Title: Going Thru The Motions
Author: Marlen
Written: June 2000
Category: Requiem post-ep
Rating: NC-17 (a little smut for roughage)
Classification: SRA Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance, Scully angst, post-ep
Spoiler Warning: Requiem post-ep
Disclaimer: All characters of The X-Files are the property of Chris Carter, FOX and 1013 Productions. No copyright infringement intended This is only for fun, not profit.
Archive: I will submit to Gossamer and Ephemeral myself Otherwise, go right ahead! Just please let me know where.

Summary: Shortly after Mulder's abduction, Scully's coping the best way she can.

 


I awake to the irritating sound of my alarm and slam the snooze button yet again. I just lay there in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking

My mind continuously racing.

My days are now filled with a new quest, my quest, to find Mulder Whether or not The X- Files remained open was not a factor for me I am determined to find him with or without support of the FBI I know they tried to persuade Skinner to change his report regarding the night Mulder was taken

He never wavered

Mulder would be proud.

Despite the threats of closure, they kept The X-Files open I suspect it's partly due to Skinner's report and his insistence of how vital they stay open Skinner's just as determined as I am to finding Mulder I've always had my doubts as to who his alliance was with However, seeing his reaction when he told me he lost Mulder and telling me that he could not deny what he saw, I know I have an ally not an enemy.

Krycek and Marita are another story altogether I had a feeling that they knew more than they let on After being discharged from the hospital, I went in search of them to find out what else they knew

They were nowhere to be found.

I even went back to Bellefleur in search of any possible clues no matter how trivial it might be.

There were none.

Frohike, Byers and Langly are working at a feverish pace, trying to find something ... anything on the UFO and where, if on this earth, it might be

As of yet, nothing.

They're also monitoring all hospitals and emergency frequencies for anyone matching Mulder's description

Dead or alive

As Mulder has done for me, I will go to the ends of the Earth to find him However, unlike him, I have no solid leads to go on I also have someone else to consider now

It's not just about me anymore.

Flying around the country following any minor lead coming my way is not only time-consuming but exhausting as well I can get a lot more accomplished by staying here in DC

There has been an average of three John Doe's a week to check out since Mulder's disappearance If the John Doe's is D.O.A., then I have the Medical Examiner FedEx me the Forensics report If it's a case of missing identity and the person is unresponsive, then I speak to the doctor in charge of his care and verify via phone whether or not it could be Mulder

If there is any doubt in my mind, I personally check it out.


My mind doesn't even pause for sleep.

My nights are no longer filled with restful slumber They are instead filled with all consuming nightmares.

The one I just woke up from wasn't much different than the others I've had. They are usually filled with all of the pain and suffering I imagine Mulder must be going through I can see them performing a multitude of tests on him Like they did to me and all of the other abductees.

I see him laying on a cold, steel table He's naked and alone I instantly think *he must be cold*. Of course, they wouldn't have the decency to cover him up, would they? He looks almost at peace laying there as if he's in a deep sleep Then all of a sudden, his eyes snap open and those beautiful hazel orbs are staring straight into me as if he can see into my soul At that moment the silence is shattered by a deafening scream

His scream

He screams the same thing over and over again. 'sCULLY, HELP ME!' 'sCULLY, HELP ME! 'sCULLY, HELP ME!' And then he screams 'YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN!' I wake up with a jolt, breathing heavily and it's then I realize the tears rolling down my face.

I'm not too shocked by this I'm actually used to the nightmares now In a weird way, they're somewhat comforting to me, because it's the only time I see him


I turn my stare away from the ceiling and look at the clock on my nightstand. "Damn" I mutter, *if I don't get out of bed now I'll be late for work.*

I don't really care if I am, but I have to stick to the daily routine I've established It keeps the annoying, stupid questions and comments from other Agents to a minimum If I'm ever late for a meeting or decide to leave work early to follow a lead, well then, something must be wrong and then the questions begin

The most common ones are 'Are you okay Agent Scully?' and 'Is there anything I can do for you Agent Scully?' every once in a while I'll get 'Agent Scully I know what you must be going through because I lost someone very close to me' They may be genuinely sincere, but it sounds like a come on line from men and like pity from women

I'm also starting to really hate the sound of my name I immediately start to cringe internally when I hear it There's only one voice I care to hear it from and he's not here.

With the exception of Skinner, the Gunmen and of course my OBGYN, no one knows about my pregnancy I can only imagine how much worse the gossip at work will get when I start showing.

