Ho-kay, this here's one more romance, so if you don't go in for that stuff just abort. The first section is just pretty much setup, and if you don't know who Erin and Mike Mulder are, there's a little explanation(Erin's adopted, BTW, courtesy of (Fox)Mulder, which is why he wants to repay him...if you're still confused, read Debut.)

You don't have to have read Debut, but for those of you who have, just cut out the romance and that's the precedent for this story.

Like I said, this section is just setup, a little dull, but you do need to know some of this stuff.

I. Matchmakers

Mulder grabbed a full tray of food and served it up to the gentlemen waiting in the diner. He headed towards the back, where people were waiting to order. Not exactly what he wanted to do at the beginning of his week off.

"Hi, can I take you ord...oh, jeez." He stared down at the faces of Dana and Margaret Scully.

"Mulder? What are you doing here?"

He had to remember to kill himself later.

"Would you believe I'm padding my resume?" bad enough that he was waiting tables; his uncle owned the grill, but when he was short handed everyone pitched in. His cousin Erin was in the kitchen, doing dishes... "I had to fill in for someone. What are *you* doing here?"

"We were going to stop by for dinner and say hi. Nice tie." Scully tried not to laugh. "Okay, I want the chef salad, with the dressing on it, but only if it's fresh, if it's not, put it on the side, but if it's nonfat a little on and the rest on the side-" she broke off as he threatened to hit her with his tray.

"Yeah, I've seen it before. What do you really want?"

Margaret Scully spoke up. "How about two hamburgers?"

"Much better." He growled, glaring with mock anger at Dana. Making a note of it, he walked off. Erin caught him as he entered the kitchen.

"New shift finally made it in. You're off for the night."

"Not soon enough. I just took dinner orders from Scully and her mother."

She laughed. "Have fun explaining yourself."

"You want to come help?"

"Nope, date tonight."

"Remember, if he tries anything-"

"I know, you have the entire violent crimes section on his case and after his ass so fast he'll never know what hit him."

He hugged her. "That's right. You still on for tomorrow?"

"Yup. See you later." She pulled off her apron and walked out the back door, humming. Mulder sighed and pulled off the ridiculous red tie the waiters had to wear. He shrugged into his suit coat and left the kitchen, heading for the corner booth.

"Back so soon? Where's the beef?" Scully smiled.

*I'd walk a million miles/for one of your smiles*

He grimaced. "The new shift got here. I'm off. Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all." Margaret Scully spoke up, moving over so that he could slide in next to Dana.

*Bless you, Margaret.*

"Where's Melissa?"

"She was coming, but she said her aura wasn't right for it." Scully gave him a sardonic look.

"Where's Erin?"

He shrugged. "She's got a date tonight."

"Lucky girl." She sipped her water, eyes sparkling.

"Luckier than her cousin."

"No dates? I thought with that tie, girls would be flocking to you."

"Nope, but if you like it-" he took it out of his pocket. "Please. It's a wonder they haven't been outlawed." She rolled her eyes.

Margaret checked her watch. "Oh, hon, I told you I wouldn't have time to eat, I've got that appointment to see some friends...forgive me, Fox, I'd have loved to stay and talk." She slid out of the booth, apologising.

Once she was gone, they exchanged looks. "Is it just me, or was that an exit line if I ever heard one?" Mulder mused. Before Scully could answer, the food arrived. Mulder dug in to Margaret's burger, winking at Scully.

At one point sometime in the next hour, Michael Mulder looked out, saw his nephew smile, lean in and murmur something to a drop-dead redhead, who laughed. He shook his head. "The boy has a problem." He waved at Dana, and having no further time to spend on it, went back to work.

Eventually, dinner finished, Scully said she had to go. He walked her out to her car; waved, reminded her to call if anthing came up. She reminded him she had the week off too.

"Hell, call me anyway. You know I can't keep my nose out of your life."

She gave him an odd look, and drove off.

He walked the few blocks to Mike's apartment, where he was staying. It was easier than the forty-minute drive from DC. After letting himself in, he flopped on the couch.

Erin came in about nine-thirty. He switched off the B-grade horror movie he was watching. "Hey. How'd the date go?"

She made a face. "Okay."

"Only okay? Sit...spill." Mulder gestured to the couch. She instead sat on his lap, still small enough at fifteen to fit. She was almost like a little girl, almost like Sa- he changed gears, wrapping the blanket he was sitting on around her, tangling himself in the process. "So," he said. "Bad movie? Bad food?"

"Nothing was bad, really, just...nothing was great. How was your date?"

He looked at her in surprise. "I didn't have a date tonight."

"Yes you did. I saw you in the corner booth with Dana."

Fox tightened the blanket in annoyance. "I had dinner. That's not a date."

"Whatever, Fox." She snuggled into the blanket and closed her eyes. "Umm...how did you and her meet?"

"We met when she was assigned to help me with the X-Files." *okay, maybe help isn't the right word. Who cares now?* "Why?"

"Dunno. Just curious." She sniffed sleepily, then relaxed. After a while, he picked her up, carrying her in the blanket to her room. After setting her on the bed, making sure the covers wouldn't strangle her, he sighed. She looked so much like Samantha.

Mike came in about an hour later. Fox was lying on the couch, watching The Commish.

Mike liked Fox; although he was his uncle, he was only a few years older than him, more like a big brother. So he'd been happy to let him come down during Erin's spring break for a visit.

At the same time, though, he worried. And most of those worries were centered around a certain female FBI agent he knew. Time for that in a minute.

"Hey, Fox. Erin home?"

He waved the remote control at her door. "Home and sound asleep."

"Good, because I think we need to talk."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Not yet." Mike switched topics, giving the younger man a sly grin. "Saw you talking with the loose redhead tonight."

"Yeah, she sends her regards too. Mike...does she have something to do with this?"

"Just about everything. Fox...you...like her, don't you?"

"Yes, I do. As a friend and a partner."

"I think you know what I mean." His greenish eyes caught a pair of hazel ones.

He hesitated for a minute. "Chirst, Mike, is it that obvious?"

"Only to people who know you well. But if you're only flirting-" Mike frowned. "Stop it. Now. Because it can only lead to trouble."

"And you're saying...?"

"Do you love her? Or is she another body?" he saw Fox wince at the words.

Then he stood, slamming a fist into his palm. "Dammit, Mike, I do. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it."

Mike gave him a look full of sympathy. "Can't help you on this one, Fox. I'm calling it a night."

Listening from behind her door, Erin smiled to herself. Here was the perfect way to thank Fox for all he'd done for her...

Scully rolled over and picked up the phone, which was definetely keeping her from a really good dream. "Hello?"

"Dana, it's Erin. How are you?"

"Erin, I'm tired. Do you know what time it is?"

"Sorry, but I didn't get the chance to call you last night."

