Title: Emily and William
Author: Trycee
Written: August 2010
This is appropriate for most ages: I do not own the X-Files, it is owned by Chris Carter and Fox. I wrote this for fun not profit.

Summary: "Scully, you had to do what you did. They would've killed him. They kept trying to kill him. They hurt you and your mom. What else could you have done?"

Scully:

Tears streamed down Scully's face as she stared at the picture of her daughter Emily. After being told by several doctors she would never have children, she still imagined what a child of hers would look like. Staring back at her from a semi-gloss photo was that child, a photo taken as evidence from Emily's adoptive mother's murder case a few years before. She had kept the photo placing it in a photo album she hid in her desk in her office pulling it out occasionally, studying the face of the child, her child, she had known so briefly. Was she starting to forget what she looked like? She held the photo tightly, feeling it as if she were touching Emily's young face. The tears streamed down and she did not wipe them away. She took the photo and put it next to another photo, the photo of their son William, their miracle child. How much they looked alike, Emily and William, she thought, how broad both their faces were, the same blue eyes, just like hers, they looked so much like her. She rubbed her fingers over Williams photo as well, her tears streaming harder. Her stomach tightened as she looked at the photos of her children, the children she had lost in different ways.

She wanted so much to have Mulder hold her at that moment but she knew she couldn't tell him, she couldn't express to him how she felt when she was like this. She had begun having these cry sessions more often lately. Mulder wouldn't understand this, she knew. He'd try to protect her and that's not what she wanted. She wanted to just feel her emotions, cry it all out and put on a brave face. Mulder could never understand how she felt about Emily, her biological daughter she had learned about by accident, the child she loved with her heart more than her hands. None of her medical training could save Emily and she had pushed her feelings of loss far down within her, not even Mulder knew how much her death had affected her. She always dealt with her losses by working, when her father died, when Melissa died and when Emily died. She still saw Emily on occasion in visions. She'd turn around and Emily was there touching her hand. She knew she could share her visions with Mulder he'd still not understand because he was not connected to her like she was...she was her mother.

She looked at William's photo and smiled. This was the child she had miraculously given birth too, the child she wanted so desperately, a product of the love between her and Mulder and a tinge of guilt welled up within her. She had held her son, fought for her son, loved her son so much waiting for the time Mulder could see them again and they could be a complete family but that wasn't meant to be. The guilt she felt overwhelmed her at times but she knew her decision to give him a chance at a normal life was the right one, to know no fear, to be protected in a way she and Mulder couldn't give. She had often had pangs of guilt because if she had held on just a little longer, Mulder would've been there to protect them. She shook her head, no, he was imprisoned and she couldn't run with him and William. William was just a baby...And she couldn't stop them from trying to kill William. She had given him up to protect him but not before Mulder could see him again, not before they could make the decisions together and that always pained her. She knew Mulder forgave her, that he held no resentment towards her for giving up their son to protect him but that didn't stop the guilt she felt still. Mulder loved her and she loved him and she just tried to push that pain down deep, hide it away, compartmentalize it.

Scully jumped at the knock at the door. "Scully, what's for lunch?" she heard Mulder's voice filter through the door. "Hold on, Mulder, just a second," she tried steadying her voice."I'll be out in a second." She knew he still stood there, listening, so she wiped her tears, closed up the photo album and put it back into her desk.

Mulder:

She was crying again, he could hear her behind the door. His face tightened as he listened. "it's not your fault," he said to himself. "Scully, it's mine...." he whispered. Mulder knew she cried over them...Emily and William. He could see it in her eyes every time she saw a teenage girl with a wide face, blond hair and blue eyes. He'd heard her whisper the name Emily under her breathe, as she stared at the girl whether at church or wherever they were. Scully's loss for Emily was deep, something he couldn't change but the loss of their son William was one he could, or at least he could try. Every time she saw a boy with dark hair and blue eyes, he saw it in her eyes. It was a different pain then that of Emily's. There was hope behind the pain because William was alive, William could be found and that's what he wanted to do, find their son for her and himself. It had hurt him more than she knew that he was unable to say goodbye to his son but it was not her fault and he knew she blamed herself. It was his fault, it was his decision to hide out against the Super Soldiers. He had left his family vulnerable, leaving her to fight against them alone, to make that decision alone. Her decision had caused division within her family. Her mother barely spoke to her now, her brother Charles could not understand and her brother Bill had blamed him...it was all his fault.

