Title: Do Believe
Author: Debunker77
Date: Oct 30, 2000
Spoilers: up through Requiem
Timeline: post-Requiem
Rating: PG-13? (partial and implied nudity)

Summary: Mulder's gone. Scully's pregnant and reading Moby Dick.

Notes: This doesn't feel completely finished, but with only a week to go until the premiere, I thought I'd post it anyway Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated Thanks and love to Amber and FirePhile for their feedback.

"Let faith oust fact; let fancy oust memory; I look deep down and do believe."
- Herman Melville, Moby Dick

The last time she read this book was after the Big Blue case, after she discovered that Mulder knows the book well enough to quote from it. She's amazed to realize that that was almost four years ago.

"And if we obey God, we must disobey ourselves; and it is in this disobeying ourselves, wherein the hardness of obeying God consists."

She knows Mulder is alive. It's like when she and Missy were young and inseparable, so close they could finish each other's sentences. She and Mulder complete each other, and she would feel the phantom ache of his loss if he were no longer living.

She knows he is alive, but that hasn't stopped her from questioning God. "Why take him from me now?" she silently asks as she sits on her couch reading. She has asked the same question upon waking from nightmares and after spending days following futile leads on his whereabouts. She's still waiting for an answer.

She wonders if this is why Mulder has never put much faith in organized religion. He simply has too much faith in his own beliefs to spare any for other people's perceptions of God. For him to believe in her God as absolutely as she does would cost him too much, and then he wouldn't be the same person she has grown to love.

"Hell is an idea first born on an undigested apple-dumpling."

She comes across the line he quoted to her that night and she smiles. They were wet and cold and sitting on a giant rock in the middle of nowhere, but she remembers that night with fondness. She felt vulnerable then, revealing to her partner that her father called her Starbuck, afraid that he would make fun of her or belittle her. She didn't think he took the conversation as seriously as she did, but he hadn't made fun of her...just of their situation. They thought they were stranded in the middle of a lake in the dead of night and he was trying to lighten the mood, to make things seem less dire. That is what he does. So she smiles.

She awakens quickly, momentarily forgetting how she got here. She moves the blanket that covers her and stands up, goes into his bedroom. He is sleeping. She takes off her jacket and skirt, her pantyhose and sweater and then lays down beside him on the bed. She is under his covers, on her left side, and she watches him sleep. She eventually falls asleep herself.

She wakes up for the second time because she feels pressure on her back. Her mind opens before her eyes do and she understands that the sensation is his hand tracing circles on her skin. She slowly opens her eyes and sees him watching her. She smiles. He smiles. She puts her hand over his heart. He pulls her closer to him. Her smile gets bigger.

"Hi, Scully."


"When did you get here?"

"I've been here for years, Mulder." He quirks his eyebrows as if to say, "Oh, really?" She keeps on smiling at him.

"Me, too, Scully," he whispers across her lips.

"But man, in the ideal, is so noble and so sparkling, such a grand and glowing creature, that over any ignominious blemish in him all his fellows should run to throw their costliest robes."

This is Mulder, she thinks. Mulder at his best. Noble and sparkling. Like when he rescued her in Antarctica. She had been more or less out of it at the time, exhausted and confused, but once they returned home the knowledge of what he did for her would hit her at strange moments, bringing her to her knees. This man would sacrifice himself completely for her. The depth of his love was still hard to comprehend sometimes, but the fact of it was the thing that kept her grounded and pushed her forward.

"Starbuck now is mine; cannot oppose me now, without rebellion."

She reads these words spoken by Ahab and thinks of her father. She read this book after his death. Then, these words made her ache with doubt. She had told Mulder that she knew her father was proud of her, but in the blackness of her apartment she wasn't always sure. She wonders if she understood these words as a girl, when her father read them to her. She doesn't think she comprehended them then; all she knows is that she would wait for the nights when he pulled that old, heavy book off of the shelf and lulled her to sleep with his deep voice.

Was it his intention to keep her tied to him, to try to coax her to lead a life of his choosing? The father she remembers was not a selfish man, but he never read this book to Bill or Missy or Charlie. Were these words, hidden in her subconscious, the reason she felt so guilty for joining the FBI? Did she do it intentionally to show him that it wasn't fair to expect more sacrifice from her than from her siblings? These questions pass through her mind fleetingly now because she no longer doubts her decisions. She knows that she was meant to be where she is. She only wishes her father could be here to see it.