"It's seven thirty in the morning on a Sunday, on a week off. What could be so important?"

"Well...Fox and I were going to this SciFi convention at the coleseum. I was wondering if Melissa wanted to come, and Fox said you might enjoy it, so..."

*He said _what_?* "Sure, I'd love to. I'll call Melissa and meet you there."

"No, I'll call her. Just wanted to ask you first."

"Fine. I'm going back to sleep now, Erin. I'll meet you there at ten."

"Bye!"

Erin clicked the cradle until she heard a dial tone, and dialled Melissa's number.

"Hi, Erin!" she picked up.

"Don't *do* that, Melissa!"

"Sorry."

"S'awright. Anyway, I've got to tell you something, you won't believe this..."

They met outside the coleseum gate at ten. Mulder, waving aside offers from Scully and Melissa to pay their own way, moved them all towards a side door, muttering something about show biz contacts.

Once inside, they wandered around, looking through gift stalls and displays. Erin and Melissa exchanged smug looks, walking in front of the older two.

Erin turned around. "Fox, Melissa promised to take me birthday shopping for you. Can I go with her?"

He shrugged. "Sure. Meet at the front gate for lunch."

She ran off, Melissa in tow, and was quickly lost in the crowd.

Mulder stood for a few seconds, thinking. "I'm going to have to kill her."

Scully looked at him, alarmed. "You're not serious."

"No, of course not. But isn't it a little obvious what they're doing?"

"Setting us up? That's nothing new. Melissa's been trying for months. Remember, at the psychic fair?"

"Ah, but Erin's put a whole new spin on things." He smiled.

"So...what do we do?"

He raised his eyebrows. "We get even. How would you like to fall in love for a week?"

She glared at him. "That's *sick*. But...I think I could do it."

"Great. Here's what we do..."

When they met for lunch, Erin could barely contain her glee.

"D'you see that?"

Melissa nodded. "Now we just let nature take it's course."

Fox and Dana were walking towards them, holding hands. He wore what he hoped was a shy, slightly embarrassed grin. It was all Dana could do not to laugh at the look on Melissa's face.

Four days later, Mulder was checking his tie in the mirror. He could see Mike and Erin out of the corner of his eye, watching him. He gave his hair a last swipe and turned, noticed that they were instantly engrossed in a newspaper and a book.

Erin looked up lazily as he walked out. "Snazzy suit. Where you going tonight?"

"Just to visit some old academy friends."

"Dana going?"

*Oh, subtle, Erin.*

" Yes."

"But you aren't in the same class." Mike didn't look up from his paper.

"Well, they're friends of mine..."

He gave him and I-don't-believe-you-but-I'll-humor-you-anyway look and returned to the Times.

He bounded down the stairs, perfectly timing it with Scully's arrival in the car.

"So, how did it go?"

"Erin's too gullible. Melissa?"

"She's worse. This is going to be fun to explain to mom."

"Ah, but that's the fun of it. Speaking of which-I found this." He pulled a small box out of his pocket and handed it to her.

"A ring?"

"Open it."

She did, gasping as the lights from a streetlamp caught the gold, turning it slightly red. "Jesus, Mulder."

"I though you might say that." He grinned. "Mike invited your mother and sister over for dinner Saturday night. Care to shock them a little more?"

"It's their fault for being so gullible."

"Hey, they want to believe."

Mulder saw to it that the first thing Michael saw as he got out of the car was a very un-partnerlike hug. He almost had to laugh.

It was working like a charm.

He loved it.

For a man who lived in a world of unusual phenomena, UFO's, and government conspiracies, a play-acted romance fit perfectly. Especially when it was with *her*.

And besides, he got to do thins with her, just like they would if they were really...He put *that* thought away, forbbiden fruit.

Scully remembered the hug and laughed to herself as she drove away.

Michael Mulder hummed happily to himself as he oversaw the opening of his restaraunt for the afternoon. He left the frantic assistant manager in charge and went home to cook a gourmet meal for the Scullys.

He was happy for Fox-he didn't know what they were doing, but he was damnsure that when Fox came in at eleven, smiling like an idiot, with Dana's perfume in his hair, that they hadn't been visiting old FBI academy friends. Maybe he just...gotten over the block he saw.

Whatever was going on, Fox was doing a good job of hiding it.

Which is why he'd invited Dana and her family to dinner. He wanted to see them interact up close, and Fox might get suspicious if he invited just Dana. Besides, her sister wasn't any pain on the eyes.

Humming from the other room....Erin, humming 'It had to be you' as she fixed her hair, standing next to Fox while he shaved.

Melissa and Margaret exchanged looks of amusement. Dana brushed the last dullness out of her hair as she walked out, smiling. "Ready to go?"

Hre mother hid a look of amusement. "We've been waiting on you, dear. I thought it was just a casual dinner."

"Is that any reason not to look nice?" she demanded.

"No ma'am. None at all." Her sister touched hte crystal at her throat.

There was a sort of quiet tension during dinner. A...watchfulness.

Fox was aware that all eyes were on him or Dana at any given time, and he played it to the fullest. He enjoyed it immensly. Scul-*Dana* was doing her part too, taking cues from him and building on them. He could have applauded.

And he almost choked when, after he offered to do the dishes, she volunteered to help. Mike ushered the rest of them into the living room, winking at Margaret.

"Oh. My. God," Erin said once they were out of earshot. "It's sooo sweet!"

"Good auras," Melissa confirmed.

From the kitchen a low voice emerged, followed by the sound of laughter.

"I wonder what they're talking about," Erin pondered.

"Did you see the look on Erin's face?"

"What about my mother?"

"Priceless." Mulder dried the last of the cups and set it in the washer. He turned to face her. "It was perfect." He brushed some hair off her face. "*You* were perfect." She looked up at him. *God, those eyes...* He kissed her lightly and pulled away. "For luck. Are you ready?"

She patted her pocket unsteadily, pulled out the ring and put it on. "Got my camera, too."

"Then we're ready!" he held the door for her, following her out.

The whole room fell silent. He cleared his throat and stuck his hands nervously in the pockets of his suit. "Ah, I have something to say." He began to choke on laughter and looked at her.

*HAM!* she smiled sheepishly. "Uh...Fox has asked me to marry him and-" she held up her hand, ring and all, "I've accepted."

Erin's jaw dropped, Mike's eyes bulged, Melissa's hands flew to her mouth, and Margaret blinked. Dana pulled out the small disposable camera and snapped them. Fox leaned forward and pushed Erin's jaw shut.

"Close up, Erin. You were pretty obvious, you know. And you fell for it, hook, line, and sinker."

As his words sunk in, Erin jumped on him and began to pummel him with her fists. "You *shmuck!* and I *believed* you-" Mike tackled him, sitting on him to hold him down as Erin continued to punch him. Dana got three shots of it before Melissa took her down and began to do the same.

