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Title: Autumn Moods Summary: Scully must deal with returning to work while Mulder considers other options pertaining to the X-Files. October 13, 2001 I stir out of my dreamless sleep to hear Scully with our son in the other room, happily conspiring together on something. They do this early in the morning. I've heard many one-sided conversations over the last few months. This is my favorite time of day. I listen in on chatter and cooing between mother and son and gain insight into what a wonderful woman and mother Scully is. Not that I didn't already know what a wonderful, brilliant woman she is. It's just now I know a whole new person. The person Scully has become as a mother. A mother to my son, I might add. I am still amazed by that. I am amazed by her. I can hear them coming my way. Not wanting them to know I'm in on whatever plot they have, I bury myself under pillows and blankets. "Happy Birthday, Daddy!" Scully says, while Christopher coos something. "Uggh!" "Come on, Mulder. Get your head out of under those pillows. Christopher has a present for you." "I hope it's better than his usual 'presents'." "Oh, I'm sure you will like this one. Do we have to go in there and bring you out?" "I'm not having a birthday this year," I say, it all of a sudden dawning on me what birthday this is. "Why? Because you are forty? I didn't know you were so sensitive about turning forty." "I'm not," I say with a sigh, while I try to dig my way out of the tangle of blankets. "Hurry up, Mulder, or you and Christopher will miss your daily 'Pinky and the Brain' re-run." Every morning, Scully gets up early and feeds Christopher. Then I take him and watch the news or cartoons for a half and hour while she gets some more rest or gets dressed. Then I get ready for work, such that it is these days. "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?" I say, not expecting her to really say anything. "I think so, Brain, but do you really think it will fit in the breast pump?" she says back. I laugh. Obviously a few nights of Christopher sleeping from 11 p.m. to 6 a.m. has done her sense of humor a lot of good. I throw off the rest of the blankets to find her sitting on the edge of the bed with the baby in her arms. He is nibbling on the edge of a gift box and getting drool everywhere. I sit up and take him in my arms and kiss him. "Good morning, Sunshine. What did you get your old man for his fortieth birthday?" I ask, gently removing his tiny fingers from the box he is clutching. He coos and gurgles at me. Then he spits up some of his breakfast on to the T-shirt I'm wearing. "Just what I always wanted, buddy!" "Sorry about that," Scully says, jumping up to get a cloth to clean it up. "Don't worry about it. A little partially digested human milk is good in the morning." I say, grabbing the rag she has brought me. Scully takes him back and attempts to burp him again over her shoulder while I dig into the package. I open the box and hold up a new necktie. "Thank you, Christopher! I thought I'd have to wait until Father's Day to get a new tie." "There's more in the box. Look under the tissue paper," she says. I find two Redskins tickets for next Sunday's game. "Wow! Chris, did you get a part-time job I don't know about?" I ask as my three month old son just gives me the sweetest, toothless baby smile. "Isn't he a little young for football, Scully?" "My mother said she would baby-sit if I wanted her to, that is, if you are taking me. You can go with anybody you would like to. It doesn't have to be me." "An afternoon with just you? A whole afternoon of you and me, alone?" "Well, me and a few thousand fans, but I guess so." "I hope the game goes into overtime." She puts Christopher down between us and, propped on one elbow, watches me play with his little feet. "My mother also said she would baby-sit tonight if we wanted to go out." "That sounds nice. I'll try to get back early." "Get back? It's Saturday? I didn't know you were working this weekend?" she asks, as I realize I forgot to tell her I have somewhere to go. "I just have to fly down to Atlanta to check on something. I will try to get back early. It shouldn't take too long. It just came up last night right before I left work and I should have told you." "Anything important?" she asks. "I do nothing important anymore, Scully. You know that," I say, trying not to let my real feelings bubble up into my voice. "I'm sorry," she says. I honestly believe she is. "Do you remember what happened a year ago today, Scully?" "You turned thirty-nine?" "Anything else?" "Hurricane Chris blew across Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama unexpectedly, well, at least to us, and caused 1.1 billion or so dollars in damage in less than twelve hours?" "Anything else?" "Well, it did leave us unscathed." "Unscathed?" "Almost