Title: Uncle Mulder
Author: defiaureve
Author's Page: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/700957/
Category: X-Files
Genre: Humor/Romance
Written: 03/13/2005
Words: 3639
Rating: G
Disclaimer: The standard disclaimer applies. I own nothing but this story idea and what little sanity I have left. ;)

Summary: Mulder and Scully are off to Charlie Scully's wedding. In the process, Mulder gains a nephew when he's adopted by Bill's son Matthew. This may not start out so funny in the beginning, but stick with it, I promise its good for at least a grin. Review

"Come on, Mulder. You can't hide from Bill forever. Besides, he isn't going to try to kill you with so many people around." Scully added dryly as she pulled on her coat and moved back across the office to hand Mulder his overcoat.

"That doesn't make me feel any better. This is a family thing and I'm not family." Mulder protested as he put the finishing touches on a report and began to shut down his computer for the weekend.

"You," Scully said as she turned off his computer monitor, "were invited by Mom to come as my guest, as my boyfriend, and she's expecting you. Please?"

He sighed heavily. The 'please' was one word too many, and the look she was giving him broke what little resolve he had left. "Okay, but if he says one word . . ."

"He won't. If I know Mom, and I do know Mom, she warned him." Scully touched his arm, "Mom loves you almost as much as I do. She wants you there, and wants you to stay for the entire event. Most importantly, I want you there."

"Why Agent Scully . . .flattery will get you . . ."

"Mulder," she cautioned, flipping off the light and closing the door behind them.

"A very well behaved beau for the rest of this weekend."

"Dually noted. You will love Charlie. He is nothing like Bill, Charlie actually has a personality." Scully giggled at her own joke and began fishing in her coat pocket for her car keys. "I can't believe he's getting married this weekend."

"How come he's never around?"

"Work. He works a lot. And when he isn't working, he has obviously been dating. Charlie assures us that we will absolutely love his bride-to-be."

"Let's hope so, otherwise this will be a wedding for the record books."

"We'll go by your place first to get your bag and let you change. We'll stop at my apartment on the way to Mom's, and leave from there."

Mulder put his arm around Scully's waist as they walked to her car. "That sounds like a plan. And while you're getting ready to go, I can review a case or two so I'll have a well rehearsed excuse incase I need to duck out of there early."

"Oh no you don't," Dana Scully protested as an auburn eyebrow shot up and her lips pursed together. "You are staying for the entire weekend or come Monday you will be looking for a new girlfriend and a new partner."

"Yes ma'am," he muttered as he reached for the car keys and walked around to open the passenger door for her.

Scully smirked as she ducked into her car, watching Mulder walk around to her driver's seat. Times like these she wondered if he forgot that she knew how to drive, or if he felt his manhood was threatened when she drove. "Mulder, its no secret that you and Bill don't get along, but I'm not sure why, exactly."

"I don't really want to talk about it now, Scully."

"Why not? I won't get mad."

"You might, and you can't promise that you won't. We'll talk about it when we get back in town, okay?"

"No. I've brought this up a couple of other times and you keep putting it off. I know Bill has never been a member of the Fox Mulder fan club, but . . ."

"I have a fan club?" Mulder asked, hoping to change the subject, or at least make her laugh so she would forget what they were discussing.

"Don't change the subject."

"You're the one that brought it up. I'm stunned. Are you a member, Scully?"

"I said don't change the subject. You and Bill have never gotten along, and things were particularly touchy when everyone thought I was dying. And things have just gone down hill from there. Did something happen then that I don't know about?"

"Yeah, but can we discuss it later? Scully, I really don't want to get in to this right now."

"Sure, fine, whatever."

Mulder allows his head drop for just a moment and sighs. "Okay, we'll talk about it. Bill and I had a . . .disagreement in the hall. He blamed me for your cancer, for nearly getting you killed. Hell, I blamed myself, and still do, so I couldn't hate him for saying the very things I had said to myself. I think the reason Bill and I don't get along is because we both care about you so much, in different ways obviously, but we both would rather die than see anything happen to you."

"Bill is just a control freak, Mulder. He always has been, but I think you're right too. I had no idea about the thing in the hallway. I'm sorry, Mulder." Scully commented softly as reached over and placed her hand on his forearm. "Can you tell me what he said?"

"I can, but . . .let's just save time. I'm apparently one sorry son of a bitch. But he's right, so just leave it alone, 'kay?" Mulder pulled her car into a parking place, shut off the engine, and jumped out of the car.