Margaret took the camera and used the rest of the exposures to capture action shots. "You two *deserve* each other."

"Thanks, *mom.*" Mulder managed to gasp.

Note: Oh, I do have permit from Sheryl Martin(I'm not worthy) to use Jackie and Rosie in this one. Hope you like it!

II. Gossip

The phone rang almost the minute Mulder entered the office. He picked it up. "Mulder."

He felt ready for anything, even a hoax case. *A week off can do you wonders*.

He listened for a moment and winced. Maybe he wasn't ready for *anything.*

"I'll be right up."

"Who was that?" Scully looked up from her desk.

"Skinner." He rubbed his forehead.

"Are we in trouble?"

"*We* don't know, but then he only asked for *me*. How could I be in trouble? I've just been off for a week." He balanced his pen precariously atop a pile of papers on his desk and picked up his coat. "It must be something else."

Skinner was not a happy camper, Mulder decided, as he entered the inner office. The man paced up and down behind his desk. Mulder cleared his throat slightly. "You asked to see me, sir?"

"Agent Mulder, take a seat." Skinner was abrupt and cold. Mulder gulped. *What did I do?* He sat.

"Agent Mulder, I had thought that you and Agent Scully understood bureau policy well enough to prevent something like this. I had hoped that you two were mature enough to work together as friends and-"

"Sir?" Mulder interrupted, realization dawning. "If I may ask, what are you talking about?"

"The fact that I'm going to have to reassign you or agent Scully to another department."

"Uh...can I ask why?"

"Mulder, I'm not in the mood for games. Your uncle Michael just called me and-"

"Shit," Mulder said.

"I agree." Skinner sat and steepled his fingers. "This means that unless you can give me a good reason not to close the X-Files-"

"I'm going to rip his head off," Mulder said quite calmly. "He called you and told you Scully and I were..." he choked slightly, "romantically involved, didn't he?"

Skinner nodded. Mulder stood and began to pace.

"You are aware, I'm sure, of Bureau policy-"

"It's not true, sir. With all due respect, he's playing a practical joke." Mulder's voice cracked.

"What do you mean, Mulder?"

"Agent Scully and I...played a joke on him over my week off. I suspect this is his retaliation."

"The bureau is not a place for some lame family joke-" Skinner went into lecture mode.

"I know. I know." Mulder tried to cut him off. "May I go, sir? I believe Agent Scully should be informed of this...development."

"Dismissed." Skinner flushed and picked up a pencil. "Don't let this happen again, Mulder."

"You can be sure of that."

"Oh, and Mulder?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Almost everyone in the building knows by now. Have fun."

He could have sworn he saw Skinner wink.

"Sir, are you giving me permission to-"

"Dismissed."

Back in the basement, Scully was sorting papers into piles. "Back so soon? That was quick. What did he want?"

"You souldn't believe me if I told you. You'll find out soon enough anyway."

"Hm." Scully brushed it off. "Oh, here's something that belongs to you." She tossed him the felt box that contained their 'engagement' ring.

He tossed it back. "Better keep it for a while."

Before she could respond, Anna Christiansen from the secretarial pool leaned in the door. "Hey, Dana, score!Oops-" she ran off as Mulder looked up. Scully shot a quizzical look at her retreating back. Some agents passed by and applauded through the open door. Scully took off her glasses and glared at Mulder, whose head was down on his desk, shoulders heaving with the effort of repressing laughter.

"Would yo ucare, Agent Mulder, to explain what exactly just happened?"

"I'll give you a hint." He managed to choke through laughter. "It has to do with that prank Saturday night." He grinned. She paled. "They wouldn't..."

"They have. Uncle Mike called Skinner this morning."

"You're dead, Mulder. The entire Mulder clan is about to become extinct. Two minutes-"

Mulder faked a hurt look. "Me?! Whose idea was this, anyway?"

She mimicked him. "We get even. How would you like to fall in love for a week? I think those were your words. Now the entire Bureau, and probably most of the DEA, FDA, oh, and CSIS think we're getting married. I feel like I'm in a bad sitcom."

"Rosie's going to be devastated," Mulder said thoughtfully.

"Jackie should call right about..." The phone rang. "Now."

"Scully." She said, still glaring at him. Hysterical laughter came over the line. "Rosie's falling apart, Dana. I don't know how you did it but-"

"I didn't, Jackie. It's a practical joke." Scully tried to talk some sense into the crazed canadian. "It was a *joke*!"

"Right, and Mulder saw Elvis in the FBI cafeteria this morning. Put him on."

Mulder grabbed the phone. "You're having fun with this, huh?"

"St. George, I am deeply offended that you would even think that agent Scully and I would make such a *flagrant* breach of ettiquette. But Jackie..." he grinned, "Skinner gave me permission to play with this. Spread it around." And he hung up.

Scully stared at him.

"Skinner knows, Scully, don't worry. He gave us unofficial leave."

"I don't think so."

"Aw..."

"Mulder! This is our *job*. Have some respect."

"Since when have I had respect for our job?"

Scully tried to think of a comeback. Mulder continued. "Well, we have a few choices. We can tell the truth...play around with this some more...or-"

"*Or* I could kill you." She reached for her holster. He dove behind his desk and knocked a pile of files off it. Satisfied, she left, deciding it was time to put in a few hours in the archive room.

"Hey, *spooky*!" a voice called as Mulder sat down in the bureau cafeteria to eat. He turned.

"Benson."

"Heard about you and Scully. Man, how'd you do that?" Benson sat down.

Mulder grinned. This was going to be fun. "Patience, Benson. Lots

of patience and a pair of handcuffs."

"Handcuffs?" His eyes went wide. Mulder put a finger to his lips.

"Sh."

"Oh, gotcha. Well, see ou. Just wanted to, you know, congrats."

Benson ran off to spread the handcuff theory. Mulder smiled into his

sandwich and thougth about what he'd tell the next person who came up.

Scully spent the day in the archive room, where the old files were kept. She'd let Mulder tell everyone about the...situation.

Nobody bothered her, whic hwas just fine. Now if she could get back to the office and from there to her car without being seen...no luck.

Three agents from surveillance watched her and appaluded as she skulked down the hall. Oh, Mulder was going to pay for this. She fumed into the office.

"Federal Bureau of Investgation Fox Mulder, I know you are in here. And when I find you I will first roast you alive and then perform an extremely embarrassing autopsy on you in front of the entire Academy graduating class."

A head emerged from between two file cabinets. "Is that a promise?"

She threw the closest thing at hand, hoping it was something heavy and painfully hard. It bounced off his chest.

"Aw, giving the ring back? Does that mean the marriage is off?"

Mulder picked up the box and dusted it off.

"I give up. And I'm promising you in marriage to the next secretary who tells me I 'scored'. If this rumor isn't gone by the time I get back tomorrow..." she stalked out, slamming the door.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted."