He had files he hid from her, birth certificate records, adoption info from when he was alone in his office pouring over his laptop trying to find William. He no longer had the Lone Gunmen to help him so his search was deadening. He had no idea how to find him but he was determined that he would. He had to take the pain away, that pain that lived in her eyes, those eyes that he saw every time he looked into the photo of his son he had stashed away in his office. He had only been with William a few days before going into hiding. He thought then that he was protecting them but he knew now that he was wrong. The Super Soldiers and the other conspirators had tried smothering their son in his bed, they had kidnapped their son, knocking out Scully and her mother, and he had not been there to protect them...wasn't that his job? To protect them? All those years of chasing after the truth and yet he had left his son and his Scully vulnerable to forces stronger than her, stronger than himself. How could he have done that? He too found himself searching the faces of children in crowds, searching for a face that looked like his...would he have dark hair like himself or red hair like Scully? Would he be tall like himself, would he recognize the child when he saw him, would he see her face staring back at him when he did find him? Would William ever know the sacrifice his mother made for him? All the years that he had vowed to himself to protect her and he had failed in the end...he tried so hard to hide his feelings from her. He couldn't let her know that he was weak, he put on a brave face but every time he looked at her, he tried to show her that he was sorry for leaving her, sorry for making her decide that on her own, sorry for not protecting her when it meant the most and that he would make it up to her, he had to make it up too her. He loved her more than life itself and he knew she had sacrificed more than he ever did. He wasn't a perfect man, he knew she knew that and yet she still loved him...how could she still love him, he wondered? How did she still look at him like he was the most important man in the world? He knew why he looked at her that way, he knew why he could never look at her in any other way...she was his partner, his lover, the mother of his only child, his entire life...he tried telling her everyday.

Lunch:

The door opened and he kissed her in her eyes, feeling the moistness of her tears. "Scully, I love you, you know that don't you?"

She patted his bare chest and then rested her head to it. She could feel his heart beating and she wanted to burst again into tears but she held them back. She couldn't speak yet, not yet...She reached up and kissed his chin, she wasn't wearing her hills, so she could only reach his chin. He tried holding her longer but she moved away from him heading towards the kitchen. "What are you in the mood for, Mulder?" she managed to say.

He could hear the quiver in her voice. "Scully, if you want, we could go out to eat or order something?"

"Ha," she huffed. "Mulder, you know you need to eat healthier. "

He walked up behind her, grasping her by the waist. "Dr. Scully, I'm just as healthy as the day you met me."

She swung around and then touched his slightly protruding belly. "I don't think so Mulder," she smiled. He welcomed that smiled and kissed her, grabbing her tightly. She held on and kissed him back, "I love you too...." she whispered. "I'm fine, Mulder."

He had heard her say that thousands, millions of time. He knew that was code word for, 'don't worry about me'. He looked her in the eyes, "You know if you need me I'm here."

"I know," she said looking up at him, her fluffy slippers mingling with his bare feet. They were still dressed in their pajamas. It was her day off and they had slept in before going off to their own offices inside their home. "So what will it be?" she asked trying to change the subject.

"I'll take a couple of burgers, a bucket of fries, and about three shakes," he said, touching his belly.

She laughed at his self-consciousness. "Two salads coming up!"

Mulder grimaced. "Can you at least put some bacon in it? We're humans, Scully."

"Some of us," she smirked. He sat down at the table, looking her over. "Some are prettier humans than others..."

"You trying to sweet talk me, Mulder?" she asked, pulling out lettuce and other salad fixings.

"Absolutely," he said, again looking her over.

"Mulder...." she said, shaking her head, as she placed a large salad in front of him. "Not now, you know my mother is stopping by today."

He was surprised by that, he knew she barely visited though Scully wanted her too. They had been so close before she had given up William and now they saw each other on occasion. "When did this happen?"

She noticed the surprise in his voice. "She called me the other day, I told you last night in bed."

He stuffed a large forkful of salad into his mouth, grimacing at the taste of yet another salad. "I don't remember that." "I'm not surprised. You have selective memory."

"I have photographic memory, Scully."

She sat down next to him and gave him a stern look. He picked up his fork and began to eat more of his salad. "You have a photographic memory Mulder when it's about aliens or some strange phenomenon. You do NOT have a photographic memory when it comes to grocery lists, toilet seats, my birthdays or visits from my family."

Mulder stood up and went over to the fridge, pulling out a pitcher of cold ice tea. He grabbed two cups from the cabinet and returned to the table. He poured her a glass and filled his own. He looked over to her as she twirled her fork in her salad. "Are you worried about your mother?"

She turned to face him. "I'm certainly worried about her visit, I never thought I would be, but..."

"Tell me again what she said to you when you had to give up...William," he said the name carefully, watching her as she winced. He slid his hand into hers. "It's okay to say his name..."

"I know," she said, pushing the salad away from her. "She was very upset with me Mulder. She said she had never been disappointed in me before but that she could not go along with giving him up. She told me to move away... she said to worry about William and not you. She thought I was choosing you over William..."

He placed his hand on her shoulder. "Do you really believe that?"

