR! MY HAIR!" The alien blinked. Finally, they reached the top, where their clothes were dematerialized. "I'll bet you can't get *that* at Radio Shack," said Mulder, staring at the dematerializing box. On Earth, by the way, all of the electronic devices are gray and black and so on. But on Proximi Centauri, all of the electronic devices are striped electric blue and tangerine. Everybody blinked several times. *PART 2: "Anthropologist's log by Mofo Badass #10131121, aka Ad Rock" (What a coincidence, eh? Only this Ad Rock is a woman, not a man, and she's an anthropologist, not a Beastie Boy.)* Day 1: It's my very first study all by myself. I am kind of worried that I didn't get a normal family like the rest of the students, but if I complain I know the professor will accuse me of whining. He hates me anyway. Okay. Now it's time for buisness! Okay. I can do this. First of all, the humans had a normal but short-lived reaction to being naked. They were originally attatched with metal, which leads me to believe that they were a very close group indeed, but oddly enough their behavior points me in the other direction. Perhaps this is a new culture, where insidious glares represent complex love signals! A new culture! How exciting! Anyway, the dark haired one keeps staring at the blonde one and the red-haired one alternately, then at the brown haired one. I hope I'm getting the sexes right. They only have two here on Earth, and the blonde and the black haired one I think are the fem- no! no! it's the blonde and the red-head who are the males, and the other are the females. Or maybe it's the other way around. I forget. Since I know that humans like music, I have provided them with a loop recording that I got off their airwaves, beginning at 8:00 p.m. on their Friday night. It begins, "Welcome to the Eighties at eight!" and ends with, "I hope you don't mind that we played the Safety Dance twice, but we couldn't help ourselves!" I hope they like it. Right now, the redhead is glaring at the brown haired one. Using the translator for their verbal signals, I find that she (brown hair) says to him (red hair) "Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into!" The red-head man looks at his wife with a sneer. I am fairly sure that the red-head is a man, since he seems to be not only in control of that couple but smarter as well. The black haired one is sitting in a corner sulking. We offered him a small, enclosed room without windows or doors to himself since he seems to dislike the others, but that induced a screaming fit so we took him out of it. Apparently he is more attatched to them than we thought. DAY 2: Today was a fun day! The two men started to fight for their respective territories! Much hair pulling ensued, and the red-head finally won, yelling ferociously, "Get offa my side, you double-crossing slut!" The red-head's wife seemed to be in hysterical crying (or laughter, I can't tell) during the entire ceremony, and the blonde's wife still wouldn't talk to the rest of them except for a vehement "YEAH!" after the red-head did his victory cry. Afterwords, the red-head and his wife began to engage in elaborate foreplay. First, he glared at her and said, "We *had* to go to Seattle, didn't we? We *had* to eat at the Taco Del Mar." She replied, "Oh, everything's always *my* fault?" She stood up and started waving her hands around, and while most of her diatribe was untranslatable, I did make out the words "trust" and "truth." Perhaps she was trying to impress him with her knowledge of abstract concepts. The male tossed his hair over his shoulder and sneered again, yelling something about his sister. She then got in his face and yelled something about "the time...need to stay together...most..." Then he slapped her, as a sign that he was in control, I assume. She walked away, to continue the ceremony another day. The black haired female still remained silent. DAY 3: I feel so stupid. It's the RED AND BLONDE who are the females. I found out today because thoday was the day we gave them clothes, and I gave them all the wrong kind. I guess I'll have to rewrite days one and two. I feel so stupid. I'll never pass Earth 101, and if I don't pass Earth 101, I'll never get into a good college! If I don't get into a good college, I'll never get my own planet! And I just have to get my own planet! I just have to! I wish I were dead. DAY 4: Mom told me that when she was my age, she had her share of problems with Earth 101. She explained that it was because humans are so stupid and absurd and contradictory. "There is no "textbook" human," she said. But I swear, *these* humans are ABSOLUTELY CRAZY! Today, the black haired male (it's so weird to think of it as a male) finally spoke up. He started to talk to the brown haired one quietly as they sat very close. "I'm sorry," was his main point. Then he explained a whole bunch of things about the Oileans. I guess most humans don't know about the Oileans, which is kind of sad since the Oileans are setting up a takeover of Earth! Oh, well. At least then Earth 101 will be easier. Then the brown haired one started to cry! (At this point, Ad Rock put ten stars in her notebook, presumably to note for posterity the importance of Mulder crying.) The black haired one put his arm around the brown haired one, and stroked his hair. At ths point, the red haired one buried her face in her hands and groaned. The blonde one stared at the males. And they say you're lucky to get the non-reproductive ones the first time! The breeders always... well, breed! But on my first try, I got the non-breeders! I wish I'd recorded some Barbara Streisand for them. My mom said the non-breeder males LOVE that! DAY 5: Only three more days, including today! But what a day today was. I *thought* they weren't breeders, but guess what? Today, the brown haired one and the red haired one were hugging and they kissed! Kissing is *way* more than hair-rubbing! She kept laughing and talking, saying, "I've always admired you..." and he was just grinning. But the black haired one had no such luck. In fact, the blonde one wouldn't even look at him. HE said to her, "If anyone should be mad, *I* should be mad!" But she just glared at him and sat in a corner. Then he started to say some stuff in a language from the other continent, which translated into "My darling, Marita, my darling, I never meant to hurt you... comrade..." and that elicited a very good response. Her eyes widened. But she's good- she just stayed where she was, and replied in the same code, "Fuck off." DAY 6: Only one more day, and I feel kind of bad, because they're getting used to it. Today when I turned on the music: "REMEMBER MY NAME! I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER! I'M GONNA LEARN HOW TO FLY! FAAAAME!" The two women got up and started dancing around like performers. My whole class came and watched as the women twirled and lept like banshees. But it wasn't until I turned on the "We can dance if we want to. We can leave this world behind..." did the men get up to dance. And did they ever dance! They started disco dancing like mad with one another cheek to cheek, laughing and jumping around for 4 hours straight, after which they collectively had sex. I looked up the technical term for that and it's "orgy." So they *are* breeders... I guess... DAY 7: Today is the day we interview them and return them to their home planet. I went in to meet them, and of course they all looked very confused. I'm sure they expected me to look like the little gray guy who abducted them, not like a giant version of one of their kittens. And once they realized I was a giant kitten, I'm sure they thought I'd meow instead of speaking in English. But I don't! I asked them if they had learned anything. "Krycek is way bigger than I thought," said the brown haired one. "Scully is a really good dancer. I never would have guessed it. I mean, she's so boring otherwise," said the blonde. "BORING?" yelled the red haired one. Then I asked if they were excited to go home. "I don't know if 'excited' is the right word," said the black haired one. "I'm supposed to go assasinate someone, and I'm kind of dreading it." I asked them if they felt they'd been treated well. "The music sucked," said the redhead. "Don't be such a priss," said the blonde. "The food was good, but I could've handles some Barbara Streisand," said the brown haired one. (I *knew* it!) "And what did you put in the wine last night?" Is he talking about the LSD? Epilogue The humans were returned safely to Earth. Krycek did fine on his assassination. Mulder bought "The Mirror Has Two Faces" on *sale* at K-Mart and he was very pleased. Scully stuck a kick-me sign to Marita when they hugged good-bye. Ad Rock the giant kitten got an A- on her report and a B+ in the class. The invisible potion that allowed me to see this finally wore off while I was taking a shower in a fountain in one of the downtown skyscrapers' fountains, and I was *so* embarrased. The End |