III. Family Gossip

Mulder had been in a state of semi-shock all week, from which he was emerging only now. All week he'd been acting his butt off and threatening both Scully and Erin with death...

And enjoying it the whole time.

Only someone like Melissa would have the temerity to snap him out of it by asking him to the movies.

"So why d'you think she asked you out?" Erin leaned back in Scully's chair and popped a seed from the bag she'd stolen from him into her mouth.

"Why do *you* think? She wanted to go see Species. Maybe she didn't want to see it alone and I *know* Scully doesn't want to see it."

"And you honestly *don't* think it's because you're a babe?" Erin eyed him incredulously.

"A what?"

"Babe...you know, cute guy, the kind I'd swoon over if you weren't my cousin...?"

"Thanks...I think."

"Jeez, it's a good thing Dana's photocopying those reports. You need a serious lesson in relationships."

"And you're the expert, is that it?"

Erin sat up straight. "I bet I've had more boyfriends in the last year than you've had girlfriends."

"So...?"

"Look, if you're so stuck on Dana-"

"Stuck?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Can I continue?"

"Sorry."

"Accepted. If you're so stuck on her, why are you going out with Melissa? And why don't you tell her you're in love with her, for godssakes?"

"I'm not going to tell her because it's against bureau protocol.

The only reason we got this far is because Skinner knows about it. And I'm going out with another woman-"

"Correction, you're going out with *Melissa*." She pointed at him.

"-Because I'm not going to put my love life on hold for someone I can't have, and I'm not passing up the chance to see Species." He continued, unruffled.

"Oh, right. The movie."

"What movie?" Scully asked, carrying a pile of papers into the room.

"Pocahontas." Erin grinned, got out of the chair and took up a position near Mulder's "I want to believe" poster.

"Never mind." Scully sat down. "I don't want to know."

"So, Fox, you gonna spoil the ending of Species for me?" Erin gauged his reaction. Scully stiffened.

"No, I don't know if I'll even stay that long if it's bad."

*Anytime, now, Dana-* Erin telegraphed. Scully turned and faced away, biting her lip to keep from laughing.

He squinted in the dimly lit lobby-it wasn't...no, Scully didn't wear sunglasses, and besides she said she was going to be working on paperwork.

But it certainly looked a lot like her. Melissa tugged on his arm.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, no, I thought I saw Scully for a minute."

"Weird. Come on, let's get our seats."

"Had a great time, Fox."

"Me too. I'll see you later."

"Tell Dana I said hi!"

Mulder walked back to his own car. There she was again, that woman who looked like Scully. She wouldn't...well, maybe...no, why would she? She certainly seemed to be following him-

*Get a grip, dumb butt.* He could almost hear Erin talking. But it did seem very familiar.

The next morning Scully checked her reflection and decided that Erin was right, she did look a little overdressed for the office.

"*Dana*, when did you get this?" Erin emerged from the closet, holding a white skirt that hung down to mid-thigh. "And why didn't you ever wear it before?"

"I got it a few years ago as a birthday present."

"Whew...old boyfriend, right? Yikes."she went back into the closet. "Okay, that and the white blouse..."

"Morning, Scully." Mulder didn't look up from his computer as she walked in. "Erin, your dad called..." he trailed off as he caught a flash of white.

All the color drained from his face as he took in his normally conservative partner. White miniskirt, sheer hose, thin embroidered top that was a bit too clingy..." Scully?"

"Yes?" she said innocently and sat, crossing her legs. Wow, too much legs...

"Nothing." He looked back to his computer before he stared for too long.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah...Erin, you may want to call Mike." He pointed to the phone.

"Right." She picked up and dialled. "Hi Da? Yeah, I'm gonna-oh, it's going great...no, he's not in trouble, at least not officially, but his boss looks peeved...kay, love you too...no, I was fine, we tried on some clothes...gotta go...love ya...bye!...hey Fox, he wants you to fax him something."

"He wants me to..." Mulder's mind was still in the vicinity of the miniskirt.

"Fax him something . Come on, I've got it in my bag." She yanked him out the door.

Outside in the hallway, he bent over and whispered at her. "What the hell is this about?"

"I had to get you out of there before you started drooling on the desk."

"And I assume you *know* why Scully came to work half-nude today?"

"Half-nude? You don't get out much, do you?"

"Back to the point-"

"I think she's jealous."

"Of...?"

"Melissa? The woman you went on a date with last night?"

"Maybe it's part of the act for the rest of the bureau."

Erin was about to comment on that and pigs flying when the elevator at the far end of the hall dinged and two men stepped out. Mulder took one look at them and ducked into the side hallway.

"Scully." He poked his head in the door.

"Yeah?"

"Would your brothers happen to be about six five each, stockily built, with short red hair?"

"Yes..."

"Two men fitting that description and in naval uniforms are barreling down the hall as we speak. I don't think today was the day to wear that miniskirt..."

She slid out of her chair and walked out into the hallway, almost running into one of them. He looked down, surprised. "Dana, babe."

"Bill? Charlie?"

They both hugged her, while the two Mulders stood to one side.

"I didn't know you were coming. How'd you get in?"

"We used our military ID. Freaked the secretary out." Charlie grinned. "Nice dress. Mel called us."

"Melissa? But she..." Scully looked over at Erin, who looked away and began to whistle softly.

"I see. I'm glad to see both of you."

"Well, we came to speak to you about something in particular. Or not really to you-"

"Mel told us you got engaged!" Charlie cut off the older brother.

"And we never even got to meet him! We gotta make sure he's decent." He glared darkly at her.

"I think I'd better go now..." Mulder grabbed Erin by the sleeve-

"Fox, why? I mean, they just said they wanted to meet you." Erin smiled.

"So it's you, is it?" Bill towered over him. "What makes you think-"

"Bill! Stop it. I can fend for myself and have been doing so quite nicely for the past ten years or so." Scully frowned at him.

"We just don't want anyone-"

"Charlie, don't start either."

Mulder watched in amusement as the two men backed away from their petite sister. *Power of personality...*

<Lemme set the scene for this part...Later that day, lunch at some diner...>

"So, Fox, when did it...y'know, click?" Charlie leaned back in the booth and sipped his beer. Erin sat in the corner and winked at him.

"Well, the way he told it to me..."

"Don't, Erin." Mulder looked back at Charlie and shrugged. "Daughters."

"You see, this is exactly the reason we needed to check you out! You've already gotten one woman in trouble-" Bill took a bite of his sandwich.

"I support her and Erin. At least I didn't just run away. It was a long time ago."

"Which is the only reason we're even letting you near our sister."

"Thanks for having so much faith in him." Erin muttered into her hamburger.

"You seem like a decent man, for all that, and we'd like to know you better." Charlie shot what must be the patented Scully Look at his brother. "It's too bad we're going to have to go so soon."