"No, I don't...it's just that she was angry. I know she was angry because she couldn't look at me. She has no idea what that decision has done to me. "

Mulder lowered his eyes. Scully turned to him and kissed him on the forehead. "Mulder I don't blame you, you know that don't you?"

Mulder gulped down his tears and looked off towards the wall. "The last time she came here she stayed all but a minute," Scully continued. "We're far away in the countryside, it took her two hours to get here Mulder and she stayed just a few minutes. I'm scared she's gonna do that again. I'm scared she will never forgive me."

"Scully, you had to do what you did. They would've killed him. They kept trying to kill him. They hurt you and your mom. What else could you have done?"

Scully got up from the table and took her bowl to the sink. She caught a glimpse of herself in the glass cabinets. She wasn't that young woman any more...a few lines creased her face now, she was older but still felt like a child needing her mother's approval. "There was nothing I could've done Mulder. That still doesn't take the pain away."

The Visit:

Scully stared out the window, waiting for her mother's car to come up the long windy driveway. Mulder had opened the gate so there were no barriers between the road and their home, so she waited, nervously, her sweaty hands smoothing down her skirt. She checked herself in the mirror several times, she straightened Mulder's collar a few more, and ran the vacuum over the floor for the umpteenth time. Mulder was calmer, he smiled as he saw her grab for the vacuum again. He pulled it out of her hand and sat her down on the couch. "You need a drink, Scully?"

"A drink?" she asked her voice a little higher than she expected.

"To calm your nerves."

She looked once more through the window and saw nothing. "What if she doesn't come?'

Mulder got up and poured a shot of his vodka, he had stashed behind a few books. He handed it to her and she drank it quickly, gagging at the taste. He then handed her a few mints. He turned quickly at the sound of a car coming up the driveway. Horrified, Scully ran into the bedroom, quickly gargling with mouthwash. She came out in time for her mother to walk up the steps. Mulder hugged Maggie and showed her in.

"Mom," Scully said, her arms outstretched for her mother.

Maggie quickly grabbed her daughter and held her tightly. "Dana I missed you. Please forgive me..." They held each other for some time before letting one another go. "Sit down," Scully said, tears welling up in her eyes as she motioned for her mother to sit on the couch.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Mulder offered.

"No, no...I'm fine," Maggie smiled. Scully noticed then that her mother was thinner, her dark auburn hair was more gray, and her face though barely wrinkled had more worry lines drawn in it. She cupped her daughter's hand. Scully was taken aback by the feel of her mother's paper thin hands. She gripped them tightly, tears streaming down her face.

"Well, its been some time since I saw the two of you," Maggie said, her face red and tearful as well.

Mulder sat down next to Scully, she moved closer to him, so that her head rested against his shoulder. "Mom, I'm so glad you came. I really missed you."

"I missed you too Dana," her mother said, grabbing her daughter closer to her, kissing her on her forehead. "I missed you too Fox."

"Me too, Mrs. Scully," he said, gripping Mrs. Scully's hand.

"You live a long way...I've lived in this area a long time and never came this deep into Virginia."

"Not since the last time you visited," Scully said in a whisper.

"You moved so far away..." Mrs. Scully repeated.

"We had to go into hiding, mom. Mulder was wanted by the F.B. I. You remember I told you."

Maggie gripped her daughters hand tighter. "I do. He's not wanted anymore right?"

"No, they dropped the charges against me," Mulder answered.

"So you don't have to live so far away now?"

Scully turned towards Mulder and they both looked embarrassed. "Well, we like it out here," Mulder answered. "I always wanted to live out in the middle of no where," he joked.

"You still work at the hospital, Dana?"

"Yes, I still do, Mom."

"Fox, what do you do now?"

Mulder blushed and shifted, Scully leaned up as he shifted in his seat. "Well, I...well, I..."

"He's retired," Scully answered quickly. "He's an old man now, Mom," Scully smiled towards her mom. "Ha, ha, ha!," Mulder said meekly. Scully rested her hand on his leg and he calmed down.

"I wanted to see you Dana," Mrs. Scully spoke and Dana sat up, she could tell her mother was more serious in her tone. "I wanted to let you know how sorry I was for all these years of not supporting your decision with...with William."

"Mom, you don't have to say anything.," Scully said sighing. Mulder knew it was exactly what she needed to hear.

"I do though. Dana I have always supported you no matter what, when you joined the F.B.I. Your father and I never really wanted that for you but it made you happy and so I supported you. When you and Fox fell in love with each other I supported that too."

Mulder shifted again and Scully's hand got heavier upon his leg.

" When you had William and Mulder was gone, I supported you, and when you needed me the most, I did not. I'm sorry Dana. I had no right."

"Mom," Scully said, hugging her mother. "You did support me."

"No, Dana I didn't. And I have to ask your forgiveness Fox. I resented you for years now."