unscathed, anyway," she says, holding on to one of Christopher's hands. "I'm glad you remember." "How could I forget." October 13, 2001 "The least your daddy could do is call, Christopher. We could have gotten hot dates for tonight, or at least a pizza but instead we are waiting for him," I say to my son, who just watches me with his intense, slate-blue eyes. They are slowly making their way to a familiar shade of hazel. He could call. It was bad enough he didn't bother to tell me about this trip until this morning. Now I can't seem to find him anywhere. I used to be part of that life. Everybody else has called today. Mulder's mother even called twice. My mother keeps checking to see if she has to baby-sit. It appears that I've been ditched for an entirely new purpose. Ditched due to motherhood. Now I am at home with my son, pondering a career that's at a standstill. My extended leave ends a the beginning of November and I am still at a loss for what my next move will be. I am supposed to meet with Skinner next week. Mulder doesn't know this yet. Practical reasoning would suggest I return to Quantico. That would be the best thing. Mulder has yet to return to his X-Files, instead choosing to work on a terrorism detail for awhile. It was the easiest way to avoid conflict for right now. He's not happy at work. I am not exactly happy being away from work. I pull my son to my breast to nurse him. We discussed the prospect of my giving it all up to raise our son. As much as I love Christopher, I feel I would lose too much of myself if I chose that route. Although I have the utmost respect for the woman who can do that, I need to be more than Mommy. My mother has agreed to watch Christopher when I return to work. Eventually, I will adjust to the idea of daycare, but that seems so impersonal right now. It also invokes a fear inside of me that I cannot squelch. One unguarded moment and he could be gone. I look down at my child who is now sleeping while he suckles at my breast. Just the thought of him takes my breath away. I had never really believed in love at first sight until I saw him. His father was a long, slow burn cascading into what we now call love, but this was immediate. I remove my sleeping baby from my breast, get up and gently place him into his cradle. I sit down on my bed and watch him. He is getting too big for his cradle. We need to move to a larger place, where Christopher can have his own room. The commitment to combine our lives in such a way looms as large as having a baby together did. I wish he would call and let me know what's going on. It has moved on beyond just needing to know if he is fine to needing to tell him about Christopher's life that day. He's only been gone three times since he went back to work. The phone rings and I lunge to answer it before it wakes the baby. "Hello," I say in a whisper, sneaking out of the bedroom. "Scully, it's me," he says, his voice already asking for forgiveness. "Where are you, Mulder?" I ask, not yet ready to forgive. "I'm stuck in Atlanta. This was messier than I thought." "Oh? What's up?" I ask, suddenly missing my old life more than I thought. "I've been at the CDC all day. There was a threat of biological terrorism here and it came to a head today." "At the CDC?" "Crazy world, isn't it?" "Is everything ok?" "So far. Scully, I could have really used you here today." "Thank you," I say, truly happy my absence has been recognized. We talk for a few minutes about what details he can tell me about the case. I tell him about how many times his mother has called. He isn't impressed with her efforts. He lets me know the number where he is in case there is an emergency. "How is Christopher?" He finally asks. "Oh, he's getting used to his father's strange work habits. He's doing fine, Mulder. I just hope he sleeps through the night without you here." "I will be out of here in the morning. Can I take a raincheck on dinner?" "Sure, if I can arrange a baby sitter. I will see you tomorrow. Goodnight." "Goodnight, Scully." I hang up the phone, get a glass of ice water from the refrigerator and sit down on my couch. It is almost like my old life. Single and alone on a Saturday night. I should have appreciated it more, I think, and then feel guilty. I suppose someday Mulder will want to have sex again. Probably with me. Not that this is an objectionable proposition, it's just that since I was seven months pregnant, I haven't felt like it. Even after that initial 'six week' waiting time, I still am just not inspired. After being in such intimate contact with Christopher all day, I feel as if I am in intimacy overload. I just do not want one more person touching me. Since many couples have more than one child, I imagine this will change in a year or so. Maybe. I don't know what is wrong with me. I try to call him back an hour later, just to talk to him, to