"I have to know, Fox, how long has this been going on? And if she wears those clothes all the time..." Bill ignored his brothers attempts at peacemaking.

"About six months." *Scully's not gonna like this-*

"SIX MONTHS?" he stood and almost took a swing at him.

"Calm down! Bill, it's not like she's never dated a federal agent before. Let me remind you she *is* a federal agent?" Charlie was obviously the sane one of the family...

"Sorry." The flush drained from his face.

"I'm back!" Scully stood next to the booth and pushed her brother over. "Did I miss anything important?"

IV. Gossip, The next Generation

Dana Scully entered the J. Edgar Hoover building the next morning with trepidation. She'd threatened Mulder, thrown things at him, and now she'd see if her message got through. She tried to pass quickly by the front desk, but the secretary called her name.

*So much for death threats.*

"Hey Dana, wow, is it true?" Anna smiled conspiratorially.

"About...?" she responded icily.

"Well, there's this story going around about you and Mulder and handcuffs..."

Scully considered the woman for a minute, briefly imagined setting Mulder's apartment on fire, and decided against it. Instead, she'd give him some of his own medicine.

"No, that's just Fox fantasizing again. He likes chains."

As she stared openmouthed, Scully breezed down the hallway and into the elevator. This was going to be a long day.

Mulder was definitely confused when he finally made it down to the basement office. At least three agents had stopped him on the short walk to the elevator and asked him something about chains and whips...and Scully was wearing the ring she'd thrown at him yesterday...

"You're late." She said, typing away at her computer when he came in.

"My alarm was broken. Scully, what's the deal with the chains? Did you do that?"

"Deny everything."

He groaned. "My sins come back to haunt me. What did you tell everyone? And here I thought you wanted to end this."

"I only wanted it to end as long as I was the one getting dumped on. Now it's on your shoulders."

He was about to think of a snappy comeback when the phone rang. He picked it up, hoping to god it wasn't Skinner.

"Mulder."

"Hi Fox!"

"Erin, I'm going to come through the phone line and kill you as soon as I finish strangling Scully."

"Don't be mad, it was Da's idea to tell your boss. I just wanted to see how things were going."

"Don't you have school?"

"Just 'cause you only got one week off doesn't mean that I don't have a two week vacation."

"So, run out of people to harass?"

"Your aura sucks, Fox."

"You've been talking to Melissa too much. Too bad she couldn't read our auras earlier or we wouldn't have made suckers out of you."

"Ah, but she did try. She said you actually looked like you were in love. Now fancy that, Mr. There's nothing I Can Do About It."

"You were listening?! That's it, Scully, hand me my Sig." Mulder reached for his holster resting on his desk. Scully just shook her head and picked up the extension. "Don't listen to him, Erin. He's just mad because I put out a new rumor about him. Whip and chains."

"Oooo, I like. Kinky. I gotta see this. You mean you haven't told anyone it was a joke yet?"

"Only Skinner." Scully watched Mulder try to listen to their conversation and find his ammunition clip at the same time. "How quick can you get here?"

Mulder tripped over the phone cord and fell to the floor, glaring at her. "Erin, don't you-"

"Da could drive me up there in about half an hour, this time of day. Can you get me a visitor's pass?"

"I'll try-" Scully shouted over Mulder's cursing.

"Good. Seeya! Bye Fox!"

"That was dirty."

"Says the man lying on the floor in the sunflower seed husks."

"Says the man who found his ammo clip."

"Erin's coming now whether you kill me or not."

"Who says anything about killing you? I'm going to tie you up and-"

"Whips and chains?"

"Slow torture."

"You do and I'll find those tapes you keep in the bottom drawer and tell everyone."

"It can't get much worse than it already is."

"Don't underestimate Erin."

Erin played with the clip on her pass as she turned a corner in the maze of offices. She was most definitely lost. How hard could it be to find the basement? Just go straight down. But first you have to find the elevators.

"Excuse me." A voice behind her said. "You look a little young to be wandering around here."

She turned and almost ran into a tall man with short blond hair.

"The agents seem to be getting shorter." He smiled at her.

She blushed. "Oh, I'm just...visiting someone. Could you tell me where the elevators are? I'm lost."

"Sure, where do you need to go?"

"The basement." She looked down.

"Who did you say you're visiting?" he checked the name on her tag.

"Erin...Mulder? as in Spooky Mulder?"

"Yeah..."

"A lot of talk about him these days. Are you a relation?"

"Yes, I'm his..." she thought for a moment. Oh, he wasn't going to like this. "I'm his daughter."

"His *what*?" he almost choked.

"His daughter. I live with my mom a few hours from here, but when I heard about him and Dana, well..." She shrugged. "I had to meet my new stepmom."

"Does *she* know about this?"

"I hope so. You mean he hasn't told anyone about me?" she gave him one of those big eyed looks that got her asked out to dances at school, and continued. "I'd have thought..."

A crowd was beginning to gather around her.

"How old are you?" the blond man asked.

"I'm sixteen next month. Um...if I could get down there before the

end of the day, it might help my chances of seeing them."

"Oh, right. Go on, you guys, back to work. I'll take you there."

"Cool."

"Ye gods, she better not say anything..," Mulder said, his head cradled in his arms on his desk. "You know, maybe this wasn't such a good idea-"

"I'm having fun," Scully said, staring at her latest email. "Mulder, how did the Lone Gunmen get my email address?"

"Why, Frohike send you an obscene download?"

"Not exactly." She read off the screen. "From Lgcorp. Re:Engagement. We wish you all the best in the years to come, and when's the wedding? Sincerely, Frohike."

"I don't-I've got one too. Here: Mulder, who's the best man? When's the bachelor party? Have you and her...well, I don't think you want to hear that part."

"I think you're right."

There was a knock on the door and the knob turned. "I'm baa-ak!"

Erin bounded into the room. "Ohmygoshyouwon'tbelievewhatjusthappenedwellyoumight-"

"Erin, calm down." Mulder stood and walked behind her. She started to babble again, and he grabbed the tip of her ponytail. Pulling her head back and looking down at her from behind, he smiled. "Now, calmly and slowly, using the vocabulary of a nine-year-old, tell me what you want to say."

"Hi dad." She smiled back. He looked at her quizzically.

"I was just talking to Agent Jameson and he said you never told

him you had a daughter. What's the deal?"

Scully began to laugh.

V. Gossip Flying

"I don't believe this."

Scully took her glasses off and stared, tears of laughter running down her cheeks, at the pair in front of her. Mulder held Erin's ponytail in a death grip, while she grinned away like an idiot.

"I don't believe this."

"Hey, 'dad', I thought you wanted to believe!" Erin gasped as he pulled her ponytail just a tad lower, making her bend her knees.