Scully was no more than a step behind him until they got to the lobby of his apartment. She reached out and grabbed his upper arm, causing him to stop and turn to face her. "Mulder, he isn't right. Bill is . . .Bill is never right about you." The lobby was empty and Scully used their bit of privacy to her advantage. She stepped closer to Mulder, wrapping her arms around his neck. "You are not a son of a bitch, and you are anything but sorry." Scully punctuated her statement with a loving kiss before going on to Mulder's apartment to finish packing his bag.

"Hey Dana," Mulder asked, following behind her, still trying to recover from the kiss they had shared. "You think we've got time for you to show me just how sorry I'm not?"

"Later, we need to be at Mom's no later than ten."

"Dana!" Bill greeted as his sister walked through the door. "Mulder," he grumbled in greeting, through clenched teeth.

"Bill," Scully and Mulder said flatly. She reached out to hug her brother and Mulder waited off to the side.

Margaret Scully came rushing downstairs and pulled Mulder into a hug. "Fox! I'm so glad you both made it! How have you been?"

"Good, I've been good. Thanks for inviting me, Mrs. Scully."

"Oh, call me Mom." She shot her son a look, much like the one the younger female Scully used on Mulder that dared him to say one word in protest.

"Mom . . .how have you been?" Mulder tried, realizing that calling Mrs. Scully "Mom" wasn't as uncomfortable as he had imagined.

"Fine thanks. Would you mind giving me a hand?"

Mulder shrugged off his coat and hung it on the coat rack behind the door. "Sure."

"Great, I could use the muscle. I have a few bags upstairs that I need to load into the car so we can go ahead and leave first thing in the morning. Would you mind if I ride with you and Dana?"

"Not at all . . .Mom," Mulder said as he walked up the stairs, making sure Bill heard him.

Scully stepped back and glared at her brother. "Be nice to him, Bill. Mulder hasn't done anything to you, and he has my best interests at heart. If you ruin this weekend . . ."

"Aunt Dana! Aunt Dana!" The young boy squealed in delight as he ran toward his aunt, nearly knocking her over when he crashed into her legs.

"Matthew! Hi, sport, how have you been?"

"Great. Wanna see the new toy Grandma got me?"

"Sure." Scully looked back over her shoulder and shot her brother an I-mean-it look as her young nephew dragged her off into the living room.

Mulder entered a few minutes later to find Scully sitting on the floor, watching her nephew play with a shiny new fire truck, only hours old. "Well, looks like everything is ready to go in the morning." He announced as he sat down on the sofa.

"Good. Mulder, this is my nephew Matthew. Matthew, this is my . . .friend, Mulder."

"Mulder," the youngster repeated. "Hi, wanna play?"

"Uh, sure, okay." It had been ages since he had played with toy trucks and wasn't at all sure he still remembered how.

"You can be the spaceship. Aunt Dana's the ambulance 'cause she's a doctor. Are you aunt Dana's boyfriend?"

"Yeah," Mulder replied confidently.

"You gonna marry her?"

"Uhm . . ."

Scully jumped in to save Mulder from having to answer such a life-altering question. "Not for a long, long time, if ever." She reasoned and gave Mulder a quick wink.

"Oh. Have you two kissed? Kissin's gross."

"Where do you come up with this stuff?" Scully asked, amazed that her young nephew was so informed at his age.

"Around," he answered smugly.

"Well, Mr. Around, enough. Honestly." Scully shook her head and started pushing her toy ambulance around on the carpet.

"Can I call you uncle Mulder?" Matthew asked as he crashed his fire engine into Mulder's idle spaceship.

"I don't . . ."

"I don't see why not," Scully responded. Secretly hoping she was around the first time her brother heard that.

"Daddy said that if ya kiss a girl you gotta marry her. 'Cept if she's like your sister or somethin'. So if ya kiss my aunt Dana, you gotta marry her 'cause when ya kiss her she gets pregnant, and only married people should have babies." Scully and Mulder sat in stunned silence, neither sure how to respond to her nephew's lecture on the evils of kissing.

After a long pause, Scully asked, "your daddy told you that, huh?"

"Yep. And Daddy is always right."

"Oh brother," Scully mumbled, almost inaudibly. "I'm going to check on Mom, see if I can help with anything." She patted Mulder's shoulder, as she brushed past, wishing him good luck.

"Matthew! Matthew, come on sweetie, its time for your bath!" Tara Scully called down the stairs after her son.

