Title: Entries
Author: bluefroggie
Written: August 2000
Archive: Spookys, Gossamer, Ephemeral are all okay. Anywhere else, please ask first.
Spoilers: Requiem
Keywords: MSR, Scully Angst, Baby fic? sorta

Summary: "My Dad went away again. He left early in the morning before I was woken up."

Thanks to Lisa for one of her famous quick betas. Note: This is from a kid's POV so there are spelling and grammar mistakes.

Dear Journal, February 25

Today is my birthday. I am 9 years old. I am a big kid now but Mom says I will always be her baby.

I don't like writing but my dad says writing helps you get your feelings out. Mom says she used to write in one just like this. I will try to write to make them happy.

Dear Journal, February 28

It is raining today. I want to jump in puddles but Dad says it will get Mom angry when my clothes get wet. This journal writing project is hard but Mom and Dad say I am very smart.

Dear Journal, March 15

My dad is mean. I hate him. He won't play Monopoly with me today.

Dear Journal, March 16

My Dad went away again. He left early in the morning before I was woken up. My Mom said he went away when I was only a small baby in her stomach but he came back when I was born.

My Mom is sad, she doesn't smile anymore. I make funny faces and I tell her jokes but she doesn't do anything. I say to her that Dad will come home at night because he is afraid of the boogeyman (that is what he said to me) but Mom shakes her head.

The police are in my house. They are searching for clues. I don't like them because they look angry. I am hiding in my room. A nice man with no hair is talking to my mom. She is crying.

Dear Journal, March 18

I wonder why my Dad went away. I didn't do anything bad. Justin at school says that my Daddy and Mommy got into a fight and that's why my Daddy left. But my Mom and Dad love each other and they love me. I saw them kiss. I wish I was an adult, like Mom and Dad. Maybe I will understand then.


Dear Journal, March 26

I learned two new words today. I learned 'bemused'. That means I am confused and don't understand. I am bemused. Why did my Dad leave? I love him and I love my Mom. I was angry and that is why I said I hate my dad but I don't hate him.

I learned the word 'damn'. My mom said it. I don't know what it means but my mom said, "Damn it! Damn them for taking him!" The phone rang and my mom picked it up and talked into it. She looked very angry when the person talked back. The nice man with no hair is watching me because my mom is going shopping. He says for me to call him Mr. Skinner (that is his real name. He spelled it for me to write in my journal). My hand hurts when I write a lot.

Dear Journal, March 26

I am writing two pages in one day! I showed my mom what I wrote but she looked like she didn't see me. I am worried. My mom didn't go shopping. She didn't bring home any bags. But something is weird. I picked up her purse to put on the kitchen table but it was heavy. My mom got very angry with me when I tried to pick up her purse. I am only trying to help my mom to make her happy. She is never happy now. Her mouth is frowning.

Dear Journal, April 7

My mom goes away a lot now. She brings her purse but when she comes home, she doesn't bring anything else home. I am confused. Why does she bring her purse when she doesn't buy anything? She comes home at night to kiss me before I go to sleep. She smiles a little bit at me now. I am writing this near my nightlight. My mommy went outside after she kissed me. I am worried. Will she not come home like my daddy?

Dear Journal, April 8

My mom came home in the morning before I go to school. Grandma was making me pancakes and mom opened the door. She looked tired. She did not say "Goodmorning sweetheart." to me like she always does. I am confused. What happened to my mom?

When I came home, my mom was gone again. Grandma was gone too. Uncle Bill and Aunt Tara were there. I feel like an orphan. That is a word I learned today. It means a child nobody wants. I never see my mom anymore. My dad is gone. Grandma, Uncle Bill, Aunt Tara, Uncle Charlie, Mr. Skinner and my other three uncles (they are a little weird) take care of me now. They try to make me happy but I am very sad and confused. What is happening to my family?

Dear Journal, April 14

My mom is making me very angry. She promised me that I could go to Justin's house to play with his Dreamcast but now she says I have to stay at home with Uncle Frohike, Uncle Langly and Uncle Byers. I hate my mom. NO! I do not hate my mom. I love her very much. I can't say 'hate' anymore. It will make her go away like dad.

My uncles are very weird but funny. I help them find bugs.

Dear Journal, April 15

I am scared. My mom came home today with blood on her clothes. I thought it was ketchup because I remember going to McDonalds with Mom and Dad and Daddy squished a ketchup packet and it squirted on Mom. We laughed but Mom doesn't laugh anymore. I think I forgot how it sounds like. I am in my room again. I spend a lot of time in my room now. Aunt Tara is helping Mom clean up.

Dear Journal, April 16

Mom went away early today before I was woken up. I started to cry and scream when Mr. Skinner and Uncle Charlie told me. I do not know why but I keep on thinking my mom will never come back. I felt tired after crying. I fell asleep. Mr. Skinner and Uncle Charlie are talking downstairs.

Dear Journal, April 17

My mom has a gun. I found it in her purse. I think she has another gun too and that is why she didn't take the purse with her today. My dad and mom told me they are police officers but police officers do not have IDs like my mom and dad do (I learned this from a TV show). My mom's ID says: FBI. It was in her purse. I will ask Mr. Skinner and Uncle Charlie what FBI is.

Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Dear Journal, April 19

My Uncle Charlie took away my journal after he wrote 'Federal Bureau of Investigation'. Mr. Skinner gave it back to me today. I saw them reading what I wrote. Mom read it too. She started to cry. I do not like hearing my mom cry.

Dear Journal, April 24

Uncle Byers, Uncle Langly and Uncle Frohike told me what is 'Federal Bureau of Investigation'. They say it's like the police except with more power. Mr. Skinner stopped them from talking and they all went to the kitchen to talk but they came back and they told me a lot of stuff. I am more confused now. They say my mom and daddy are very important people and they are fighting for the 'truth'. They told me about men who smoke, implants (?) and aliens. I do not believe them.

Dear Journal, April 25

My Uncle Bill is very mean. He told me my dad was taken by aliens and so was my mom. I hit him. I love my Uncle Bill but why does he have to be so mean? I love my mom and dad very much. They always do the right thing.

Mom was home when I came home from school. She said she needed to talk to me. She told me stuff like my uncles and Mr. Skinner did. She showed me an implant. It was very small and square. She says Dad will come back. He always does. But I am afraid he won't.

Dear Journal, May 4

I saw my mommy scream at a man. I was trying to go to sleep when I heard a crash. I walked quietly downstairs. A man with white hair was in the kitchen. He was smoking. I hate the smell of smoke so I covered my nose.

My mom was talking to him but her voice got louder. She said, "Dam you to hell!"

He talked quietly like he was in a library, "Calm down Agent Scully, you'll wake the child."

I wanted to say I was awake but I knew I had to be quiet. "You want ME to be calm?" Mom looked scary. Her face was very white and still. She pointed her gun at the man. Her voice was very low. "I call off the deal."

The man smiled, "My dear, no one but I can call off anything." My mom did not say anything. The man talked again, "You see, in this game, I hold the power. You have nothing. And I thought you were smart, Agent Scully. But I see I am mistaken. Don't overestimate yourself." He started to walk to the door.

My mom held up a CD, "I'm afraid you're wrong again." The man turned around. He smiled, "I see you have a bargining chip. Care to cash it in?".

My mom spoke, "I want him back. And soon. If not, I go public with this. All of what you have done, all the alien technology, every little detail of the project will be out. Understand?" The man nodded. My mom said, "I will give this to you, AFTER you fulfill your part of the deal."

The man left. I wanted to clap. My mom is very smart. But my mom looked so sad. he gun dropped from her hands. She fell against the refrigerator and started to cry. I hate the sound of crying.

Dear Journal, May 7

My dad is back!

Dear Journal, May 8

I am so worried. My dad is very sick. I visited him in the hospital. He was so pale. Gray shadows were under his eyes. He didn't open his eyes to look at me. I held his hand and asked him to wake up. He didn't.

Dear Journal, May 9

Nothing has changed. I wish my dad would wake up and kiss my mom to make her happy again.

Dear Journal, May 10

My mom was talking on the phone. She got mad sometimes and yelled at the person on the phone. She is going away again. I saw her take her gun. I am afraid for my mom. She is very brave but braveness won't protect her from everything.

Dear Journal, May 11

The doctors say "Mr. Mulder's condition is worsening." I am tired of being afraid.

Dear Journal, May 12

They say we should give up. My mom said, "He NEVER gave up on me!" The doctors say there is no hope. My mom stood up taller, "As long as I am alive, there will be hope. He WILL live!" I am proud of my mom.

Dear Journal, May 13

I found a map in my mom's jacket. A building is circled in red. Next to the building someone wrote, "Contact point. 555-1748. Fulfill the deal, get him back." I called the phone number but no one picked up. I do not care. I will go there.

Dear Journal, May 13

The man who smokes was there. He saw me and smiled, "Hello."

"I want my dad to get better. I want my mom to be happy again," I said.

He walked closer, "Really?"

I remembered my mom talking about a deal. "I want to make a deal." I made myself be brave. I wanted my family back.

He put the cigarette in his mouth, "A deal? On my terms?"

I stood up tall and said yes.

"Approximately what time did the child go missing?"

"About 5 or 5:30 in the evening. I was so distraught over the condition of my husband...oh God," Scully shuddered, "She said she was going to a friend's house to play."

"You work for the FBI. Do you know of any persons who might do you ill will?"

"Yes, but you will never find them."

"Agent Scully, I'm afraid you're underestimating us. We will work with the FBI to find those people and your child. Now would you please name those persons?"

"They have no names."

Dear Journal, May 13

My Mom and Dad say a year passed while I was gone. I do not remember anything. My dad is better now. My mom smiles. They kiss. I'm happy that my family is back but I am angry too. I lost a year of my life and I feel much older than I really am. I want to find the smoking man again and say, "Damn you for doing this to me!" The other kids made fun of me. They said I'm an alien. Mom and Dad tell me to ignore them and they took me out of school and teach me at home. But even I think it's weird when I get cut and my blood is green.


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