hear his voice, but there is no answer in his room. I don't leave a message. October 13, 2001 After hanging up the phone, I get undressed to take a shower. I can feel all those biological entities that were discussed today crawling all over me. I feel like a bastard for not making it back home, but I got overly involved with this case. I've never been one to do things half way and this was the first interesting case thrown my way in a long time. At least I had the luxury of taking time off after Christopher was born and I was there when Scully went through the baby blues. Of course, she had screaming neon baby blues. I finish my shower, turn off the lights and climb naked into my cold hotel bed. It is so quiet here. I should appreciate it, but I can't. I miss him. I miss her. I miss them. I wonder if Scully will ever want to have sex again. With me, that is. It has been awhile. Not that I didn't go for years without it, just now that I've had it, I want more. What has it been? Only five months. That isn't that long. I just have to resort to those old fantasies I have of her. The ones that kept me going for so long before. I have a few favorites...but I'm too tired to actively participate in any way right now. I start to drift off to sleep and begin to dream. Scully is sleeping on my black couch. She is wearing a deep hunter green strapless dress, which is fitted tightly across her full bust line and cinches in her waist just perfectly. She is barefoot and the contrast of her skin against the black leather is amazing. She is the color of bisque porcelain. She wakes up and discovers that I am watching her. She stands up, and I notice the dress is shorter than what she usually wears. There's hardly a back to it on top, just several cris-crossing straps. She is beautiful. She slips into a pair of strappy black heels that bring her slightly closer to my height. She grabs me and tells me we have to go somewhere. I say I'm not dressed right, but she tells me I'm fine for where we are going. Next thing I know we are somewhere smoky and she is playing poker and smoking a cigar. Latin music fills the air and she is at a table of older men wearing guayabera shirts and talking in Spanish. She understands them and carries on a very lively conversation with them. I don't know what to say to her. She wins every hand dealt her and the old men laugh along with her. A young waiter comes over to her and she flirts shamelessly with him, not paying any attention to me. He brings her and the rest of the men at the table a bottle of tequila. She quickly swallows a shot of tequila, leaving a drop of it on her lips. I'm dying just to ask for a taste, but not of the tequila. Of her. She licks her lips and drives me mad. I lean in and ask "How did you learn to play? Strip poker in college?" She laughs and says with a wink, "It wasn't college." I wake up from my dream with a start. I haven't even asked her about sex since Christopher was born. Does she think about it? So many years we went with only touches and glances and a slight kiss. Then there was that stormy night in Louisiana. I don't know if she would have done it if she hadn't had that mysterious, rainy visit with the Alien Insemination Corporation before hand. What did happen out there? The child is obviously mine, but how? She doesn't even know and I will probably never know, either. Just one more thing I don't have the answers for.. My desire for her is making it impossible to sleep, so I get up and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt and head downstairs to the hotel bar. One thing is for sure, this assignment allows for better accommodations. I sit in the bar and order a club soda, feeling too guilty again to order alcohol. Scully won't even drink anything with caffeine in it now that she is nursing Christopher. "Fox?" a voice asks from behind me. I turn around to discover Special Agent Diana Fowley. "Diana...how are you?" I ask, surprised to see her here. Then again, with Diana, anything is possible. For a whole year, I lived with the belief she was dead only to discover it had been some FBI attempt to protect her life. A trade-off for saving mine. "Fine. I'm doing fine. So I hear you are on terrorism again," she says, sitting down next to me. "For now. But you are the expert," I say smuggly. "They called me in this afternoon. I've been in Denver for two months now handling the rash of small bombings there. I was quite surprised to discover who helped clear this thing up by the time I got here." "Just doing my job." "So, is it really true?" she asks with a gleam in her brown eyes. "Is what really true?" I ask. "That you are a daddy? I heard the rumor all the way out west." "It's not a rumor. His name is Christopher. He's three months old now and he's the most beautiful person on earth. You want to see pictures?" I ask, reaching for my wallet to