Mulder's eyes became wide, and he looked from Scully to her mother. "I resented you a long time for leaving my daughter and the baby to go on your quest. I didn't understand, I confess I still don't, but I do understand that you could not have know what would happen while you were gone."

"I thought I was protecting them," Mulder spoke, tears forming in the cracks of his eyes. Scully gripped his leg and he laid his head on her shoulder.

"I know that now," Maggie spoke. "Please forgive me. I let too much time go between us. I cannot get into heaven without having asked your forgiveness."

Scully smiled at her mother. "Thank You mom for that, you don't know what that means to me."

Maggie jumped up suddenly and Scully thought for a second that she was going to leave but she watched as her mother entered into the kitchen. She followed behind her aware that Mulder hadn't joined them, he instead was sitting quietly on the couch. "What can I make?" Maggie asked.

Scully smiled widely. "I miss your cooking, Mom."

"Good. I miss making it for you," she said, looking through their cabinets and fridge. Scully laughed out loud. "I'm afraid there's not much food in the house, mom. I don't get a chance to get to the grocery store too often with my busy schedule at the hospital and Mulder usually comes back with magazines," she said, shooting a glance in his direction. He still sat there staring off into the distance. "Excuse me mom, I'll be right back."

She walked over to Mulder and sat down next to him. Her long flowing strawberry blond hair hung in front of her face. Her hair had gotten lighter the older she got. "Mulder, please..."

"She's right, Scully," he said interrupting. "Can you forgive me too?"

She nuzzled her forehead up against his. "If you can forgive me?"

Mulder leaned in to her and pressed his lips against hers. "what's wrong with my magazines? They were on the list," he smiled. "They certainly were not," Scully grinned. She rose to go back into the kitchen but Mulder held her hand.

"I guess a trip to the grocery store is in order," Maggie said, calling from the kitchen.

"I'll go with you," Scully said, looking back at Mulder. "You want anything?"

He let go of her hand. "Yeah, you..."

Scully and her mother Maggie walked arm in arm into the grocery stores. Maggie grabbed the buggy and busied herself amongst the fruits. Scully tagged along, watching as her mother pinched this, pressed that. "So..." Maggie spoke. "When will there be a wedding?"

"Mom!" Scully said, surprised. "We haven't discussed it."

"Why not?" Maggie said, grabbing some broccoli. "Does he like broccoli?"

"Ah yeah," Scully answered.

"Why not?" she asked again, turning towards her daughter. Scully fidgeted under her mother's gaze. "I'm...not sure," she said, grabbing up a fresh pineapple. "Don't worry about paying for anything Mom, I've got it."

Mrs. Scully smiled and waved her daughter off. "What kind of meat does he like?"

"Any kind, Mom."

"Great, I think I want to make a pot roast for dinner."

"Great," Scully nodded, grabbing up some carrots, onions and potatoes.

"I forgot to tell you," Maggie said, walking up to Scully. "Charles son is graduating from college."

"Charles...which son? My god, where did the time go," Scully smiled, her eyes glittering.

"He wants to see you," her mother said.

"Where does he live now?" Scully said, following her mother down the aisle.

"California, not far from Bill, Tara and Matthew. Would you'd like to visit them?" Maggie asked.

"I have to talk to Mulder and get some time off from work," she said. "It sounds like fun, its been a few years since we..." Scully stopped in her tracks, staring at a teenage girl bagging the groceries. She had long strawberry blond hair the same length as Scully's, her blue eyes were bright blue and engaging. She was a pretty girl, just as Scully knew Emily would've been.

"Is something wrong? " Maggie asked.

"I see Emily everywhere...." she sighed. "I can't help it, every time I see a teenage girl with the same features, I miss her more and more."

Maggie dropped her head. She never really had feelings for Emily but she tried to understand her daughters need to grieve for her.

"I do the same thing with William," Scully continued. "I wish I could see him, even from a distance."

Maggie touched her daughter's hand. "You'll see him again, Dana. And you'll see Emily again too. She's in heaven now."

Scully touched her cross and smiled. "I can feel William sometimes...I can feel him just as if he's with me. I wonder if he can feel me?"

"Your a mother Dana, you will always have that connection."

"Mom," she said, looking into her mother's eyes. "I think we will go to California but I'm not just going to visit my brothers though. I think I need to go visit Emily's grave," she sighed.

Maggie was surprised but she nodded. "I understand, Dana, I do. I visit your father's grave and Missy's every week."

"Will you go with me Mom," she said, reaching out for her mother's hand. Mrs. Scully grasped it and held it tightly. "You can count on it!"

California:

Mulder opened the car doors for both Scully and Maggie. He popped the trunk of the rental car and placed their luggage in. He spat out a few sunflower seeds, and settled into the drivers seat, spitting a few more out the window as he drove. "Like old times, huh Scully? California, when was the last time we were here?"