"You told agent Jameson that you were my *daughter*?"

"Well, not just him..."

He let go of her hair and put the heels of his hands to his eyes.

"Well, I could be, you know. If you were nineteen-"

"When I was nineteen I was at Oxford."

"So, I'll say momma was visiting. Da's told me stories about you and coeds-"

"I'm sure." Mulder sat on the edge of the desk. "This just gets more frightening by the minute."

"I assume you have a plan?"

"Coming up with one...here's the deal." He leaned in, whispering. "We set the basement on fire and fake our own deaths."

"Hm...too final." Erin shook her head. "How about we convince everyone that Dana's pregnant?"

"I *don't* think so." Scully joined the other two, heads together.

"How about I kill the two of you and sell the movie rights for bail?"

"You'd never get away with it."

"Oh, oh, idea!" Erin hit her head. "Okay, this is really gonna kill them..."

"Please!" Erin sat in the chair in the FBI cafeteria and clasped her hands. "Da, come home!"

"I told you, Erin, I don't love Laura."

"But you-"

"She doesn't want me to be there, and I've got a life here. I've told you you're welcome to come live with us-"

"Arg!" She turned and headed for the bathroom. Mulder rubbed his forehead and tried to look like a worried father. Someone slid into the seat across from him.

"Hi, Spooky."

"Don't call me that, Wagner."

"Trouble?"

"Teenagers."

"I know. I've got two at home myself."

"So you feel that your world is crumbling around you, too?"

"It gets better. Hey, I wanted to congratulate you two. When's the happy day?"

"I have no idea. If I survive today, I'll find out."

"Well...good luck."

"Thanks." He took a bite of his sandwich and tried to ignore all the stares he was getting. Skinner came through the door, looking like he was about to burst.

*No, not now...*

Of course, it was him Skinner wanted to talk to. He was going to have to kill quite a few people when this was over.

"Agent Mulder. Do you mind..." Skinner gestured to the empty chair. Mulder shook his head. Skinner sat. "I realize that I most likely did the wrong thing in giving you permission to continue with this, Mulder." He took off his glasses and stared at him. Mulder braced for impact. "But it's driving my secretary crazy. I want to know how blatant the lies have gotten."

"I'm the illegitimate father of a fifteen-year-old girl who came here for the express purpose of bringing me home to her mother, and I like chains." Mulder deadpanned. Skinner bowed his head and bit his lip.

"Make this good. I'm holding cases off you to to let you finish. But I want it done by the end of the week."

"Yes sir."

"Three days."

"Yes-"

"Da..." Erin cut into the conversation. "I, um-" she looked nervously at Skinner.

"He knows, Erin. Director Skinner, Erin Mulder."

"Hi." Erin shook his hand.

"I don't want this to go past Monday. Clear?"

"Extremely."

"Good. And I want a full report on it." Skinner stood and left.

Erin grinned. "Your boss, right?"

"Regrettably. So, what were you saying?"

"Uh...Da, I wanted to...apologize, I was just...I miss mom." She began to project her voice slightly. "And I want to be a family again."

"You're overdoing it, Erin." he muttered. "I think we'd better get out of here."

"Why?"

"Scully coming. On second thought-" he stood up and walked across the cafeteria to meet her. "Dana, love."

"Fox-" she managed to get out before he picked her up and kissed her.

Erin's eyes, and Dana's, went wide as half the room erupted in applause.

"That was *completely* inappropriate and if that ever-"

"Oh, I think it was a nice touch." Erin broke into Dana's ravings.

"I liked how your pupils dialated."

"If he does that again I will poison my lipstick. Well, not that I didn't enjoy it..."

"I don't think he will. He's having a helluva time getting it off his face."

"Serves him right." Scully sat down before she started blushing all over again.

"Listen, Dana, I think I've got something I need to tell you..."

*Wow.*

That was incredible.

Mulder stood in front of the mirror in the men's bathroom and wiped the last of the lipstick from his mouth. That ten seconds before she'd broken off and almost slapped him were worth the entire week. Yes, indeedy.

And he was sure they'd be worth whatever hell he was going to get when he went back to the office. He wondered if Skinner had seen it. He hoped so.

"Erin-"

"I heard him say it! Would I lie to you?"

"You've lied to everyone else in the building."

"It's true!"

"It can't be."

"Fine, don't believe me. But he kissed you-"

"Part of the act."

"Believe that and I've got a very nice bridge to sell you. So I want the dirt."

"You want the what?"

"The dirt. I want to know...your feelings. All of it. Everything."

"Did you ever hear about curiosity and the cat?"

"Yeah, but I happen to be a very nice specimen of *Homo Sapiens*, thank you."

Silence.

"Do you really want the truth?"

"Remember who I'm related to."

Erin laughed gleefully and sat on the floor. "This is cool. This is way too cool for words."

"I'm glad someone finds it funny." Scully was turning a very becoming shade of deep red. "I don't."

"You wouldn't! But this-you two, in love, pretending to not be in love so you can pretend to be in love...I can see you ten years from now-"

"I see *you*, underground, trapped forever in a little basement somewhere if Mulder finds out."

"Not...*chained*?"

"No." Scully picked up a pencil. "So. Now what do we do?"

"Well, after I called you, I gave Melissa a call and we decided she definetely wanted back into the act. Here's the deal..."

"Mulder."

"Hi, Fox, it's Melissa."

"Oh, hi Melissa. Scully's out, I can take a message-"

"Um, actually, I wanted to talk to you. I was wondering if

you...wanted to go out tonight. Species is playing at the Cineplex and I know you like that sort of thing..."

"Unng...sure. Meet you there, seven?"

"Sounds good."

"You're going where? With who?" Scully looked at him from across the room.

"I'm going to see Species with Melissa. Is there a problem?" He popped a sunflower seed into his mouth and smiled. *Jealous, are we?*

"No, of course not. I just thought it might throw the joke off." She thought there was probably no lamer excuse, but then this was scripted...

"I'll be discreet. I promise." He held up two fingers. "Scout's honor. So what are you doing tonight?"

"Can we say 'paperwork'?"

Note: I realized this got sort of out of hand, so I'm making a timeline right now...

Matchmakers...........................Saturday to Saturday the following week

Gossip................................Monday

Gossip The Next Generation............Tuesday

Gossip Flying (See a pattern?).........Still Tuesday

Family Gossip.........................Tuesday to Wednesday

Gossip Bites..........................Thursday.

Gossip Conquers All(soon).............Friday

VI. Gossip Bites

<click>"Mulder."

"Meet in the cafeteria for lunch."

"Skinner?"

"We're going to have an argument, Mulder. I can't let you have all the fun."

"Yes sir, lunch in the cafeteria."

"Good."<click>

"What did Skinner want?"

"A piece of the action, what else?"