Thank God, Mulder thought as the boy dropped his toy and rushed upstairs. "'Night, uncle Mulder. See ya tomorrow!"

"Goodnight, Matthew." Mulder gathered up the discarded toys and put them in a basket nearby, filled with toys that had long ago lost the boy's interest. He followed Scully's voice through the house until he got to the kitchen, where she and her mother were talking over a cup of coffee.

." . .So Matthew looks at both of us matter-of-factly, goes back to playing with his cars, and explains that if Mulder has kissed me, we will have to get married." Scully burst out with a rarely heard laugh and her mother soon joined.

"They are so precious at this age," Maggie Scully excused for her young grandson.

"Yeah, they sure are." Mulder chimed in, startling Scully. He grinned in triumph.

"Here, sit down. I'll get you a cup of coffee." Scully motioned to a chair next to her and jumped up to get his coffee. "Did Matthew go to bed already?"

"A bath, I think. His mom called for him right after you left us alone. So, is Matthew's logic correct?"

"No, I don't think so, Mulder," Scully quickly objected.

Maggie Scully grinned and looked at her daughter and Mulder. "I don't know, Dana. If Fox is asking . . ."


"No, I wasn't asking. I was just . . .just being me. I wasn't proposing. We haven't even kissed, I swear."

"Mulder!" Scully couldn't believe what she was hearing. She knew he was just being Mulder, but wished he would be a little less like himself until her family was wise to his brand of humor.

"Not that Dana hasn't tried, unmercifully, but I've stood firm. No kissing until there is a ring on this finger." Mulder held up his left hand and gestured to his ring finger.

Scully's first reaction was to protest like a child with 'that's not true and you know it!' But went with a stern "Mulder," and a look that promised if he kept going he would be sleeping alone for the next year.

Maggie Scully laughed at Mulder's teasing and her daughter's response. "The kids' father used to tease me like that. He would make up these stories, or tell of an actual event but pinned everything on me. There were times I wanted to ring his neck, and would have if I hadn't loved him so. Well, it's getting late and we have an early morning ahead of us. You kids have a good night and don't stay up too late."

"Goodnight, Mom. I'll see you in the morning."

Mulder walked up to Scully and presented her with a glass of champagne. "I've got to say I'm having a pretty good time, this being a wedding and all."

"If its one thing Scullys know how to do, its throw a party. I'd ask you to dance but . . ."

"But? We can dance, unless you're afraid of a dance leading to a kiss, leading to a baby, leading to a shotgun wedding."

"I'm afraid of no such thing. Come on." She grabbed his hand and led him onto the dance floor. The slow song finished quickly and moved on to something a little more upbeat. "Uh, wanna sit this one out?"

"Nah, but if they bring out the chicken dance, I'm outta here." Scully giggled and they continued to dance. "I still haven't met Charlie yet. I saw him at the ceremony, and here, but to actually meet . . .are you sure this guy is really a Scully?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll introduce you next time I see him."

Another slow song began to play, Celine Dion's The Power of Love, and Mulder pulled Scully close to him. "I think when this song is over," he whispered into her ear, "you and I should find a quiet corner somewhere and practice Matthew's baby making logic."

"You are having way too much fun with that innocent lecture, do you know that?"

"Probably. You wanna arrest me?"

Scully stepped back long enough to look at him with a smirk, then moved back into his arms. "I'm not going to answer that for fear that somewhere in that question lies a double meaning."

The song ended all too quickly and a familiar, popular party tune began to play. "Chicken dance, I'm definitely sitting this one out!" Mulder announced as he grabbed Scully's hand and led her off the dance floor. They walked over to a quiet corner and Mulder pulled Scully into his arms. "Man, I haven't done this in . . .well, I've never done this."

"Done what?"

"Made out with a beautiful woman during the chicken dance song." Before she had a chance to react, Mulder captured her lips with his. A moment later they heard the gasps and giggle of children and quickly broke apart. They saw Matthew and another boy about his age running off. "Oh brother," Mulder mumbled.

"Oh, it's all right. Come on, let's go get something to drink."

A distant cousin stopped Scully and Mulder gestured that he would go get their drinks and return shortly. When he arrived at the abandoned bar, Bill Scully marched up to him. "You son of a bitch," he greeted.

"Now what did I do?"

"What did you do? You sick bastard! You got my sister pregnant and you are asking what you did?"