She shrugged her shoulders and looked back at her mother. "You alright Mom?"

"I'm not a fan of planes," Maggie confessed. "Glad we landed safely."

"Yup, just in a few minutes we'll have several hours of awkward conversation," Mulder joked.

"Fox," Maggie said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You know where to go?"

Mulder pulled out the map, he fiddled with it, turning it upside down. Scully smiled, "Some things never change!"

"Ha," Mulder huffed. "Thank God for GPS."

"Yes, thank God," Scully laughed. "Hold on Mom, we'll be there soon."

"I never got us lost before Scully..."

"I know Mulder but that's because I knew how to read a map."

Mulder spit out a few more sunflower seeds. "I do too," he said, folding it up. "I'll make you my navigator."

Scully smiled and looked off. "God its like old times...I miss those sometimes."

Scully:

Its been so long since I've seen my brothers and their families. They haven't been the most supportive since Mulder and William...I can't even remember Charles sons names and I don't remember what Matthew looks like. it's not like they call. They do send Christmas gifts but year after year, there's more distance between us. I'm not looking forward to this. Thank God Mulder's here though I know he'll probably go through hell...Bill will be there and Charles. Mulder's never met Charles. What will he think of Mulder? I hope they'll understand when I need to go visit Emily's grave. Mulder still didn't understand... He had just sat there when I told him I wanted to visit her grave. When he did answer he said there was nothing left of her, no proof of her existence anymore...but I could still sit at her headstone and think about my daughter. I was her mother, I am her mother, no matter how Emily came into existence.

Mulder:

Geez, I'm nervous. Geez, two brothers! Bill already hates me...will Charles? I know she's here to see Emily's grave too. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess she needs to grieve but I just don't understand. William was our son, that I do understand but Emily was an experiment. She was born of Scully's ova born to an elderly woman in a nursing home...Scully never saw where Emily was born, she didn't know that Emily was just one of her offspring born and that I held her fetus in my hand, Emily was a human hybrid experiment. Emily had been a beautiful little girl though, she looked so much like Scully. Before we had become a couple, I would fantasize about a life with Scully, having children, coming home to her. I would wonder what children with Scully would look like and my mind would always go back to Emily...I could never imagine what a son would look like but William had been that fantasy come true. Goodness...just a few miles and her Two brothers...

Charles' Home:

Mulder opened the car doors for Scully and Maggie. Charles ran out of his front door , his family trailing behind him. Mulder glanced up surprised to see how much he looked like Scully. Charles was shorter than Bill, he had dark auburn hair and a smile similar to Scully's. Charles hugged his older sister. "Dana, its been too many years."

"My god, Charles," she said, looking up to him. "you're so handsome!" She said noticing the graying around his temples.

"And you're beautiful!" he said, looking her over. "You remember my wife and sons?"

Scully hugged them tightly. Her two red headed nephews towered over her. "They look just like you," she said. She turned towards Mulder. "Charles, this is Mulder."

Charles shook Mulder's hand. "Nice to meet you. We should've met years ago."

Mulder shook his hand. "Nice to meet you too."

Mulder spotted Bill walking towards them. Scully grabbed Mulder's hand as her brother approached. Mulder looked at her and then waited for Bills approach, he tossed a few spent sunflower seeds on the ground. Bills red hair had white streaks and he walked with a slight limp up to his sister, grabbing her up, hugging her tightly. "I've miss you Dana." He shook Mulder's hand. "Good seeing you," Bill said as cordially as he could. "Good to see you too," Mulder whispered.

"Mom!" Charles said, hugging Maggie. She teared up seeing her youngest son. "We're all together again," she announced.

Her grandchildren hugged her including Matthew. Scully ruffled Matthew's hair. "Tara, he's grown so much." Tara, Bill's wife, hugged Scully tightly. "We've missed you Dana."

Bill stood at the grill, flipping burgers, occasionally glancing towards Mulder. Mulder sipped on his beer, sitting across from Charles who was drinking an ice ,cold beer as well. Scully sat at the patio table surrounded by her two sister-n-laws and her mother and they were all laughing, occasionally stopping to shout at a child or direct one of the men. Charles turned towards Mulder. "So, you're retired from the F.B.I now, my mother told me."

"Yes, you can say that," Mulder said, loosening his tie. He wore a nice tailored suit, a blue shirt and the tie Scully had given him for his birthday. "What line of work are you in, Charles?"

"We're a military family. Following in our old man's footsteps."

"Its something we're proud of," Bill interjected.

"That's right," Charles nodded. "You know I've always been proud of Dana, even when she was in the FBI. Its the work ethic drilled into us by dad."

Bill huffed, shooting a look towards Mulder, as he walked towards the kitchen with a platter full of burgers.