The first Agent Kim really noticed of it was when Mulder's chair flew backwards and he started to yell. "You can't do this, sir-"

"The hell I can't, Agent. May I remind you of bureau proto-"

"I don't give a damn for your protocol, you can't close the X-"

"Just watch me. I've done it before."

"This is not on command from those higher-ups you're always bending to-"

"That is completely uncalled for, Mulder!"

The two men stared, red-faced, at each other across the table. Finally Mulder turned and walked out, cursing under his breath. Skinner sat and wiped his forehead with a napkin.

"Well, that's new," Kim muttered to his partner. "I wonder what the fuss is about."

Skinner managed to keep a straight face until he reached his office, nodded at the secretary, shut the door.

After which he sat down at his desk and laughed until he cried.

"I'm never gonna get rid of them. The X-Files." He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "What did I do to deserve this?"

"I'm not sure, Walt. Perhaps you should tell me." A raspy voice came from the smoke-filled corner.

"What the hell...what are you dong here?"

"A short cameo."

"So Skinner told you he'd have to close the files because-"

"And then you started yelling at him-"

"And it was all fake." Mulder finished with a flourish. "You realize what this means, Scully."

"I hope it's not what I think it is-"

"We're going to have to break up. Loudly. Publicly."

"I gotta get this on tape." Erin typed on Mulder's computer. "This is too rich. Can I write the script? Pretty please? I've been practising on this fanfiction group I found..."

"Only if we can read it first." Scully looked over her shoulder.

"I think those are Mulder's downloads, Erin."

"Oh right." She closed the window and began to type on the word processor. "This will be so phat-"

"Beg pardon?"

"Phat? Cool? Big?"

"Is this in the same book as babe?"

"Did I miss this conversation?" Scully broke in. Erin waved it away. "I tell you what, Fox, try this one out on the Wagner bozo..."

Mulder leaned against the wall of the hallway and blinked.

"Spooky?"

"I *told* you, Wagner-"

"Sorry. You look awful."

"Gee, thanks."

"Can I help?"

"Not unless you understand the mind of a fifteen-year-old."

"Well, I can try. Is Erin in trouble?"

"N...ot exactly. Wagner, she's got a crush on my *boss*."

"Skinhead? The big bald guy you just had a yelling match with in the cafeteria?"

"He's closing the X-Files unless Dana and I break up."

"Ouch."

"Yeah." Mulder turned and began to walk down the hall. "And now

I've got to go tell her."

"You ready?"

"I already yelled at Skinner, yelling at you should be a breeze."

"Erin, can you hear us?"

"Loud and clear, these bugs from surveillance work great." A metallic voice sounded in Scully's ear. "Any chance I could take a few of these home?"

The elevator doors opened and Scully burst out, striding down the corridor, Mulder right behind her. He began to shout.

"Don't walk away from this, Dana-"

"I am not going to be second to your work, no matter how..."

"This is not a choice I like! But this work is-"

"Taking over your life! If you can't choose between me and a cabinet full of files I'll make the choice for you."

"Dammit, did you hear a word I was saying?"

"And just how do you propose to fix this all, Fox?" she whirled and demanded. People stared.

"I-" he leaned in and took her by the shoulders. "Shit," he muttered, too low for anyone to hear.

"Mulder, what the hell are you doing?"

"I...just look like we're still arguing."

"What happened?" she whispered hoarsly.

"I forgot what I was supposed to say."

"You have an eidetic memory!"

"Don't tell me that, I know it. But I *can't remember*."

"Erin, can you prompt?" Scully asked into her mic.

"I just lost the copy. Ad lib!" Erin's voice was frantic with either worry or hysteria.

"Oh, damn, I don't think this is going anywhere." His eyes darted around the hall. "I think it's time to make up and-"

"You do and I'll-"

He leaned down again and kissed her, this time a little longer, a little deeper...

Another round of applause for the two weirdos from the basement, thank you, and goodnight...

"I can't believe that just happened! Fox, cousin, friend, mentor,

*moron*, you have a photographic memory. How can you forget six simple lines?"

"You're the one who lost the script."

"Next time we rehearse."

"No." Scully threw a bag of sunflower seeds at her. "Next time we don't have that kiss at the end. I am *not* going to kiss you again, Mulder, no matter how tempting it may be-"

"Scully?"

"-To get us out of a tight situation."

"You scared me for a minute, Scully."

"The tables turned..."

"I resemble that remark."

"You certainly do," Erin said as she fired a seed husk at his head. "And a few other remarks which will remain unsaid..."

"Hey Mulder, next time get your personal mail delivered at home!

I don't 'preciate comin' all the way down here for one lousy package." The mailboy tossed a brown envelope into the room.

"I didn't order anything..." he knelt and picked the envelope up.

"Maybe it's one of those magazines you keep in the bottom drawer," Erin said.

"I'm ging to lock you out of the office soon." He ripped the top off and pulled the pile of catalogs out. "Hey Scully, did we ever tell Frohike it was a joke?"

"I thought you emailed him."

"I thought *you* did." He tossed the catalogs onto her desk. Five or six bridal magazines and a letter slid to the floor.

"To Mulder, check out the honeymoon suite ads in the back; can I come along? Frohike." Scully read the letter. "I take it you didn't *ask* for these..."

"Can I ask who Frohike is, or don't I get to know?" Erin grabbed one of them. "Whew, perfect vacation getaways. I think this one goes in the drawer next to Celbrity Skin and that video."she pulled out a pencil and began filling out the card at the back.

"Maybe it's time we paid the Gunmen a visit."

"Maybe you should call them and I'll just help Erin."

"What, you're not going to call up your brothers and get suggestions? I think they may have a few-ow!"

"All right, how's this sound." Mulder paced the basement, absently rubbing his chin. "We know there've been a few rumors flying around the office this week-"

"A few?" Erin looked at him.

"Okay, we know there've been *quite* a few rumors flying around the office this week. We'd like to announce-"

"No, announce isn't the right word."

"We'd like to tell you..."

"This is crazy. Why don't you just jump on the table and say 'hey suckers, it's a joke?' they'll clobber you anyway."

"And we do this in the cafeteria, tomorrow, lunch, and hope for the best?" Scully sat back in her chair. "You really want to tape this, Erin?"

"Well, I've still got the bugs Agent Kim lent me..."

"Mulder, hide-"

"What?"

"Three men...Bill, Charlie, Frohike...wait, Skinner's coming too..."

"A meeting of the minds-"

"Bill just punched Frohike for saying something about me. Skinner's got him in a stranglehold."

"Marine battle techniques. What's Frohike doing?"

"Trying to regain consciousness. Charlie's got Bill by the arm. Erin's helping Skinner."

"Right, time to hide."

"Definetely. Here comes Melissa-Frohike's up. He just did a double take at Mel's leather skirt. I think she was coming to see you...Bill's finally calmed down and he's coming this way..."