show her the pictures. "No, that's okay. And his mother is...?" I laugh. How could this part of the story not make it with the rest? "Scully." She just sits back on her barstool and looks away from me. "Hmm. I didn't think you two were involved." "We weren't." "Did you marry the girl, Fox?" she asks, touching my hand that so long ago had a wedding band on it. "I asked. She said no." "So you are still single?" "No." Diana says nothing for a minute. "So, what happened to the X-Files?" she finally asks, breaking the silence. "I had to temporarily put them on the back burner. Just until my...our life settles down. I don't have a partner right now. One hasn't been assigned to me, yet." She looks contemplative, and I am certain she wants to ask more, but doesn't know what I will or will not answer. She stands up without ever ordering anything. "Well, I'll be up in D.C. for awhile this week. I'd love to meet your son," she says to me, placing her hand on my shoulder. "You know where to find me," I say to her, hoping she was leaving. "That I do," She says as she departs. "And, Fox, Happy Birthday." I wait a few minutes until I'm sure she is really gone before heading back to my room and my dreams of Scully. October 18, 2001 I hang up the phone call from my mother and find Mulder rocking Christopher in front of the morning news. "Mulder, I have a meeting with Skinner at 11 a.m. and my mother just called to say she can't watch Christopher this morning due to an emergency with one of the neighbors she looks after. Can you take an early lunch or are you too busy today?" "Why are you meeting with Skinner today?" he asks me. He is trying to get Chris back to sleep. The baby was up all night being fussy and cranky. I think he's coming down with a cold. I hope that is all it is. "I am still officially assigned to the X-Files with a temporary reassignment at Quantico. We are going to discuss what is next for me now that I have joined the 'Mommy Track'." "I don't have to be there? I mean, you are still under me, assignment-wise that is," he says, smiling at the innuendo. He still does it even after all this. "I thought I would talk to him alone first. I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner." I touch Christopher's forehead. He has cooled down since the middle of the night. I will take his temperature again when I get him dressed. "The Tylenol must be working," I say. "Maybe he's just teething," Mulder adds, slipping a finger into Christopher's mouth and feeling his lower gum, "Nope, no teethies in there yet. Lucky mommy." "Teethies, Mulder? Where is his binky?" I ask, trying to get his diaper bag packed for later. "I thought we weren't going to encourage any oral fixations." "He's breast fed, Mulder. He's going to have many fixations." Christopher giggles a little, as if he understands what I'm talking about. "Meet me in the lobby at quarter to 11. I don't want to drag him through the whole building." "What? You don't want everybody talking about Spooky, Jr.?" Mulder says with a smile. "I'll bring his stroller and you guys can go for a walk. It should be warm enough today." "Well, Christopher Ryan, Daddy has got to get ready to go to his job and you don't appear to be going back to sleep for me. You want Mommy?" Christopher just gurgles some more. He hands Christopher to me and heads off to get dressed. I hold Christopher tight and rock him. I will admit I am worried about him. He's been so healthy thus far. We had all sorts of tests run on him at birth. He is genetically fit, and Mulder and I are definitely his parents. The tests were expensive, but well worth it. The ease of mind they have brought me is priceless. Although how I became pregnant in the first place still remains a mystery, this child is well loved and cared for. Chris falls asleep in my arms and I carry him back into the bedroom and gently place him in his cradle. Mulder is getting dressed and I put my index finger up to my lips to signal to him to keep quiet. I sit down on the edge of the bed and watch him get ready for work. Someday, my tiny son will look like this man. Someday, he will have a woman watching him like I watch Mulder. Perhaps my son will more perceptive of the eyes on him. Still, a big part of me doesn't even want to think about it yet. October 18, 2001 I rush to the lobby to find Scully waiting there, tapping her foot and looking at her watch. "I'm sorry. I was in a meeting with Skinner, so he knows that you are coming in now." "Oh? What were you discussing with Skinner?" I ask, handing off the diaper bag to Mulder. The sight of us almost makes me laugh. Who would have ever imagined this. "You know, the end of the world as we know it." "Ahh...the usual stuff," she says with a casual smile. "I'll take Christopher out to our usual spot. If you can't find us when your are done, call me." I lean in to kiss her before I