" Don't mind Bill," Charles whispered towards Mulder. "Dana and I were very close when we were children. I support her no matter what she does. We're all proud of her being a doctor though, that was her childhood dream."

"Really?" Mulder said, sipping hard on his beer.

"Yes, very proud of her," Charles said, handing Mulder a fresher beer. "So when are you two getting married, I mean...you've been together for how many years? You've live together for years now, and even had a child...so when will you pop the question?"

Mulder expected that question to come up. He could see Scully's attention was in his direction, watching her brother carefully. Mulder winked at her. He just smiled at Charles as he gulped down more of the beer. Charles waited for the answer but soon figured that Mulder wasn't going to answer it. Charles sat back in his chair and changed the subject to sports.

The Grave:

After the family had visited for a few days, Mulder had taken Scully and Maggie to Emily's grave site. Scully placed flowers on her daughter's grave. Her face was crimson and flushed as she cried sitting in the grass, touching the headstone. Maggie stood back giving Scully some space. Mulder stood next to Scully, his heart breaking as he watched her cry. He didn't know what to say to her. He sat down next to her and put his arm around her, she laid her head against him. "When do you stop grieving the lost of your child?" she asked.

Maggie moved up to her and held her hand. "You don't...I still miss your sister everyday. there's a hole in my heart. It gets easier though, it does. You'll never get over it though."

Scully stood up and hugged her mother, crying into her shoulder. "I know you know how I feel," she sighed.

"Yes I do," Maggie said. "Dana your gonna have to let him in, lean on him, you can't keep this to yourself. He will understand..."

Scully leaned up, wiping her tears and nodding her head. Mulder stood up and Scully turned to him. He held her tightly, not saying anything as she cried into his chest. "Scully...I...." he choked. "I'll be here for you."

Scully nodded, wiping her tears. She pulled out a copy she'd made of Emily's photo and placed it on her grave. "I loved her," she whispered. "Goodbye Emily..."

She took Mulder's hand and walked with him to the car, her mother trailing behind them. Scully stopped and looked back once more. "Your in my heart forever," she said.

Mulder sighed, choking back his tears... heart ached for her but he had to keep strong for her. She needed him to do that.

Scully laid down straining to recognize the shapes of the bedroom in the dark. She listened to the low snoring next to her, she could hear Mulder mumble as he shifted, his arm grasping for her. She touched his hand and the mumbling stopped, he was fast asleep again. She had hoped that visiting Emily's grave a few weeks before would quell her emotions. She hoped that she would no longer see Emily's face or William in every boy she treated as a doctor, or every child she saw but that hadn't happened. Mulder had been the insomniac in the past but for the last few weeks she now was. She hid her baggy eyes behind makeup, careful to blend it in so no one would know. Mulder had been busy lately, since the Lone Gunmen had died a few years ago, he had taken up their cause, he was a free lance investigator now, getting a few calls to check on ghosts or abductions. He still wrote occasionally under his alias like he did when he worked for the FBI, he was more content in the last few weeks than he'd been in a long time so she didn't want to worry him. With him distracted, she could focus more on her feelings, on her nightmares, on her fears and not his. She had always pushed her feelings aside and hid them within, focusing more on Mulder's causes, and that hadn't changed but if she didn't deal with her feelings herself she would always be haunted by Emily and William...it was time she talked to someone outside of Mulder...

Scully didn't know whom she could talk too. At work she kept to herself, she wasn't very social. Years of working in the basement depending only upon Mulder, she thought to herself. All the other doctors and nurses would share photos of their families, discuss their plans for holidays and would even visit each other socially but she had never participated in that. How could she? They knew she lived with Mulder, they've seen them together at work many times or when he dropped her off at work or picked her up, but she never went into details. They knew she wasn't married and she knew they disapproved esp. the nuns and priests but no one had ever confronted her so she ignored it all but whenever she saw them pull out photos of their children, her heart would sink. How could she ever explain to them that she too was a mother? A mother of two? What would she say...

Yes, I had a daughter, she was beautiful little girl but she had died...you see she was born to someone else from my ova that was taken from me when I was abducted by aliens which left me barren...she was created in a lab...she was an alien hybrid not meant to be but I somehow found her when her adoptive parents were murdered ...Oh and I had a son naturally, except that I was barren so we didn't worry about using protection...but surprise, I was pregnant except that the father, the man I love and live with now was abducted and was returned to me dead, but later he came back to life and we had him but our son was more human than human, he was part me, part Mulder, and part alien...but his uncle, his father's half brother gave him the gift of humanness but we couldn't protect him so I gave him up...Scully sighed..."I think too much," she said out loud.

Mulder turned over, trying to focus his gaze on Scully. "what's wrong?"