"I'm hiding."

"I think I'll help you..."

Silence. Bill bursts into the room.

"Dana? You in here?"

Silence as Dana and Fox hold breath behind file cabinets.

"Damn." Bill bursts back out.

Two minutes pass.

"Dana? You in here?" Erin enters room.

Scully looked at Mulder, squeezed in below her. *I don't think I want Erin to see this.*

Mulder looked up and nodded.

"She's not in here, Mel. Come on in." Erin motioned to the door.

They could hear Melissa's steps as she entered.

"All right, I'm not sure I followed everything. Explain it to me again?"

"I told you what Fox told Mike, right?"

"Yes...that's what got this started, remember?"

Scully looked quizzcally at Mulder, who shrugged.

"Okay. So I grilled Dana and told her-"

"You told her? More guts than I'd have."

"Told her and asked her what she thought."

Scully winced and avoided Mulder's eyes.

"So as I said to her, it's incredible. They're in love, pretending to not me in love so they can pretend to be in love."

The two behind the file cabinets exchanged sideways glances. "Come on, let's go find them. I've got to hear more about this." Melissa took her arm and steered her out of the room.

"Did you see her?"

"I think she was sitting on Fox."

"I can't believe this, Mel. I wish I could've seen the look on Fox's face."

"I saw the look on Dana's. This is about to get interesting."

"Bill punching that shorty dude out in the hall isn't?"

"I liked it when Skinner got ahold of him."

"I think the short guy had a breakdown when he saw you, Mel. Da's going to be so sorry he missed this..."

"Scully, do you know what she was talking about?"

"I haven't the faintest idea." Scully lied through her teeth. "I'm going home and I'm taking a long hot bath before tomorrow."

"Company?"

"No thanks."

"I'll see you tomorrow." He stared after her and blinked. "I hope..."

VII. Gossip Conquers All

It's now Friday...

Mulder sat in the cafeteria across the table from Scully and Erin.

Melissa sat next to him; Bill and Charlie ate their lunch in a booth nearby.

It was the first time he'd seen Scully that day, she hadn't checked in until five minutes ago. And he was still confused about what Erin had said the day before, about them being in love-

The room was almost full with agents eating lunch and eagerly awaiting the newest event in the lives of the basement people. They weren't waiting in vain...

Skinner, on a stroke of genius, had decided to stay in his office and watch through the minicamera Erin had gotten Agent Kim from surveillance to install in the wall. Mulder sighed and stood up. "Now or never, Scully," he muttered. Melissa moved out of the way and took up a post near her brothers.

"May I have your attention, please..." he began.

After Mulder finished his speech, there was a few seconds of silence. Stunned silence. Awkward silence. Almost...angry silence.

As if on cue, over fifty lunches, including those of two naval officers, flew at the booth at once, obliterating the view of the two grinning agents and one hysterical teenager.

"Did you get all the mayo off, Scully?"

"I'm fine. How are your styrofoam burns?"

"I'll live. Erin, you get the fries out of your hair?"

"Not completely, but I scraped the melted cheese off my watch. Fox, did you get the number of that hamburger?"

"I'm still after the man-eating club sandwich. Scully, there's bacon on you shirt."

"That's nothing, I've got soda all over my shoes."

"How's jello in my bra sound?"

"Obscene, Erin."

"I think someone nearby had salad."

"Why?"

"I've got broccoli in my boxers."

"I needed to know that, Fox."

"Hey, better than-"

"Don't get started, Mulder. Can you pick the potato chips off my back?"

"They're nachos. I'm gonna love explaining this one to my dry-cleaners."

"Guys?"

"Yeah, Erin?"

"I think today was *not* the right day for the cafeteria to serve mashed potatoes."

"All right, got the last of it." Erin ran her fingers through her salty hair and brushed at the ketchup stain on her shirt. "I think Skinner was right."

"Me too." Mulder picked at the nacho cheese on Scully's coat. "Do I have dressing on my shirt?"

"I wouldn't wear that tie for a while." Scully turned and faced him. "Not that it looks much different, but still..."

"You've got tomatoes on your butt, Fox."

"Not anymore." He brushed off the seat of his pants. "Erin, could you go return the bugs to Agent Kim? Scully and I need to talk."

"Ohhhh....right." she picked up the components and dashed out the door.

She pumped down that hall and almost ran into Kim, waiting by the door. "I got the bugs. Gimme the camera."

"Right here." He traded her the bugs for a hand-held videocamera. "I'm putting my promotion on the line-"

"It'll be worth it, trust me."

"Now, instead of playing let's keep Mulder in the dark, I want some answers."

"To what?"

"I want to know what Erin told you."

"Does 'dammit Mike, there's not a damn thing I can do about it' ring a bell?"

"Yeah. I don't believe she told you." He hung his head. "And I want to know how you responded."

She faced him and put her hands on her hips. "Like this..."

Erin pointed the lens through the door and chuckled wickedly. Oh, they were going to pay big time to get this tape. But not until she made copies.

The view through the lens showed two people standing in the middle of a cluttered office, engaged in an unpartnerlike, rather passionate, tongue-hockey-but-we-won't-keep-score kiss *nobody* would believe was faked.

"When your mom gets ahold of this, Dana...and Da...and Melissa...and *Bill*...and that Jackie woman you keep talking about..."

It was a good thing she'd sent in the bridal registry and the hotel reservation for the honeymoon suite...the lovely one with the heart-shaped bed...

"You realize, we just solved our own problem."

"How is that?"

"Well, we've been faking it for the past week. If we slip up now, because we *can't* let anyone know, then they'll just think we're faking again."

"This is going to get us killed."

"Sure. We'll be the butt of practical jokes for months. But I think we broke a bureau record. Most Agents fooled in a single week."

"Well, I broke one for shortest skirt worn by a female agent."

"You suppose Erin won best supporting actress? Not to mention fastest retreat from the cafeteria."

"Aaaaand best blackmail tape!" Erin pushed the door open fully and smiled for a second before taking off down the hall.

"^*ERIN!!!!!*^"

The End

End notes:

That's it, there is no more. None at all.

At least, not for now. I may write some extentions or supplements if I'm ever insane enough to post anything ever again. Listen to The Secret Wedding, by Sting, and be happy....

I leave you with this final thought for the day, from my main inspiration for this story...

>From Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing, Act V, scene IV(and you really should see the Kenneth Branagh version of that play):

I'll tell thee what, prince, a college of witcrackers cannot flout me out of my humor. Dost thou think I care for a satire or an epigram? In brief, since I do purpose to marry, I will think nothing to any purpose that the world can say against it...For man is a giddy thing, and this is my conclusion. For thy part, Claudio [substitute Erin's name here], I did think to have beaten thee, but as thou are like to be my kinsman, live unbruised, and love my cousin.

Benedick.