"But in pursuit of those far mysteries we dream of, or in tormented chase of that demon phantom that, some time or other, swims before all human hearts; while chasing such over this round globe, they either lead us on in barren mazes or midway leave us whelmed."

This is us, she thinks. Fumbling through barren mazes for years, then awestruck and overwhelmed by a miracle. She and Mulder have been chasing demons forever. Always chasing something. But he told her in Oregon that he wants her to stop. She was too tired and too comfortable in his arms and in his bed to ask him if he would stop with her. She always thought Mulder would chase phantoms forever, but now she's certain of little. She never thought she'd be pregnant and alone. She never thought Skinner would tell her that he saw Mulder fly off in a space ship.

"I won't let you go alone," she tells him, her lips almost brushing his neck, her arms wrapped around him. He squeezes her tighter and she says it again: "I won't let you go alone." This time her voice is more steady, more fierce. Her mind is racing to find the solution as her body prepares for the physical loss of him. The Gunmen or Skinner, she thinks, who should I choose to be his protector in my place?

"Skinner will go with you, Mulder. He'll help us." She turns her head and inhales, her nose touching his neck, his scent making it all real. She can't go with him. She knows he is right. She has to let him go.

"Mulder," she says to him, just to reassure them both that they are still here, still standing in a hallway at work, inches away from a room full of friends and enemies. They are both afraid to let go.

"Mulder, I"ll be with you. Don't forget that."

"I know, Scully. You always are."

She steps back and raises her arms to her neck. She unclasps her necklace and brings her hands to his neck, encircling him in her arms again, locking her sign of faith, strength, survival around him.

She pulls back and looks at him. He reads her unspoken message: Mulder, I want you to bring this back to me again.

She reads his in return: I will, Scully. I promise.

"For as this appalling ocean surrounds the verdant land, so in the soul of man there lies one insular Tahiti, full of peace and joy, but encompassed by all the horrors of the half known life."

This is me, she thinks, and her heart breaks again. Complete joy centered in her womb, surrounded by the horror of everything else. Mulder is gone and she doesn't know when he'll be returned. She feels helpless. She worries that the baby will be a target. She doesn't know how she's been able to survive this emotional tug-of-war. She only knows that she must.

"But clear Truth is a thing for salamander giants only to encounter; how small the chances for the provincials then?"

She chuckles and marks the page so that she can read this to Mulder when he comes back. The Mulder she met eight years ago would never have accepted that they couldn't find the truth; he probably blocked this line from his memory. She's not so sure what he would say now. She's afraid of what he will say when he returns.

"But by her still halting course and winding, woful way, you plainly saw that this ship so wept with spray, still remained without comfort. She was Rachel, weeping for her children, because they were not."

Tears run down her cheeks after reading this chapter. The Pequod refused to help The Rachel. How could Ahab refuse to help another father find his children? She knows the pain of losing a child. How much greater would that pain have been if she had given birth to Emily and watched her develop as a person? She knows the pain of losing Mulder. She prays that she never encounters a person like Ahab, too selfish to help her find her loved ones. She will keep looking for Mulder no matter the odds, just as The Rachel will sail on in search of her lost ones.

"Let me look into a human eye; it is better than to gaze into sea or sky; better than to gaze upon God...this is the magic glass, man."

Her magic glass is made of greens and golds. And she would give anything to look into it now. Some nights she dreams that the baby has Mulder's eyes; other nights she sees her own eyes looking back at her. On bad days, days when everything seems to be stuck in reverse and no progress is made, she hopes for a little boy who looks just like his father. But it is easier to picture Mulder holding a baby girl and being wrapped around her finger from the start. She wonders what names he likes, wonders if he ever thought about what he would name his kids someday. They never got around to that conversation.

They are lying in bed, on their sides, face to face, hidden under the covers. They are warm and on the verge of sleep. Mulder kisses her right eyebrow so she kisses his.

"Mulder, do you ever wonder...did you ever think about having kids?"

"Sure." He kisses her below her left eye and she reciprocates.

"Does it ever bother you...that we won't be able to have our own children?"

His lips were on their way to her nose, but he stops and looks her dead in the eyes.

"God, yes. Scully, you are the only woman I've ever seen as the mother of my children. It tears me apart that I won't be able to watch our baby growing inside of you."

Her eyes are shining now and all she knows how to do is hold onto him forever.

"Thank you for telling me that, Mulder."

"It's just the truth, Scully."

She talks to him at night when she is trying to fall asleep--discusses names and new houses and doctor visits and dreams. Tonight she will tell him about the name Rachel and magic glass.

The End

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