Is this what Mulder had to go through when I was missing? He wouldn't talk to me about it when I asked him shortly after I was released from the hospital He just shrugged it off by saying "It doesn't matter, what's important is that you're here now!" His eyes were pleading me not to continue this line of questioning, so I dropped it for the time being But I couldn't get it out of my mind I needed to know When I couldn't get anything from Mulder I asked my mother what had occurred She told me how crazed and lost he seemed and that he made a promise to her that he would never stop looking until he found me. I silently make that same promise to our unborn child

The pain of not knowing is sometimes too great to bear It is then that I realize the suffering that he must've had to endure from not knowing what had happened to his sister for all of those years

*I could never give up on you Mulder.*


I get up and start fixing my bed when the nausea hits me like a bullet and I run towards the bathroom and make it to the toilet just in time I spend so much of my time in the ladies room, just looking at one makes me want to throw up immediately!

I look down to make sure I didn't get any vomit on Mulder's Knicks jersey I now wear as a nightshirt I borrowed it shortly after his disappearance, when I came to his apartment to feed his fish and clean up a little. I don't want him coming back to a messy apartment

I take a chance and open the refrigerator and what I see puts a smirk on my face Typical Mulder leaving what used to be some Chinese take-out still in its containers, some left over pizza, and some expired orange juice ready to take off on its own if there any longer.

I empty the fridge of anything not edible, which doesn't leave much of anything and feed his fish.

I decided to go through Mulder's mail I threw away any junk mail and kept his bills to go over later I haven't a clue as to how to pay all of his bills if he doesn't come back soon I push that thought aside for the time being

*He will come back.*

I shake the thoughts out of my head and look around the room I couldn't just leave his clothes carelessly thrown on the floor in heaps waiting for their owner to decide if it's time to wash them or if they're good for one more wear I chuckle at that thought *Men!* I start picking up his jeans, a pair of sweats and some shirts up off the floor and put them in the hamper I see the suit he was wearing the day he left for Oregon, laying on the bed I pick it up and place it next to my coat *I can at least get it dry cleaned for him* and then I see it On his computer chair was his old and very worn Knicks jersey I pick it up noticing the softness of it and it is then that I smell it His smell. The mix of cologne from the workday and sweat from playing hoops with his basketball buddies created a scent all of its own I bring the fabric up to my nose, close my eyes and breathe in his musky scent.

And then all of the sudden it hits me. *What if I never get to look into those beautiful puppy dog eyes, feel his strong body against mine and hear the seductive soft tones of his voice when he's making one of those leering remarks he thinks I don't like but in reality turns me on Even the simple act of touching his hand sends a surge of emotions through me What if I never get the chance smell his scent ever again?*

With those thoughts, my world came crashing down on me I break down and do what my mother suggested when she found out about Fox's disappearance Cry I didn't cry for long though, I wouldn't allow it I needed to be strong and in control I put myself back together, got up and left taking the jersey with me so that I could have a little bit of the illusion that he's not gone but there with me if only for a brief moment.


I step into the shower and close my eyes welcoming the hot sprays of water cascading down my body and I try to remember the last time we were in here ...

It was a Saturday and we were in between cases. So we slept in for a change I woke up first and was trying to push myself off the bed untangling my body from his when an arm snaked around my waist and pulled me back into the bed catching me by surprise.

"Oh no you don't" he says in voice drunk with sleep but sexy as hell.

"Mulder ... " I say warning him, aggravated by his audacity, but before I could finish my thought he peppers my shoulder and back with hot sweet kisses How the hell can I be angry at him while he's doing that?

"What?"

"This is the second time you've done that this morning!" I say through a fit of laughter Doesn't he know I'm ticklish there?

"Your point being?" chuckling as well.

"It's already noon. Are you planning to stay in bed all day?"

"As a matter of fact, yes Yes I am!" I'm picturing him raising his eyebrows in a come hither look and with a shit eating grin I'm sure he's possessing at the moment It makes me want to smack that grin right off his face.

"Well you can do as you please, but I for one am going to take a long awaited hot shower."

"I like my plan better," he says, not letting go of my waist and then turning me so we are face to face Yup! There's that grin!

"How about if we compromise."

"What do you have in mind Agent Scully?" He says as he starts nuzzling my neck I know what he's doing He's trying to make me forget Well, I won't give in, this time.

"How about you join me?" He seems to be considering this, so I push it in my favor by saying "I might even let you wash me?" I say in a seductive tone I know he can't resist.

"Well, when you put it that way I don't know how I can refuse."

He jumps off the bed like a bolt of lightning taking me with him.

We're in the shower and he grabs the wash cloth out of my hand "allow me" he says and picks a lavender scented shower gel pending my approving nod Our eyes lock as he pours a small amount of gel onto the sponge and works up a lather He starts with my legs, hips then stomach He then moves behind me and I close my eyes anticipating what's next and then he pauses as if he's thinking about what his next move should be Apparently it was to wash my back And I sigh disapproving the move Evidently he hears this because he responds by tossing the wash cloth over his shoulder and starts caressing my breasts with his hands and starts nuzzling my neck 'Ah, much better!' He feels the peaks of my breasts harden with the contact and he rubs his cock up against my lower back showing me just how excited he is.