"Go back to sleep Mulder. I'm fine."

Mulder heard the words, "I'm fine," and sat up more concerned. "Okay, Scully, what's wrong?" he asked." You're awake again...you haven't been sleeping since we came back from California."

"How'd you know?" she asked, surprised.

He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her closer to him. He could see her blue eyes in the dark and he kissed her on the nose. "I know you...I know your trying to cover it up with makeup and I know you've been drinking stronger coffee than you usually do..."

Scully could feel his hot breath on her face and she sighed, "Its nothing...nothing you can do anything about, don't you have a case to work on in the morning?"

Mulder gripped her tighter. "You're not gonna tell me what it is?"

Scully turned her back to him and laid down on his muscular arm. "Maybe I should prescribe myself some sleeping pills."

"that's not gonna solve the problem!" he said, kissing her neck. "Scully, you promised your mother you'd share more with me and not keep everything in..."

You have secrets, she thought to herself. I know you're trying to find William, I know your cases are half investigations and half leads to find William. You keep that from me, I know you too...she thought.

"I...." she hesitated. "I think I need to talk to someone."

Mulder sat up his arm slipping from underneath her head. "You can't talk to me?"

"it's not that," she said, touching his face. "it's not that..."

"Scully, I'm a psychologist!"

She kissed him to calm him. "I know," she whispered. "Please understand, Mulder. I just need to talk it out with someone outside of us..."

He switched on the lamp, the light blinded them for a few seconds. Scully got up from the bed heading towards the kitchen. Mulder sat staring at the clock. It was 4 am. He could hear her fumbling around in the kitchen and he knew she was fixing herself a warm cup of milk. She returned to her side of the bed and looked over at Mulder. He wasn't looking at her and she knew that he was very troubled. "You're mad at me..."

Mulder sat back against the headboard. He turned towards her. "Why do you need to talk to someone outside of us?"

"Because it involves us...Mulder, I need to get out of my own head!" she said, looking up to him. "How long have we been isolated from others...its been years. I used to have girlfriends I would hang out with but you became my world and it was just the two of us to love and depend on. I just need to have someone tell me I'm not crazy for feeling how I do. I can't tell them everything though, of course..."

Mulder crossed his arms, his eyes were narrowed and he nodded. "I think I understand..."

She turned her back towards him and pulled her long reddish hair into a pony tail. "You do?" she asked, turning toward him. He moved up behind her in the bed, and tugged at her ponytail until her hair fell back down to her back. "Mulder..."

He slid his long arms around her waist, she was still so petite and fragile, he loved the way she felt in his arms. No other woman had ever fit into his arms like she did. Scully's heart fluttered as he pulled her in, it was amazing to her how safe she instantly felt in the those arms, she always had. Scully sighed, leaning into his chest. "Are you okay with me seeing a psychiatrist Mulder?"

Mulder breathed her in. "Alright, do you want me to drive you in the morning?"

"Don't you have some place to go?" she asked, twisting to face him.

"No," he smiled. "Not now..."

Mulder paced the floor, walking over to the window. Scully sat in the chairs, skimming through the magazines. She tried not to look at the other 'patients'. They kept their eyes on Mulder, who continued to walk around nervously. "Are you sure you want to go in there alone?" he asked, pulling at his tie. She grabbed his hand as he walked past her."Mulder, sit down," she whispered.

He looked around at the waiting room, a woman sat with a young son gripping her purse every time Mulder came near her. He sat down next to Scully pulling out a fresh pack of sunflower seeds and placed a few in his mouth. She looked up at him. "Mulder, I'll be fine. How many times have we gone to doctors?"

"This is different! Scully, its a shrink!"

"Why because its me and not you," she smiled. Mulder looked her over. "Actually, yes, its you and not me. It would make more sense with me but you..."

She met his eyes. "I need to stop grieving and move past things, Mulder. I need to really let Emily go..."

"And William?" he asked, touching her hand. "You can't let him go..."

She shook her head. "No, of course not," she said breathlessly. "But I need to let go of my guilt when it comes to William," she said, rubbing her fingers against his pants leg. "I know you're looking for him, Mulder..."

Stunned, Mulder coughed. "How'd...how'd you know?"

An older man opened his door, his eyes staring at the manila folder in his hand. "Dana Scully?" he asked, glancing to each person.

Scully stood up but Mulder held her hand. "I'm fine, Mulder," she said, wringing her hand out of his grip. He sat there a moment. The woman with the child looked at him sympathetically and he shot a nervous grin in her direction. The woman returned the smile. "Your wife will be fine," she said. "He's a great doctor..."

"that's good," Mulder nodded. "I'm glad..."