catch myself. Maybe it is best we aren't going to work together. You can't be chasing a suspect and kissing your pretty partner at the same time, no matter what they tell you on TV. He is sleeping peacefully. I put another blanket around him as we go outside into the cool autumn air. I find a newspaper and sit down on a park bench by the reflection pool. The city noises cause him to stir a little, so I bounce the stroller with my foot while I flip through the news. "So, it really is true. Would you look at that." I look up from my paper to discover I've been surprised by Diana Fowley twice in one week. "Hello, again," I say, folding my paper up. "I saw Agent Scully come in with him and then I watched you leave, so I thought I'd come see the new addition up close," she says, peering into the stroller. "This is Christopher Ryan Scully," I tell her, as I stop the bouncing. "Fox, he looks just like you. Except for the lack of hair, that is," she says, her hand tousling my hair for a brief second before she pulls it away. "He had auburn hair when he was born, but the newborn fuzz fell out. Scully thinks it might grow back in brown, but I'm hoping for auburn again," I say. She continues to look at my son in his stroller and sighs. Thoughts of what could have been, Diana? "So, why didn't you give him your last name?" she asks. "I didn't feel the need to pass the name on to one more person." "Still bitter?" she asks, sitting next to me. "He is changing that," I tell her, pointing at my son. An older couple stop by and fuss over him. The woman calls Diana 'Mom' and I cringe. Diana doesn't know what to say, and I just let it go. He wakes up through all the commotion and I pick him up and put him on my shoulder. "You are a natural," Diana says, her voice wistful. "I always knew you would make a great father." "He's my own. I've learned a lot in the past three months," I say, holding my son close. "So this is what you are giving it all up for? Fatherhood?" she asks, sounding serious again. "It really goes deeper than that. There is not much I can discuss about it." She sits silently for a few minutes while I talk small talk with my son. She just smiles at me. "May I hold him?" she asks me. "Sure. Here, put this over your suit. You don't want any surprises," I say to her and hand her a receiving blanket. She does quite well with him , and he has her long, brown hair wrapped up tight in his grip. "So, the X-Files are officially dead?" she asks, finally getting to her point. "No, not officially. I just can't work on them right now. There is too much at stake if I continue." "I thought there would be too much at stake if you quit?" she asks, her question filled with truth. I think about that visit with Cancer man. He hasn't been back, yet, but I'm sure he knows exactly what I'm doing. He always has. I can't risk Christopher's safety now. He's so helpless and I'm all he has got to save him. If I thought the truth would save him, I would pursue it with all the fervor I always have. This time I'm afraid of what could be lost. They have their well-placed bargaining chip. He is wedged into my heart and soul and doesn't plan on moving anytime soon. "I could do it, Fox. The X-Files," she says, expecting me to just take her up on this offer. "What!" I say, shocked at her suggestion. "I could do it. I could take over the X-Files. I'm looking for reassignment. What could be better than where I started." I am stunned. I don't know whether I am being set up again or not. I look at this woman who is cuddling my son and I honestly don't know what to believe. "I don't think..." "What, you don't trust me? I used to be the only one you could trust, Fox." "That was a long time ago. Things have changed." "Yes, you and your partner have a baby to consider now. For some reason, you seem to be willing to give up your life's work for them. I don't think it should be given up so easily. I'm willing to step in for you until you can come back to it." "You don't understand it all. There is a lot to be considered ... things you don't even know about." Scully walks up behind us and I don't even notice. "Hello," she says to us. "Scully! How did it go?" I ask her. "Fine. I'll talk about it later," Scully says to me. She hasn't taken her eyes off the woman holding her child. Diana unwraps his little fingers from her hair and hands him back to me. "Fox told me about him when we were in Atlanta and I couldn't wait to see him," Diana says to Scully. Scully's eyebrow shoots up at the mention of Atlanta. Shit. I never mentioned her being there. "He's beautiful, Dana. Looks just like his father," Diana says while I cower. "Thank you. Are you going to be in Washington for long?" Scully asks her, the barbed question hitting its target as planned. "That depends on Fox. Well, I'll let you two...three talk baby talk. I'll see you later." She gets up and