I like to play fair.

I take that moment to turn around and pour some of the gel onto my hands and start washing him I begin at his shoulders and work my way down his toned chest, strong back, and firm ass I lower myself as I work my way down one leg and then the other I look up at him and his eyes are closed and there's a hint of a smile on his lips, he knows what's coming next.

I smile a devilish grin, swoop down and engulf his throbbing cock While I'm moving in and out with my mouth, one hand is pumping him up and down and the other massaging his balls

I'm so involved with what I'm doing I don't hear him calling my name telling me to stop.

"Scully ... you've ... got to stop" he says a second time in a strained voice and then I stop when he bends down and grabs me by the shoulders, pulling me up

I start to protest, but when I look up and see him looking back at me, I'm suddenly paralyzed by the look of raw emotion engulfing me it's not like I haven't seen it before, but it still shocks me everytime I see it It's the look of pure love He loves me.

He notices the look of shock I must have on my face before I look away and says "What is it?" Thinking something's wrong.

"Nothing ... its just ... I love you so much!" I finally spit out It's not the first time I said that, but he knows how difficult it is for me to open up like that.

He grins at me and says, "I love you too." He cups my face with his hands and our eyes lock once again With a swiftness that startles me, his face changes from complete bliss to total seriousness "Don't ever doubt that!" I notice his eyes are burning with desire, he leans down and kisses me His kisses are deep and penetrating I feel like he's devouring me whole and then ...


I'm taken out of my reverie by the chill of the water. *Damn, that was a good daydream too!* I get out of the shower and wrap my white terry robe around me and then just like that I'm on automatic pilot Putting on my make-up just so and fixing my hair the way I always do

I leave the bathroom and walk over to my closet for something to wear It's not a terribly difficult decision for me I haven't started showing yet so I'm not too concerned about what to do when they don't fit me anymore I'll worry about that later The only choices to be made at the moment is whether I want to wear slacks or skirt and what color top do I put on today.

I made it that simple for two reasons One, well, lets face the facts, if I have to go out of town on a case at a moments notice I don't want to be standing around my closet deciding on what to wear I really don't have that kind of time to waste I just want to pack and go The other reason is harder to explain.

I use it as a shield to protect myself from my own emotions I have to be strong and in control I will not allow myself to fall apart at the seams I am of no use to Mulder and this baby if I let myself become weak and vulnerable in front of others This would open myself up to making stupid mistakes I cannot afford to do Time is of the essence now I reserve any weakness for when I am home alone Where no one can see my walls crumble into dust.


After I dress, I head over to the kitchen I can't have any caffeine I must suffer the indignity of drinking decaf coffee and tea, adding to my grumpiness in the mornings

I take my pre-natal vitamins and have some toast, but wonder if I shouldn't bother I can't seem to keep anything down and as a result I've been losing weight The doctor says it's normal in the first trimester and that my appetite will soon increase I wonder what Mulder would think of this? Would he try to find ways of getting me to eat by buying me my favorite foods? Tempting me with real ice cream instead of non-fat tofutti dreamsicles? There's no one to run out to the store and satisfy my cravings, I have to do that on my own.

I make sure I have my cell phone, Sig, and keys before leaving the cocoon of my home and face the world.

I make it to the J. Edgar Hoover building and make my way to AD Skinner's office like I do every morning to see if he has anything new.

He doesn't.

Instead of any new information on Mulder, he informs me that I will be getting a new partner I finch at the words 'new partner' With a look of compassion, he insists that it is only temporary and that things will go back to the way they were when Mulder returns He would also like for me to assist in interviewing possible candidates We wouldn't want another Krycek on our hands One is enough.

I make my way down to the basement thankful that no one has gotten in my way I stop at Mulder's desk, which I claim as mine for the time being and look at his nameplate I pick it up and brush my hand across the embedded letters 'FOX MULDER' *Where are you?*

I place my hand on my abdomen and think about the unbelievable miracle inside of me.

*Do you know how much I need you?*

I pray that he'll be returned to me unharmed. Of course, I know he won't be the same.

I wasn't.

end


Author Notes: So how did I do? I know that this is like the millionth Requiem post-ep, but like everyone else, I had to get it out before I burst a gut This is my first attempt at a story length fanfic Sorry for cutting off the Smut so soon, I'm such a tease I want to thank my betas Georgia and Brandi taking the time to look at my work and making terrific suggestions.


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