"Wha . . .I did not. I'm not sure where you get your information from, but Dana is certainly not pregnant. And if she were, I don't see how it would be any of your business until she told you."

Bill ran a hand through his hair and balled his other hand into a fist as his side. "I should throw you back to Washington, do you know that? I promised my mother that I'd be nice to you this weekend and then I hear that you . . .of all people, YOU get my sister pregnant."

"I don't think this is the time or place to discuss this. Actually, there isn't anything to discuss. Dana isn't pregnant so you might want to double check your source."

"My son doesn't lie!" Bill thundered.

"Then your son is misinformed," Mulder countered. "I don't know where he heard what he told you, but it would seem that he's picked up a piece of false information."

Matthew ran over to his mother who was talking to a group of women, including his grandmother and aunt Dana. "Mommy?" He tugged at his mother's shirtsleeve, "Mommy!" When she didn't answer his second request for attention he climbed up on a chair, then onto a table, and said "Mommy, Daddy called uncle Mulder a sick bastard! What's that mean?"

"Oh God," Scully muttered and rushed against the gathering crowd toward the bar where Bill and Mulder were arguing.

"Matthew William Scully, you don't use language like that," Tara said sternly.

"But Daddy said it."

"I don't care what your daddy said. You don't use that kind of language."

"I'm sorry, Mommy, but what's it mean? Is it bad?"

"Yes, Matthew, it's very bad. Now don't ever let me hear you say that again."

"Yes ma'am."

"Bill, what the hell are you doing?" Scully hissed as she approached the two men and stood in front of Mulder.

"I'm having a discussion with this . . .this . . .with Mulder."

"Yeah, I heard part of your discussion thanks to Matthew. What is this all about?"

Bill looked at his sister in disbelief, glared at Mulder, and turned his attention back to his sister. "You should know, Dana."

Scully turned to Mulder hoping for a hint. When she didn't come up with anything she tried again with her brother. "Well obviously I don't know, so you tell me."

"God, Dana, don't play dumb. Matthew told me that you're pregnant. I was just discussing that with Mulder."

"Congratulations don't often involve calling someone a sick bastard. Besides the fact that it isn't even true. I'm not pregnant, Bill. I'm not now and I don't think there is any chance of that happening in the future. Mulder and I were kissing over there somewhere and Matthew saw us."

"Yeah," Matthew chimed in. "An' you told me that when a man kisses a woman they've gotta get married 'cause the woman's gonna have a baby."

Maggie Scully joined them to see what all the commotion was about. "What's going on here?"

"Aunt Dana and uncle Mulder are gonna have a baby," Matthew proudly informed.

"What? Dana, is this true?"

"No, Mom, it isn't. Matthew caught us kissing and since his father told him that story about kissing causing pregnancy, he thinks that Mulder and I are going to have a baby. Which we aren't, so please stop telling people that, okay Matthew?"

"But Daddy said that's how babies happen. An' when I saw you kissin' uncle Mulder . . ."

"That man is not your uncle." Bill interjected. "And you and I are going to have to have a long talk when we get home later. I need to tell you the whole story about where babies come from."

"Does it have anything to do with kissin'?"

"A little, but that isn't the whole story."

"Bill, I think you owe Fox an apology, then your sister, and then the rest of the guests here. Not to mention your brother and his new wife for nearly ruining their wedding reception."

"Dana . . .Mulder, I'm sorry. I over reacted to a piece of information that I took as fact from a child. Next time I'll be sure to get all the facts before reacting."

Matthew scratched his head and furrowed his brow. "So uncle Mulder and aunt Dana aren't gonna have a baby?"

"No, we're not." Dana responded quickly, and matter-of-factly.

"Oh. And who's Fox?"

Mulder rolled his eyes almost imperceptibly. "I am, but you can call me Mulder, 'kay?"

"'Kay. An' I won't even tell anybody you've got a funny first name like Fox."

"Thanks, I feel a lot better," Mulder muttered as the boy ran off to play with a group of kids across the room. Bill mumbled some excuse as he walked away and Maggie insisted that she get back to the guests. Alone again, Mulder wrapped his arm around Scully's waist. "Scully?"


"Promise me if we should ever have a child, or if you should ever have a child and I'm still around in any capacity, you won't lie to them about where babies come from. And that you won't ever, ever tell them my first name is Fox."


He squeezed her quickly as they stepped onto the dance floor for another dance or two. This was truly a weekend Mulder would never forget.

The End.

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