1 hr...1 hr and counting...Mulder thought to himself. Why wouldn't she let me at least sit in...no, no...don't start Mulder...Mulder shifted in his seat, he glanced out the window, sat back down and thumbed through magazines, finally tossing it to the seat next to him. The door opened and Scully walked out. Mulder jumped to his feet and grabbed her hand, she was clutching a tissue with her other hand. Without looking at Mulder, she turned to the doctor and waved. "Thank You, Dr. Stevens."

Dr. Stevens continued staring in his hands at another manila folder and spoke without glancing up, "I'll see you next week Dr. Scully."

Scully turned to Mulder, his hand still clutching hers. "What did he say?" he blurted out. Scully had been crying, her eyes still watery. She tried to straighten her face as she clutched a tissue wiping the tears away. "I'll tell you in a second," she said, pulling Mulder out of the waiting room. Impatiently, he snatched the tissue out of her hand. She gave him a look and Mulder's mouth tightened. "Well, what did he say?"

Scully stood against the wall, waiting for others to pass by until they were alone in the hallway. "He said it was the normal grieving process..."

"The normal grieving process...." Mulder sneered. "And?"

"He said in the case of Emily, it's normal to grieve the death of a child and that over time it won't be so strong though the pain will always be there."

Mulder looked disoriented. "You lost Emily how many years ago?"

Scully rolled her eyes. "Mulder," she said, "There are parents that grieve for 20 plus years...it depends on the individual..."

"Yeah," he said, slightly annoyed. I could've told you that, he thought to himself.

"SO," she said, her patience wearing thin. "He said in the case of William, he said that birth parents often have guilt from giving up their children. He said its normal. He said there was often a lot of shame that birth parents feel and that if we don't talk out our problems," she said, sighing. "We can risk our relationship."

"Scully, we don't have a problem with our relationship!"

She touched his chest, "He wasn't saying that we have problems now but that if I keep feeling all this guilt bottled up inside of me not sharing it with you it can cause a rip between us..."

Mulder studied her face. "So will you start sharing your feelings with me?"

"You know how hard it is for me to do that," she sighed, her eyes lowered.

"Yeah...you say, 'I'm fine', you've told me that for years. I used to be afraid to dig deeper, afraid I'd push you away but now I just need to know. Scully you depend on me just as I depend on you but we can't keep things from each other..."

"Like the fact that your searching for William and keeping that from me?"

Mulder shifted his weight. "Do you blame me? I just need to know he's okay for you and me..."

"Why did you hide it from me?" she asked, pushing a strand of reddish hair back from her face.

Mulder looked down into her eyes. "I didn't want you to get your hopes up...not until I found him. Do you know what it does to me to see your face every time a little boy walks by with my hair color or yours with blue eyes...or even a girl with red or blond hair...I think it hurts me more than how you use to look when you knew you couldn't have children, Scully."

She folded her arms together. She stood next to him her red head barely reaching his shoulder. She wore black slacks and a blue top that showed off her figure and it felt like her clothes were tightening against her. Mulder had revealed something very personal and it angered her.

"Did you hear me, Scully?" he asked, watching as her face stiffened. "I said, it hurts me to see you go through that...that's why I didn't want to tell you I've been searching for William."

"I heard you," she said, looking at the floor. "I know it hurts you, I know you don't want me to be sad or..."

"It kills me," he interrupted. "Scully, he was my son too."

She looked up at that, surprised. He continued to speak, "You're not in this alone."

"No, no I'm not..."

"Then let me in," he said, grasping her hand. She looked into Mulder's eyes and she could see tears forming. "I will...I'll let you in. No more secrets. Well...I don't want to know about any tips or sightings until you find him, really find him. I know you will, Mulder. I also know you need to do that. As for me, I need to focus on my patients and our lives together. I'll let you try to find him and I won't question you...I know that one day we'll find him somehow though and then I can deal with it but no, I don't want to get my hopes up, that would be too painful."

He gathered her up in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "Alright, we'll do that," he said releasing her. She put her hand in his and he started leading her down the hall. "So, are you going back to the good doctor?," he said, turning towards her.

"No, I don't think so," she said, as they walked to their car.

"Why not?"

"He wasn't that attentive," she smiled. "Of course I'm used to that," she said shooting a look in Mulder's direction.

"Ah!" he said, opening her door. He slid into the drivers seat and sat there. "So no more visits to talk things out with someone 'outside of us'?"

She smiled meekly. "Actually, I liked talking things out but I think I better find someone who doesn't remind me so much of you..."

"But he's an old man...how does he remind you of me?"

"Oh, definitely not physically," she smiled wickedly.

Mulder sat up. "Well that's a good thing!"

"I just need to find someone to talk too that, you know...listens...." she giggled.

"Ah!" he nodded. "I listen Scully...eventually..."

Scully held Mulder's hand. "I feel much better Mulder. I'm actually pretty tired. Get us home, I think I need to go to sleep..."

The End