leaves me with a confused and somewhat angry Scully. She takes Chris out of my arms and puts him back in his stroller. "What in the hell was that about, Fox?" Scully asks, as she busily fusses with Christopher. Even though Diana once helped save my life, Scully still doesn't trust her completely. I'll never know why she can't. "She wants to take over the X-Files," I tell her. "Right. And who is she going to have as a partner? Alex Krycek? Or you? Or do you have any more ex-lover partners that I should know about?" "Well, she's not going to work with me, and I think Alex is involved with another line of work now. And, no, I have no more ex-lover partners that you should know about, but I want it clear that Alex Krycek doesn't fall under that ex-lover partner category anyway. Why are you acting like this?" She looks at me with those crystal blue eyes. She is struggling to hold back tears. I stand up and pull her close to me. "It was just such a shock to see her again. I've known for a while that she is alive, but just to see her again ... is a surprise," she says. "Tell me about it." "Is that where you were in Atlanta...with her?" her voice faltering. "Scully? What are you asking me?" I am stunned that she would even consider this idea. After everything, why would she think I would do that to her? "I tried to call you at your hotel in Atlanta. You didn't answer," she says, her eyes not meeting mine. "I went to get a drink. I ran into her at the hotel bar," I say, feeling Scully's body tighten in my arms, "and I told her all about Christopher and you and how wonderful everything is, if you ignore my professional life. Now, why are you worried about her?" "I don't know. I'm a new mother now. I'm out of shape. I smell like spoiled milk. I'm not the same in your eyes. I've lost a certain...appeal." "Yeah. Right. You can appeal to me at anytime you want," I tell her, kissing her on the top of her head. Scully moves away from me and closer to Christopher's stroller. "Are you going to take her offer seriously?" she asks me. "I don't know. She knows the work. She believes in the work. But to give it up..." "Mulder, do what you have to," Scully says, sounding as if she wants to throw her hands up in frustration. "Even if I go back to it?" She chews on her bottom lip. The answer to that is still no. "We can talk about it later," I say to her. "So what did you decide with Skinner?" "A few more months of teaching at Quantico, until I get back into the swing of things. Then we will reevaluate my position. I am no longer under you, Agent Mulder." "You could be." "I better get Chris home. We will discuss it later," she says, gathering the baby's stuff together. This time I can kiss her as she leaves. October 31, 2001 I arrive home to discover Mulder has Christopher dressed as a pumpkin for Halloween. I laugh at how cute he is. I had to go into work a week earlier than expected, so Mulder took off the week to be with our son until my mother can take over the baby-sitting "Your mother is expecting us, Scully," Mulder tells me, "because she wants to see her little pumpkin and show him off to the neighbors." "He is so cute! I forgot all about Halloween. Leave it up to you to remember," I say, talking in the wonderful sight of my son dressed up for his first Halloween. "Really, I wanted to dress him up as a bee and I was going to dress as an alien, but I didn't think anyone would get it. Except you, of course." "No, that would be quite an inside joke, Mulder. He's so adorable this way. I like it. What are we going as?" "Tired, first time parents?" "I think I have that one hanging in my closet." "I think you have that one on already," he says, handing me my little pumpkin baby. Going back to work has been hard. Christopher still hasn't changed his hours and since weaning him off his daytime breast feedings, he has gone back to wanting nighttime feedings. I'm tired. "Let me change out of these clothes, Mulder, and we will get going," I say, placing Christopher in his Exer-saucer. He giggles with delight every time he is in it. He loves his independence. Mulder walks in on me as I'm undressing. I see his reflection in the mirror. He stands and watches me with that look in eyes I recognize all too well. He puts his arms out to me and I shake my head 'no'. "When?" is all he asks of me. "Soon," I say to him. It is the first time this subject has been broached. "Maybe." "What are you afraid of?" he asks me, looking out the doorway to where Christopher is playing happily. "I don't know," I say, not knowing how to put all my fears into words. "I won't hurt you. I never would." "I know. I just don't know right now if I can...already." "Okay. Scully, I love you," he says, his voice filled with want. "I love you, too," I say to him, as he walks out of the room. I really do. The end
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